Ray's Holopad

Ray is in what appears to be an apartment room on Taranis. He sits on a modest wooden bed, in a room lit only by a candle on his nightstand. He is wearing something resembling compression workout pants and a sleeveless shirt. One would recognize the garments as the clothing he wears beneath his lab coat. He sits, smiling pleasantly in the flickering candlelight.

Well, first off, Katta made a full recovery from her burn wounds. She can walk, even run now. I will never underestimate the power of modern medicine. He looks around, gesturing about the room. She took the empty room we were given and turned it into a nice little three-room apartment. I took note of the style she used, to try and customize the house design to accommodate. I asked if she knew of any clothing vendors, as I recall her saying I need some new clothes. She did not, unfortunately, leaving me at a loss for what to do or say. Katta wanted to go to the bar, have some lemonade. We were again thwarted when we noticed the bar was closed down. I took the opportunity to ask her how she thought our relationship was going. I wanted to see if we were on the same page. We were, thank heavens; she also thinks it is going very well, that we should stay together, and that it is at the stage where we consider compatibility, but it is too early for marriage. I'm glad, I have time to properly design and build that house.

There was an alarm, someone thought the Outcasts were here. Long story short, they were long gone, but Katta and I were tasked with the duty of running all over Taranis in search of the Outcasts. We didnt see any, but when we reached the end of the run, Katta took off her hood and... Ancestors, she looks good after a run. She is indeed out of shape, but she's got what it takes to run. Hopefully she sticks with it.

When we returned to our apartment, we sat down and... She took off her jacket, which I have to say, I didnt really expect. She wore a tank top, and immediately proceeded to stretch her arms, reaching toward the back of the chair. Needless to say, I became...er, uncomfortable, lets say, and immediately proceeded to excuse myself to my bedroom to go to sleep. She called me... cute.

Okay, let me get this straight. I do not like being called cute. Cute often has a negative connotation of weakness or frailty, and I have been called cute by enemies, obnoxious aunts, and my sister. I greatly despise when I am referred to as cute. When Katta said it, however, it lost its negative connotation. I didnt really mind... well, I suppose I did somewhat, as my face reddened immediately after her saying it... but it was more of a shy reaction than...Er... I digress...

He shakes his head tiredly. I've got a lot on my mind, I should go to sleep. Goodbye, future self, friend of self or creepy person who has my logbook but shouldn't.

 

((this is supposed to be from a few days ago but got busy))

Ray sits on his bed at the Taranis apartment, and things look much the same as last time. The only noticeable difference is he sits hunched to the left a bit, with a hand holding his side, and he speaks a bit softer than usual.

Well, today I got shot for the first time.

I walked to the Taranis bar after working in the lab, as usual. Mostly doing design work. I met Jackson Britton again, a pleasant surprise. We chatted a bit, it seems he has joined the RA. Honestly, I think I am going to leave the Grey Hand. I dont want to admit it, but I'm approaching my mid-thirties, which really isn't a prime time to get involved in shooting things and being shot at, especially if you have an engineering background. I had been considering the RA, after suddenly coming to terms with most Floran, but Mr. Britton told me of the RA's usage of flogging. I see no reason for such vicious corporal punishment, and that really kinda deterred me from the RA.

Katta then arrived. I spoke with Katta about my possible leaving of the Grey Hand. I was about to explain the reasoning behind it, me not wanting to get killed and all, but we were called via radio to respond to possible Outcast insurgent forces. They had taken up hold in our apartment complex just outside the gates. We ran into position, and I considered it a good time to test my Devilfish. Hanging back, I assumed I was perfectly safe. I had only just turned on the liquidation systems when I was shot. It... didnt really hurt. I just kinda felt something burn at my side. One of their guys was hiding on the rooftop, and had shot me with a low caliber pistol bullet. It went straight through me without any difficulty whatsoever. Algae, or Ren, whatever his name is, came over and wasted no time in picking me up and pulling me out of there.

I was deposited in the infirmary, and just... left there. I sat there for a while. The only work that was done was the application of a primitive bandage to the area. The Taranis hospital is surprisingly understaffed and I really didnt know whether this was critical or not. About a half-hour later, Katta came in. I was pleased to see her, and I believe she was pleased to see me. She seemed rather surprised, or something. You see, I wasnt wearing a shirt, so my wound was only covered by the bandage. While we talked, she kinda... stared for a little while. I figured she must have been looking at my injury, but I'm not sure... She seemed to be looking a bit too high up...

Er, I digress. I told her of my desire to leave the Hand for a safer, more stable job. I voiced my concerns for her, as well. I really do not want to see her in the infirmary again, and I'm sure she feels the same about me. I'm happy to say that she said she would likely be leaving the Hand if we ended up married. That is good news. I'm not exactly inclined to see my wife killed in action, should we ever reach marital status.

She went to find a doctor after a little while. Probably too long. When she came back with a doctor named Napol, he said that if I had waited much longer, I would have died. That was troubling to hear, and I am glad Katta went to fetch him when she did. The stitching wasn't so bad, although I question the integrity of the stitching. I cant run or exert myself for a little while now, and frankly I dont want to. It hurts to speak too loud.

When he left, an hour of waiting, talking and mysterious staring went by. After this time, I decided to try and get up and walk. Katta came to help me up, as I was quite exhausted at the time. At the very moment Katta began supporting me, Kryssa happened to walk in. We froze, like children caught stealing a cookie. She quickly turned and left, as if she didnt really need to see that. Katta was horribly embarrassed for some reason. She kept explaining to Kryssa that "It wasnt what it looked like", and I supported Katta in her assertions, but really had no idea what was happening.

