5/24 is labeled, however, nothing is written under the label. 5/25 has writing. 5/25/2416 Kluex has cursed me with the blessing I never truly wanted. After what Kahlua told me; "This sector is too vicious," I thought I would never fall in love. Thought I would never want a child. I've fallen in love with the person I'm taking care of, Tlihuic. I know what you're thinking, Noa Jr or whatever we decide to name you, why would you fall in love with a religious zealot? Truth is, he's not a zealot, and I know it. I looked deeper than that nearly dead outside, and saw him for who he was on the inside. A gentle person who wishes no harm. A scribe who kept getting beat down. Someone I could trust and love. Seems like there's a whole lot of conflict in me that I've never seen before, never noticed, never felt. Now that I read my previous entries, I realize that I was lying to myself and everyone else. I've slept with a whopping three (3!!!!) men now because, well, I don't know why. One is dead now because I ratted him out (I think), fuck if I know what the Priestess and her companion did to him, one was half-dead when he came to Mud, and one is a man who doesn't love me in the marriage way, but loves me in a very close friend way. I can't tell Tlihuic. I won't tell Tlihuic. The last thing I want to do is tell him and ruin this. The thing is, when I'm with him, everything feels.. well, to say the least, everything feels normal. Like, I was just a puzzle who needed to be put together, and he put me together. I don't feel awkward or nervous or depressed around him. I just feel happy. It may seem strange that I'm just sticking myself to one person, but, why does that matter? I'm in love and I want to stay with him. Not a love where all you want to do is do it all the time, but an actual, intimate love. Holy shit, today was a fucked day right off the bat. Distress signal. Ship in orbit around Upside. Markus and I. Droid getting the shit kicked out of him by a being of PURE BLACK. Had a sort of black smoke lifting off of it, too. Sort of like smoke raising from a crispy corpse, or smoke pouring out of a burning house. It's hard to think about. One thing I remember very clearly is the thing's sharp emerald eyes. Kluex. Another terrifying experience. Well, guess it's back to the old grindstone. Sit, do nothing for a few minutes on Mud, get called out to some distress signal that will always have a chance to kill me. Why can't we have a normal distress signal where someone is stranded and all we have to do is pick them up? Damnit. Another distress signal. This one was calm.. I think. I don't remember. It suddenly was like, remember it clearly, some ice planet, something about a USCM trooper, and then that's all I remember. I don't know why I suddenly forgot it. Jarhead said he wanted to go to Monolith. Good for him. Whatever. It's time I get some rest. Things'll look up for me soon, and I know it.
Instead of there being writing for 5/26/2416, there's a little audio tape taped down to the paper. When played, you could hear this. Sniff. "May 26th, 2416. Atleast, I think." Quiet sounds of someone shifting in a bed, then quiet sobbing for a solid ten seconds. "Kluex.. I've done everything wrong. I'm not fooling anyone." There was silence for five seconds. "Kahlua nearly died today. He got.. he got.." Anger gradually started to be evident in her voice. "Those fucking Human cunts stabbed him! They stabbed him because I didn't let them have what they want!" Her voice lowered, down to a barely audible whisper after another few seconds of crying. "Everything is so wrong because of me. Because of the damnable choices I've made. It's a cycle at this point. Choice number one, which I thought originally was a good choice that would better someone," voice rising, "FUCKING HURTS SOMEONE! I just want to disappear, because I know nobody will fucking care. The only reason I'm liked by anyone is because I look 'pretty'. I'm so attractive, some men just want to fuck me until I get knocked out!" The sound of soft crying returned. "Ehe-- I think I'm breaking. I think I need to be locked away in the deepest reaches of a mental asylum. Keheheheheheh.." Sobbing is replaced by a quiet laugh, halting entirely after ten seconds. Deep silence settles over the recording for thirty seconds. "Khhh. Lovepeck Downsilk. Ziggy. He choked the secrets out of me. He *KNOWS* now. He knows about nearly everything." Deep sigh. "I just love my upside-down fuckin' life. My deepest, darkest secrets choked out of me by the father of my 'best' lover. I'm ashamed." The recording abruptly ended.
