ENTRY 32 7 February 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Well, I spent the the previous night at Hope Springs with Volare. He was cute, funny, and he enjoyed the breakfast I made, which was nice. Honestly though, I think I need to slow down. The lack of... Stuff to do in Antares, the lack of work and things needed, it's taking a toll on me here. It's why I've been leaving the sector to get stuff done, only to come back in a few days. Come back for R&R, leave for work. Not doing bounty hunting again, though. I'm sharp, but.. That's just not my line of work anymore. I went after a target, and I, just, I fucking lost it man. I lost focus, I was letting my personal emotions take control of me, instead of thinking logically. And thus, I was caught. Lost a fucking tooth after the guy practically caved my fucking face and rib cage in. He let me go, though. Says he heard about New Terra, was on Earth when it fell. Said he knew everyone was coming on hard times, so instead of keeping me hostage, or.. Doing other shit, he let me go. Course, he was saying this as he was beating the shit out of me, so I'm not exactly in the fuckers debt, but he let me go. I don't really know what to do anymore. Guess I'll just keep working Rigari's farm, keep meeting with Kade, with Volare. Try and live a steady life; keep searching for that ever illusive happiness. Not much else to write about. Guess I'll head back outside, take stock of my stuff in storage, make some dinner and... Well, we'll see what comes to mind. That new place, Monolith it's called, perhaps I can do something there. I saved one of the guards lives after he got shot by some wary criminal, so I guess they owe me in some regard. Until next time. - Sarah
ENTRY 33 22 March 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Welp, 34 years old as of March 15th. Getting up there slowly, I guess. No party, no nothin; was out of the sector at the time, so I didn't spend time with my friends. I lied.. I HAVE been doing some mercenary work; hunting a bounty on the side. Scrapping is boring as fuck, dude. Can't do it. Farmings okay, but that's just a garden, make some spare food on the side. Sometimes it feels like, when the adrenaline is pumping, when my life, and the lives of others, are on the line, that it's the only time I feel like me. Like I feel that I'm at home, that I'm happy fighting a war. A battle, a something, y'know? Something that makes it all really worth it. I just wish I could find something really worth fighting for, instead of money. I'd work colonial security, a noble enough job, but I can't stand Monolith's retarded security system and its host company's creepy system of surveillance. Anyway. I got back to Rigari two days ago. Spent some time with Volare and Kade, hung out at the Springs, went camping and checked out some new place called Seafather. Fuckin' stupid name, but it appears to be some sort of resort planet right now. Not really a livable place, especially after some sort of quarantine was set into place on the surface, but it's... Nice. Still prefer Rigari however. My little scrapping business didn't work out either. Sold that shit for half it's value. Wasn't interested in it anymore. Anyway, just a quick update for the system. If anything big happens, I'll be sure to write it down. Until next time. - Sarah McKinley
ENTRY 34 28 March 2416 Orbit over "Upside" ENTRY BEGIN: Place called 'Upside' opened up recently, been checking it out. Heavy criminal activity in the area, which is curious to say the least. Haven't seen major criminal activity in this sector since New Tetanus collapsed and had looters ripping apart every last piece of machinery and equipment on the planet surface. Or was that in Antares? Jesus, it's all blending together. Yeah, yeah, New Tetanus was Antares territory, so I haven't seen major criminal activity since... Well, Antares. I responded to a distress call out deeper in the sector, and ended up saving a wounded Novakid. Or, helped to do so anyway. And it got me thinking about a new avenue I can start working down. What if I started levying myself as a mercenary? Or started responding to distress beacons myself? I figure the job would pay a hell of a lot more than being a scavver, and it's more in tune with what I like doing. I could recruit a small team of professionals like myself and start operating in the sector as a quick reaction force and a security team hired by local colonial militias. Train PDFs and take on missions for income while responding to distress beacons, natural disasters, etc, for free. I like the sound of it. Just needs a name. McKinley Security Technicals? McKinley Security Contracts? McKinley Security Response? Heck, should I even use my name? Probably not a good idea, come to think of it. Maybe something more simple, like 'Antares' or 'Rigari', instead of my name. I took some time to think about it, and I ended up finding another planet in Rigari's local system that could operate as a base. Has two moons perfect for training operations, and a large planetary body with water and wind for power, resources, etc. I'll start some planning on finance sheets, get on the radio with a local drone contractor and see about getting something underway. Named the primary planet Talekas, the forest moon New Rigari and the desert moon Muvaris. Sarah McKinley, the stellar pioneer. Hey, maybe Talekas Security Technicals? Talekas Quick Reaction Force? TQRF? I like it! Talekas Quick Reaction Force, TQRF, a security contracting company owned by yours truly. More later. - Sarah
