Ray sits in the lotus position in a traditional Hylotl meditation chamber, with water trickling and minimal lighting. I've been doing some inward searching. Looking for an imbalance, which has begun to have external effects. I... I do not believe I am qualified to lead this faction. Sure, I have assistants but I am the Fleet Admiral, supreme emperor, boss, whatever. I'm not trained for this. I'm trained to be an engineer, as well as a field commander. I know math and science, not the clever ways of the tongue or how to rally people to your cause. Even with meditation I find it difficult to control my emotions, and that can get carried through my voice over StarNet. I feel I should do something about it. Perhaps make this an oligarchy? Makes more sense, we are a 3 Division faction. Considering having Lenro take the reigns, so to speak. Seaguard is as trained as I am in diplomacy. Lenro knows what he is doing. He is by what I can tell wise and discerning. I believe I will be better used simply as a naval engineer and field commander, should the need for naval warfare arise. Yes, that would be best. An abrupt change, one that many may not like but must be done. I will inform Lenro of my offer. Maybe then I will find inner peace once again.
Ray stands in the same bridge where he was last time, except the Chironex-class construction drones are motionless. Well, good news and bad news. Lenro accepted my offer. I'm still Fleet Admiral, but he's the political leader. Much better at way. Bad news is, there's a bug in the programming of our Chironex. They all encountered an error and froze up. It's been like this for days. Not good. Sorry, this has to be short. Lots of work to do. Limited free time. Have to go yell at programming team.
Another video recording pops up, however it seems to be a first-person view from Ray's point of view. the screen shows a dense purple forest at sundown, with a tall tower with the characteristic coloring and architectural style awkwardly towering above the trees. There is a blue light that pulsates slowly beneath the trees at the base of the tower, each pulse emitting a soft, low thudding sound. ...it working yet? Ah, there we have it. This is my first time testing out this new heads-up display Lily made for me. It's amazing she's here in the HKC now. It's been too long since our university days. I must say, I really missed her. Perhaps... Never mind, I'm rambling. This tower which you see here is our newest creation: the Humboldt-class pulse drill. Can't explain how it works, it would take too long. Just see my Lab Notebook 37, page 236-360. It detects mineral deposits by emitting EM waves at certain frequencies and seeing what frequencies return. Obviously it can derive the distance, and even more obviously, we use three different nodes to triangulate. its more complicated than that, but again, see the lab notebook. If this one runs as planned, it should extract magnitudes more ore than a standard drilling team would, because it knows the location of the ores. Ray chuckles. You could say mining for ore is like finding a needle in a haystack, and while others pick up and examine each strand, we just use an electromagnet. Of course, others use this basic idea, but ours should be more accurate at locating the exact coordinates. With luck, we wont need to depend on the Hylotl Science Fleet for resources anymore! Things are going well. Hopefully things stay that way.
To make a long story short, the HKC is dead. All organizational structure has fallen to pieces, and now I'm working for some stupid civilian shipbuilding company. I miss my days designing the Minnow, the Marlin, my glorious shiny white masterpieces. I digress. Gillian nearly died in a pirate attack, but she was saved by Vivian, and later, Aerdem. I worry for her. She is acting strange. She normally isnt this socially inept. She seems to speak whatever is on her mind, as if she has no social filter. I mean, she talked a lot before, but... Hopefully its not anything long-term. I'm coming back to Antares. I might work for Vivian, I might work for Jusius of NC on the Security team, I dont know. I just miss that place. Theres always room for another engineer.
Ray sits at his good ol' shiny white desk in his little minnow-class fighter. He looks concerned, which is normal, but he also looks confused. Ray is rarely confused. While awaiting my response from my various potential employers, I began to do some more in-depth research on the circumstances of the attack on Gillian's Explorer-class research vessel. I found out from the ship's computer that there were a number of HKC fighters accompanying the vessel as escort during its entire service, from maiden voyage to destruction. Why they bugged out when danger approached is beyond me. The entire scenario is quite peculiar. His focus is taken away from the camera. He stares off into space, thinking, and speaking as fast as the thoughts come. Possibly they felt they were outgunned. Judging by the rather large perforations in the Explorer, their firepower was remarkable. To my knowledge, few use the magnetohydrodynamic weapon systems we deploy, as they are exorbitantly expensive and difficult to modify and work with without extensive knowledge. Perforations and shield shattering pattern data strongly suggest the projectiles were very high velocity magnetic rounds. Possibly a standard railgun, but impact suggests cant be standard slugs used by railgun manufacturers. Thus, magnetohydrodynamic weapons, only answer. Stolen tech? No, would have noticed. Anti-theft system impeccable, and weapons cannot be dismounted. It's as if... A moment of horrifying clarity appears on his face. He immediately springs up and runs offscreen. The sound of the jumpdrive charging is heard, and the feed automatically cuts off.
