Ziggy Downsilk's Personal Journal

*His writing is erratic and the ink is smudged with dried teardrops.*

I made a new friend today. He was really nice.
Then I blew his brains out. I can still feel his blood on my arms
like a sticky, warm reminder that it was all my fault

all my fault

 

He's alive. My son is alive. He's hurt bad, but he's going to live. I got his distress beacon thank the stars. I showed up about the same time as some Triton goons, bless their souls. I hate their guts but bless their souls

*more erratic writing.*

 

This past week has been a real trial. Without my friends and my family to lean on, I would have collapsed a dozen times over. The heartbreak from losing Starhunt put me in a really dark place. I don't think I've cried that hard in a long long time... I'm doing my best to put it behind me, but I'm really losing sleep over it. Yuura made it out of Antares, which is splendid. She was far too young and sweet to get swallowed up by the tentacle beasts. She's spent a few nights here at the Springs while she gets her affairs in order. Volare stays here on occasion too. They're both pleasant company. ... More on that soon. The biggest development lately is the resurgence of Sarah McKinley. She's alive, thank the stars.

I first caught her on Olympus, the refugee colony. She was wearing a hood and all dark clothes- her pretty face was pretty roughed up. I almost couldn't recognize her until she said my name. ... Woof, that nearly did me in on the spot. My heart nearly stopped, I think. We just kinda grappled onto each other like we couldn't believe we still existed in the same reality... I'd been calling for her on the radio, begging others for any information. Nothing turned up. I wonder if she was hiding for some reason? No, no... She looked like she hadn't eaten in days. That just wouldn't do! Naturally I had to feed her, like all my guests. Afterward, we relaxed in the springs. It was nice... seeing her again. Especially seeing that she was okay. I look forward to her visits in the future; she always puts a smile on my face.

Volare has decided to move in with me, which I'm excited about. He's pretty fit and he's definitely going to help speed up construction. We talked about establishing a network of Grounded like Glauen's Rabbits. ... I really miss that old hoot. Just writing that made me tear up. Wherever he is, I hope he's safe with Alo and his chicks. Surely they've hatched by now? Anyway, like I said, Yuura and Volare are great to have around. It gets pretty lonely around the Springs when it's just me and the twerp. She's getting to be pretty good at tending crops, it turns out. Pretty soon I'll be teaching her how to hunt, as well. Manya's becoming a well-rounded member of the Downsilk clan.

Still, there are times when I have to send her back to the ship. Like when Volare or Yuura feel like getting a little extra friendly. I usually tell her that the Springs are going to experience a cold night and the ship would be more comfy. She's none the wiser. Or maybe she is. After all, I never assume I'm smarter than anyone.

I guess that's everything. Construction on the lean-to has come along pretty well. I've converted the first floor into a dinner hall and kitchen and built a loft above it. Volare came by and helped me arrange some furniture and helped me build the walls and roof. That took the better part of a week. I'd like to turn the loft into a hallway that leads to living quarters, since the structure is mostly open and exposed to the cool air. It'll come in time. I've got plans.

I wonder if Glauen would be proud?

 

Tragedy. Heartbreak. Guilt. They just sound like words to me. It's the feelings that're associated with those words that I've been struggling with lately. On the paper it's so easy to read. Because there's no way to convey the conflict that's tearing me apart. Acacia was murdered in front of me. She literally died in my arms, while I sat there, dumbfounded and shellshocked. It happened too fast for me to react. Or at least, that's the excuse I've been cramming down my own throat. Could I really have done anything differently?

Sending Manya home was another grievous loss for me... By now she's with mom and dad, safe and sound. I'm ashamed. Miserable. I wanted so hard to believe that we could make a life out here on the edge of civilized space and live happy and free. I was going to teach her everything. Give her freedom. But I can't. I can't let her watch me die that way. I sure as hell won't see her die that way...

I want to die. I really, really do for the first time, just want to lay down and stop my heart. In its condition, it's barely still beating. These past few days I've been working tirelessly on the Springs. Mining out dirt and stone to build a shelter for avians in need. Just something mindless and constructive... I was waist-deep in filth and mud and water. Secretly I hoped that if I kept working and working without sleep, food, or water that I'd just... keel over. Black out in the middle of working and drown, face-down in the mud. It's sick and twisted... to leave that to Volare, Yuura, or any of my other friends to find my frozen corpse... But at least I wouldn't have to worry about it.

I've been hallucinating. Glauen came to me the other day. I heard his voice speak to me. Crystal clear as if he were standing right in front of me in the hallway. And then he was. It didn't make sense, but I didn't care... in a weird way, just seeing him- it made me feel oddly better. Even if he isn't real. It was a warm comfort that I desperately needed. I don't even know if he's dead, but he's sure not here.

I had to tell Willow about his mom. He didn't take it well at all. It's to be expected, though. I've brought him to the Springs so I can keep an eye on him. ... Planning for the future is good. I guess it means I'm not ready to go just yet. My boy is really all I have left. It's more important now than it ever has been for us to stick together.

 

It never stops. Not even for a day. I broke down today... The hallucinations are getting worse. Volare walked in on me while I was yelling at a spectre of 'Acacia.' I know she wasn't real. I know that. I know she would never ever say those things to me. Not like that; not her. So... the captain tried to convince me everything was going to be alright. But I know it isn't. I know he's lying. He's afraid of me. He knows I'm crazy. So he dumped me at the hospital at Olympus. Wouldn't even come inside... It's just like I thought. I knew that if people thought I was mad, they'd never trust me. They're all going to leave. And I'm going to be alone. Alone with spectres and phantoms. And guilt.