Regardless, I donned a shirt and my lab coat, and returned here with the help of Katta. Before I entered my room, Katta said "Dont die, I'm not done with you yet" and flashed a strange smile, almost a smirk. I still dont really get it. Must be some strange metaphor.

I need to learn how to understand these damned metaphors. I always feel like I'm missing out on some joke. Well... Goodnight, whomever is watching. I have a busy day tomorrow.

 

((yesterday))

Ray sits at a control console for some sort of fabrication system, controlling it with an interactive holographic display. This seems to be inside his ship, as the walls are plated with the characteristic HKC white plating. The hum of his ship's engine is heard, accompanied by small whirring sound from his fabrication system. He speaks somewhat absent-mindedly, focused on the work he is doing.

Decided to spend all of today finishing this thing. I'm not sure when exactly I'm going to use it, but it is in the foreseeable future, and I would like to be prepared for the occasion when I do use it.

It took me forever to set up the quantum-entangled communication in these things. Had to manufacture my own two quantum pairs. Instantaneous communication of cardiac pulses between the two devices is crucial to its correct operation. Nano-circuitry took longer than expected as well. Sensitive components, need to be if they are to pick up cardiac pulse rate correctly. Powered by electrical signals in nervous system, necessary if it is to work correctly. Should be enough energy for visible light pulse.

Got crystalline-carbon components from a high-pressure planet. Shot relativistic-speed magnetohydrodynamic cannon at planet surface, knocked off large piece of diamond-lattice carbon. Cut both specimens out of same rock. Not necessary, no. Makes for good story, though.

Silver and gold far too easy to get. Didnt need much, melted down a few grams, loaded into fused deposition component, began 3D printing. Placed nanocircuitry inside both specimens just a few minutes ago. Currently aligning last carbon lattice component... Aaaaaaand, there! He flips a holographic switch, sighing and smiling. Turn on cooling systems, give it a minute to set...

The small door to the machine slides open with a whir. Ray reaches inside and pulls out a pair of glistening silver rings. The design swirls around a round diamond. He holds them up to his eyes, inspecting them closely.

Designed them after a quasar I orbited for some time during my years as a freelance engineer. It was magnificent, watching the swirling gas in the accretion disk, the brilliant relativistic jets of energy, the symmetry and raw power and beauty... Nothing I had ever seen compared to it. I had decided that the quasar was the single most beautiful object in the universe. Katta... Katta just took it's place.

He puts one on his finger, and the other begins to throb softly with light. He smiles at his success.

Now, I just need to get some advice on how to do this thing and wait for the right moment. Wish me luck!

He takes a deep breath, exhales sharply and shuts off the camera.

 

Ray sits on the wooden bed in his apartment. His gaze is downcast, and he seems to be either extremely tired, saddened, or both. He speaks with a slow, low tone.

I feel... I dont know.

I saw Vivian at Taranis, at last. About the only positive part of my day. She definitely was not happy that I was with the Grey Hand, but she seemed to be relieved that I was giving up combat-related engineering occupations. I will be working with her from now on, I'm very happy to be back with a friend.

Then, Katta arrived. Vivian was just leaving, and Katta said she needed to talk to me in private. Ignorant to the graveness of such a statement, I followed her back to the apartment. We sat at the table, and that's when I started to worry. She seemed very... apprehensive, ashamed, unsure. I asked if something was wrong. That... was an understatement. To sum it up, Katta got drunk, attempted to... subdue, a human, got high, thought a Floran was her long-gone boyfriend, and kissed him.

I didnt know what to do. Or what to say. Or what to even think. I felt a mixture of sadness, anger, jealousy, betrayal, self-loathing, sympathy... She seemed so absolutely devastated about it, but...

I could not handle this sudden influx of emotion, and proceeded to leave the apartment. I ran to a nearby fountain, reflected on what just happened, tried to think thing through, and try to deal with my emotions. Thinking... just made it worse. I logically realized she must still have great underlying feelings for her Floran boyfriend, who I am nearly certain engaged in intercourse with her. I also realized that she knew how she behaved when she drinks, and she knows she metabolizes ethyl alcohol at a low rate. Thus, she must have... wanted something like this to happen. I then derived that her past of polygamy must still have a grip on her. I stopped thinking there. Thinking, I realized, would only make it worse.

But she seemed so distraught, so self-destructive, so remorseful by what she did. I couldnt help but feel empathy. I went back and forgave her, reassured her, told her everything is going to be alright. I think she believed my facade. Everything is... certainly not alright. I had thought she had changed, I had thought she... she loved me.

I dont know why I so desperately wanted my emotions back a few weeks ago. I miss the days where I could objectively view scenarios and think through things. Emotions are horrid, horrid things. They have the power to warp the truth, to distort an image, to make one believe something they know isnt true. I... I wish I had never regained my emotions. Things were... simpler. They made sense. I knew why things were the way they were. Now... I dont know. I dont like not knowing.

I dont know what to think about Katta. I dont know what to say to her. I dont know what to do. I was so... so passionate about her before... I thought things were going to come out alright. I never thought for a moment that I could be looking at things through rose-colored glasses. I... I hate myself for trusting her... I invested so much emotion in her, and she just... she just...

I... I cant do this right now. I cant... no. Not now.

He shuts the camera off.

 

Ray sits on his bed again. The time stamp reads 5:30 AM. He looks like he hasn't had much sleep, if any at all. He speaks with a tired tone, sounding as if he had a frog in his throat. Figuratively speaking of course; Ray is no cannibal.