Ray sits at his desk again, however his usual tidiness is contrasted with a restless, disheveled look. Some of the papers on the desk are noticeably wet. Well, I'll try to be brief. So, yesterday, after I abruptly ended the log, I did more careful investigation of the...*ahem* event. I successfully got into the Hylotl Fleet database using my account, which they forgot to take down, the dumbasses. Since I had tier one security clearance I could see every message relayed. After I found the squadron of fighters escorting Gillian's vessel, I noticed a message to the squad captain. I dont want to... take the time to read it out loud, so just read the attached message. His voice begins to quaver and grow. I was... outraged. How could they just decide to kill a team of defenseless, innocent researchers just because they were against the racism of the Fleet? Who the hell does that? What peace loving race at the apex of civilization kills their own kind because they were open minded?! Ray pauses, trying to collect himself to no avail. He looks defeated, lost, hopeless. I'm the one who allowed this. I was the one who was too weak to govern the Flotilla and engineer the ships at the same time. I was the one who quit when the administration turned xenophobic. I was the one who started the HKC. I was the one who designed the ships. I designed the entire guns on those fighters, oversaw their construction, knew of their immense power. I killed 3 of my own kind. I permanently damaged the mind of my best friend. I now see the truth in the proverb "It takes more courage to live than to die." Oh, right. More good news. I snuck into Aerdem's facility and copied Gillian's cranial scan data onto my holopad and took it to a friend of mine who is a neurologist. While freezing in the tundra, she underwent permanent brain damage, as well as psychological damage from both the cold and the attack. Before, she could make friends with anyone. She was considerate, compassionate, outgoing, smart, funny, all the good things you would want in a friend. She has lost her rational thought. Not on the job, shes as sharp as ever when it comes to biomedical engineering and cybernetics. The problem is when she talks to people, she just... says whatever is on her mind. I've seen her talk to people, even our own kind. Its... hard to watch. People get offended by her transparency and she doesnt notice. She lost part of herself on that planet. I killed a part of her. His eyes are hazy, a single tear carving its way down his cheek. How can I live aboard the very ship which killed my friends? How can I live knowing my own people have become murderers, no different than the very tribal Floran cannibals we swore to change? How can I live knowing my mind led to the deaths of 3 of my own kin, and permanently scarred my best friend? These are excellent questions. Video feed cuts out, a text file awaits to be opened. Spoiler: Message to Captain Tideborn of Squadron A-43 Captain Tideborn, Hylotl Fleet Administration has decided that the vessel which you are escorting is a threat to the stability of our cause. The scientists on board are dangerous and are traitors to our people, as they do not consider the Florans the evil threat to peace they truly are. They are to be dispatched quickly, painlessly and as quickly as possible to ensure their deaths were not in agony. Your weapons firepower is significantly more powerful than the armor on the ship, therefore each shot is a guaranteed hull breach, and will likely penetrate through the other side. Exercise caution so that another one of your fighters is not hit by a stray round. Leave no trace of your presence and return to home base after mission completion. Your abilities are required on a Floran-occupied world that must be repurposed for our needs. Failure will not be tolerated. Remember our policy on loose ends. High Admiral Kaluga
Ray now sits in his ship with a more relaxed, contented expression. Quite a lot occurred yesterday... I cannot recount it all I'm afraid, but I will do my best. Instead of going to New Chicago first, I went to a self proclaimed 'fancy restaurant' which turned out to be quite a rusty and uncivilized place. Nearly everyone there really needed a psychologist. Then again, so do I but... these guys were quite batty. One paraded around shirtless, with a strange fabric mask and a grotesquely large body. More on him later. Another guy spoke in strange human metaphors I did not understand, but laughed with a disturbing 'heh' like sound frequently. Another was a strange glitch who did not speak, only scanned all of us. There was one decent guest, however. Her name was Katta Silverstream, a hylotl performer at New Chicago. I had heard of her abilities from Gillian and hoped to have a nice chat with her. Unfortunately we were interrupted by the large hairy chested man who decided to lay across the table and attempt to win the heart of Miss Silverstream by attempting to be 'manly' and squirting this strange golden viscous sticky fluid on himself. We moved to