ENTRY 35 11 April 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: I'm starting the company soon. More or less out of desperation. I don't have much money left, I can't find a good job and, quite frankly, I just don't see much else to do. I just spend my time roaming Upside now, trying to find people to talk to. Volare is awkward around me, I dunno if he notices that I notice. But I can see it. It's like he doesn't want to talk to me. Kade's gone, he broke up with me. Called me a bitch, all sorts of other things. I have no friends, no one to lean on, it seems. Don't they see I'm trying? I don't mean to be angry, but I can't help it. I've seen too many things, been in too many situations where I'm helpless, where people have died because I wasn't smart enough, fast enough; I didn't see or pay attention to the signs. I don't want to, I never want to, be in those situations ever again. Regardless of whether it's me or someone else that put us there. And these people walk around like this sector of space, these worlds, is a safe haven. Protected from the evils that surround us every single fucking day. They ignore, they forget the bodies, the murders, the kidnappings. I never have. I still remember the day I saved Ziggy's life in that house on the Gardens. When they took Glauen's wife from right under my fucking nose when I chased that Floran down and blew its fucking organs across that deck. The pirate attack on Bork's transport frigate. The obscene level of destruction on Earth, on Terra. Christ, I could go on and on and on. How do these people... Forget? I see this shit in my dreams all the time, and it drives me insane. Maybe that's what divides me from them. They forget, and I don't. It's my curse to bear; my struggle on my shoulders. I am the bearer of all their sins. It's my duty to ensure their blind eyes are safe from the death and destruction they cannot see. They'll never understand the pain I bear every single day. Because they leave their past behind, and I carry it forward as a message to the future: Do not repeat the mistakes of the past, or we will end up as they did. Corpses, a burning world encased in tentacles and demons. Husbands, wifes, children and children to be. Gone. Just like mine. Michael, I'll never forget. Sally, I never saw. Maybe it's better that I never did. Only one more demon to add to my mind. Their embers stoke my flame. I'll be opening the Talekas QRF's applications soon. With the recent attack on Upside, a little justice might do some good. But not before these fuckers know what a real military is like. Not like that fucking 'United Systems' shit. More like a bunch of fucking highschoolers playing pretend. No, this is going to be something real. The bad guys won't know what hit them. - Sarah
ENTRY 36 13 April 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Jesus, I must have had too much to drink when I wrote my previous journal. I guess I can say I write eloquently under the influence. I'll be starting the company when I feel like it. Maybe I won't even start the company. I had a base planned out, a logo n' everything. But do I really want to work and train other people; be burdened by handling paychecks and discipline? Fuck man, I dunno. I'll try petitioning Upside for a job in security. From there, we'll see what happens. - Sarah P.S. I'm not fucking crazy.
ENTRY 37 8 May 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Recruits Kahlua, Cole, Mick and Jaycee successfully completed the first ever Talekas Quick Reaction Force two-week basic training. They successfully completed introduction courses to military discipline and customs and courtesies, weapons training and handling, hand to hand and non-lethal means of eliminating a threat, physical training tests, rucking, combat life saving, and a three-day, thirty mile, full-gear hike under extreme stress. I am so very proud of all four of them, and I can't wait to start handing out mission orders and getting the database online on Starnet so we can really get to work. I'm tired. More tired than when I finished Field Training back when I was at the University of Vermont. Probably a little less tired than when I was flying an F-87 for nine hours at a time, so.. I'm pretty tired. My voice is hoarse and my confidence is a little shaken after what happened with Paige. Fucking bitch, I /told/ her it was going to be hard. I /warned/ her I would be screaming. I fucking told her. I fucking told her I fucking told her I fucking told her. It's not my fault. It's hers. She backtalked me in front of the entire flight. Squad, whatever. Eventually after she openly defied my leadership and was talking shit to me, I told her to get the fuck off Talekas. She pretty much told me I was a Nazi and, then, fuckin' sent me a message telling me she couldn't be with someone like yes. Yeah, I haven't updated my journal in awhile. Paige asked me out. We hung out twice, then she tells me I'm essentially a piece of shit. Just like Kade did. Fuck that cunt. Fuck her. Just cause she can't handle yelling. WELL! Everyone-fucking-else made it through you slimy piece of shit, so that makes you the bitch here doesn't it? The only things I can regret doing during training are insulting some of the cadets. I told Kahlua he was 'lackadaisical' like his father, and.. I'll admit, that was way too far. I felt bad about it afterwards but, during instruction I couldn't apologize for it. Still feel bad about it two weeks later. I'll uh.. I'll have to talk to him after their graduation ceremony. I think after I do some operations with Talekas for awhile, I... I think I wanna finally settle down. I want a family. Kids. I dunno how yet, but I wanna do it, more than anything. Talekas will get some money in my pocket and, hey, I can still run it from an administrative standpoint. I just gotta figure out how to pull something like that off. Sectors not even that safe, although Rigari has been clean of any attacks or raids or anything like that. It's peaceful, and I did sink almost half my credit account into it, and that's back when I was rich from scrapping and Terran credits. I'm gonna try and set up a meeting, either with Mud or Upside in order to get Talekas some operations right away. Mud doesn't allow openly carried weapons so that might be a problem. I'll probably force a contract with Upside and just use the colony as a staging point should Mud or anyone else in the sector require assistance. Once we get that contract set up I can start paying my people, too. I'm also considering sending a team to take Fort Brakken and add it to our trio of controlled worlds. Fort Brakken was Max's old colonial center back in the day; a big-ass castle right above a massive Erchium deposit: a gold-mine of starship fuel. If Upside doesn't bite, we can sustain ourselves for months with credits from selling that fuel to the colonies or, hell, even passing traders. Alright, time to go for a run. I need to clear my head a bit, and Rigari's weather is crispy, cold and clear as the stars in the sky. I'll do a mile sprint today, gonna try and get a 6:28 again. Perfect. - Sarah McKinley