Same thing as 5/26. Audio tape labeled '5/29'. 5/28 seems to be scratched out, with 5/28 written underneath it. "May 29th, 2416. I've given up on writing in the journal, so I'm gonna need to stop at a store somewhere to get more empty tapes." She seemed to be happy now, telling by her voice. "It's just.. talking gets things off my chest, y'know?" Jaycee sighed lightly, almost dreamily. "The planet where Kahlua took me last night was just.. simply putting it, beautiful. Just truly stunning." She chuckled quietly, remembering one of the things that happened last night. "Kehe. I tried to swim, and, it didn't go very well. I floated, paddled a bit above water, and then the funny part is when I went underwater." Jaycee yawned. "When I went underwater, it got to me. When I finished diving, I started to panic. Inhaling water, sporadic swimming, that stuff." The happiness didn't leave her voice, as if it was a funny memory. "I think Kahlua pulled me up by the arm. Got the water out of my lungs. Still pretty funny." Then, she sighed quietly. Still didn't sound sad, though. "I'm not even gonna talk about what we did last night. What's done is done." The tape stops there, however, after 30 seconds of silence, it goes on. "May Kluex damn that fucking Floran." She huffed and puffed. "Fucking nearly killed Kahlua. I swear to the damned Sunborn, they're gonna pay. Gonna fucking bash their skull open with a big rock, just like they almost did to Kahlua." Jay sighed again, anger rising in her voice. "Keh. Whatever." Silence ensues for a minute, happiness returning to her voice. "Kahlua managed to calm me down today, though. Got my robe and stuff, just like we promised." Another sigh. "Today was.. well. Quite the day. Ehe. Well, good night, universe, I'll see you tomorrow."
Another audio tape. It's labeled '5/31'. Spoiler: Long Entry "May 31st, 2416." She groaned a bit. "When I woke up, I had the fiercest headache. Felt like a Floran turned my brain inside-out before stabbing it multiple times with the bluntest weapon they could find. I just stayed home, blew out all the candles, and sat in utter silence for about an hour." Jaycee sighed. "It helped a lot, but.. when I looked in the mirror for my morning preens, I was terrified with what I saw. I saw a white Avian who copied my every move. This isn't just me being primitive and not knowing what the hell a mirror is, but.. khhh. I looked deeper into that Avian, and I didn't see Noa Jaycee. I didn't see the TQRF Corporal who proudly wears their ranks. I didn't see the Mud guard who's doing it for penance. I didn't see the woman that everyone sees so much good in. I saw someone who doesn't just want a stable life, stable relationship, kids. I saw someone vastly different. Someone with Lovepeck-level of desires. That man.. he got to me. Seriously, he did. I'm still shaken, even now." Jaycee sighed again. "I should just.. let it go. It's done, it's over. Kahlua helped me through it, even if he did give him a nice black eye. Speaking of Kahlua.." A glint of giddiness shines through her voice. "Well. I can only think we're getting closer and closer as time passes. He's opened up to me with his feelings, and I'll open up to him. Some things stay hidden, however. Only as time passes will I reveal things, even if Kahlua is the most accepting man in the galaxy." Jaycee sighed a long, tired sigh. "Kluex.. I don't have the heart to ask Tlihuic if I should take birth control. It'd be a third time I've had to take it if he wants me to. Besides, I have the pill right here, and he did say that he didn't want to try for chicks." She paused for a moment, as if thinking it over. "This shit is why I wish I just fled long ago when Kahlua first rejected me. I don't want to be so conflicted. But.. I have so many friends here, so many commitments. Kahlua. Sarah. Mick. Cole. Karo. Volare. Britton. Marley. Sprocket. Tlihuic. Yuuto. Ernal. Sparrow. Nona. Yury. Smoke. Mattulip-- even though I just met them both. Francisco. Laruder. M'kali. All these people, all these acquaintances, all these friends, maybe even lovers, for some of them. I'll stay here because of them. I'll change because of them; either good or bad changes." Another five-second long pause. "Right now, my self-confidence is down in the ditch. I've been lying to cover up my tailfeathers-- to everyone. I'm not Flightless. I'm Grounded. A piece of soon-to-be-ashen waste. Burned up after I die, burned up in the afterlife. Sent to whatever Hell the Sunborn can come up with for me. I hope that I do go down there. All I've done in my life is bad, and it'd be best if I just went down there so I can't hurt anyone else. I willingly fuck men I barely even know, and it's ruining me. I have been corrupted. Kahlua was right, this place does terrible things to sweet people. No. I'll endure. I'll change. I'll be steadfast. I can change, and I will. No longer will I be the bad in the equation. But, I also won't be the absolute good. Just do what I think is right. And right now, my moral compass is absolutely backwards. I instigate, and 9 times out of 10, I say what I don't mean. I don't know why. I'm just.. not me--" She cut herself off. "No. I am me. This is me. These habits, they make me. I'm afraid I'll become my dad, drinking off the chain, smoking, flirting with whatever I see. Keh. I talk too much, think too little. Think I should just shut up. Be the soft-spoken chick I used to be." She paused for another few moments. "Tired. Think I'll head off to sleep, dream of a better life, maybe? Or I'll have another dreamless sleep, or another dream of Lovepeck. I barely know him, and I think I'm actually in love. Not the good kind of love. He has gotten to me, no matter how many times I refuse to believe that." Sigh. "Good night, universe."