another table, but again we were interrupted by the hairy chested sticky man as he bit my ankle. After he was tazed by myself, we were again interrupted by the glitch who proceeded to stare at us intently as we spoke. Both Katta and I decided it was time to leave, and we went our separate ways. I hope we meet again under better conditions. The hairy sticky man was at New Chicago, and had to be tazed and taken offworld by Joshua and myself. I spoke with many people at the club/bar/whatever its called. I met a man named Samuel Rhode, who is another security officer. Unfortunately, I heard many of the security deserted, possibly to help with the RA. This is unfortunate. I hope Joshua did not leave. If he did I will be disappointed but knowing him he would have a good reason for doing so. Joshua wouldnt do such a thing if he didnt have a good reason. Samuel Rhode and I seem to be nearly the only ones left. I hope there are others... otherwise we have a lot in store for us. Later I met a woman named Miss Talise Vera. She seemed a remarkable young woman, and my impression of her only grew as we spoke. She is a woman of strong moral wisdom, which comes with the hardships she has gone through. She has lost many friends, keeps a tally in her hat and remembers every one. I am surprised, her problems are far greater than mine and I find life very difficult. Her pain must be terribly great. We spoke for some time, and at the end she offered me a homemade alcoholic drink, and gave me the bottle after we shared a toast. A family tradition of hers, which survives to this day solely in her. If only I were old enough to remember my family's traditions. Speaking of family, I have learned that in solace one's mind tends to degrade, and in good company it is enhanced. I have been in solace for some time, working on assorted projects and such, which I hope to market or put to good use. The only company I had was my AI friend, and he isnt even conscious. This hasnt been healthy for my health and I have resolved to immerse myself in social behavior with those of high intelligence more often. Durasteel sharpens durasteel, as they say. While not on duty I shall attempt socialization. Hopefully I can learn a thing or two. *checks his watch* Thats about all the time I have right now... have to go do patrols. Plenty of time to think while patrolling.
Ray sits at his desk once again, a grave expression on his face. The HKC... They want me back. I got a message from the same HKC Captain who commanded the squad who attacked Gillian's ship. He admitted to it and apologized profusely for doing it. He then stated that the leadership was corrupt and looked out only for Hylotl dominance and not universal peace, which is why many of them joined in the first place. They staged a coup and the leadership who commanded the execution of various fleet members and firebombing of worlds were imprisoned. The Captain said they desperately wanted me back in charge, and complimented me on my leadership skills and can-do spirit, or something. With the Floran in this sector growing unstable I think it is time we try and deal with them appropriately. Some want mass slaughter. I say filtration is the best idea. A few ideas on this later. Right now what is important is whether I take this position. I just became security for New Chicago, I work with Vivian, I was thinking about the Armada and doing some engineering for them, and then this comes out of the deep. I cant say I dont miss the freedom of being in command at the HKC. Everything worked so fluidly. We could have done well, but... Well, that wave has crashed long ago. I should focus on the present. Perhaps I shall seek some advice. Oh well, for now I have to patrol again. Might be one of the last times I do.
Ray is in a workshop, doing something with the back-shoulder of his PISCES armor, which hangs by black, braided cords from the ceiling. I have decided to deny the HKC my aid, and told them to stay out of Antares. I dont want to lead people to their deaths, or lead them to commit murder to others. The Floran race is not at my disposal and I do not intend to try and force them to change. It will have to be voluntary. I've reached out to some corporations and organizations who may need an engineer. A trade union is interested in hiring me as head engineer, and I have sent Admiral Tarl of the RA an offer too assist in any design or reconstruction work. Maybe I'll finally have a full time paying job. I wont be able to upgrade this thing any more without loads more money. Never thought I would go poor. Hopefully wont. Considering vigilantism as a side job. Small scale of course. Respond to distress calls and the like. Allows freedom to choose morally. Also get to wear PISCES for live testing. Working on sniper rifle version of magnetohydrodynamic gun with Cole Ombre and his engineers. Should be a fascinating prototype. Havent been out much. Confined myself to my ship to think, consult old hylotl friends. Should get out more. Dont want to be crazy hermit engineer frog.