I found out Reed died, too. I never got to apologize about the things I said to him. Raven accidentally flushed him out of her airlock. I understand it was an accident and that she had time to get over it, but... Anyway, the heartache doesn't end there. While she was laying that bomb on me, Sarah passed by. Clung to Max. My heart sank; I don't know what I did to deserve that betrayal. I thought I was honest, and genuinely caring enough. It hurts. It really hurts to see that. I have been perpetually ill at my stomach.

The night ended with a talk with Volare. It looks like he and Blue are going to get serious. I'm thoroughly pleased for him. But something I did or said destroyed his mood. Ruined it. It must've reminded him that I can't be trusted. I'm trying so hard to reintegrate. I want to be normal. I want to have friends that I can love and spend time with without dropping my problems in their lap. But it's getting worse. Everything is getting worse. I don't want pity, I don't want people to feel bad for me. I just want them to be happy.

I think it's time I hang it up.

 

Things are going considerably better, I guess. The medicines Doc' Jazz prescribed seem to be working. At least, I haven't had any hallucinations other than a creepy whisper here and there, but even then, they're fading and spacing out. Like spectres. I'm feeling a lot better. The pills make me feel sick sometimes, but I guess they're supposed to be taken on a full stomach. Thing is, I haven't really slowed down working on the Springs' housing building long enough to eat a decent meal. More on that later, maybe.

Good news. It's in short supply, but when it comes it brightens up my whole week. For a while I was on the brink, not really sure I could keep going. But then someone came and found me in the bar on Olympus. A super-shady avian named 'Snowfeather.' Reasonably, I was suspicious since she approached me in a hood. But what happened next brought everything to a stop. She showed me one of Glauen's Grounded pendants. I couldn't believe it. But I held it in my hand next to my own. Sure enough, it was the real deal... And the handiwork has only gotten better! Being a stay-at-home dad must've given Glauen a chance to work on his hobbies. I wonder if he'd be pleased to know I still have his hand-crafted bed? Anyhoot, the important bit. Glauen and Alo are both doing quite well and their chicks have hatched. They sound like messy little hellions, and I can't stop smiling about the Moonseekers' letter. As for Snowfeather, apparently she's been 'tasked' to ensure my safety. Which is bizarre to me. I had to ask what that was all about. I had to know what the Moonseekers did for her that would make her feel compelled to come so far to watch over me. It's a work in progress, and to show her my gratitude, I've offered her sanctuary at the Springs. In fact, I gave her my room, since housing was still in progress. She doesn't know. I think she would've said no, if she'd known. Now that the housing and recreation building is finished, I'll move my things there.

Boom. Flawless transition into the housing project. I wanted to house a place where people could get together and watch movies or read or play some games, so I dragged my old airhockey machine down from the ship. Thankfully it runs on batteries. I also brought the briefing projector down. The building itself is across the bridge from the main forum. Everything is local material from the nearby forest. Nothing's been contracted or bought other than what was already on my ship or the planet.

That about wraps it up, I guess. Now that I have a reasonable stopping point, there's no real reason for me to keep working myself to my literal death. Instead, I'm going to force myself to relax, cook a meal, and take better care of myself. I need this arm to heal. I could really use some company. It's safe here, but it really does get lonely sometimes. What ever happened to Yuura, anyway...? She's rarely ever around anymore. That's too bad, too. She's rather pleasant.

 

I need a vacation. But I can't leave my people behind, so I'm stuck in Council Space for the moment. Though... Taking another few weeks' vacation to that other place might not be too bad. ... Not like anyone would notice if I slipped away. Heh. No, no. That's not true. On to more serious notes. Like shooting a man in the back for hurting Devi.

Let's start with the least recent. I've started to come down off the meds doc Jazz gave me. Weaning myself off it slowly. I'm not sure if I have some sort of permanent, uncurable mental illness, but. I'm prepared to suck it up and get over it, if that's the case. There have been, however, no new instances of hallucinations since taking the meds. Which is great, since I had limited access to medicine while I was in jail this weekend.

Moving on! So... it's no secret that Triton has no idea what they're doing. Likewise, their ranks are filled with untrained nobodies who were handed a gun and a badge. There are a few exceptions, but they are few and far between. Let's start with my incarceration from the beginning. Luke had just recently resurfaced on Olympus and he was giving me a chat. Honestly, I just wanted to break it off and find Volare and Devi, who had made plans to steal a hammock. Devi I'd expected it from, but Volare? Come on, cap. I expected better from you. Anyhoot, apparently before I had reached those ding-dongs, they had gotten into a scuffle with a human who was laying in the hammock. Devi- being as batshit insane as she is- tazed the human despite warnings from- you guessed it- a Triton employee. So, being an overzealous, untrained nobody with a gun, the man shot Devi. Twice. In the back. I would like to point out and remind the reader that she bore only a tazer. A nonlethal weapon. In a fit of panic I drew my own weapon, ducked behind a counter, and demanded he dropped his weapon. Now, this kid was also in the USAF, if I remember correctly. An orange avian named Veon. And I say that to say this. For whatever reason, these goons that serve in the 'militaries' of Antares and Council Space don't act rationally when there's a gun pointed at them. Instead of doing as I instructed, he made a move for something at his hip. For all I knew it could be a grenade. I had no idea what this nutcase was about to do, but I did know that both Devi and Volare were at his mercy. As soon as he reached for whatever he reached for- which AGAIN, I would like to point out was NOT what I instructed him to do- I shot him repeatedly between the shoulderblades. He dropped, and that's the last thing I remember before getting hit with some sort of crazy tazy gauntlet. Whatever it was, it fucking hurt. Still, I'm grateful that he did that. The other untrained Triton officers that showed up would have gladly filled me with holes.