ENTRY 37 9 May 2416 Orbit Above Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: I crashed today. Hard. Not in the literal sense, at least, I hope not, since I'm still in my goddamn ship. I mean, the stress man. Britton quit the TQRF the day it was made to move back to Upside, and, fuck, the whole thing with Paige just hit me harder than I expected. It's not like I gave a shit about the bitch, just, how could someone be so fucking cruel, y'know? To say those things and just stab another stake right into my fucking heart. And now I'm struggling to find a contract for the TQRF. I dig it that it's just the first day it's opened, but after that terrorist attack on Upside that blew the fucking sewers up, I'd assume there'd be a fucking LINE for help! But no, the fucking God almighty United Systems faggots came in to save the FUCKING day. Taking good work from my people, and just making me go fucking insane looking for something for these guys to do. I'm gonna need to start another recruitment drive soon so I can get more people, too. No Britton, no Paige. Four people including myself are in the TQRF. That's not fucking enough. Got another application today, though, which is good. I guess I'll throw some posters up on Starnet once we make a move on Fort Brakken this weekend. Yep, Max's old shindig. Erchius up the asshole at that place. If we can set up an outpost there and get the drills running, we'll be able to sell Talekas-brand fuels on the market and have enough money to lay around for a long while and do small ops and training missions while the big shit waits to happen. Just petitioned Mud, but knowing Ernal and his pacifist ways, he'll definitely be a difficult one to work over. But at least Mud will be something, and we can use it as a staging point to work towards foreign colonies as well. Wait, I forgot the whole reason I wrote this. It was to state that I wasn't even that stressed. I mean, I was for a moment there writing this shit but, I feel calm. Took someone to bed with me tonight and, quite frankly, it wasn't someone I expected. Novakid girl named Rose. Picked her up from Upside's strip club before it was sunk in sewage. Can't say shit though cause, frankly, she's a really nice person. Complimented me the whole time we had dinner, and while our meeting wasn't exactly what I was used to, it was... Nice. Refreshing. The stress of the last few weeks just melted away. She's still here too. Thought someone like her would bounce right after but, no, she's staying. Cuddled with me until I got up. Heck, only reason I'm even writing this is cause I got up to get some water and decided I should probably just put down some news. Speaking of which, I'm gonna shut this fucker down and get some rest. Eggs and coffee in the morning. Beautiful. I'm not GAY, though. I wouldn't do this shit with a HUMAN woman. Even though I dated Paige for like, four days and all she did was throw sexual innuendos my way, I was probably never gonna say yes to it. Doesn't feel right. Never will. But this was... Better. Different. Alien. So maybe it was worse. Wasn't gay, though. - Sarah
ENTRY 38 13 May 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: I got drunk in front of one of my PMC guys. Kahlua Downsilk. Fuck me, dude. Fuck. Not just him either, a few other people. I didn't even realize it when I was drinking, but now that I sobered I could see they fuckin I mean I wouldn't ssay they hate me, but I just feel like they couldn't bear to be around me. That I'm a liability. A fuckin weight on peoples shoulders. I don't wanna be that. I really don't. I'm trying. I'm trying really hard but it's just so hard. It just hurts. A lot. All of it, all the time. I have my good days but the last week has just been awful and I just want it to stop. I'm gonna go to the thing tomorrow. Some sorta meeting for peopke who've been in combat. like a su[port group. I guess that might help. Anything else but visiting a bar because thats just making it worse. i just don't want people seeing me as a burden, because I'm not. It's just a hard time. But I'm scared that Volare's gonna give up on me. He's like my only real friend left ans I'm so scared i'm gonna lose him too. And this time it won't even be fate, it'll be my fault. Fuck me, Sarah
ENTRY 39 19 May 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: The Talekas QRF secured a new headquarters on a new world, although I have yet to name the planet. Probably something simple, like New Talekas. It's a dark world, and the base was once inhabited by Council researchers working on some sort of floral project that ended up killing the entire staff. Too bad. However, the facility is a huge step above our old wooden one on Talekas, and it'll give up an expanded operational awareness and the ability to hire more staff. We'll keep Talekas Base as a training station for new recruits. Fought with Kahlua, sort of. He's been sending me mixed signals on and off the last week or so; literally checking me out full on during fucking duty. I didn't pay it much heed until he started getting a bit more intense with it after we completed our operation today in taking the new headquarters. Thought I'd play back a bit, little did I know he was completely playing with my head. I even told him some personal stuff, vulnerable stuff. Made me feel that way anyway. Thought I could trust him, but no. He's just Ziggy, all over again. Just looking to fuck you, fuck with your head, and that's it. Cept' this time Ziggy Junior, out of the fucking blue, after all his flirtsy shit, says 'Nothing will ever happen between us' and 'I can't help but admire a good body, Miss