Ray looks exhausted. He is reclining in his desk chair and rubbing his forehead with a hand-flipper-fin thing. Dear Ancestors, I really need to learn how to talk to women. This time I do mean 'talk to women' in the colloquial sense. I can speak with females with no problem when we are collaborating on a project, or when we are having standard conversation, but... When it comes to this, "flirting", or whatever it's called, I am as proficient as a clam is proficient at performing multivariate calculus. I believe this is the first time I have ever been spoken too in this manner, unless I entirely misunderstood social cues and implications for my entire life. I encountered Miss Silverstream on the way out of New Chicago. We hadnt spoken since that unfortunate incident at that... restaurant, and neither of us were busy, so we decided to have a little chat in the club. We were, once again, interrupted numerous times, and it was rather obnoxious, but this seems to be mainstream with our conversations. I first noticed a possible social cue when she said she was shocked to hear that I had never dated before. She said that... She said I was a 'nice guy'. I logically deduced the meaning of this statement by considering the events which transpired during our history of interaction. I could not be considered a 'nice guy' by action, rather likely the opposite because of my tasering of the honey man. I deduced that that phrase must mean some appreciation of personality or manner. Now, I considered my personality as rather harsh and to the point, rather than kind and loving and all that silliness, so she must mean my politeness. I then realized that this was unlikely because one would not simply wish to date someone for politeness. Finally, I realized that by first expressing shock in my lack of dating experience and then commenting me on my 'niceness' she must imply that I would be an acceptable candidate for dating. All this happened within a second, and I remember not very fondly the incoherent speech with which I responded to her compliment. After more conversation the likelihood of the aforementioned hypothesis increased. My knowledge on this field is indeed limited, however I believe I may be right on this one. I was by no means prepared for the scenario, and I intend on trying to train myself on ideal conversation and interaction methods with the opposite sex. Miss Silverstream is indeed a very intriguing woman, and I have to say I consider her attractive... He stops, shaking his head and rubbing his brow. God, I need some sleep. That conversation was exhausting. ((TL;DR: Fish is socially awkward scientist and likes girl, so overthinks everything))
Ray reclines in his office chair contemplatively drumming his fingers against the armrests. He seems generally content, retaining his usual placid face. So, I got a job. I visited the New Chicago bar to practice my socialization skills once again. Miss Silverstream was there, which took me quite by surprise, but thankfully for my amygdala, she had to leave shortly after my arrival. She was speaking with a friend. We chatted. She was outgoing and, most notably, boring. Her brother arrived. He was even more boring. I wonder what its like inside their funny little brains sometimes. Hm. He thinks for a moment. It must be so boring... Well, they left after what felt like an eternity of ceaseless and basic conversation about clothing. I found it difficult to retain my composure of politeness, and I feared I was going to lose my sanity. Regardless, they left, and I was happy. During the cacophonous conversation made by the two drab humans, I noticed High Legislatore Hollow ascending the stairs. I made a mental note to speak with him once the persistently pestilent siblings left. We had a fairly decent conversation, and to sum it up, I am an engineer again. Not exactly sure what I will be doing, but given the Armada seems to be demilitarizing substantially, I will likely be doing civilian work again. It has been some time since I designed a building, or set up a minifacturing plant. It's not the best, but its better than walking around the streets of New Chicago in a silly human military outfit with a taser and rod. I guess I'll take what I am given at this point. I think I will enjoy working in the RA. Many old friends of mine seem to work with them, Joshua in particular. It will be good to work alongside him once again.