So I spent the weekend in prison. At first I had company. Both Britton and the man who was tazed by Devi were present. Britton had apparently been detained for committing 'war crimes.' Funnily enough, he was released far before I was. The Parker kid that was tazed didn't even deserve to be there in the first place, really. He seemed like a nice enough fella. Anyway, those two were released saturday morning. I spend the most of that day doing situps and pushups and who knows what else to keep busy. Until another detainee was brought in- another human with a thick accent. He wasn't kept long, his sentencing was Exile almost as soon as he was pushed into the cell. Apparently he didn't like that sentencing, and refused to leave the cell. That's when things got horrifying... The officers on duty brought batons at first, bludgeoning the unarmed detainee and pushed him into the corner. After which, both Max and an avian- Frost-Wing- drew their guns on him. Both at different times. It was really all a blur and happened a few days ago, so it's hard to give an accurate account. He fought back against the four or so officers until his head was caved in by a Hylotl's baton. He bled all over the cell... it was mortifying. The last I saw of him they were dragging him out on a stretcher. Raven informed me that he may not live.

Raven. She's been very important in keeping my sanity in check the last week or so. While I was in the clink she brought me some of my crazy meds and tried talking me down from the obvious distress of having to witness a possible murder and a definite case of police brutality. At one point it seemed like she was going to be able to convince the guard to shut the door on us for a few minutes... I've never tried prison conjugal sex, but- I'll try anything once. I had a few other people trying to get in and visit, which was probably causing Triton more trouble. Chitlipotonqui, the avian in charge of burials and Avian last rites was a much-needed visit. He was very kind to come see me, and I greatly enjoyed his company. He helped calm me down some. Sarah also took me on a walk, since I was cooperative. They didn't feed me anything in the slammer, so I had to use the opportunity to get a bag of beakseed and a burger for the long haul. Volare also wanted to stop in, but by the time he was finally seen by the Triton goons I had already been released. We all had a great big reunion hug. It really warms my heart that there are so many people trying to be a part of my life. And then there's Max.

Rest in pieces, Max. I was informed today, Tuesday, October 6, that Max was captured thanks to Mispi's misdirection. There were easily twenty different people roaming this colony Pinewood- which up until this point I had never heard of- all to see Max killed. Personally, I was there for the same reason, and I'm not ashamed. He was a plague on everyone's house and the universe is a little less dry thanks to Mispi and company. At the end of an eternal wait, we were informed by the greasy ball of filth guns-peddler 'Omega' that Max was killed by Greg. He brought pictures, but I'm not convinced. I have personally seen Max survive wounds far greater than what was shown in his pictures... still. It's a turbulent peace... Nothing can happen in the immediate future, so while we have the time, I'm encouraging friends and family to prepare. I helped Mispi move some of her things onto her ship where she and Aria will stay. It's safe there. Likewise, I'll be tightening security around Hope Springs. Nobody will speak of it until I'm certain Max is dead and gone. And I won't rest until I've seen his cold, dry, rusted corpse in the ground.


Misc. notes.
Fernpetal had a lot to say about Bluejay's attitude toward me. Personally, I don't think it's any of my business since I wasn't present during their conversation. Besides that, I respect the relationship Blue has with cap Volare. I'm not going to stand in their way. Though I am very apprehensive about the way Volare's been treating Devi lately. He swears nothing's up, but I refuse to let him hurt BeeJay.

Fernpetal looks very nice in a new dress Blue tailored for her. It even has knife-hiding spots which is cool, I guess? It also buttons up so she can run. Which is certainly helpful when you need to run and stab something. To be fair, she is a floran.

I held Aria, Acacia's and Mispi's chick. She's such an adorable little floofball... It was really moving. Paternal instinct kicked in when she handed Aria to me and I cradled the little chicken nugget like she was my own daughter. I even sang a songbird's tune, quiet as a whisper. I was really overwhelmed, since I was robbed of the opportunity to cradle my own son in his infancy.

I explained to Raven about the way I handle my affairs with friends. No 'relationships' so nobody feels cheated or hurt. It doesn't stop 100% of the jealousy and heartbreak, but so far it's done far more than the pain I've seen caused by others' infidelities. She wasn't too put off by it, which is good. Let's just hope she doesn't suck me out of an airlock.