All of the audio tapes would've been moved to Jaycee's bedside chest-- for safe keeping. It's another tape, labeled '6/1' Spoiler: Long Entry "It's another month here in the Frontier. June." Long, tired sigh. "June 1st, 2416. Everything's gone so wrong in just a month. I'm more conflicted than ever, partially because Tlihuic wants the eggs I'll be laying, and because my heart is with Kahlua." She coughs a bit, and this inhale is a wheeze. "Khh-- fuck. I'm killing myself with this shit. I'm so torn, I'm actually dying. Should've listened and left instead of talking on and on and on. Maybe, far away on Avos, my heart wouldn't be beating so fast. When the time comes for the eggs, I think I'll just do what Lovepeck did. Find out how far away that galaxy is, and spend 22 years with my chicks when it's actually 2 months over here. Or just send them, and lie to Tlihuic about them being kidnapped. It'll rip his emotions to shreds-- but that's what a friend is for, right? Comforting other friends? Or, as I learned here, fucking stab them in the back, kiss, make up, rinse and repeat, because that's the only thing 'friends' do here." Jaycee sighed, and quietly muttered something about 'careful what you wish for'. "I wished this upon myself, didn't I? I wished and prayed for a relationship, chicks, and a home. I guess I deserve this, huh? I guess I deserve to be a whore who can't control their sex drive. I have nobody to blame but myself. The one who is unable to do good. I guess that's just because of me looking deeper into people all the time. Corrupted me-- changed me-- into someone I thought I would never be. A cynical slut. But, I'll change, right? 'Jaycee, you'll change. Trust me.'" There's a dull 'thump', like a fist hitting metal. "Khh.. yeah, I'd like to see you change me. C'mon, Kluex. Change me. Make me happy. Make me content with this life. Make me admit to Kahlua that I'm having eggs soon." She sharply inhaled, probably from the pain of her fist hitting a metal wall. "I dunno about Kahlua. Maybe he is the most accepting man in the universe. This'll be an ultimate test to see if he is." Jaycee stayed silent for a few moments. "Maybe I should just keep Tlihuic as a friend, keep it professional. I deserve this pain. I deserve all the heart attacks you throw at me, life. Maybe one will get lucky and put me out of my misery. People might care, but I'll be as forgotten as footsteps on a sandy dune during a tornado. I've personally accepted that. That I'm just another rock skipping on top of a vast lake. That I'm just a cog in the machine for chaos." She sighed, thinking for a moment. "If Kahlua and I want to make the sector better with the TQRF, then, we can start with me. Exile me again. Lock me away, so that I may never see daylight again." She paused, again, for a couple of seconds. Jaycee took a deep breath. "These dark times have taken a toll on me. An irreversible toll. I can forget it, but it'll bite me in the ass, force me to remember. Just wanted to have a smooth life. That was all I wanted. All I needed. But, no. Life's so head-over-heels here that everything is chaotic." Jaycee managed to brighten up a bit. What a miracle! "I'll look on the bright side of things, for now. Maybe everything will play out right. I'll be happy pretty soon." The tape stopped for roughly 45 seconds, starting back up to the soft pitter-patter of rain on a window. "I found my element. Where I can truly be happy. It's either with the ones I love, or helping people who need help. I guess that's why I joined the TQRF, huh?" She chuckled quietly. "I felt natural when I was helping Xocho. Like I have motherly instincts. Calmed them, talked to them, got them to relax. They were as tense as a pulled string. Told them that I would've given them a massage, if it wasn't for the entire lifesuit situation." Stopped again, paused for 30 seconds. "I'm recording this from the Mud clinic." Light coughing. "A heart attack nearly took my life." She sighed, her voice stating that she wasn't in the best of moods. "All the stress built up from.. everything just about killed me. That'll be all for today." Jaycee stops talking, and the tape cuts out after 10 seconds of just rain gently hitting a nearby window.