Haven't been able to get much sleep. It's hard to believe one little thing can do so much to you. Had lots of time to think, made things worse, of course, but after a while, made things better too. I realized I am too inexperienced to deal with this alone. I'm trained to deal with machines, not emotions. I'll ask Kryssa what to do. She saw what happened, maybe she observed something Katta hadn't told me about. Her insight will be helpful. She knows Katta relatively well. Hopefully she will help.

Maybe, I'll talk to Vivian, too. She isn't acquainted with Katta in the slightest, but... She knows me well, and... Well, I guess I just trust her. Must be some 'friendship' thing. Yes, I will ask for her help.

Maybe I should talk to Grey Hand operatives. They likely are well acquainted with her. Hell, might as well just ask everybody, write out a survey. That was a joke. Still... will need many opinions.

Far too inexperienced with this to judge for myself. Sometimes I wish I knew my emotions like everyone else does. Sometimes I wish I had none whatsoever. Both are disturbing to think about.

I really hope something like this never happens again. I really want this to work... but...

He almost seems like he's going to say something else, then shakes his head and shuts off the camera.

 

Ray, once again, sits on his bed in the apartment room. It is early in the morning, and he is wearing compression pants and shirt, seemingly exercise wear. He seems pleasant, contented, and speaks confidently.

I think things are going to be alright.

I came to Taranis looking for someone to talk to. I found just the person: Vivian. I was about to speak with her but a quirky golden glitch with a strange golden scepter pulled me aside to speak with me. He had a contract for a ship design, and I pulled Vivian over to join the conversation. He wants quite a big, expensive ship. The conversation was tiring, and I had had little sleep, so I found myself nodding off. Afterward, we went to her ship to catch up on each others lives.

Vivian asked why I was falling asleep in the middle of a discussion. I gave her the rundown of my situation with Katta, and she seemed appalled that I reacted so harshly. She made it seem like my reaction was uncalled for, and it seemed like she was right. She said Katta was drunk, it was only a kiss, and that she clearly really cares about me for telling me about it. Thank god Vivian was there to help.

I went back planetside and spoke with Katta immediately. I told her I forgive her for what she did, that its not important, its in the past, and that together we can make this work. It sounded cheesy, sure, but it worked. We're both on good terms now.

We went to the bar to chat, but lets just say everybody this side of antares wanted to talk to me. First, the gold glitch wanted to know about the ship, then Ren wanted to show us his temple, then we had to answer a distress call for a hylotl monk, then we went and saw Rens temple, found out he really was a psycho, tried to stop him from stabbing himself with a nearly melted kunai, couldnt stop him, shot him 26 times with my stun pistol to get him to stop, took him to taranis, got some hylotl doctor to fix him up, pulled over by the gold glitch again, some other glitch bothered us, another few glitch got pissed at us... yeah, thats about it. When we finally got a chance to talk, it was already very late. So, hopefully next time we wont be interrupted so much.

Gonna go for a run right now, think about things. Hopefully today goes well.

 

Ray sits on the roof of a building, looking out at a beautiful landscape of blue mountains and a jet black sky speckled with billions and billions of stars. He speaks in his usual professional tone.

Today, Katta and I were invited on a double date by Aerdem and Gillian. We really didnt have anything to do, and I havent seen either of them since before they were dating, so we decided to go. We had a nice dinner at Aerdem's mansion, and chatted about each others lives, recent events and relationship progress. I have to say, Aerdem is an excellent partner for Gillian. One can tell they truly respect and love each other. I wonder what others think about my relationship with Katta.

After dinner, Gillian, in character as usual, proclaimed her immense boredom. Katta suggested we go swimming at Nassau, and the majority voted yes. Granted, that majority was entirely Hylotl, as Aerdem, being an Avian, does not like swimming, but he went along with it.

I came to the realization that, as opposed to the college swim team, most people do not wear full-body hydrophobic swimsuits. Katta wore a two-piece suit, which... surprised me. He blushes a bit. Well, pleasantly surprised- I mean, it was a nice suit, and her skin- I mean... He murmurs something like "Ancestors, shut up Ray". She looked good in it. She wasted no time advancing toward me and hugging me in the pool. There was an alarming amount of skin-to-skin contact, which I was by no means prepared for, and this mechanical sensory overload triggered the dilation of choice blood vessels. After our embrace, I staggered backward due to the unexpected stimulus. She seemed confused and asked what was up. I didnt really respond; something certainly was up, both figuratively and literally, and I did not know how to tell her this in a socially acceptable or comfortable fashion, so I stood there stuttering like a fool. She, being the wise woman she is, knew exactly what was 'up' and attempted to reassure me. She was not entirely successful at first, but I forced myself to adjust to the situation at hand, knowing I had to get used to it if this was ever going to work.

After a few moments of adjusting, I felt... different, weird. I stopped being unresponsive and awkward, and embraced the situation. I felt... mischievous...and... well, bad, in a sense. I even tested a little trick I learned from a friend in college, who said it would come in handy one day. It certainly did, thank goodness for erogenous nerve endings along the gills. I noted t myself that I will have to employ that should we ever engage in coitus. Upon realizing what just went through my head, I quickly snapped out of this strange trance and realized that I had gone way too far. I alerted her of the time, evasively, and we both agreed to go to bed. She asked if I had a room to stay in here at Nassau. When I said yes, she seemed... saddened, or disappointed. Sometimes I worry I may never fully understand social cues...

He sighs, shaking his head.

I have decided to propose tomorrow. Wish me luck.

 

The screen flickers on, showing the dimly lit apartment room. The only light source in the room is the warm orange glow of the holographic laptop. Ray lies on his back atop his bed, watching his silver ring pulse rhythmically with a soft white light. He smiles contentedly, chuckling before speaking softly.

I cant believe it. I'm engaged.