((you may be thinking 'good god, you retard, this is long as hell' ad you would be correct. I'm sure if you find the time to read it, you will be entertained. If not, feel free to skip around)) Ray sits at the flight control console of his ship. He reclines in it, and stares out the window with a relaxed, contented expression, watching the stars fly by at superluminal speeds.The hum of the warp drive drones in the background. While I'm in transit, I figured I may as well make this entry about recent events. I have some exciting news! Well, exciting for my past self, that is. Obviously you, my future self, are not surprised about this because it already happened, but... Well, I guess if you're some thief or hacker, or you killed me, or you're some investigator reading this... Or if I'm dead and you're some stranger or a friend of mine reading this because you found it laying around or... *ahem* Ray shuts his eyes and shakes his head, mumbling something like "God dammit shut up Ray". He then opens his eyes and looks at the camera with a great smile expressing an eclectic mix of excitement, mischievousness, and fascination. I have a girlfriend. Now I know what you're thinking. Well, I don't /actually/ know what you're thinking, but if I were in your shoes... *ahem* Okay. I'm going to assume you know nothing about me besides the contents of this journal. This is why this is great news. I have never, and I truly mean never, had any 'feelings' for a girl besides those of standard friendship and camaraderie. I've known Gillian for my entire life, and I never felt a milligram of attraction toward her. I've had girls at Wobbegong Polytechnic Institute try and initiate a relationship, but I found them quite unattractive, and became repulsive as they tried to force their way into my life with their short-term promises of sexual sensation and long-term promises of eternal love and partnership. My work was my priority, and they were getting in the way. I referred most of them to my friend Marlin, who was quite obsessed with women. He got what he wanted, and I got what I wanted. Only in the past month or so have I started to feel... strange. I first met Katta at that horrid restaurant, where I was as intrigued by her as I was by any other well-dressed sentient life-form. Nothing strange. When we met again at New Chicago, however, I began to feel... stressed, anxious, nervous, apprehensive. I had difficulty forming sentences more complex than "Hello". Thinking straight was as possible as moving at the speed of light without warping spacetime is. It was very uncomfortable, but... I didn't want to leave. I wanted to, but I also didn't. It is... difficult to explain. The next time we met at New Chicago, others noticed my strange behavior around her. They questioned me, which made the situation worse, but thank my ancestors they had a mild form of ADD and jumped subjects frequently. This led me to believe I was attracted to her, and I proceeded to purchase various forms of literature on correct social behavior around those you find attractive. I found them entirely useless and impossible to understand, and I immediately jettisoned them into a neutron star. The explosions were more fascinating than the contents of the books themselves. But, I digress. Unfortunately, and fortunately, I informed Gillian of my feelings. She immediately proceeded to meet Katta Silverstream and tell her ALL about my feelings for her. Gillian later informed me that Katta was at Taranis, and I immediately and foolishly decided to go and attempt to meet her. I don't know why. I wasn't planning on doing anything more than talking... well, I wasn't planning on doing anything. I just.... wanted to see her, I guess. Katta was immediately suspicious of me for spontaneously arriving at Taranis, coincidentally the same day Gillian went there. She was pleasant, and I was as usual, a stuttering fool. I think she enjoyed watching me writhe in agony. She informed me of Gillian's treachery, and I realized the proverbial gig was up. My mind told me, against any logical thought, that I was going to die, either by the hand of Miss Silverstream, or by spontaneous combustion. Katta, however, was very comforting and told me that she had similar feelings for me. I was quite taken aback and at first didn't believe her, but she was sincere. I didn't know what to do, besides be relieved that she wasn't going to kill me. I asked her what I was supposed to do then, as I never expected I would have gotten that far. She said that I needed to get comfortable around her, which is something that will certainly not be easy. But, nothing good comes without a little work, and I think this will be worth it. I realized I was late for the Reilzurraut Armada's 'moving party' and apologized profusely for having to leave so soon. She said it was quite alright, and told me to meet her again soon. She... kissed me. On the lips. Nothing involving the exchange of 2 liters of salivary liquid like those in those horrid holofilms. Short, concise, pleasant. I froze in a flurry of shock, confusion, horror, and excitement. She then left, patting me on the shoulder as if to say "You'll get used to it sometime, kid". At the time? I felt horrible. Now? I feel great! I've accomplished two things which I never thought possible in a single day: To get a girlfriend and to get a kiss. Perhaps there is hope for me yet? He chuckles to himself as he comes out of warp. Feed cuts out. ((TL;DR - Fish meets girl he likes, finds out she likes him, GETS A FREAKING GF. AND KISS. WTF MIND=BLOWN))
Ray sits at his desk, gravely. I'll make this short. Katta and I had a long conversation about our backgrounds. Her's is very mysterious sounding and she left out many things. She used many strange metaphors as well. I do believe, however, that I am correct in assuming "Lady of the Night" means she was a vigilante, especially since she noted that while she was this "Lady of the Night" she is happy to say that she had no health problems, likely due to the dangerous nature of vigilantism. Regardless, she lived the life of a rogue as a young woman, it seems. She hung around bad crowds, mischievous kids, that sort of stuff. I wont go into detail, but it was a little unnerving. I'm not sure if I would consider dating a woman who behaved in such a way. Then again, I did tell her about my story. I told her about the millions upon millions of dead Floran whose weight I carry on my shoulders. Surprisingly, she didnt really seem shocked in the slightest... perhaps she didnt take me seriously. In comparison, my poor choices far outweigh hers, and yet I have a lingering thought that SHE will be a bad influence. Hopefully I can rationalize that stupid obstruction away... My mind has been behaving very strange ever since Katta came into my life. Ray thinks for a moment, with a serious expression. He shakes his head, then grins somewhat mischievously. In positive news, I engaged in my first consensual kiss today. Katta initiated of course, but this was a new type, not the 'peck' that I received the other day. This one was for a duration of about seven seconds, involved a very constricting embrace, and included a bit of oral fluid exchange. Surprisingly, it... was not as disgusting as I would have thought. It was strangely satisfying, actually. I... kissed back. Voluntarily. God, what is happening to me?