Audio tape. '6/3' The tape starts off with the sound of rain hitting all around, then a worn, long sigh. Jaycee's voice is unusually quiet. "June 3rd, 2416. I love the rain. I love the rain because I can lose myself in it, leave this galaxy for a while. But, that'd be counted as 'running away from all your problems', right? Kehe. I'm.. better. Yesterday was just.. it was just another day here in the Frontier. I don't know why I still get hurt by the things that happen here." Quiet humming for around 5 seconds, drowned out by the intensifying rain. "Yesterday, I made a promise to Kahlua. I'm not gonna break that promise. I hurt him, and I hurt myself. I can't hurt him anymore. Now that that's off my chest, let's move on to a.. better topic. Tlihuic left me, as we all already know." Jaycee chuckled a bit. "Kehe. Says he's gonna come back for the eggs. Okay, you can have 'em. I sure as pluck can't raise them on my own. I'd like to see you try, as well. Malnourished and broken Scribe. That's funny, now that I think about it. And it's only funny because it's Tlihuic. Whatever. I know he'll come crawling back. We all know that." She sighed, again. "I can pull through. Besides, the Talekas QRF Ball date is 'to be assigned'. There's still time for me and Kahlua to work it out." 2 second pause. "And.. y'know. I have the birth control pill right here. Tomorrow, if I take it, I won't have to worry about this. But, that's the weak way out. I'm strong, but, not as strong as I'd like to be. Maybe.. too strong? Strong in an emotional way, strong like Xocho, where I can swing people's emotions around like a ragdoll. It's not how I want to be, but, it's what I am, I guess. But. Buuuuut. I haven't lived a full life yet, so, I can't call myself a slut or a whore just yet. Just like Omega said. Men will abuse me, that's a fact at this point. But, Kahlua doesn't abuse me. He would never do that. Maybe the things he said last night hurt, stung, ripped into my heart and soul, but, he would never abuse me. Oh, right, I forgot. I should call him *Sergeant*. *Sergeant* Downsilk. Right, right. Then my name is *Corporal* Jaycee. Not Noa, not Jaycee, *Corporal* Jaycee." Jaycee shouted out into the wilderness. "Hey, animals! You hear that? It's Corporal Jaycee to you!" She chuckled a bit, lowering her voice. "Kehe. Whoopty-doo. Pluckin' great." She clapped as she laughed, for about 10 seconds. "Oof, that is funny." Another long pause. "Xocho and I hung out today, on Upside. Played a few songs." Jaycee hummed, and it seemed to be the beat for Lou Reed - Perfect Day. "Kluex, that song made me feel.. whole. I can finally see the good in myself. I'm.. I'm a mother. Deep inside, I am. A caretaker. I feel whole. It's such an enlightening feeling. Thank you for this, Xocho." Deep breaths follow. "Nobody has ever given me such a beautiful gift." She unsteadily cooed to herself. "You just keep me hanging on.." Jaycee took a deep breath, steadying herself. "Xocho is gonna help me with the eggs. And I thank them for that." Pause for about 2 seconds. "End of the log for today." After a few moments of just rain, she finally spoke again. "I love the rain." Then, it cuts out.