I warmed up the long-range exploration and observation vessel. The only place of significance where I could do this would be in space, where I can truly connect with my soul, so to say. I pre-mapped a course to 3C 273, the quasar around which I drifted for a month, and never got tired of its majesty. I have to say, I was apprehensive about this. Would she say yes? Would she like the ring? Would I be able to speak, to actually propose?

I beamed down to Taranis, Katta was there already. I asked her to come with me, show her that "quasar thing" I told her about the other day. She came along, seemingly confused about what was going on. The journey took 5 minutes, even when you fold spacetime you cant eliminate the time factor entirely. When we got there, I walked into the observation deck apprehensively. I tried to explain to Katta what a quasar was, and she seemed entirely confused by my explanation, so I went ahead and undimmed the viewport. The quasar was just as beautiful as I remembered. Katta was entranced by it. I told her the significance of this quasar to me, that it was the most beautiful, brilliant, amazing thing I had ever seen. Was. Now, it was replaced by something more beautiful, brilliant, and amazing. Her. Sure, it sounds cheesy when I say it now, but it really... worked out perfectly. She asked what this was all about, and in response I took a knee, pulled out the ring, and said the line. He smiles, remembering the moment fondly. She said yes, she seemed so... so remarkably happy, I had never seen her so happy. It couldnt have been more perfect.

She loved the ring, especially when I showed her I had made a pair, and that they were connected via quantum entanglement. Well, I left out the whole quantum entanglement part, but she was amazed when she saw her diamond pulse with my heartbeat and mine with hers. It was a good touch, I'm glad I added that in.

We flew on back to Taranis, and celebrated with lemon aid. The rest of the day was mostly just talking to people, telling friends of our engagement... I dont really remember that much about it, the proposal kind of outshone the other events of the day. We talked about our wedding. None of us have any idea of how we want it to go, so it should be interesting.

Well, I ought to get some sleep, lot of planning tomorrow. Bye bye, people from the future.

Ray touches a wrist-attachment and the screen goes dark.

 

The screen flickers on to a dank, dark, glitch prison cell complete with wall shackles and hay bed. Ray sits at the foot of the bed, leaning forward and staring at some distant location beneath the floor. He is expressionless and speaks monotonously.

You may be wondering what I am doing in here. It has been some time since my last post, and much has happened. I shall give a brief rundown of the events antecedent of today before disclosing today's event.

Some time after the day of my engagement to Katta, I spoke with Vivian regarding employment. Long story short, I now work for her, developing custom spacecraft for clients. It pays exceptionally well, I will be receiving a few hundred thousand pixels once this next project is complete.

Another thing. I met Katta's brother, Silkwater Silverstream. Although he generally seems not to have amounted to anything, and has a strong obsession with alcohol he is... was, a decent individual for the most part. We met at Taranis in the bar every day for a few days, chatting about little things.

Today, we discussed the potential family that Katta and I would have. He noted that she could have around twenty eggs, which I was not fazed by. He was insistent upon discarding most of them. An incredibly immoral act. I suggested we instead use ovulation suppressors, rather than killing off the unborn like unwanted children. He continued to insist upon discarding, saying that Katta probably has had a few eggs already and discarded them herself. I promptly changed the subject. I had vowed to leave Katta's past life undisturbed.

Frax sat next to me, being friendless at the moment and bored. He proceeded to say that "If I knew what I was missing out on, I would have engaged in intercourse with her on the first date", I paraphrase of course, his grammar and vocabulary is... was, severely limited, even given his wealthy familial background. He then said that he of all people would know. I was incredulous at first, surely he would not engage in sexual activity with his own sister. I was reminded by him they were not genetically related, as she was adopted into their family. I froze. I realized this very man was the reason Katta had followed the life she did. He started it all. He stole her innocence. He took what was not his to take but hers to give.

Silkwater realized he had struck a sensitive spot, and instead of backing off like any sensible being would, he only buried the blade further into my proverbial flesh, twisting it with sadistic glee. He said "she had to do /everything/ I told her to do, and boy, did she do everything". I do not remember exactly what else he said, only that it was about him and Katta and things of which I dare not imagine again. He went further, saying I did not have the genitals to do anything about it. I decided to prove him wrong.

I realized negative emotion was building up inside of me, all of it directed toward Silkwater. I tried spontaneous meditation to calm myself. No success. I tried rationalization. No success. I tried counting to ten and back. No success. I tried breathing deeply. No success. None of the methods for self control which I had been taught were working. My judgement became clouded. All I wanted was for Silkwater to disappear from existence, to never have ever existed, to have died upon birth, to have been killed by Floran, anything that would remove him from his disruption of Katta's and ultimately my life. Frax offered to stab him. I permitted it.

I overturned the table a full one hundred thirty-five degrees into Silkwater with surprising strength. Frax stabbed his arm with a meager knife. I drew my stun pistol. Silkwater approached me, egging me on, begging for a fight. I discharged three stun bolts into his chest, rendering him unconscious. I approached his convulsing body, staring down at it. I hated him. I hated him more than the Floran savages who killed my family. I hated him more than the murderous Outcasts. I hated him more than I hated evil. I hated him more than I had ever hated anything in the universe.

I raised my pistol, and fired at his unconscious, twitching, horrendous, unclean, murderous, evil, worthless body. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Reload. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Reload. Bam. I remember it clearly. Fifteen shots. None missed. Every spot of his body. Made sure to target his groin three times for good measure.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Kryssa. I snapped out of my trance. Dropped to my knees. Dropped the gun. Cried. Kryssa tried to comfort me to no avail. Tried to explain myself. Felt guilty. Ashamed. Aubrey came. Summoned John. I gave my description of the events. I was escorted to prison. Kryssa wanted to help. She could not. No one could. Not now.