Sarah'. MISS SARAH? The saaaame fucking thing his father would say. Oooooh FUCK man. I'm not mad that nothing happened, I never intended anything to happen in the first place, but for some fucking reason he just THROWS the blame on me, like it's MY fault that he's somehow attracted to me. So, yeah, I'm not happy about allowing myself to open up to him. So, in order to make sure this isn't an issue anymore, I'm gonna crack down on all of it from now on. No more flirting, no more provocative statements. I see it, I hear it, you're getting fucked. The issues we had, have, whatever, won't be an issue so long as he continues to follow orders. I am sad though.. Thought Kahlua could just be a normal fucking friend. Thought I could trust him. Should have learned from my time in the Air Force, though, not all military personnel are worth trusting. Jaycee is doing better. I spoke to her and tried to relax her, even took her along for our op today before her paid leave this week. She seems to be in a bit better of a mindset, so I won't have to worry about having her removed from our contracting roster. I will need to worry about those USCM cocks on Upside though. Britton quits the TQRF to protect Upside, and now he's responding to distress signals. Like, what the fuck? What a piece of shit. Also, Annabelle is apparently alive. And she wants her stuff back. Rodrick made sure to stuff it to me today, lots of cursing, lots of 'yelling' per se. Ann also yelled at me, said I stole her stuff, or something. Rodrick is also mad cause I missed his business call about equipment for TQRF. Oh boo fucking hoo. Call me again, you stupid cunt. I'm saving lives. Don't bitch. I'm keeping as far away from it all as I can. I don't need to be involved, I don't need any of it. I got my job, I got my own friends, and I'm staying to it. Friend, anyway. Volare's like, the only person that actually likes me anymore. That, well, I like back, anyway. He's my only fucking friend, it seems like. Rodrick and I fight too much, Annabelle never will be, Paige doesn't like me anymore cause I'm a 'Nazi', don't talk to Kade cause he's a dumb cunt, Jaycee and Kahlua and Mick and Cole are my staff members, Britton's an edgy liar that went back to hang with his USCM butt-fuck-buddies, and that about sums up the significant people I know. So yeah, Volare. Volare and Rose. I'm friends with a bird guard on Mud and a stripper from Upside. Not that that's a bad thing, I just... I just wished more people would appreciate me for me. I'm not perfect, no one is. Just wish people would, y'know, appreciate. It's not all bad though. I run a PMC! My own company. Incredibly successful so far. New uniforms and equipment coming in soon! Have a contract with Mud and a new base! Soon as we start exporting local crystals from this perpetually dark world, we'll finally have serious income! Apparently, these worlds are super rare, and so are the crystals they house, so bam, ka-ching! Instant treasury explosion for Talekas. Just need to make more friends. Meet somebody, and I'll be happy. Truly. Can have all the success in the world, but it's friends and family that really hold a heart together. I just... Gotta find that circle. Gotta find that man. It'll happen eventually. I'm sure of it. I know it will. Gonna go lay down. Tired, and my fuckin' boob is blue as shit; bruised badly. I got shot in the chest during the operation, knocked the wind out of me and broke my plate carrier. So yeah, sleeping on my back tonight. Holy shit I wrote a lot tonight, Sarah McKinley
ENTRY 40 20 May 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Good day. Got new TQRF gear from our orders, promoted Kahlua to Sergeant, and spent most of the day off just enjoying myself. It felt good to just, y'know, kick back for once. I didn't get out of bed until 1 PM, I didn't go to the gym, didn't run. I just relaxed, watched the stars, sipped coffee and just, y'know, did my own thing. I left Rigari late afternoon feeling much, much better; relaxed n' whatnot. I even fought with Paige on Starnet to some degree, but I wasn't MAD. I was just chill, y'know? I handled it well, I think. I just got up this morning and just decided to step outside, sit on my porch, and just think. Just watch. Just drink some coffee, sip a beer, eat a sandwich, and just relax for a few hours. Snoozed, read a book, dipped in my tub. Christ, I wish this worked more often. Can't say I can do this again with the same effect. But nothing hit me today to make me really feel like shit. I held all the bad stuff back. I didn't think about what happened the last few days, I didn't let my mind wander. I just enjoyed Rigari's nature, enjoyed myself, enjoyed the day. Good day overall. I needed one. - Sarah
ENTRY 41 24 May 2416 Mud ENTRY BEGIN: What a shitty day. Floran attack on Upside yesterday, Karo added to our roster as a recruit. He still doesn't fucking get it that you need to call me 'ma'am' or, 'Lieutenant'. Not Sarah. TQRF is doing well, but it's wearing on me hardcore. Responded to multiple events. Killed Florans on Upside, killed an infected individual on Upside and an Agarian on Ragnarok. Saved people. Saved people. Saved a lot of people. But it doesn't always make me feel good. Sometimes it just burns my mind. The people I've killed, shot. Doesn't always seem worth it, but I know it is. We need more employees. I need a break. But how can I find a day off? I never expected so much bullshit to take place in this sector. It seems ever since the TQRF went active that shit just keeps piling up! Maybe I should set up a little get-together for the troops so they can relax. Set up our training event in around two weeks for new recruits. I'm tired. More tired than I've felt in a long time. I feel like I wanna cry, I wanna lay down and just ignore everything. The Florans, fucking Florans, the bad guys; all of it. I'm so tired. But I gotta keep going. Keep moving. Hopefully no more distress signals for a lil' bit so I can take a break and just drink, enjoy some time with friends. I'm rambling. I need to take a chill pill. I'm at the Mud bar, and they just