Day Twenty-One I took off my suit in front of someone today. We awoke early this morning to the sound of atmospheric entry and sirens. A ship segment was falling into the ocean. Baileaf, naturally, her stealthy entrance. Apparently, she designed the segment of her ship so it could operate underwater. Quite the feat of engineering I would think. I was impressed, particularly with her docking. That was rather uneventful, however. Afterward, with Baileaf settling in with Avi the AI, I went to check on Feathertail. We chatted for a bit, I made sure she was okay after the crash. She told me again that I didnt have to wear my suit around her. Clearly she was eager to see me suitless. I was not eager in the slightest. My body is less than becoming beneath the suit, and my dorsal fins are less than conventional. Feathertail seemed to love them, however. And my corpulent body, apparently Feathertail thought it was attractive. I didnt see how, but then she... she just hugged me. Like, without a suit. A few layers of fabric all that was between our skin. It was wonderful. Feathers are the most wonderful-feeling things in the universe. I got lost in her feathers. Ran my fingers through her plumage. So wonderfully soft. She kissed my neck with her sharp beak. It hurt a bit, but I loved the pain. I can't explain why, but the sharp edges of her beak against my neck was... otherworldly. She was so curvaceous, so soft, so perfectly formed... Her neck was so soft, so perfect to burrow into, so wonderful to kiss, so delightful to breathe in. This is what I had been missing. The touch of her feathers, the smell of berries in her plumage, the taste of her mouth even... it was more than I could handle. We fell asleep together. I told her I loved her, and I meant it. No one could ask for a better, kinder, more caring spouse. Things seem to finally be coming together for me...
Day Twenty-Two It's amazing what a bit of oxytocin can do to someone. It can make them feel like they are on top of the world, and cause even the brightest among us to make the most irrational decisions. Chemical love. It had eluded me for years, leaving me to bathe in the wonders of being mentally and emotionally independent, allowing me to come as far as I have in the field of biochemistry and genetic engineering. At long last, however, it caught up with me, and my endocrine system has been relentlessly dumping these love chemicals into me. Perhaps it is due to my sudden immersion into the social dynamic. Regardless of cause, these mere molecules have caused me to make rash, unwise decisions in the proverbial "heat of the moment". I immensely regret the decision to become romantic to the point of sleeping together with this avian... stranger. Thank the sea I had the reason to keep my jumpsuit on all night. Feather is an enigma, and now that I step back and analyze objectively, I don't like it. This pink-feathered, fluffy, mysterious, caring demigod. At least, that's what the Dissapearing Man called her. Some sort of fallen god, who stepped down from their position to save us. I suppose it explains a lot: her seemingly magical crystalline devices, her almost "divine" physical form, her strange wings upon her back, her recurring nightmares and dreams, and this strange alien creature who appeared, gave an expository speech, and left. It sounds like the beginnings of a cult, almost. I don't like this. Feathertail is too strange. If she is indeed a former god, which is preposterous in and of itself, I want nothing to do with such a being. For all I know, another jealous god is going to swoop in and kill me for touching her. On the other hand, if she isnt a god, then there is a guy with invisibility capability who was able to sneak into my room, is in cohorts with Feathertail on this great decieving. Also that would imply Feathertai comes from some civilization where the technology is ridiculously more advanced than our own and for some reason sent her here with some smatterings of memory. In that case, I want nothing to do with her as well. I don't appreciate being played for a fool, and these strange crystal based technologies scare me. What if they got into the wrong person's hands? Thus, it would be most logical for me to cease this relationship and pursue a more effective way to inhibit my production of oxytocin than this medication I found in my supplies. It's a bit strong, I find myself being /too/ coldhearted sometimes. I don't want to be like Ray was.
Day Twenty-Four I've been alone in my house for a few days. Haven't seen anyone in as long. I mostly stay in my room and try to sleep. I'm so tired. Every time I shut my eyes... her sharp toothed grin, her taunting voice, her crushing grip, the hissing... It wont go away. I can't focus on anything. All I can do is exist. It's awful. I don't know if I can go on like this. Day Twenty-Six I finally decided to do something productive and check my StarMail the other day. There was a message from Starton. He was worried about me. I smiled for the first time in days, he still wants to finish that date that ended so abruptly. It helped, even just seeing another person's words, knowing they were for me. I slept for 13 hours. Hopefully this is the road to recovery. I think I'll read through Aunt Gillian's book she gave me. Brushing up on modern genetics might do me some good.