He begins to break composure, shaking slightly, anger building on his face. A look of near insanity would come over him, sneering as he speaks.

Now? I feel no remorse. He deserved much worse than what I gave him. I gave him mercy. I should have stunned him, taken him somewhere else, and... oh, the things I would do to him. He thinks he made Katta do everything for him? I would show him in another sense what it means to do everything to someone. Oh, the things I would have done to him. I would feel no shame in showing him what it means to be hurt. What pain is. How long it can last. How wrong he was about me not having the genitals to do anything. No, I wouldnt kill him. That would be too nice of me. No. His remaining life signs would asymptotically approach zero, ever quite reaching it, while the pain he would feel would exponentially approach infinity. Yes. That is what I should have done. Foolish Ray...

He stops, realizing what he just said, and puts his head in his hands.

I... I didnt mean that... I... Katta, I'm sorry. I'm still the cold-blooded murderer I used to be. Please forgive me... I... I may be executed, Katta... I'm sorry. I ruined this. What we could have had... a house, a family, a life together...

He takes a deep, shuddering breath, tears streaming down his face. He looks up, sees the feed still running, and angrily throws the device across the room. The audio shows a flurry of grey stone and then cuts out on impact.

 

Ray lies on his back atop a sleek white bed in a HKC-themed bedroom. He wears black compression shorts and is shirtless, breathing steadily and rhythmically, his chest rising and falling. A holographic digital clock reads 3:37, early in the galactic standard morning. He stares at the ceiling, bearing a blank expression of stupefaction, and speaks as if he were in his own little world, not entirely present.

Omega released me yesterday evening. I'm exiled from Taranis. Grateful it wasn't a more severe punishment. Katta was... happy to hear that. We decided to go around and visit a few colonies. Figure out where to settle. Warped to Opportunity, now called Port Last, entered geosynchronous orbit. We... didn't end up beaming down last night.

Not entirely sure how it happened. Didn't see it coming until it was too late. Katta and I were in the observation deck of the explorer. Told her we were over the colony, teleportation coordinates synchronized. She hugged and kissed me. Suppose she was grateful I was not dead and this was her way of showing it. If I were her I would just have said "I'm grateful you are not dead" but I suppose a hug and kiss was fitting. I accepted and returned hug and kiss as standard procedure.

Began to notice something... strange. Duration went over six point seven seconds, surpassed our average hug-kiss exchange time length. Disregarded this, after all, we had been separated by a prison cell door for a few days and this was a significant occasion. Kiss... er, intensity, increased. Force applied increased. Heart rate quickened. Extraneous motion. Oral fluid exchange. Not comfortable for me by any means. Decided to go with the proverbial flow, make Katta happy.

Kiss broke. Strange look from Katta. Seemed aggressive, hungry, unsettling. "It's time, Ray" she said. Considered possible implications. At first thought she meant time to visit the colony. Decided not likely. Her expression said otherwise. Then thought she meant time for dinner. Indeed, I hadn't eaten a decent meal recently, but again, her expression was not that of hunger. Took into account events immediately preceding. Noticed linear deviation between romantic physical activity. Standard hug, standard kiss, contact surface area increase, "French" kissing, whatever a french is. Possibly some sort of hydraulic valve, or type of dam. Will have to search StarNet for etymology. I digress, apologies. Extrapolated next logical steps. Included lack of clothing, erogenous stimulation, followed by... Mental alarm went off. Reserved for post-marital instances. Too early, I thought. Evidently not.

He sighs heavily, rubbing his face with both hands.

Submitted willingly. It was late, cognitive functions were limited, and hormone levels were particularly high. Followed her lead. Fears were correct. Extrapolated trajectory of interaction curve proved to be accurate. Was correct in thinking I wasn't ready. Nervous stimulation unexpectedly high. Not going into details. Don't really want to... Surely no one watching this does either...

How I feel now? Ashamed. Couldn't hold myself back. Granted, logical functions were impaired, awareness was low, but still... Wish I could have waited. Also, stunned. Not at all what was expected. Not sure exactly what I was expecting, but nothing that felt so... Erm, yes. Finally, exhausted. Not from physical exertion, I mean, I had a long day, and I didnt exactly exert myself at all- I mean... ugh, never mind.

I should just stop talking now. Thought processes not functioning correctly. Need rest. Think things over. Recover from trauma- I mean...

He murmurs something to himself, sounding like "ancestors above, shut up dumbass" then lazily touches something on his wrist device, and the feed cuts out.

 

The following is an archived text conversation between Ray and Gillian.