 

It has been a very interesting week. So far I've acquired nice clothes, attended the funeral of one of my best ex-friends, learned I have a daughter, and won ten thousand pixels for being stabbed in the ass. Stay tuned, dear reader. Join me in this rollercoaster called life.
*the ink trails along a very pretty set of curves from the punctuation of that paragraph to the first letter of the next.*

Let's start with the clothes. Raven cooked me up a batch of respectable clothes since I've been thinking a lot lately about... well, settling. Starting and raising a family. 'What? Ziggy, no longer putting bitches to the sword?' you might be asking yourself. Okay, okay. Settle down, reader. Let's not be disrespectful to women. Yes, it is true that I've 'been around.' But it's never been for the sake of 'getting around.' I've always just been an open and affectionate person. Mkay, mkay. The topic is beaten to death in the previous passage. Moving on. The clothes are incredible. Shoes, too. Very smart. The shoes are a pair of slick black leather shoes with some serious shine. They're pretty loud for my tastes, but I hardly think I'll be sneaking around wearing these threads. The pants are a hellishly dark grey charcoal color and comfortable to boot. Then there's the dress shirt, it fits snugly without being too restricting. Standard shirt, but what really brings it together is the vest... it's silky to the touch, possibly velvet. Burgundy? Crimson? It'll likely hide fresh bloodstains really well. Which is great, since I'm so accident prone. See below!
*another rollercoaster of curls! weeeee~*

Next up, reader- please, contain your fucking excitement- I'll tell you how I earned ten thousand pixels by being stabbed in the ass cheek. On Starnet I've read a few adverts for this 'Sunshine Slaughter...' arena thing. It's barbaric, and I would never willingly put my neck on the line for that. So it's really fucking inconvenient, then, that I wandered into the arena by mistake, and the doors shut behind.
'oh no.' I said.
'This ain't right.'

I had previously been following Volare and Sarah. We were going to check it out and see how things were. As soon as we beamed down we were assaulted by some tornado-ass winds carrying sand-needles. Sweet. I pulled down those goggles I keep with me everywhere I go, as a reasonable man might, but the damage was done. I was pretty blinded and following the two bodies in front of me the best I could. At some point I lost the duo and wandered around searching for the spectator's box.

It is at this junction I would like to mention that on our way in the arena complex, we passed one of the contestant volunteers that had dropped out. Okay. Doesn't seem like a big deal. Until I pulled up my goggles to get a better look of my surroundings and- would you fucking look at that? I'm standing in that contestant's now-void spot in the arena. Ho-lee shit. As if it wasn't already tough shit just getting by. The crowd was in an uproar. They were furious and trying to break down the door to pull me out- I didn't even have a weapon. My opponent, 'the Miner' had a gods-damned pickaxe! can you believe that shit!?

Onto the nitty-gritty. From the get-go I was petrified, mortified. Reasonably so. The opponent took the initiative, charging at me with the blunt of his weapon raised. I was able to dodge it, but my counter-attack of throwing him failed. He swung the pickaxe for my precious walkie-benders, but I was able to detect that windup in time to roll back and over my shoulder... From this crouched position, I leapt at him and propped my foot on his weapon, forcing it out of his hands while I jabbed at his important bits. Being a Glitch, talons really didn't do much, though the blunt force trauma on his face and head seemed to do fine. He didn't appreciate that. I mean, I'm gonna guess he didn't. Because he drew a knife and kindly stabbed me in the ass cheek. HE STABBED ME IN THE ASS.

Aurgh, damn. That hurt so bad. It shocked the shit out of me and I dropped- into a crouch. And swung my good leg around to sweep his feet out from under him. He must've banged his head on the floor, because I heard a loud clang. Though, as soon as I stood up, he was already on me again with that knife- thankfully he didn't get my organs. Instead he jammed it into my bad arm... The one Max had shot. The one that had almost fully healed. Sweet. In a flight of terror I pushed him off me, which, I wish I hadn't. He must've stepped on a release switch or something, because a boulder shot out of the wall and brushed me hard enough to throw me down the entrance stairs... It took nearly a solid minute for the stars to subside from the blood pooling behind my eyes... Things were not going well. Though, they were starting to look up... The Glitch left his knife in my arm. My first lucky break. It hurt like a sun exploding in my flesh, but all I could think about was my family. So I sucked it up, stood against the entrance grate, and pulled out the knife, launching forward to jam that fucking thing into his head. Right through his eye.

My stomach churned and dropped, but I couldn't stop. I was angry, I was scared, and I wanted to live. So I kept stabbing. I kept stabbing and stabbing and jabbing until he took a swing with the pickaxe- a kind of two-handed horizontal swing that rotated his entire body. So I followed the movement, dancing around him like a hurricane of blades with ballerina feet. I managed one more good, solid, decisive strike before he pushed me aside, putting distance between us. He wound up his good arm with the pickaxe and tried to throw it and impale my skull. Thank the stars I saw this coming, because I could only leap back in time to slide along on the floor as the pickaxe went sailing over. I expected some sort of follow-up attack after he expended the weapon, so before he could try, I lobbed the knife as hard as I could at his chest from my prone position. That was the last thing I remember seeing before everything got fuzzy and dark. I did hear his body clunk to the ground. Turns out... I just won ten thousand pixels. Thankfully he wasn't dead, I'm told. I don't think I could bear it if...

Once Raven was done sewing my ass back to one piece, she made a few quips and dirty jokes. It must mean I get to live, which I'll take. Fuck it, I'll take that, yeah. Ten thousand monies and a week or two of downtime? I guess so. Cullen came to me and dissolved my sentence of manual labor for that shooting a week back. Which is a relief. Maybe he enjoyed the show? Still going in tomorrow to follow up on that proposition. Holon, the proprietor of the event herself paid me a visit in the hospital. She delivered my payment and a warning. I will take that warning. At the Sunshine Center, anyway. Britton was there, too. He's actually a pretty good guy. I don't give him enough credit. He's just a bit... dull. But he's a really good kid. Man. I don't really know how old he is. Can't be that much older. Hm.
I was told to stay overnight in the hospital, but fuck that noise. I had a bone to pick with Sarah and Volare about them abandoning me at the SSSC.