carted some eight foot tall fuckin' Floran off the colony, and they don't seem to interested in my help. Fine by me. I'm gonna enjoy this rum and coke, take a deep breath, and clear my head. Yeah. Yeah I'm gonna relax. It's all calm now. It's raining outside, the birds are chirping ( the small ones, anyway ) and I can hear the windchimes rattling in the wind. It's peaceful. Sometimes a little writing can help calm your mind, I guess. I just need a good laugh, a good time. I'll try and write a more detailed 'report' on all the shit that's been going on tomorrow. Karo, Ops with TQRF, time with Volare, and plans for the future. Mining operations on New Talekas, new uniforms, new gear, ideas to make money. Blah blah blah, I'll cover it all tomorrow. Night night. Oh, I also pushed that Flightless priestess to the ground by accident, and I thought her big guard bitch was gonna slit my throat. All because a Floran. I fucking hate those big ugly fucking plant shits. Fuck em'. Most of them anyway. Okay done. Alcohol. Relax. Calm. Until next time, Sarah
ENTRY 42 27 May 2416 Upside Apartment 01 ENTRY BEGIN: Rented an apartment for the night, decided I wanted to try something new. Didn't feel like making the trip home to Rigari and wanted to sleep planetside tonight. Started a new operation: a humanitarian op after we discovered a refugee camp had opened in the sector due to some guys retreating from another sector. Not a lot of information yet, only that they need resources; food and water mostly. Talekas QRF is working directly with Mud in order to begin transporting supplies to this camp, although we haven't gotten a list of what they need yet. I'll be contacted by their leader, someone named 'Blaze' apparently. Some tatted up chick who leads the refugees. Kinda reminded me of myself when I was going through that 'emo' phase in my early teens. Talekas is taking on new recruits in two weeks, and I don't think we can support any more on our current funding. We have about... I think exactly 2000 credits a week, and we pay 500 one week for maintenance and around 2500 every other week, total, to pay for contractor salaries. We can easily afford that now, but add promotions and another four souls to that, and we're in the red. I'm currently working on purchasing a mining drill from one of the sector mining companies, as there's some crystals on New Talekas that are worth a good amount of money. I'm looking at an investment of around 750 to 1000 credits per drill, and they can yank a quarter ton of that blue crystal out of the ground a week, which is about... Buttons n' mathematics n' shit... A thousand credits a week. Maintenance costs will increase, however. We can probably afford one right now, and we'll be able to support ourselves just fine. Blah. Money money money. Kahlua was wounded. I was really worried about it. Plus, Jaycee seems even more on-edge than she did before. I'm very concerned about the mental well-being of my men and women. Also I'm writing really weird. I just realized it's so.. Well, it's more professional than usual. I guess I just feel a little better after today. The whole humanitarian thing. I think it's boosting morale; just helping people out. No guns, no fears... Just giving people the help they need. It's what Talekas was designed to do, and I think just doing that will help our hearts a little more. Certainly made me feel a lot better. About everything. I don't feel like I'm about to crash, like I usually do. Don't feel utterly exhausted, don't feel /too/ angry even though why are so many fucking people bumrushing that refugee camp. Like I said, it's a refugee camp, not a fucking water park, you fucks. Oh shit, there I go. Time to go back to track. Anyway, anyway, yeah. Kahlua and Jaycee are acting sort of weird. I'm concerned. Kahlua it makes more sense, since he was wounded during his duty hours, but Jaycee is just... Off. I'll have to track her down and speak to her privately. I slept with Volare. No, not sex. Not this time. We spent time together at the Springs, although Kahlua was there for awhile, so it was a tad awkward and very, very funny. We cuddled for a little bit, I gave him a back massage, and we slept in his bed. And I made him eggs in the morning. So housewife-like, and it me feel... Complete. Happy. I know it wouldn't work out in a relationship, though. He wants children, and so do I. And he can't give me kids, and I can't give him the kids he wants. It's too bad, too. You don't find many men like him. Whole. Kind. Intimate. So much more than Ziggy ever was. I'd say I loved V, except that I know what road that would take me down, and I can't do that again. For now, he just gives me comfort, a shoulder to rest on, a body to love, and a friend. That's all I really need from him, and that's okay. I'm tired, a little lightheaded. I'm gonna go lay down and get some rest for the night. Pretty sure I covered everything I needed to so, g'night. - Sarah McKinley
ENTRY 43 13 June 2416 'Unity' ENTRY BEGIN: Ran another operation last night; got Talekas 25 G's for it. Had to rescue dude named Oakie's family; two parents, one sister. However, due to the incompetence of Oakie, Omega, and that fucking robot, the robot was shot and wounded, and the sister burned to death. Incompetence on Oakie's part for not allowing me to take my men with me, and Omega and that robot for ignoring any tactical sense, and just charging the fucking gunman. Then Omega started beating the fuck out of the Hyltol; torturing the guy. Broke his jaw and was gonna do even more shit before I shoved em' to the ground. Then Oakie loses his shit, starts fighting me and Omega yada yada yada. I got a fuckin' bruise darker than the night sky on my fucking sternum n' tits. Jesus Christ. We got the Hyltol to Upside to be tried and hopefully executed. People like Oakie and Omega are stupid as shit. How dare they. How could they. Here they are, talking about 'frontier justice' and shit, when they're being the biggest fucking hypocrites in the sector. I just hate people like them. I hate them so fucking much. God, I wanted to fucking blow that