Ray now sits at a desk in a laboratory, although this lab is stranger than those he is usually seen in. It is a cramped space, the walls made of grey stone bricks and the equipment looking antiquated. He sports his usual placid face, sitting up straight and looking professional. His white lab coat and cleanliness are in stark contrast to his environment. This morning, I awoke to see a worrying post publicly announced by High Legislatore Tarl on Starnet. He said the Armada is now accepting tribal Floran applicants, not seeming concerned about their only documented history being purely related to their savagery and violence. While I can see this is a tactical move, taking advantage of the Floran tact for combat, I would by no means be comfortable working alongside those who destroyed my homeworld. I do not have any emotional reason for this, rather the reasons I have are purely logical in nature. One would not work alongside the very ones who murdered innumerable amounts of people out of a carnal desire for blood and death. Thus, I filed my resignation later this morning. I met with Katta as planned at the Taranis tavern. I was not able to say much to her without being interrupted by an apex. This was the leader of the Grey Hand, whom I had contacted a few weeks ago about joining. I informed him that I would be joining effective immediately, as job offers do not just pop up out of the quantum vacuum virtual plasma. We all went to the location known as Nassau, essentially the 'home base' of the Grey Hand. I was introduced to this lab, which, while adequate for a dabbler in lab work, is not very well suited to an engineer. I will be making renovations in due time. I believe the nature of my work here will be an improvement. Here I can take advantage of my ability to design and employ weaponry, which they seem to lack besides small arms. Hopefully the pay is good, and the work better. I spoke with Katta after being acquainted with the location. First order of business is that she believes I need to relax. I found this rather confusing, as I consider myself very relaxed, but she said otherwise. She had a well-drawn sketch of me, which I thought represented myself very well. She is an excellent artist. Regardless, she believed the sketch of myself looking what I thought was excellent posture was too 'tense'. She then showed me another sketch of myself, but relaxed, apparently. I looked very slouched and unprofessional in my opinion, but by her account that was a much better look for me. I tried mimicking the pose. I was unsuccessful. We then moved on from the subject of my posture, and she asked if I really understood the stories she told. Apparently, I did not infer based on context correctly. I informed her that I was not entirely sure what kind of name 'Lady of the Night' was.It sounds like a cliche superhero. He looks concerned, worried, unsure. Apparently, it means prostitute. This was... alarming news. If I had known that at first, I likely would not have pursued this relationship in the first place. I know I have made mistakes as well, but... I do not think highly of those who treat sex and intimacy as cheap, temporary entertainment. I have always believed that the correct way to go about an amorous relationship is to begin by getting to know the person, to understand them, to evaluate your suitability as partners, to formally and publicly get married, and then sexual intimacy is permissible. Many merely meet someone and skip to the very end of the proverbial road in a scene sometimes involving loud music, tight and/or transparent clothing, intoxication, substance abuse, various fluids, and hormones, or some amalgamation thereof. This cheapens the value of romance by magnitudes. One who had lived such a life would likely find him or herself comparing past experiences with present ones, potentially leading to dissatisfaction and an unhealthy and unstable relationship. One who is in a relationship with someone who had lived that life would likely feel uneasy, betrayed, or unimportant. One would think they were just another tally, another marking on the side of a bomber. I know this because it is what I found myself wondering. I feel uneasy about this... Er, moving on... Katta told me another thing. Apparently, during my university years, when females asked for help in their scientific studies and invited me to their rooms, they did not actually mean 'studies'. I had thought that they wanted to use me for my intellectual capability, but apparently it was not just my mind they wanted. This is also worrying. The amount of females who had invited me over was high. I thought it was by mere coincidence they only had free time to do so late at night. I am glad I denied their requests, that would have been most uncomfortable... He shudders. Some males invited me over too... ugh... The hour was late, and Katta said she needed some sleep. We kissed again, as usual, but she still initiated. I believe it would be fitting for me to initiate the next instance where kissing is socially required. In parting, she said that... maybe next time, she can show me what I missed out on in college... He shakes his head slowly. I'm anxious for our next meeting, to say the least. It is far too early, and I have no intention of becoming another tally indistinct from the others. I have to make this relationship count. We both do. Well, wish me luck. Hopefully I will still be a virgin by the time the next entry is recorded. ((TL;DR - Quit RA, Join Grey Hand, worried about gf's sex history, learns some things about college, doesnt want sex after knowing her for only like 5 days))