G: hi ray! hows it going?
R: Define "it".
G: lol stop being a boring scientist guy
R: You did not specify a topic.
G: with katta silly!
R: What about her?
G: u and getting married and stuff
R: Yes, we are getting married. I believe I already told you that.
G: i mean like has anything happened between u 2 recently?
R: No, we have not done anything together in the past three days.
R: That was sarcasm.
G: lol even if u said that in person i wouldnt be able to tell it was sarcasm cuz you speak like a robot
R: Okay.
G: so srsly tell me what u 2 have been doing!!!
R: I do not feel the desire to tell you the activities in which we participate any longer.
G: aw cmon without me u wouldnt even have dated her in the first place let alone ask her 2 marry u!!!!
R: Indeed, and thus your purpose has been fulfilled. Thank you for your advice and goodbye.
G: nooooo ur still stupid with girls u need my help
R: No.
G: pleeeeeeeeeease???
R: Adding an excessive amount of "e"s to a message will not increase the likelihood of my disclosure of recent events.
G: will question marks help? lol
R: No.
G: ugh youre annoying if i tell you about how aerdem and i are doing will you tell me
R: Definitely not.
G: well ill tell u anyways!!!!
G: so lets see a few weeks ago i asked him to marry me and he was like yea i was planning on it once this research thingy is done
R: Great.
R: That was also sarcastic.
G: shush im not done
R: Please be done soon.
G: so after we talked about getting married im in his bedroom and were talking about stuff like when my brain is gona be fixed
G: and its late and im about to leave and go to bed and he gets up and hugs me and tells me how he loves me and lots of cute romantic stuff
R: Did not need to know that.
G: yes u did u should be like aerdem hes so nice and cute and funny and ur just boring andd smart
R: Thanks.
G: that was sarcastic right
R: No.
G: ugh ur dumb
R: That entirely contradicts what you just said - "ur just boring and smart"
G: stfu ray
G: so anyways he like hugs me and he touches my sides on accident and i shiver n stuff cuz we have sensitive gills and stuff
G: and im like wanna see how to properly work with gills
G: and hes like yes
G: and i tell him to put his talons under my gills and to slowly drag his talons forward
R: I do not see any reason to tell me all of this.
G: but u should use it on katta!!!
G: cuz it feels awesome
G: and its sexy
R: Please stop. I do not like the direction in which this is going.
G: but im not done yet!!!
R: Would you at least get to the point instead of going into extensive detail about everything?
G: fine we had sex
G: ray its been like 10 minutes where did you go
R: Ancestors above, Gillian.
R: Why did you tell me this, and why didn't you wait until you were married like our parents told us?
G: cuz idk i wanted 2 tell you
G: and we know were getting married so its ok
R: Well, you can stop talking about it right now. And never talk to me about it ever again.
G: plus i wanted to make you jealous cuz i was jealous of how you two are dating and getting married and how everyone ships you two and i wanted to 1up you
G: so i did, like 4 times so i 4-up'd you lolololol
R: Ancestors above, Gillian, stop talking about that. It is incredibly uncomfortable. And besides.
G: besides?
R: Nothing.
G: BESIDES WHAT
R: Using the caps lock function will not increase the probability of disclosure.
G: WHAT ABOUT HOLDING SHIFT
R: No.
G: JUST TELL ME
G: DID YOU TWO DO IT TOO
R: I choose not to disclose that information.
G: OMG YOU TOTALLY DIDDDDDD
R: I did not say that.
G: YOU SO DID STOP TRYING TO HIDE IT
R: I'm leaving. I have to perform some calibrations.
G: STOP WAIT
-RayBeluga has left the conversation-
G: DAMMIT RAY I BET YOU DONT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO CALIBRATE
G: GET BACK HERE

 

Ray sits atop his shiny bed in his shiny bedroom on his shiny ship. He seems like he has been awake for a little too long, but smiles contentedly and speaks clearly, yet softly.

I had quite a strange day today. Ill get right to the point. Bad news first.

Katta's old boyfriend, I believe his name is Silkfin, is not dead. He was said to have been murdered by a tribe of Floran, but in actuality it was a faked death. Katta received a letter from him via a very rude woman, essentially saying "I'm not dead, I'm coming back, I'm sorry for the wait, I still love you and cant wait to see you." This is... unfortunate news. Not that I am upset that he is alive, no. This poor man is going to be devastated when he hears his girlfriend is engaged to be married to another man. Katta is very distraught about it. I am as well. I wonder... if I were in a similar situation, what would my reaction be? ...best not to think about it right now...

Er, anyways, another not-so-good thing. Right. So, Katta informed me that I have indeed been drunk before. I do not recall ever being drunk, but I suppose one forgets the events which occur during drunkenness. Apparently it was Gillian who had seen it happen. To sum it up, I... no, no. Not gonna tell it here. Never happened. Dont know what I'm talking about.

He shakes his head, then remembers something and beams brightly.

Good news, however! I received my pay for Free Radical's design project. Look... He pulls a check out of his jacket and waves it around. Three hundred thousand pixels! I had no idea this job paid so well! This brings my savings up to about 750,000 pixels. Things could not be better financially, with this I will surely be able to purchase a house. That leads me to another thing, Katta visited Gum, spoke with Yukari, and we are being offered a free plot of land there!It seems like things are finally coming together. Now all we must do is schedule this wedding.

Sorry for the abbreviated entry. I had better get to bed. Long day of work ahead of me tomorrow.

He sighs, contented, then shuts the feed off.

 

Ray sits at the foot of his bed aboard his ship. He looks horrible, a blank, sullen look on his face.

Today... I...

I had just placed an order for the structural members of our house. Sixty thousand pixels. I noticed my ring was flashing much too fast for normal. Faster than I had ever seen. I scoured Port Last for Katta. No sign. No help. Nothing.

Radio broadcast asked for me. Said they had Katta. Needed me to give them everything. I didnt give them everything, of course, but... I had to wire them my remaining funds. Seven. Five. Zero. Zero. Zero. Zero. Pixels.

Found Katta naked in our old Taranis apartment. Had to go there illegally. She... showed no gratitude. No thanks. No worry. No sadness. Nothing. She just... said she needed a rest. Gone. No conversation. Nothing.

He sighs heavily, covering his face with his hands.

Fell to knees. Cried like a child. Kryssa tried to comfort me, to no avail. I mean... I just... I dont know what to do. Hardly have the money to pay for the rest of the house. Need 550,000 Px to do that. Would have been easy earlier. Not now.

I... I do not wish to know what they did to Katta. I can't... She... Just yesterday, I told her things were going to be better. We were going to be financially stable, have a marvelous house, settle down, have a family, and we all would be safe. And, already, she has been kidnapped, I have lost all my savings, and it's too likely she's just... just been...