I won't go into detail about what was said, since everyone involved did and said things that they shouldn't've, and I will only remember this passage as a negative feeling. They both left upset, and I hobbled alone all the way across the campus to my room to get some rest. They ended up coming back to apologize. Things are more or less fine between we three.

Now... about the most important detail. Mispi has informed me that her daughter, Aria- Acacia's chick- is my daughter. By blood. She told me at the funeral. I... honestly don't know how I feel about that. That means that Acacia lied about that 'drunk avian' fling. I understand why Mispi lied about it for so long... Admittedly, I was suicidal for a long time after things got so dark... I just have mixed feelings. Of course I love the little floofball, and I'm overjoyed with the opportunity to raise my own chick. After all, I missed the opportunity to be there for Willow...

 

A lot's happened since the last entry, but at the same time not a lot's really happened.

Ooh, confusing mystery bird~ No, no. Nothing super urgent has really come up since the last entry. I've become closer to Mispi since she's told me about Aria. We're becoming a little family, sorta. I have some serious mixed feelings about the whole ordeal honestly. I love Aria to death and visit daily. Mispi wanted a relationship, and I had to give her 'the talk.' I hate having to do that. It really tears me up in a bad bad way. As if it weren't hard enough to sleep, right...? Anyhoot... We worked out an 'amicable' agreement. We have a healthy friendship and partnership raising Aria.

Sarah came to me the other night to tell me about her date. Man, I was stoked to hear about that. Part of me thinks she wanted to make me jealous- and to be honest, I kinda am. But this is healthy for her, and I support it entirely. This James guy sounds pretty cool, and he's a human. Maybe Sarah can settle down and start a family- and stop being so fucking reckless. ... Bit of the kettle scolding the pan.

Uhmmm. I think that's really it. Aside from doing some work on the Springs, not much has changed. I baked Blue and Sunny some featherfood and tried to lay down some hints to prime BJ's brain for Volare asking her to move in with us. If he ever makes the move. Coward. Speaking of moving in... Agh. How could I forget. I welched on my word. Devi's been invited to visit the Springs. She has nowhere else to go. I know, I know. I suck. I suck so hard. We don't have police, so at the first sign of trouble, perpetrators get the boot, no questions asked. I just do not have the faculties to deal with troublemakers. I need to make it a point to call a house meeting soon to lay down the law. I'll be expanding the spring and adding a building for a healer's den soon. Hopefully we can scrounge up some proper medical supplies. SAIL has informed me that there are indigenous curative plants, but I have no idea what to do with them. Chew 'em up? Spit them out and rub them on a booboo? I'm no chemist, but I'll work it out. I reckon I'm the closest we have to a doctor, anyway.

What would you knuckleheads do without me, Rabbits?

 

Let's start with some good news first this time. I am alive. My son is back in the sector. My friends are getting along famously. Um. I still have some money left. Things are going well with the Springs. I'm really thankful that most everything is working out. Now, let's move on to the 30,000 pixel bounty on my life and how I was shot through the back, blowing out my lung.

Right, so... My best guesstimate is that Tenca was too far beaten to come down on me herself again after the Terra incident, so she used the temple to fund a bounty. That, again, is just a guess, considering the full 30,000 is only paid if I'm returned alive with the Maelstrom. I'm only worth 8000 dead. Honestly, it's kinda flattering to see such a high num- no, no. I lied. It's very, very unsettling, because it means I'm going to have to watch my back constantly. Well. Maybe not, since someone's already killed me for the bounty.

I was with Volare and Oakie on Pinewood on 31st of October- a human holiday. We had just started chatting about- I can't even actually remember, to be honest. It was three days ago. All I remember is some dumb bitch hulking in in full black power armor waving a shotgun around blabbering like a loose, sloppy cunt. Unsurprisingly, she was motivated by greed, and she only wanted me. During the argument, I was able to send Rodrick a text asking for help. While the stupid bag of shit was still blabbering and waving a gun around, I managed to call Rodrick so he could listen. Even though she was too busy being an uneducated worthless sack of dicks, she still somehow noticed what I was up to. So I didn't have a choice but to cooperate. I waded through the springs, as instructed and offered my hands for tying. It was then that Rodrick and Serenica- Mispi's son- showed up. They were dressed in their battle gear. I kinda felt underdressed at the time. And in a lot of pain, because the gnarly shitstain on society contained only by her armor that smelled vaguely of bacon grease and green beans kneed me in the back. Hurt. Hurt bad. Not nearly as much as the .45 round that was fired through my back point blank, roasting my lung and pushing my rib through my chest. Of course, I wasn't awake to experience any of that. As soon as she fired her weapon, I was in shock, as bodies tend to do when they suffer immense trauma.

So I'm told the crude, worthless slut was taken care of after I went down. She was detained, and I was a bloody pile of velvet chocolate cake. I'm also told there were maybe five people minimum by my side from the time I was hauled out of the springs, onto Oakie's ship, and to the medical center on Olympus. Raven, in her infinite wisdom, decided to saw open my sternum and remove my destroyed lung and put it on ice for her stew. Awesome. To offset the massive hemorrhaging, one of the folks by my side gave me their blood- I'm told he looked almost exactly like me. An avian named 'Karo.' He even had my blood type. ... I don't normally believe in superstitious things like 'Guardian Angels,' but this just borders miraculous.