This entry is written purely in Avian glyphs. GOALS [X]FIX RELATIONSHIP FRIENDSHIP WITH KAHLUA [X]GO TO HOPE SPRINGS [X]GET A HOME IN HOPE SPRINGS [ ]BECOME A RABBIT [ ]SETTLE DOWN [ ]STABILIZE LIFE [ ]LIVE ON [ ]FIX RELATIONSHIP WITH KAHLUA (ONLY TIME CAN MEND THE TRUST WE LOST) DON'T GIVE UP-- LIFE IS STILL WORTH LIVING
It's an entry labeled 'Photo Album'. More pictures may be added in the future, who knows? It seems to be a selfie caught just in the right moment-- sunrise. Jaycee's holding up two talons, a 'peace' sign, while winking and sticking out her tongue. #1: Mt. Sanctuary's Beautiful Sunrise-- the perfect home for solitude, away from all the drama Uh-oh. Seems like Noa got in a bit of trouble. #2: Nice Sunguard who allowed me to snap a picture of him-- before he ushered me out after slapping me a couple of times
Most of the entry is panicked scribbling-- except the second paragraph. 6/15/2416 Spoiler: nightmare nightmare 'wake up' in bed on hope springs all of my wounds suddenly hurt again stumble out of room the bridge is burning, fire consuming lovepeck and necapan and kahlua and tenca and volare and ernal and xocho and ikalchi and smokestack try to save them didnt work, ended up burning myself try to escape to the warm spring the buildings behind me are burning and collapsing finally make it to the safe warm spring make it down the stairs and then darkness swallows me the last thing I hear "Mama, help us." the voices of my dead chicks haunt me Spoiler: The Dream The Dream I wake up in Bed on Hope Springs. My Wounds no longer Hurt-- they are healed, gone, even. The Air that passed through my nostrils doesn't feel Dirty, doesn't feel Smoky, doesn't feel Tainted. I get out of Bed with a bounce to my step, greeted by the Happy Faces of Everyone I knew in the Dining Hall. They all envelop me with a Warm, Loving Hug. Not forced. Their own choice. Made out of Pure, True Love. The Warm Feathers of Kahlua, Volare, Ernal, Smokestack, Ikalchi, Lovepeck, Necapan, Cinnamon, Karo, Skye, Tlihuic, Sparrow, even the grown chicks that could've gone on to live a full life-- the Cold, yet Comforting steel of Xocho's life suit-- the Warm Skin of Rodrick, Alex, Omega, Sarah, Mick-- the feeling of leaves brushing against my flesh, Esa, Mattulip, Sprocket. Everyone. I can Feel my Heartbeat, Steady and Calm. Not the Heart with an Erratic Heartbeat. Not the Heart that suffered a Heart Attack. Not the Heart that was Broken over and over again. Not the Heart that Wept every Night. The Heart that was Whole, at last. I feel the Energy flow back through my Veins. I finally Feel the Sensations of being Alive again. Touch, Sight, Smell, Hearing. Everything. The sight Blurs into a-- party? on Mount Sunspire. Everyone is wearing fancy, nice clothes, conversing, drinking together, eating together. Karo's maturing chicks running around, playing. No conflict or drama. Happy Faces. Smiles, Laughter. I look down at myself, almost speechless by what I saw. I was wearing a White Dress, holding a Bouquet of Bright Flowers. I started to walk down an Aisle. People stepped out of the way and smiled the warmest smiles I've ever seen. Some of them even said 'congratulations'. I didn't know why, but I just continued walking until I reached a podium. I looked up and saw Ikalchi, book in hand. Kahlua appeared to my right. He didn't look Tired. He didn't look Angry. He didn't look Betrayed. He just looked Happy-- Ecstatic, even. He, too, was wearing a Nice Suit. He, too, looked up to Ikalchi, waiting for something. "Kahlua Downsilk, do you hereby take Noa Jaycee's wing as your companion, here and in the afterlife?" Breathless. Surprised. "Yes. I do." Even more surprise. "Noa Jaycee, do you hereby take Kahlua Downsilk's wing as your companion, here and in the afterlife?" The realization of what was happening hit me hard, smiling widely. Had my dream, my hope, my everything come true? With a wide smile on my face, I said-- "Yes. I do." This was a Wedding. My Wedding. His Wedding. Our Wedding. Another Blur goes by. I'm entering my home. No. WE are entering OUR home. The Home that I cried many Tears in. The Home where I Hurt myself in. The Air didn't have the same, depressed Weight it always had. It was like a Warm Breeze had swept through, erasing all that Sadness. I entered our Room, surprised when I saw a Little Cradle with two chicks lying down next to each other in said Cradle. I felt the Ring on my Talon. I felt the Emptiness inside leave me. I felt the Void inside my Heart fill itself with an enlightening Feeling. Finally able to genuinely Smile. Finally able to breathe without the Weight. The Clouds aren't the Pressurized Steel that I'm all-too-familiar with anymore. The Clouds were finally those Fluffy Things that I used to long for, so long ago. Mother. Wife. Companion. Nestmate. Titles I could live up to, truthfully. I fell asleep in The Dream, cuddling with our new Relationship in mind. I woke up on Mud, my sides Hurting, my torso Hurting, everything Hurting again. It was just A Dream? I wish my life was That Dream. So peaceful. So at ease. So happy. I take advantage of the Happiness and Hopes generated by This Dream. Use it to fuel me and spur me on to make it True. But, the one Phrase that has helped me the most? "Scars will heal, but were meant to bleed." It made me cope with the Pain. Made me realize what I've done to myself. What I've nearly done to myself. Just a Little Scar in the 99 years I have left. I'm so Afraid that it won't Happen, though. But, I must go on. No matter what.