He finally breaks down into shuddering, heavy sobs.

What did I do to deserve this...?

-Feed cuts out-

 

((hey she was naked and stuff, and Ray is thinking worst case scenario is the only scenario right now))

 

Ray sits at a wooden Hylotl table in a traditional Hylotl setting. In front of him sits a small cup of fresh tea. Ray stares into the cup, watching the swirling vapor rise out of the cup. He looks dreadful, possibly bordering on insanity or delusion.

Good news. Friends willing to pay for the house. Vivian and Aerdem are sharing the cost. Good to have friends like them.

Bad news. Got a message this morning. Anonymous. Pictures of Katta. From the kidnapping I assume. Expected them. Expected nudity. Did not expect her to be posing. Yes. Posing. If it weren't for the prisonlike setting it would look like she were in a pornographic photoshoot. Why... why would she do that? I could tell it wasn't forced. I know her too well for that.

His voice begins to quaver.

I thought she'd changed... I thought she had sincerely become modest, as I had sincerely become more sociable. I did that for her. She neglected to do that for me. And... I've already proposed, the wedding is scheduled, everything is in place... no. Everything is falling apart. Gum was attacked. Not safe. Katta kidnapped. Katta proved not to have truly changed. Lost entirety of life's savings on her. She didn't even seem fazed when I told her I had lost everything. Tried to remain optimistic. At least we have each other, I said. Now, that isn't even true.

Modesty is imperative to me. A woman must be able to control herself as much as a man ought to. Lack of modesty can lead to marital strife, unfaithfulness, ultimate obliteration of relationship. Not feasible. I dont want to face facts, but I must. Katta is not prepared to be my wife. She may never be.

Talked to Vivian. Didnt help. She kept asking what I was going to do. I kept saying I dont know.How am I supposed to know what's right? Every time I try and do something right, the opposite happens. Hundreds of thousands die. My sister nearly dies and has extensive brain damage. Katta gets kidnapped. There is no right choice before me. All choices are wrong. I must choose which is less wrong. Im sorry for yelling at you Vivian. You tried to help...

What do I want to do? Nothing. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of the daily anguish, the oscillation between great joy and greater pain. I dont know what to do. Need sleep. Overtired. Been 54 hours since last woke up.

Wish me wisdom and discernment.

-Feed cuts out-

 

Ray sits in the center of an enormous, well lit white room. To his left and right are vast windows with the view of the cosmos behind them. It obviously is an HKC designed electronic keyboard, being sleek white and curvaceous in design. He appears to be well rested and, relative to the previous entries, at peace.

In the past few days, I have really been trying to figure out what to do about my relationship with Katta. I searched for answers in logic. Logic dictated I leave her. I searched for answers in ethics and morality. They said stay with her. It seemed I had to choose between two evils: either stay with Katta and endure the pain of her indecency, or leave her heartbroken. I could not find any decisive answer, and I was really ready to just leave Antares entirely, go back to the Fleet and just work there. Maybe find a modest biologist or some such scientist to marry there. So, I warped out of sector, and here I am in the Presentation Hall of the Fleet.

I had forgotten about music recently. When I found this thing lying in my old room, I decided that maybe some music would help. I remembered the one old human performing group named cold-play, and how I enjoyed their sound. So, I found their sheet music and lyrics on StarNet and began sightreading.

I ran through a few of their songs, and arrived at a song called "The Scientist". This caught my eye, as I assumed it would pertain to me as a man of science. I played through it, and, well... I connected with it more than I though I would have. You'll see in the following entries. After that, I kept playing through songs and found one titled "Fix You". It was an organ piece, and I connected with that one just as powerfully as I did with "The Scientist".

I realized a few things. One, that if I leave Katta based on pure logic, and not listen to my heart, for lack of a better word, I would regret it, much like the scientist. And, two, this is a time of great tribulation for both me and Katta. There will be highs and lows, as there are to be expected in any relationship, but in these times it is imperative that you comfort them, try to... Fix them.

So! Without further ado, "The Scientist", followed by "Fix You".

He takes a deep breath, flexing his fingers, and after a little shifting and throat-clearing, he begins to play and sing. He sings an octave lower than Coldplay did, as he has no upper range at all, but nonetheless one would feel the passion in his voice.

 

Ray sits on the end of a big blue bed in a large, empty, circular room with a glass dome. The infinite expanse of the cosmos is splayed out in all its majesty behind the thick glass. The timestamp shows 3:47 in the afternoon. He speaks clearly, with a slightly somber tone.

Well, as usual, there is plenty to talk about. I'll get the not-so-savory stuff out of the way first.

Firstly, I read on Starnet that somebody found Cloudfeather. Dead. Committed suicide. I don't believe it. It simply can't be true. I saw him just last night at the wedding. He looked just fine. I mean, we didn't talk all that much, but... he wouldn't do that. I refuse to believe it.

He sighs, shaking his head, then resumes with a slightly upset expression and tone.

More bad news. My parents showed up to the wedding. A few days before the wedding the Fleet warped into Antares to deliver my materials and so my parents could attend the wedding. Upon arriving, they were happy to hear I was getting married. At first. They started off by asking what degree the bride had. Not caring about the name, what she looked like, her personality. Her degree. I have to say I should have expected it. I forgot how logically founded my parents were. When I told them she had no degree, their faces immediately soured. They asked what she was like. "Beautiful, kind, musically talented and dedicated" are apparently not what my parents wanted to hear. They immediately berated me for making such a primitive decision, following my instincts and "the false notion of love" rather than logic and genetics. They asked why in the multiverse I would choose such a woman. If I had considered the fact that the children could be inferior. If I had considered the reputation I would lose, that my family name would lose. If I had gone insane. I had no response. I found myself unable to answer those questions. They would not recognize anything I said about love. There is no way to explain my reasoning other than love.