shitbags brains out across the forest floor so FUCKING much, But I didn't. I'm better than that. I know I am. I'm not a fucking psychopath. I'm BETTER than they are. BETTER than Omega, than Oakie. I'm FUCKING BETTER. I can control myself. I know whats right and wrong. I am okay. Sometimes I wish you were still here Michael. I know it's bad thinking. It hurts me, it's like a tear in my chest that I can't close. But you understood me like no one else did. You put up with my anger; you held me tightly when I wanted to bash someones fucking brains in, and you never questioned it. You loved me for me. Like no one else can, like no one else could. You told me it was going to be okay, even when it wasn't. Where were you when it all fell apart? Did you die? Did you fly away? Are you still around? Do you still think about me? Wondering where I am; hidden amongst the stars? Do you fear, that I too, died when Earth fell? It's better not to think about it though. Maybe one day, by blind luck, I'll see you again. But I can't hope. I can't believe that I will, because I probably won't, and I can't live praying that one day I'll find you again. I can't take any broken promises anymore. I don't have enough heart left for it. I'm so tired from lifting the weight of others that I can barely handle my own fucking problems. My fucking liver will probably give out before I die of a gunshot, a stab; some other gruesome death. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this; seeing this horrible things. Replaying them in my mind every single night, every breath. A life I've taken. Lives I've saved. The hot, spent rounds ejecting from my rifle; bouncing off my burnt flesh, and searing my arm hair. The momentary confusion as I get the ground; the ringing in my ears. Floran blood poured on the ground. I don't know how much longer I can do it. It's eating me alive. - Sarah
ENTRY 44 17 June 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Training is starting soon; I'm having Kahlua handle it as the commanding 'officer' per se, as training for when I promote him to Lieutenant. TQRF is doing well; hell, we hardly have to do operations as often as we had to, and we're getting paid for defending Upside and Mud. Working on a new shipment of shotguns and bullet shields to be sent to Talekas HQ, and we got some crystal extraction equipment on the planet now to get that stuff moved out; should make a profit off of that stuff. Christ, I'm tired. I'm writing this journal entry in the early, early morning of June 17th, and I dunno why I'm not getting any fucking sleep. Probably those two coffees I had earlier cause, Christ, that Talekas HQ coffee machine makes a good fucking cup of joe. Need decaf. Kade's been following me. He's followed me home twice. He's asked me to shoot him. Hurt him. Usually I'd just deal with him myself but, there's something... Terrifying about the fact that he wants me to hit him. Hurt him. It scares me. The fact he followed me home, the fact he keeps texting me, screams at me. I just couldn't face him. I couldn't fucking do it. I had to call some friends to Rigari to get rid of him, which I feel really bad about. I'm supposed to be the strong one, y'know? I'm supposed to be the leader, and then... This shit happens. Fucking sucks. I honestly thought Kade was getting better. Guess I was wrong. I actually even approached Blaze about it, the refugee camp boss lady. We sat down and talked about it; had a good conversation. It's funny how.. Alike, we are. I mean sure, she's tatted to holy fucking hell, and she literally gives so little shits, or.. At least SEEMS to give so few shits. She seems like it, but then again, why the fuck would she be running that camp if she didn't care. About people. I don't fucking know; I'm tired and my brain is running in a million different directions. She's cool. 'Cept when she kissed me. YES. IT HAPPENED. FUCK. ME. DUDE. This chick just leans in and plants one hardcore, and is just all 'oh ye its whatever man i aint gonna go after ya i just gotta thing for blondes'. Like. What? She's cool, but that shit ain't. Not gay. Nope. Nuh uh. Ugh, fuck, I need to go get some rest. Maybe I'll just pop some benadryl or something. That shit's okay with caffeine right? Agh, I'll check the label. Goooodnight. - Sarah
ENTRY 45 20 June 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Every day is like we're fighting a war. A never stemming tide of Florans, raiders, pirates, Glitch. All seeking to cause pain and suffering among the people of this space. And there's so little I can do. I've been on at least a dozen operations this past month; three to four in the past several days. I've kicked raving Glitch off of Mud, whom threaten to attack Nogun. I've had to perform chest compressions on a dying Hyltol as her blood spilled from her lips, and her ribs cracked and groaned under my blood-stained gloves. I've blown the brains out of Floran whom have captured tortured my soldiers. My people. My fucking family. We got Kahlua back today. He'd been taken from... Mud, I think. Florans grabbed him at the teleport station, just like Jaycee. She's missing too. Only found Kahlua, though, after we raided a Floran compound. He's beat up. We found him naked, stripped of his translator, and badly hurt. Angry that he couldn't find her. I think he was captured on purpose. He did it so he could find her. We're continuing our investigation on the Floran raids, and we're gonna find Jaycee. But I'm scared of what we'll find. If that's how we found Kahlua, could they have done worse to her? And she's been missing several days now. I'm failing my people. I'm failing my sector. I can't sleep. I haven't worked out in days. I'm not the support they need; I"m crumbling. Falling apart. God, I'm begging you. I don't even know if you exist anymore, but I'm begging you. Please, help me. Help Jaycee. Help Kahlua; help us all. I'm trying so fucking hard to protect these people, but I can't even protect my own soldiers. My own men and women. What am I gonna do? I know what I have to do. I have to keep pushing. To the end of my fucking wits, if I have to. I'll fucking find Jaycee. I'll kill those fucking plant fuckers; I'll blow their brains out and set fire to their heads and watch them burn alive. I'll protect these people as best as I can. That's all I can do. I can do no more, and I cannot afford to do any less. I need sleep. I need it. No more coffee, no more touching shit. Pop some more benadryl, and go lay down. Goodnight. - Sarah