Day Twenty-Five Today was an amazing day. Someone called me pretty, and this time it wasn't a floran trying to take advantage of me! Shian, a hylotl male (I think?) who is new to the sector, beamed down at my front door today, rather unexpectedly. He's incredibly interesting, at least, I think so. We have so much in common! We're both xenobiologists, we both love learning, and it seems like we're both really shy too. Which, is actually really helpful. He got all flustered before I got the opportunity to, and it was really fun, being able to make someone else feel embarrassed. He looks a little off, though. He has the body of a female, but the face of a male. His voice is somewhere in between, but if I had to guess it was a guy's. When I called him a guy, he smiled, so I think I was right! I'm almost sure he likes me. He keeps blushing and stumbling on his words... It's kinda cute. I have to say, I kinda like him too. He's really nice, passionate about knowledge and science, and he reminds me of some of the best people in my life. Aerdem, Gillian, Ray... But, more on that later. I don't know him nearly well enough to judge him correctly. All I know is there's something there. Oh, he joined our team, too! I'm having him read up on lab safety, and he's gonna have to study genetics quite a bit, but I can lend him a fin. I mean, he is gonna fix my armor. Finally, I'll be able to go out without people looking at me funny! The lab's done, too. We just need to get the equipment up and running and take care of a few things, and we'll be able to get to work! I want to see if I can get my fins on a tissue sample from one of those creatures. Sure they're creepy, but they're a scientific curiosity just as much as anything else new is! I must have one. Things are looking up! And I think they'll stay that way for once!
Day Twenty-Seven The lab opens tomorrow, and I'm an emotional wreck. I saw my brother at Katune. I was overjoyed to see him, until he told me he was looking for some "pot", which I believe is the euphemism for cannabinoids. Our parents always said not to utilize any sort of psychooactive drugs, they tend to be addictive and a general waste of money and time. And now brother is looking for them. I was hoping he would improve. At least become a musician or something respectful. Now I guess he's a security guard for "New Gum". I met an arrogant apex who thought he knew more about xenobiology than me. He was so bold as to state that I didn't even know what xenobiology was. Then he tried to apologize and make nice with me. Yeah, right. Just because you knew my father doesn't mean you aren't some arrogant jerk I dont want to be around. Especially if you're some floran-loving idiot. How do these idiots not see how floran are naturally... evil? Even when they try to be nice, it's a trap. They take advantage of your friendship and take advantage of you. Not only that, they robbed our homeworld from us. What did we do to them? Taste good? I left Katune then. My brother wouldn't even stick up for me. Perhaps he's a floran-loving idiot just like mother and the apex. I can't believe it. Betrayed by my own brother. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being irrational. If I'm going too far. But I have seen floran savagery, how they treat others, how they treat their own kin... how they treat themselves, even. And to think there's a movement to get them more involved in galactic affairs. No one understands. No one understands.
Day Twenty-Nine Things are all better now! That apex, Luke, seems to be a legitimate guy, and actually joined our team at the lab. My brother and I made up, as far as I can tell, and the lab opening went really well. Everything's running smoothly. The other day, I went on a little escapade with Starton. We had a little picnic on some garden world nearly covered in ocean, and it was wonderful. I mean, I didnt get to eat anything but the view was nice, and we made some very nice conversation. There is, however, a problem. I like both Shian and Starton, and they both seem to like me back. As in, a romantic interest. I don't want to turn either of them down, but I also dont want to wait till later to do it, or worse, they realize that the other is interested in me as well. Have to think quickly here. Yikes, I didn't think I'd ever have a problem like this. Maybe the population of hylotl females out here is thin. Have to go train Shian in the use of our lab equipment. Wish me luck!
Day Thirty I have a boyfriend now! Shian was so adorably shy when I went to meet him. It was so obvious he liked me, all those clues from those books I read as a young amphibian were plain as day. That actually made me like him more, I think, knowing he liked me so much. After some education and flirting, I asked him out. I figured he was too shy to do it himself, so I took charge, and he said yes! I finished teaching him to use the quantum microscope, and we weren't busy that night, so I gave him the grand tour of my house. We spent some time together, and he left happy as a clam. That's pretty much it!