Anyway, after Raven was finished butchering my organs, she saw fit to staple my mutilated sternum back together. After which she stitched me up. Thank the stars I was still in shock, because witnessing this would've literally pushed me into the realm of madness. Going back to 'Guardian Angels,' it turns out a real doctor heard the party's pleas for help. He arrived and repaired Raven's damage post-haste, then set to work repairing my severed, punctured-and-roasted lung before putting it back into my ribcage and attaching it. That is some beastmode medicine right there. It makes me dizzy just thinking about it. It's either that, or the lack of pain medicine and insurmountable pain I'm feeling. But I have my lungs. I have my ribs. The Doc performed some real miracles in my body, mending bone and flesh. It'll be a week before I can even leave bed, and I'll never be the same again, but without everyone's help, I'd be dead a thousand times over. It's really moving to imagine strangers from all across the galaxy coming together to help me for no other reason than I've stopped and taken the time to talk to them a few minutes.

So now I'm resting. Biding my time. Most of Council Space thinks I'm dead, including Mispi, Sarah, and everyone else besides the Rabbits and a few select trusted people tasked with spreading the rumor of my passing. Once I've healed enough to walk, I'm leaving the sector. Now, more than ever, I need to be away from the Rabbits. Being taken off guard with Oakie and Volare made me realize just how much danger I've put them in by just being around. My son lives on the Springs. My daughter is safe with Mispi, but I visit daily. If I were to be trailed there... I refuse to allow anyone else to be hurt or killed on my behalf. Both Rodrick and Serenica were injured in the battle, I hear. Once I can walk, I'm going to walk. I don't know if I'll come back. For now, I'm just going to smile and pretend everything is going to be okay. Then, once I can stand, I pull another disappearing act. It should be too easy since everyone already thinks I'm dead.

 

It's been about a month since the last entry, I guess. give or take a week. Meh. Long story short, I've moved back into the Springs and resumed command, though Volare is outwardly in charge to anyone looking in. For now I've taken to hiding my face and having folks refer to me as Hershey in public until I can inter believable 'remains' and acquire an official death certificate. Shouldn't be too hard, I know plenty of doctors and they're all trustworthy. The tricky part is getting the documents to BroSyn, the network responsible for posting the 'bounty', without being caught. I'll probably have someone do it for me, honestly.

I can't really do much of anything strenuous these days, what with the crippled and recovering lung. I've been doing a lot of physical therapy in the spring, but even just a few minutes are exhausting. It's a pretty long road ahead. It's become clear I won't be quite back up to where I used to be, free-running around, breaking into vaults, and breaking hearts.

We've got a few new residents at the Springs. Two are temporary, one is permanent. Karo, our new 'doctor' or 'medic,' will be staying with us indefinitely probably. The other two... they're causing a lot of morale issues. Millihua, or Millie, for short, is the sweetest creature on this side of the galaxy. Or so I thought. Her friend and guard dog, Firebird, is her polar opposite, but they stick together like glue. It's insane. They wronged me in a pretty personal way, as well, and if we didn't need their help to keep everyone fed and happy, I'd've thrown them out by now. I guess I'll just consider it strike two. One more and they're out, and I'll have to just pick up the slack and get over it.

Willow's being an absolute brat these days as well. I wish I'd had the opportunity to raise him myself. If I had, I can guarantee he wouldn't be half as belligerent. He's taken to playing pranks on Galaxy radio, sending people on wild goose chases with distress beacons. Unbelievable. I nearly killed him myself when I found out. Volare and I dragged our asses all across a perpetual sandstorm planet to find his ungrateful ass. Will threw a crybaby hissy fit and disappeared in a cloud of teen angst. I don't know where he is now, but I hope he's eating alright at least.

Volare and Devi expect me to play marriage counselor for them. Or at least, that's what Devi wanted. She said she talked to the red one, but I don't know. She knocked on my door the other morning and let herself into my bed uninvited. Little bastard. Anyhoot, she wants me to give him advice, but I basically told her 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.' right?

Millie and Fire are my main concern right now. Keeping them in line and working is my top priority. They don't have to talk to me to keep my people fed. They just have to keep my people fed. Shit's awkward, and we'll deal with it, but... not right now. I'm going to give them a while to come forward of their own volition. If they don't... then I guess I'll be the one.

 

Volare has come back to the Springs. Devi committed suicide. It was a long time coming... She's been sick since the avian village we pulled her from. I asked if he wanted to hold a service for her. He said he'd had something lined up already. He's deeply disturbed. I don't blame him. We're all upset, but we can't just stop farming and cleaning. Life for us has to go on.

Millie has left us. Firebird has stayed. We've more or less worked out our issues. She's still a headache, but at least she's not breaking shit and stealing my things. Or others' things. That I'm aware of.

We have a new resident, Nalcotl. She's a bard. A very pleasant, very sweet bard. I rather like her. She says she intends to stay a while, and she does pitch in with her chores. There's a lot more I want to write about her, but right now I'm just so emotionally drained, all I can squeeze out is facts. I am fond of her, and we are very affectionate toward one another, but I don't know what she thinks of me.

Omizu has been visiting lately. She and Volare seem close, but Omizu is married and Volare is just getting over Devi's death. Despite that, they're going to have a relationship and it's not going to end well. I hate that, because I enjoy both of them, but some trainwrecks can be spotted pretty far out before they happen.