ENTRY 46 29 June 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Jaycee left the TQRF. She's heading to Avos; apparently she decided it's too rough being out here and she needs to get amongst the 'civilized' again, if you can even call those worm eaters on Avos civilized. Rescued Karo, rescued Moonfeather; saved another two other people over the last few days. I felt like I was going to burst for the longest time. I was miserable. I still am.. I fucking hate this shit sometimes. But I managed to cool off today. I hung out with Blaze for a little bit, and we ate pizza and had some beers, and she was fucking toking super hardcore lol. She's a cool chick, and while she can be a total fucking bitch sometimes, and I mean outright just fucking sucky as a human being, she's got a good heart to her. I just wish it didn't feel like everyone was watching out over me. I'm supposed to be watching out over other people, y'know? And... Agh, who am I kidding. I'm not perfect; I can't just sideswipe the stress I'm under. Friends are friends, and they're there to help ya, and boy, do I need their help more than ever at this point. I feel better, though, after just chillin' with her, and I ended up doing pretty well on the next operation I did with the Marines. Rescued some blue Avian off a desert world who was being attacked by some insectoid aliens native to the planet. We all got busted up pretty bad, but we finished the fuckers off and got the fuck outta there. I'm considering quitting the TQRF. I thought it was what I wanted, but I dunno anymore. The undying stress of just... Fighting, fighting, fighting. Never looking out after myself; struggling to remain coherent and sane while juggling a billion fucking peoples problems. And then you become a... A fucking star for bad guys. Message you weird shit, do weird things directed at you. Fucking insane sometimes. I don't like it. But at the same time, I know that what I'm doing is helping people, and it's NOT all bad. There's plenty of good to it all. I like the feeling of helping people.. It makes it all worth something in the end, y'know? You ain't goin' to Heaven or, whatever, with your money and resources. You go with your memories, and I'd rather remember the people I helped than wish I had helped them in the first place. Not much else to catch up on. Been a pretty uneventful week, except for just work, work, work. Sempervines are pretty much shut down for the moment, the Faceless got fucked in our rescue of Karo, and the Legion's been primarily quiet, at least to my knowledge anyway. I need to get out more. I've been cooped up on Rigari for the last two to three weeks man. I need to talk to people; go out drinking, get some lunch with friends. It's not all just work. I need to.. Do stuff for myself too. Otherwise, what's the point in defending something you have no stake in? That, and I'm gonna go nuts if I don't take a break. All work and no play makes Sarah a dull girl! Okay, I'm fucking tired. I literally just got home from that op to rescue that blue avian from those bugs, and I'm covered in fucking bug guts. Fuckin' aliens, man. Nasty things. Gonna shower real quick, take a load off, have a beer maybe, then hit the hay. Goodnight. - Sarah McKinley
ENTRY 47 10 August 2416 Rigari ENTRY BEGIN: Everything's gone to hell in a handbasket yet again. Mud's closed off to outsiders, and Nogun is no longer around. Hit by a radiation strike, or something. Completely abandoned. TQRF is in a state of disrepair; may never rise to full operations, if I could even pull it back onto its feet regardless. Sunshine, that Core sector company, seems to have expanded operations in the sector since my.. Eh. Leave of absence. Can't get access to the TQRF database, and my ship is down. I knew it was getting old, and it certainty wasn't in perfect condition when I got it from that Novakid but.. As of two weeks ago, the Unity has been grounded on Rigari. Thruster malfunction in low orbit caused it to come in hard. Caused a buncha' damage to the place, so I'm probably gonna have to leave. No way I can re-grow those crops, re-build the walls.. I ain't in any position to do that. Still getting over my pneumonia, and my chest is still sore; healing, but slowly. I was wounded in action during an operation on what was once Upside. Some power armor'd bastards got hold of me and, well.. I got hurt bad. Broken ribs, and all that jazz. I've been bed-ridden for about a month at this point. I'm still way behind on what is going on in the local sector. I'm getting conflicting reports on what settlements are open, who's still around, and what the fuck is even happening. I guess everything is in a state of disrepair and confusion at this point. Not much I can do but wait it out. See what happens. Try and make something of it all once shit finally does start to come back together. I was invited to dinner with Kahlua, and Ernal. Both aren't doing too well; Kahlua's sick, and Ernal was hurt or something. I dunno the details. Kinda just seems we're all shambling around; bruised and battered. I have some serious choices to make in the coming week. Weeks, maybe, I dunno. What do I want to do? What AM I going to do? Can I go back to fighting other peoples battles? Or is it over for me? I dunno; we'll have to see what the Almighty throws on my plate once again. To tell the truth, though; I'm full. - Sarah McKinley' EDIT: Oh, almost forgot. While I was recuperating on Nogun, I got this package here. Fucking.. From Blaze. And it reads: "You look like shit (heart) Get better soon homo." Chocolate flowers. What a fucking chick that woman is, I swear. She's something alr oh fuck i just spilt cereal on the fucking.. God damn it.