Day Thirty Three I got sick. I started aching in my lower abdominal region yesterday, and that afternoon I started to have fits of coughing. Luckily the bloodbots noticed a pathogen and notified me and my father. By the time I was in the stasis chamber I was coughing up blood. It must have been from my interaction with Shian. It's possible the plastic suit had some stronger, more resistant pathogens on them. I should have been more careful. I should have known better than to risk something like that. I'm writing this with my mind now. It's rather difficult. You have to think of each word really hard for it to translate into text. Its quiet, weird, all alone with my thoughts. I'm used to being unable to smell, feel and taste, but to be unable to hear and see as well? It is eerie. Dad's trying to get the audioneural feedback system working, so I can hear people. It can send me images, but only really rudimentary ones. Nothing high quality or anything. I hope people aren't freaking out about me. I hope Shian is okay. I hope father is merciful. I hope I will live.
Day Thirty-Four The infection is as we feared, dad says. I have two infections apparently, one attacking my reproductive system and the other my throat, mostly my trachea but it spread to surrounding regions quickly. It's being fought off by the nanodrones, but there's some bad news. The damage might be really severe, and dad says worst case scenario is that I become infertile, lose my voice and require cybernetics for respiration. Thankfully, death is not an option thanks to the stasis chamber, but it's not much worse than what could happen. This can't be happening. We didn't even touch skin, he kept his suit on the entire time, always a damned sheet of plastic keeping us apart. I don't even know how I got infected. The suit was radiation treated the day before. I may not be able to sing, speak, bear children, consummate my marriage when the time comes - Even if I do "install" an immune system in myself, what will I have left?
Day Thirty-Six I was 'released' today, but I feel more incarcerated than I ever have. The infections were purged, but there's 'permanent' damage done to my larynx, and my reproductive system is all messed up too. The gynecologist said that irregular bleeding is to be expected, and that I won't be able to ovulate unless I get surgery. The AISI only covers necessary medical procedures, and apparently my voice is not necessary. They're only funding what will get them something in return. We're supposed to be doing research on live genetic modification of adult organisms, but the reason behind it for me is healing myself of this ailment. Starton thinks he found a way to treat me with bone marrow transplants, and that wouldn't help the AISI much, if at all. They threatened to stop funding us and take away our laboratory if we choose to deviate from our path, but this virus could take years to engineer. I don't want to be selfish. I hate being selfish. This should be about helping other people, but sometimes I want so desperately to taste lemonade, to feel a breeze on my skin, to feel another's touch, to smell the sea, to hear another's undistorted voice. And now, I cant even talk, and it hurts just to breathe. My lower abdomen aches frequently. I dont know what to do. I dont have a source of income, the AISI provides enough for basic needs. I can't leave the AISI, there's nowhere here to go, and I cant abandon my friends. I don't have nearly enough resources to open my own laboratory independent of the AISI. Why can't things ever be easy? Why can't things work out for me? I try so hard to help others, and our doctrines say that will earn us help in return. I have friends trying to help, but it seems like we're swimming in circles, getting nowhere. Maybe I should give up. Realize that I'm stuck in here forever. Realize that I'll never get to feel the touch of my beloved, to give birth to my children, to feel the ocean, smell the ocean, taste the ocean, hear the ocean. All I can do is see. Peer out my glass cage into the wonderful universe and savor the 20% of it that I can experience. Maybe it's best that I do this, best that I humble myself and be content with what Life has given me. I'm so lucky to have such great friends, great relatives, gifts and talents, a sturdy job... I need to relax and think about this. Maybe read a few books. I need to read that one my father lent me, what was it called? Something about taming the mind and soul or something. It was something he read when he was about my age, apparently it helped him realize his purpose. Maybe I'll give it a shot.