Then, at the wedding, my parents were, as expected, bitter and uptight around all the 'primitive fools' around them. My father had the audacity to read aloud a haiku expressing his disdain, and read it in front of the entire audience. After the wedding, he pulled me to the side to talk. He said he found out from a guest at the wedding that Katta was promiscuous, rented herself to others, and that there were even recent photos of her on Starnet in compromising poses. He called her disgusting. I said I didn't need his approval. He said I was certainly not going to get it. Additionally, he told Gillian that she at least had the mind to choose someone intelligent, although she had the nerve to choose bestiality. Gillian proceeded to cry and run to Aerdem's arms. To make matters worse, before he left Katta screamed at my father to engage in coitus with himself.

So, that wasnt fun. I do not believe I will be getting any wedding gifts from my parents. Maybe a thermonuclear bomb.

He shakes his head, shuts his eyes and sighs heavily. He opens his eyes, his expression and inflection with renewed joy and contentment.

Aside from that, however, everything is going marvelously. I am, obviously, married now. Katta is now Mrs. Beluga. We had a marvelous wedding, complete with beautiful dresses, Aubrey's outbursts, Yukari's nonsense, photos, gifts, food, dancing, and a /little/ bit of alcohol. Katta looked beautiful as ever, of course. So many showed up. I would hope most of them enjoyed it. I owe Aerdem big time for hosting. He had quite a job to do with that, and he executed it excellently.

He chuckles, smirking a bit, lost in thought.

After the wedding, I took Katta to the Endeavour, an exploration and observation ship outfitted with an advanced warp core. This is the observation deck. I took her here, showed her the view. Just me, her, the stars, and a single bed. The consummation was... unexpectedly, er... pleasant. Cathartic. I can almost see why one would purchase sexual relations. I am most glad I waited, however. Good things come to those who wait, and the events during and after the wedding were certainly good things.

Well, I had better get going. Much work to be done, finishing work on the house before the Fleet leaves. It's nearly done, and is definitely turning out as I had planned. Hopefully the rest of my life follows suit.

He offers a parting smile, a hint of concern behind his eyes as he shuts off the camera.

 

The following is a private message archived on his datapad.

Mr. Beluga,

I assume you still possess the meager amount of cognitive ability to infer that Dr. Megara and I are very disappointed in you. We cannot find any logical reasoning for choosing this promiscuous wench of a woman as a wife. We have raised you in an environment where even the most genetically poor child would flourish and prosper, and get even with your specifically selected genetic code designed to give you the unparalleled mental fortitude that your biological mother and I have, you have chosen this path into obsolescence. You were an investment, a risk we were willing to take to advance our species to new lengths and to raise our standing to new heights. You were designed to be a leader, a thinker, a doer.

Ever since you were given control of the HKC, I have only been disappointed in you. The following are a few specific examples of your failures since you were given control:
1) Failed diplomatic relations with the Second Holy Fleet of Avos
2) Failure to take action against the uncivilized Floran race
3) Extreme disorganization of leadership and poor choice in generals
4) Merely giving up on the HKC and leaving them to disintegrate
5) Responsibility for the near death and likely permanent brain damage to Dr. Gillian Megara
6) Working for the anti-Miniknog terrorist organization known as the Grey Hand
7) Murdering a fellow Hylotl (albeit an insignificant fool) in a public setting
8) Being employed by an inferior apex shipbuilder when you ought to have taken leadership yourself
9) Allowing Dr. Gillian Megara to fall victim to the avian scientist and descend into bestiality
10) Allowing yourself to fall victim to a promiscuous, unintelligent, unremarkable, genetically poor harlot of a woman

I dare go as far as to say I am more disappointed with you for choosing the promiscuous Hylotl than I am disappointed with Dr. Gillian Megara for choosing the avian researcher. In her case, she has undergone extensive psychological and neurological trauma. Our neuroscience board has accessed Dr. Gillian Megara's neurological scans and have concluded there is a significant physiological change in the structure of her prefrontal cortex. Furthermore, after being observed by a few of our infiltrated psychologists in he past few weeks, she has been diagnosed with insanity. There is reason to believe that in her delirious state, she feels an obligation to stay with Mr. Aerdem and pay back her debt. It is sickening to even think about a Hylotl and Avian partnership.

You however, have no psychological or neurological issues to blame. You are merely a blind fool, following the path taken by countless other imbeciles, a path devoid of logic and reason, a path to your inevitable demise and disappearance into obsolescence. I am ashamed to call you my son. Your decisions based on this idiotic idealistic notion of love and compassion will only pollute the family name as well as the Hylotl race. You had the potential to be a burning sun, yet you allowed this neutron star into your orbit, doing nothing to stop this parasite from sucking you away bit by bit until you both obliterate yourselves in a metaphorical hypernova.

I revoke your membership of the Hylotl Science Fleet. You no longer have access to our production facilities, information database or any other resources or services previously provided. I henceforth disown you as my son, and Gillian as my daughter. You both have failed us, and we have already learned much from your failure. We already are engineering a replacement for you, in addition to engineering a future spouse for this replacement.

Do not contact the Fleet again. If you attempt to interrupt our operation we will not hesitate to do anything necessary to stop you. Do not toy with us. We are not your friends, and you well know emotion is no obstacle to us.

I wish you, Gillian, and your respective mates early deaths.

Dr. Sixgill, Dr. Megara and all Fleet personnel