ENTRY 48 4 September 2416 The 'Ladybird' ENTRY BEGIN: I found the Ladybird. I had to make quite a few calls, retrace some steps but.. I found her. She'd been posted in some Outer-Rim orbital shipyard, waiting to get picked up for a cheap price; being so old. They reworked a few of her systems, got her running again after Terra fell, so at least she's operational. I won't have to do too much, besides reworking some admin systems and tweaking some programs and thrust controls. Oh, and setting her up again internally. I won't have as much room as I did on the Unity, nor will I enjoy hot showers in my own personal bathroom, but... She's home. She's been my real home ever since Earth fell. She was there on Terra, on Earth, on the Gardens and on Katune. She was my ship. So many memories were had on her. When I fucking blew up Katune to get rid of those Florans, or, or when I took Ziggy onboard for that night of lust.. So, first time I fucked an alien, I guess. Uhm. Terra. Earth. Good memories, bad memories. Nightmares and daytime dreams. Dark clouds and sunshine. I miss home. I'm sick of being stuck on this backwater fucking planet. The ship'll be here tomorrow; I'm training the Unity's remains for her, and some coin. Big salvage wreck here; they'll love it. Some memories will be left behind yes. But.. It's a new tomorrow. No more TQRF, no more Rigari. No more fucking Sempervines. I'll need a new job. A new home. New friends maybe, although I.. I can't seem to get that right. Even then, there's a... There's a comforting thought to starting again. I just.. I just want to settle down. Maybe I can use some of my little bit of reserve cash to open a shop somewhere. Or a farm or.. Just, something that doesn't have to do with killing people. I love the lust of battle; the adrenaline, the rush. But I can't fight them all. TQRF proved that. I can't win every battle, and eventually the past is gonna come back to bite me in the ass, like it almost did on New Talekas. A reminder I'm just a human. A mortal. I can't come out on top every single time. I'm not hanging up the hat. If I gotta fight, I'll fucking crush windpipes, and I'll gut Florans, and put a bullet through a fucker's head. But it's not my main focus anymore. I want to wake up next to a great man, kiss my child on the forehead and.. Live for once. I want to live. I haven't lived since Earth. That's enough for now, I.. I need a break. I'm gonna go clean out the fucking uh, what's the word for it? Well, the ditch I've been pissing in for a week since the Unity's plumbing broke down, then make dinner. Maybe check the Instant Messenger system that's been set up. I just want to talk to someone. Anyone. Kahlua said he'd invite me to dinner. Ernal said he'd get me to, or would try to, get me to his colony. Mud. Almost forgot the name, fuck me. Ann said she'd come grab me. Nothing from any of them yet. Can't believe it, but I miss Blaze so much. Wonder what she's up to? Wonder if she'd come see me, when the Ladybird gets here. I just wanna talk to someone. I feel alone. Fuck, I gotta focus on something else. Piss ditch, yes. Piss ditch. Clean the piss ditch, then dinner, check the food stores, THEN the messenger. Gotta think about the necessities first. More later. - Sarah
ENTRY 49 9 September 2416 The 'Ladybird' Quick update. Finally got ahold of my old ship. She's a little banged up still, but she works way better than when I originally sold her. Man, the memories that washed over me when I stepped back inside her airlock.. Insane. I wouldn't say it brought tears to my eyes, but.. It was intense. All the old colonies, the old friends, the old events I took part in; all that shit came rushing back to me. Hell, practically smells like Earth on this old baby girl. Anyway, now I'm in the process of moving back in and getting everything put back together. I've been spending time with Annabelle in the meantime; she ended up picking me up for a few days, since the Ladybird was late being dropped off in orbit. Sort of awkward, honestly. She seems a little bit distant but, fuck it, who wouldn't be a little 'distant', a little.. Fucked, after all that's been taking place the last few months? It's been nice to eat real food, instead of emergency rations. Crappier than MREs, somehow. Not that'd I'd complain about an MRE anyway. At least it's human food, to some degree anyway. Uh, right. Once I get the Ladybird back on track, I'm gonna make a beeline for the nearest colony. Settlement, whatever's available. I need work. I spent pretty much the last reserves of my cash selling the Unity wreck and requiring the Ladybird.. The Unity's scrap is only going to get me a few reloads of fuel and maybe a month's worth of cheap meals. It sucks to be back on the bottom of the rungs but... That's life, y'know? Sometimes you live with riches, and sometimes it gets yanked away from you, as quickly as you got it. Oh well. I've always worked better fighting for my shit anyway. - Sarah
ENTRY 50 26 Oct 2416 The 'Ladybird' ENTRY BEGIN: Spoiler: IMAGE_FILE_ADDED ] Beautiful, isn't it? Dunno the name of the planet, but it's a pretty sight. Snapped it yesterday after tugging into the planet's low orbit. I've been doing some exploring recently; getting away from everyone else. Feel like I need it. I deserve it after everything that's taken place, at least. Haven't been 'home' in awhile, if I could call that particular region of Council Space home anymore. Home is where the heart is and, quite frankly, my heart isn't there anymore. My friends are gone, my loves lost. My homes crushed. What's the point anymore, it seems. Maybe I should keep going. Explore, and find worlds yet untouched by sentient eyes, feet, hands. Take dirt from each world, and carry it with me until the day the Lord finally decides it's time for me to rest. Then I can finally settle on one of those millions of untouched worlds, and just lay down. I think He knows that I deserve it, too. Live off the land. Meet a few travelers along the way? Who knows what might happen in the true frontier? I'm tired. I've never been this tired before. It's not a physical exhaustion, no, it's emotional. Mental. I'm barely thirty four and I feel like I've aged twenty years in the past six months. All the stress I'd been under had been unbearable. Hell, I must have missed my cycle at least three out of those six months. If that doesn't prove there's something going wrong with my head, I dunno what does. Or maybe I should go 'home'? Try to reconnect? Settle into another home that'll eventually be destroyed, find a job that'll eventually go under. Make friends that will eventually abandon me? But I guess that all applies to traveling, too? The galaxy is fraught with danger and uncertainty, and who's to say that, out there all alone, I'll be any better off? We'll see. For now, I think I'll keep going until I get that gut feeling. Y'know, the one that says you've strayed too far, Sarah. You're too far away. You need to turn back. Go home. I'll wait for that feeling, yes. I'll keep going until I know I need to turn back, and then I will. I won't be expecting a hero's welcome. If any welcome at all. - Sarah McKinley