Day Thirty-Nine Being mute is difficult. It hurts to breathe, and I can't vocalize at all without sounding awful and feeling like I've swallowed a shattered wine glass. Dad contacted the AISI and appealed for me to get free medical attention rather than having to pay for it out of pocket. He says he thinks they'll concede, but he also had some bad news. The AISI was not content with the fact that we spent the past week analyzing my genetic structure. It was 'an unnecessary waste of tangible and intangible resources', and we should have focused on engineering the virus. Thankfully, the gene is fully sequenced, I just need to pinpoint what plasmids we need to swap out, and then we get to do the fun part of engineering the virus. The AISI says that if we don't get on with the actual project, they're cutting our 'funding'. What little funding we get that is. Hopefully we can get some regional support. I'm sure there are plenty of people who are interested in genetically engineering themselves. I hope it's a fruitful effort. Also, some human named Solour offered me a product that will act as my immune system. He's paying for it out of pocket, I guess. I have not heard of a human who was so gracious. Perhaps I misjudged their species. There is potential in every race to achieve what we used to have - perfect peace. There is hope for the galaxy. In the meantime, I should get to work. Regardless of whether his device works, we need to do this project.
Day Forty The appeal went through. They're operating today, fixing both my reproductive system and my larynx. Will have to stay in my house for a little while, let the new 3-d printed organs settle in, get used to using them. Plenty of time to work on the virus. Not enough to make significant process, need everyone together for that. Hoping the transplants go well. Hoping to get the procedure over with soon, too.
Day Forty-Three Far too many things happened today. To start off, my voice returned a few days ago, and today was my first day out and about! Naturally, I went to Katune, one of my favorite ocean worlds to visit, and met with some friends. Nibbles, a floran I met a little while back, was there. He still scares me, but I believe he is a relatively weak and incapable floran. Certainly weaker than Her. He's a floran outcast, I guess, poor guy. He's really rather sweet, though. He gave me a sunflower today, because he wanted a friend and thought giving someone a sunflower would help that. Yikes, I'm friends with a floran again. How do I keep doing this? I'll be especially sure to hold him at arms length and then some. I spoke briefly with Seafin as well. He's your standard hylotl - noble, kind, thinking of others - but he seems to not mind florans in the slightest. Rather strange, I thought. Doesn't he know who they are, what they do? Anyway, I don't know what to think about him. He's handsome, sure, but a lot of people are handsome nowadays. I'll have to wait and see, evaluate his character and compatibility before I do anything else. Just like father said. Speaking of which, I installed a modification my father made for my suit to regulate my endocrine system, keep things from getting out of control like they did a week or two ago. It's been working splendidly. I don't feel any tugs anymore, and it really helps when I'm trying to have a decent conversation or focus on research. A strange thing happened this evening at Katune. There was some strange electrical storm, it messed with my suit and my holopad, and I was escorted to the infirmary, although nothing was wrong with me aside my servos twitching and heads up display flickering. At one point, though, my armor completely locked up, and then fell limp. I was grateful that I was in the infirmary with Glauen and Doc Ripper, who helped me back to my bed. It was very strange, I don't know how it could have happened. Apparently it was sector-wide. The lab is intact, although my communications tower on my house was fried. Father said he'd spend the next few days fixing it, depending on the extent of the damage. Overall, though, everything's fine. Project is going as planned, no bumps in the road yet. Designing the modifications to the virus, we're using a standard cold virus for simplicity and the relatively low risk. Things are going to keep getting better, I'm sure of it!
Day Forty-Four Another day full of new friends and excitement! I met an avian woman named Alo, whom I had noticed around Glauen often, and never got the chance to meet her. She was Glauen's "nestmate", a term which is ambiguous to me. I believe it means "sibling". Anyway, she was very friendly, and I learned she was a tailor. Once I get out of this dreadful suit I will have to purchase something from her, her clothing looks so elegant. She dreams of uniting the Flightless here in Antares, if I remember correctly, and from what I can tell, she is having a rough time of it. I fear my words of encouragement and suggestions may have fallen on deaf ears. I also met a novakid on Katune, after Alo had left. He was new to the sector, and his name was Rio - something. Thankfully, he asked me to call him Rio. To be honest, he isn't all too interesting. He's a transporter, so he flies cargo shipments from place to place. He's apparently a gunsmith on the side as well. I didn't have much to say, and he didn't either. The conversation felt very one-sided, with me asking all the questions. I showed him a catalog of some of my father's weaponry, but other than that, nothing much. Then, something wonderful happened! Yukari announced the opening of New Gum, and I got to visit! It's gorgeous there, and Yukari is, as always, very excitable and enigmatic. I wonder where she got the resources to build such a thing, and how she plans to maintain it. It must have taken billions of credits to build that place. I met a few respectable humans there (and as usual, a few not-so-respectable ones as well). One was named Revan, who, naturally, is in the USCM. A marine who wants to be a hero. He really was a decent guy, but I don't know too much about his character. Then, there was... I believe his name was Samuel, or something? He wore a suit of armor for some reason. We played some human game called "air hockey", and it was terribly fun. I even won! Beat a human at his own game. There was this other game, some dancing game, and that was really fun too. I wasn't nearly as good at it as some of the other people there, Samuel (I think his name was Samuel, at least.) was tremendously good, and so was Smokestack. It was as fun to watch as it was to play. Brother got an apartment at Gum, too, because he is a member of their security force. It's of course, as gorgeous as the rest of the place. Wide, open windows, a view of the ocean... he's doing really well for, well, himself. Really successful given his status. I might sleep over there sometime. I plan on returning to Gum a lot more, now. The architecture and aesthetics are perfection, and, well, it's new! Who doesn't like new things?