Mispi attempted suicide. Aria's... step-mom? She insists on raising my daughter, though I've suggested she let me take the chicken nugget for a few days so her and Rodrick can have some alone time, but I have yet to be successful. Still, I visit daily and hold and cradle the wee one. So cute. So much like myself and Acacia.

Volare and I had a fight. That sucked. I know he's still upset about Devi, but he needs to pull his weight. We've also gotten distant, and that sucks too. But it's a fact of life. Relationships are like plants. If you don't water them, they wilt and die.

Nalcotl and I are getting closer. I don't know if she wants a relationship or not. I dread the talk. Does she know what I'm like yet?

Omizu tried to seduce me today. I didn't appreciate that. While she is my pal, she's also my doctor. Admittedly, she did look sexy in her naughty nurse outfit, but I think there's a line we just shouldn't cross. One because of professionalism, two because she's married. I made sure to turn it back on her in the conversation. She's cute when she blushes.

I'm worn thin lately. On the outside I'm flirty and chipper, but inside I'm just tired and sore. I feel so old all the time. Stiff, sore. My chest constantly aches, but I can't do anything to make it better. Sometimes I just want to cry because I can't make it stop, but it won't change anything. Just sitting down or standing up is enough to make me squeep in pain. But! I still have a colony to run and children to raise. Even if one doesn't love me back. It hurts, of course, but I still keep him in my thoughts and offer help when I see him. Keeping everyone busy and pitching in with chores myself occupies most of my time and focus, thankfully, but my free time is often spent either doing physical therapy, reading, or soaking in the hot springs to manage the pain.

I wonder how much longer I'm going to last like this?

 

Today was a pretty busy day. I bumped into Volare on Ragnorak, the floran settlement, and we hooked up. Rodrick had invited me to come and see his new restaurant, so I brought Volare along with and treated him to dinner. It was great! Rodrick's a spectacular cook; the sauteed mushrooms were... glorious and buttery perfection. The salmon filet was singed just right to get that hint of charred meat; it was so good it sent shivers down my spine. Mm. It's a bit expensive, but it wouldn't be a terrible place for a date.

After dinner, Rodrick told me he'd convinced Mispi to let me take Aria for a few days. At first she didn't want to agree to it, which made me quite upset, considering Aria is my daughter. Granted Mispi was married to Acacia before she died, but the child is still mine to raise. I see Aria at least twice daily as-is, but having her with me on the Springs should give Rodrick and Mispi a little time to themselves; it's a win-win for everyone. Eventually she came around to the idea, so Rodrick, Volare, and I swung around their cabin to pick up Aria and her crib.

Once back at the Springs, I bumped into Nalcotl, and she seemed smitten with my tiny foofball bab. She... said some things that kinda flagged in my mind. She offered to help me raise Aria, which made me wonder why. She admitted she thought of me as a 'partner.' We've gotten very close, and I really do like Nalcotl. I really, really do. But I had to give her the talk. That same tired, over-used talk rearranged and tailored. It really scares me to give the talk sometimes. Today when I told her that I wasn't looking to settle down, she got distant and... that really bugged me. It's never, ever fun to say those words, but it wouldn't be fair to her to lead her on if she's looking for something I'm not. I'm just worried Nalcotl won't want to be my friend anymore, now that she realizes I can't give her what she wants.

 

I haven't seen Nalcotl in a few days... I guess she took off. It really hurts my feelings to think that she not only didn't want to be part of our community, she didn't want to be my friend. Or Volare's. I'd tried to set them up to help him get over Devi, and Nalcotl needed someone too... when I'd heard they were spending time together, I had hope that she was ready to join our community. I guess she changed her mind, and I feel responsible. What a wasted opportunity. I hope she's eating well, wherever she is.

Apparently Firebird, Karo, and Volare got into some trouble on Ragnorak. The idiot woman was giving Oak a hard time about something foolish and it ended up coming to blows with Ragnorak security or something. Long story short, she came back to the Springs with an unconscious Volare and doc Karo; poor Volare smashed his handsome face. Damn, I feel so bad for him. He just can not catch a break... as for Firebird, I kinda sympathize with her over Oak on the matter, but it could just be personal bias. I'll wait until I have all sides of the story. I've spent the last few days kinda keeping to myself and brooding over the fact my son doesn't love me. But that's an entry for another day. Today's entry is supposed to be a cheerful one.

I've been convincing Rodrick and Mispi more and more lately to let me take Aria with me to the Springs. I'm very, very thrilled to get to spend so much time with my daughter. It's the kind of relief I need, to be honest. When I have Aria in my arms, that jackass brawler becomes a radically different person. Firebird used to be so uncomfortable and disgusted when she held my daughter, but now she acts like she could be the chick's mother. Her baby-talk could... use a lot of work. Less 'if you vomit on me again I'll hold you up by your ankle and beat your ass' would be good

There was an incident on Shinsei today that had a group of people standing around chatting afterward. Apparently someone hiding in a box used a smoke-bomb; not very stealthy. at all. The conversation bounced from topic to topic, and I couldn't help but listen in and try to inject seed material to glean peoples' interest and prejudice toward certain matters. I ended up meeting another 'Grounded' avian, and she let me take her out to dinner.

Well. I say 'dinner,' but we really only ended up snacking and sharing conversation. It turns out we have a lot of interests in common. Her name is Korax Eclipse, and she likes games and nature walks. She's a bit older than I am, but she has no children or husband. She seemed to rather enjoy our talk and says she'd be interested in doing it again. We exchanged numbers, so maybe we'll see each other again soon. I'm going to try to avoid feeling particularly one way or the other about her. She's got a complicated air about her. I know she's a liar, so I'm not super ready to jump into any sort of close friendship just yet. We're just feeling each other out at this point.