Ray sits in his laboratory, still full of old crap that really needs to be replaced. He looks content with himself. Well, good news. I'm still a virgin. I spoke with Katta at Taranis again. It was not long until she brought up what she said last night about... well, yeah. Feeling rather uncomfortable given the public setting, I told her I would like to speak with her on the topic in private. We spoke at Nassau, which luckily was entirely empty. Upon hearing that I wanted to take a careful, analytic approach, she expressed great skepticism, but nonetheless I went on. I told her about my theory on relationships, that to achieve an ideal and long-lasting end result the relationship must progress forward at a steady, patient rate, both socially and physically. This keeps the metaphorical fuel from being exhausted. The social progression would be simple: get to know each other, understand each other, evaluate your compatibility, then seal the relationship by public ceremony of marriage. The physical progression would be similar, beginning with the hug, moving toward the kiss, possibly some other things of which I am not aware, and being sealed by intimacy. It is my understanding that there are a large amount of people who do not follow this method. It is likely that the reason relationships fail is because of either of two things; the couple is not compatible, or the couple rushes through the progression. She seemed somewhat disappointed, but thankfully agreed with me. She said that she had never met a guy like me. I'm not sure what she meant by that... Perhaps it was my rejection of sex, or my austerity, or my methodical thought process. Regardless, I hope that is a good thing. I could say the same for her; that I have never met a woman like her. Never have I felt attraction to a woman, nor have I ever even thought of dating a former prostitute. Honestly, I dont know why I'm staying with her, but... I want to. I dont know why I want to. All that my step-parents have taught me about women is screaming in my head; find a modest girl, make sure she is of high intelligence, don't act on your emotions, act on logic, ensure she has quality genetics... But something is fighting it, and winning. I dont know whether to be concerned or not, but I feel like... I dont know. He chortles to himself. I dont like not knowing.
Ray sits at his desk, eerily expressionless. He speaks strangely monotonously, with lack of any inflection whatsoever. The other night, I had a dream. I am nearly certain it was a resurgent memory. It was far too vivid, and my presence was far too real for it to be a dream. I was 4. I was home. Home in the little wooden colony home to about 100 Hylotl. I was having a wooden swordfight with my older brother. I was happy. Smiling. An alarm sounded. I ran to the central square instinctively, where our shelter stood. The adults slammed the doors before everyone made it. I thought that it was a weird game. I smiled. I liked games. My parents looked nervous, and told me to hide in a wicker bin. I smiled again. I liked hiding. Hide and seek was my favorite. I crouched inside the lid like an expert hider, waiting to be found. I heard screams. Weird screams, and a hissing sound. My brother and dad took out their real metal swords. They stood with some other older guys with swords facing the door. My pregnant mother stood behind them with other girls. The door burst open. A bunch of strange creatures with eerie smiles on their face stood there with swords of their own. They said "Hello, friendssssssssss...". I smiled, I liked friends. Maybe they were playing hide and seek too. They started fighting with our guys. Our guys got torn apart, in the most literal sense of the word. I stopped smiling, and just watched. My father and brother were eaten. My mother was killed quickly afterward. I noticed one Floran stab a thorny blade into my mother, and pulled out my third trimester baby sister on it. He swallowed her. I watched. Expressionless. A humming sound. The Floran stopped eating, and curiously exited the building. A sound like that of rolling thunder boomed outside, accompanied by a bright orange light. Silence. The sound of heavy footsteps. Voices. Hylotl voices. Hylotl with shiny white armor and weird tools walked in. One wore a lab coat. I recognized it as an identical model to my own. He had blue skin, with a large fin down the center of his head. He shook his head, saying "Okay, look for survivors" with a tone of pessimism. I watched them look around. One opened my wicker bin and shouted with surprise "Hey, we got a live one here!" Her friends rushed over to see me. I looked at them expressionless. They picked me up, carried me over to a large shiny spaceship, and sat me in a seat too big for me. They asked questions. "What happened?" "Are you okay?" How are you feeling?" I said I felt sad. But I didn't. I didn't feel anything. I knew I should have been sad. I knew I should have been angry. I knew I should have been horrified. But I wasn't. I could not find any emotion left in me. I decided never to become attached to anyone. Ever. Everyone I loved was dead, and I deduced that I must have caused it. Before today, I was very curious to know what happened before I was six. My memories of then were disabled by order of the Fleet Commander. Everyone said it wasn't really important, and that it was best that I not know. They were right. I desperately wanted the Floran and Hylotl to collaborate. I wanted us to work together to settle our differences. I felt sorry for them. Now, I don't know what I want. I feel nothing for the Floran. I feel nothing for the Hylotl. I feel... nothing really. My emotions seem to be gone. Katta will not be pleased to hear of this. Katta deserves a man who can satisfy her emotionally. I seem to be incapable of doing so. Maybe she will stay, try to help. Maybe she will give up. I should want her to stay. I want to want her to stay. But I don't. Ray reaches to the left of the camera, and the feed cuts out.