Next text file on her holopad is labelled differently than the rest. Instead of a date, it's titled "(Forward from RayBeluga) URGENT:: AISI ADMINISTRATIVE PERSONNEL." AISI Administrative Personnel, There has been an unfortunate incident in the Aquila Sector where one of our outposts was planted on a floran-inhabited world. These floran were a member of a large unregistered tribe, and possess unprecedented and unknown levels of military capability. The AISI, along with nearby factions, requires any available resources to combat this hostile threat, as they are attempting to spread into our regions and take our technology for assimilation into their machines, likely for the purpose of accelerated conquest. All materials and products produced by the AISI are, as you know, recyclable, thanks to our advanced facilities. Additionally, most of our outreach edifices are nonpermanent, and given the correct vessels and equipment, can be easily dismantled. In summation, we are asking for donations of the following from any AISI outreach programs and staff: Equipment (firearms, environmental suits, etc) Nonpermanent structures Vessels Power sources/storage Any other tangible items not mentioned that could contribute to the cause. Those of you whom do donate are promised a reimbursement of up to 250,000 pX, depending on your contribution. This is subject to change. Please remember that these "donations" are merely us asking permission to reacquire our own facilities. If you believe your research to be of negligible importance, or not imminently needed, then we suggest you allow us to reacquire our resources. This decision is entirely up to you, and we trust you to make an ethically sound decision. We apologize for any inconvenience. Regards, AISI Command -------------------------------- Aruana, I am leaving it up to you to make the decision on whether you sacrifice your efforts or not. This is your call to make, not mine. It is important to be able to make decisions of this magnitude, especially if you are going to be the shining beacon leading galactic biochemical science I know you're going to be. Unfortunately, due to my experience overseeing construction and operation of fleets of warships, I will be needed in the Aquila sector to advise. Your mother and I will unfortunately be leaving antares for an unspecified amount of time. We are certain you and James will fare very well here on your own. We are very proud of both of your achievements. Keep in touch. Love, Ray
Day Forty-Five I spend today packing my things. Deciding what to give away to the cause, and what I need to keep myself alive and well. There isn't much room on my ship, but thankfully I have few possessions. My balance currently is 24,536 pX, thanks to the generous reimbursement by the AISI. I believe I should be able to live off of this for some time. I need to look around and see living space expenses. Of course, none of them will be able to allow me to be freed of my suit. I'll need to sleep in here. Won't be able to feel the soothing feeling of the bacteriophobic bedsheets, the smooth metal of my desk, nothing. Nothing but the senseless, elastic interior of my suit. I'm glad I get to contribute to such a noble cause, even if it cost me my laboratory. Thankfully, though, Solour's nanobot solution should be in within the next week, and I'll be able to be free then! It has to work. It has to. Of course it will. Nanobots don't have flaws, and they're a lot easier to program than my cells. I'll just have to wait. In the meantime, I'll need to look for a source of income. There aren't many jobs on the frontier for biochemical engineering, unfortunately, as far as I know. Maybe I'll contact Radical Industries. This is a minor setback. There is nothing to worry about, no reason to be upset. Freedom is just around the corner!