Talking with Korax reminded me of my own personal religious beliefs. I left Avos with the stolen Maelstrom still adhering to the Commandments. Over time, I started questioning them as I experienced more different cultures. Personally I don't aspire to be a Sunborn, and I've definitely been known to take a thing or two that doesn't belong to me. I also consort with those who deny Kluex. At least I keep my feathers clean.

 

Millie's letter finally came in the mail. She promised she'd send us one, and Firebird's been kinda skulky about the matter, but when it came in, she lit up like some kind of holiday decoration. It was kinda heart-warming. Not nearly as soul-meltingly endearing as the words on the page though. Lil' Millihua's an absolute sweetheart. She has such a silly sense of humor. We were all heartbroken when she left, but she says she'll return one day. I sure hope she does. ((secured to the page is Millie's personal letter to 'Hershey', as well as a photocopy of the entire letter.))

Unfortunately the rest of the day wasn't as cozy and sweet... Karo came in while I was trying to bathe. He was an absolute emotional wreck, and looked like he hadn't slept at all. Apparently, the night before, he had tried to answer a distress call, but was too late to save the woman. The others that showed up simply stood around and watched her die, then looted the ship, from my understanding. It's absolutely disgusting to think what kind of filth would stoop so low. I could understand why he would be upset... angry... I am too. We went together to find any information we could to notify her family... she was just a girl. She had plush toys and posters laying all over the place. It... really broke my heart. I think I'd met her, too. On Ragnorak. She seemed very scared and excitable, and mentioned she was heading home. It was the last I'd seen of her. We pulled a set of coordinates labeled 'home.' As soon as we've recovered and identified her body, we're going to attempt to notify her family and see that she's laid properly to rest.

So Karo and I returned home, heartbroken and depressed... Nalcotl was trying her hand at some cooking. She was using a cookbook I'd used to level the bookcase in the library. I'm pretty sure it's the one I got for a discount at- doesn't matter. She was cooking, and it was very sweet of her to do so. I had to tell her what I really felt after what I'd seen. I held her tight and let her know that I appreciate her. Any day one of us could just die. Deep space is unbelievably dangerous, and we all the time take for granted that the air we breathe comes from a stable system, that our hulls will hold in space, and that we won't be impaled by spears or bullets as soon as we beam down to a settlement... so I wanted to let her... and everyone else know... that I appreciate them. Every last one of my Rabbits is special to me in a different way.

Volare's been mighty quiet lately, but he has a lot to think about, so I figure he needs some space to work things out. Until he's ready to talk, I'll just let him be. I miss the bastard. We used to be best friends, but so much happened so quick, I just panicked. I can't' know that he's really there. I want to believe, but he really let me down. I want to be close with him again, but there's just so much doubt.

Karo's girlfriend, Skye, has moved in with us. She seems like a real sweetheart, too. She's a real lucky lass to have someone like the doc. I really hope everything works out between them.

Nalcotl and I took a little excursion to her downed ship to recover her lute. I wanted to get a better look at the ship, too. I was thinking there was something worth salvaging, but to be quite frank, everything is just twisted metal and heaps of broken glass. She and I decided to wait out the planet's night cycle together in her shelter by the fire. It was a cozy shelter and... a cozy moment. When the sun rose, I took her home and tucked the poor thing in. She's been through a lot, lately.

Moonfeathers said she loved me. Which kinda confused me a little. She's rad as hell, but she's not really the type to say something like that, I thought. Well. It turns out she does genuinely care about me. She says it's because I treat her like an equal breathing, feeling being. She is. I enjoy her company beyond the bedroom because she and I have a lot in common. She says people just treat her like meat and throw her away after a booty call. I know what that's like. It doesn't feel great. At all. I don't expect she's going to slow down at all... She gives a lot of excuses for 'why' she does it. I used to too. Deep down, I kinda like it. I used to hate it, and hate myself. Err, anyway. Moonfeathers said she wanted to be with me. So, I invited her to stay at the Springs as long as she liked, as a permanent resident. She agreed. We'll see how it goes.

And finally, I noticed there was a decorated tree on Ragnorak. I did some digging and some research, and there's apparently a universal holiday where everyone in a residence receives a gift from friends and loved ones. Or something like that. I figured it would be a good opportunity to show my Rabbits how much I care for them, and I got each one something special. I really hope they enjoy their gifts.

Lately I've been having a lot of emotional ups-and-downs. I'm not sure if my nerves have been worn thin by my time in and around Antares, but things have been affecting me more and more lately. Mood swings, emotional and physical fatigue... I'm still doing everything I can to be cheery and sweet, but I'm just so tired and sore. Some days I just want to be alone and sulk in bed. Some days I starve for and crave attention... I don't know what's happened to me. I go back through these old pages and see where the journal started... it's a radical change. I miss that innocent little sweet chocolate finch in the photograph.

 

*His journal is lying on the nightstand in his room, covered in dust and ash. Inside are several momentos including photographs of both generations of Rabbits, a brochure for Katune, pictures of the Warren, a menu from the KeroKero Shokudou, Millie's letters, and a pressed flower. Tucked in the rear corner of the book is a revised copy of his final will and testament.*