A text file follows... I knew this would happen. I knew it. I am in a hospital. Katta and Algae are here. Katta is badly wounded. Plasma burns. Bullet wounds. Dont really care about Algae. He is Hylotl but I was not attached to him. My dream must have been predictive. I should never have developed emotional attachment for Katta. It seems to only result in extreme injury, death, and/or emotional pain. I am feeling emotion, which is good. It is only shame, helplessness and sadness, which is bad. I do not think I should continue this relationship with Katta, if she survives. I am cursed. I cannot hurt others just to satisfy my desire for companionship. Its... It's for the best for her, I think.
Ray sits in the Taranis hospital room, nearly empty save for him and Katta. Katta lay sleeping in a bed. He speaks monotonously as usual. So, I spoke with Katta. After seeing her and hearing her speak, I somehow recovered some feeling of compassion for her, which is good. I still dont feel exactly as I used to for her, however, and I still feel nearly nothing for others, which is bad. Katta says she will stay with me, and we will get through this together. I am hoping we find a way to restore myself to normal. I will honestly do anything to revert to my normal state. I contacted Aerdem, who seems to know a bit about hylotl neurology. Hopefully he can help. I dont want to be a social pariah any longer. I am tired of having people give me sour looks for my inability to converse correctly.
Ray sits at the same desk in the same dusty laboratory. There is some new equipment present, holographic screens can be seen in the background, forming a semicircle around a pad on the floor, where Ray does his design work. Upon close inspection, one would see designs for a sort of large house, hylotl design. He smiles pleasantly, seeming contented. Well, I think the best way to start this is to begin when things become noteworthy. So, here goes... I remember going to Kryssa's ship with her, laying on some strange bench, falling asleep, then waking up a while later. My memory of the events previous s somewhat hazy. Kryssa did not tell me why I was there, but as the day progressed from there I was able to hypothesize why. For one, I was instructed not to look at earlier journal entries. Another thing, people commented on my behavior, saying things like "So, I see it worked" and "Good to see you're back to normal". I can deduce that I underwent some neurological procedure, likely for memory modification. I have to say, I dont like not knowing things, but I seem to have done it voluntarily, and with the approval of Kryssa and, most importantly, Katta. I know I would only undergo such a procedure if it were entirely necessary or worth it, and I trust Katta, so I will do my best to lay my curiosity to rest. I feel somewhat strange, like I have changed, improved. I find myself to be more accepting, understanding and sympathetic of others, which I believe is good. Additionally, I feel significantly... stronger about Katta. Perhaps it is best I not know what memories were removed or what was done, if it made me into a better, more accepting person. I guess ignorance can be bliss. Katta seemed to be very pleased that I was back and the procedure was successful. We spoke for hours, and I feel like our relationship is really coming together. I have been considering our compatibility as partners, and overall it is looking good. The only concern I still have is her past of sexual activity. It... It is painful to hear about it, to be reminded, to know more. I prefer ignorance there. I hope she has sincerely and ultimately turned away from that lifestyle. It would be heartbreaking to learn otherwise. I am sure others have been in the same situation as I. Perhaps there is literature out there that can help me deal with this, be reassured, give me guidance. I want us to work together seamlessly, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to remove any obstacles. I think my time to settle down is drawing near. It would not be good for me to participate in any sort of combat that would otherwise be unnecessary. I dont want to put Katta through the pain of watching me die, and I wouldnt want to go through the same pain. I've begin designing a house with the ability to house a family. I am not sure if Katta and I will end up marrying, or if so we would have children, but... I would like that. I may as well hope for the best, and prepare accordingly. He smiles, seemingly dreaming of his future. He snaps out, chuckling to himself and shaking his head, and shutting off the camera.