Day Forty-Seven Yesterday, I went on a little excursion with Starton, which turned into a date halfway through. We were, again, visiting random planets, when we came across what we later found to be a toppled over avian tower. It was pretty neat inside, they had urns full of dried feathers, those sacrificial altars, and a sarcophagus or something. I wondered, as I explored the remains, what kind of god would demand the sacrifice of sapient beings? Did they think killing people on a table would make their god happy, and that good things would happen if they did? If so, evidently this tower did not see enough sacrifices. Or, you know, science actually caused the tower to fall. Don't get me wrong, I believe there is a spiritual side to all things living. That is partly why I detest killing, and it is partly why I try to be kind to everyone. But, to be so ethnocentric as to proclaim the ruler of the universe, creator of everything, to be one of your own species is blind and foolish. If it were so, why would he have created all other species, and make us seem like equals? I'm not going to pretend I know whether there is a diety watching over me or not, but I'm certainly not going to follow some doctrine made up by some mortal, limited being(s) that tell me what Kluex says I should do. I follow a doctrine that is morally, ethically and logically sound, one that promotes stability, balance and peace. Back to the date! After a little while of exploration, we sat down atop the ruin and stared off at the distant sunset. Due to gravitational bending of light, the sun had already set of course, but I did my best not to remember that as I saw the image of the sun sink into the horizon. We had a wonderful conversation, at the end of which, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. We slept together in the literal sense rather than the colloquial. Luckily I had brought the comforter off my bed in case we were to picnic again, and we slept wrapped in that like an egg roll. Sure, I wore my suit, but it was wonderful to fall asleep in each others arms. Today, I search for a planet upon which to build the colony. I think I will look for a grassland, but who knows what I'll find! I'm going to stay near the "core" worlds for practicality and ease of use. Hope I don't accidentally build on someone else's planet!
Day Fifty-Three It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been rather busy recently. Started that colony I was talking about. We have a cute little residential building and a lab up and running. Still setting up power storage and generation, and a few other things, but otherwise we're all settled in! It's just me and Starton. I like it that way. It's nice and quiet, and we get to cuddle when I feel lonely, even though I'm wearing an armored suit. It can't be comfortable for him, poor guy has to sleep with a hunk of metal. He doesn't seem to mind 'as long as it makes me happy'. I feel so blessed to have him. Just the other day, I had the procedure done. Unfortunately, there was a problem and they had to lock me in stasis and remove the implants and nanobots. We're still figuring out what went wrong. I'm alright, though, which is good. Poor Solour, spent all that money on nothing. I really feel bad about costing him so much money. I think I'll refund him, I might have a spare few thousand pixels. Sure we need as much as we can get, but Solour is broke now, as far as I know. I couldn't have someone who has done so much for me fall to bankruptcy while I flourish in my kilopixels. Still rehabilitating at the hospital. Should be released soon. I'll have to get right back to work. Maybe find some people interested in funding us? We are, after all, trying to genetically engineer adults. Who wouldn't want a little thing changed?
Day Fifty-Six Father sent me a message this morning saying he was coming back. Is it over already? He didn't say anything more than that, and I'm really concerned. Did the AISI lose? Is Mother alright? Why the sudden return? I'm sure everything is alright, but I am worried nonetheless. I'm excited too, I've missed my family. I haven't even seen James in weeks. I wonder how he's doing. Rambling again, sorry. The lab is up and running, and I'm back to work! Everything is running smoothly, we're analyzing some alternatives to genetic engineering. Starton found some organism that uses helpful bacteria to combat infection, which could work wonderfully if we can do something similar with me. No promises, though! I promise to stay up to date from now on!
Day Seventy-Seven Goodness, it's been a while! Sorry again! I've been rather busy with my research. To be brief, we've tried a lot and haven't gotten far. To make things worse, our "funds" have almost run dry. With the combined costs of my dietary supplements, our research costs, and the huge amount these modules costed. But! Father's nearly finished with his estate, and I'll probably be able to move in with him. Apparently, his estate is supposed to be our family's home for the foreseeable future! He says that he's "well-off" but I'm not sure whether he'd be able to fund our research to its end, if there is an end. I've been feeling pretty down lately. This project is draining me of my energy. Nothing seems to work. This virus doesn't want to be nice to me, at all. It's not accepting any of my attempted modifications, there's just too much to change! We might need to see if another virus would be easier to work with, but... Anyway, not sure if I'm gonna be back on this journal for a bit, depends how things go. Wish me luck!