The page has been ripped out of the diary and pushed under her pillow on the Springs along with her final will and testament. It seems that this page has been written out carefully and methodically. 6/24/2416 This is probably going to be my suicide note. Hello again, my dear diary. A lot of stuff has happened since I last wrote in you-- or cared to write in you. Everything has gone so wrong. I've been kidnapped twice, in the same month, one by some asshole and the other by Florans. To sum things up, my life isn't a life anymore. It's in shambles. My body is broken, my mind is broken, my heart is broken; something nobody can fix, even if they are a lover who 'cares' for me. Got drunk off my rocker last night just to forget what I've done. Truth be told, I didn't forget. I just re-lived. Diary, you are the only thing I can trust, the only thing that won't leave me, other than the Kalt I bought from Omega Armaments-- the one with so much blood on it already. I attempted to kill myself this morning with it. I missed. It's either a sign that there's something more for me, or I'm just a shit shot. I hope it's a sign-- but 'hope' is a strange concept to me, now. There is no hope for me, no life for me to live, not anymore. Kahlua was ready to love me forever; he even bought a ring to put on my talon. I ruined the relationship, just like I ruined everything else. Now he's dead. My only hope, my only dream, thrown away. Just like that. just like that. I can't bring myself to love anyone in a relationship way. Not anymore. I'll only break their heart. I don't matter anymore. So, I don't and can't see why people would emotionally invest in me-- a failure drinking their life away because they tried to pursue a pipe dream. Can't say I don't deserve it, because I deserve all the pain life throws at me. Deserve to be alone, wah wah pity party. Whatever. Because my family isn't here, and I have nobody to call 'family', my final request when I die is to just burn all of my belongings. I'm not worth remembering, never will be. Nobody wants to remember a slut. I'm not even a Rabbit yet. I doubt they even want to make me a Rabbit, anyway. No redeemable traits. I'll just live in my ship. The metal floor is pretty inviting and homely, and nobody will have to see me. That is something I can be proud of; being able to disappear without anyone caring about me. I'm done sharing my sob story with you, diary. See you soon.
The entry is written calmly-- unlike her usual scribbles. 6/26/2416 Hello, hello, hello! I come bearing the fruit of good news; for once. I have a boyfriend-soon-to-be-husband now. Noxoc Thunderwing. He's an ex-criminal, alcoholic, drug addict. So, you're probably wondering why we love each other, whoever received this diary/was gifted this diary/who was passed down this diary as inheritance? Well, for one, I plan on helping and supporting him. And, two, it's.. hard to describe, really. He's just so intimate, despite having nothing. He also says 'a man putting his hands over his woman's womb is intimate, because they want to protect their seed'. I'm also concerned for Kahlua, right now. Ever since.. that day he sent the text, he's been different. He's not the Kahlua I used to know. At least, he's not the one I loved and wanted to marry. But, just like everything else, I screwed it up. Eventually, I'll screw up with Noxoc, and he'll leave me, then it'll be back to the old days of no hope. Just like old times, huh? I'm just glad I have a reason to live. But.. I still have the dream, the hope that Kahlua might come along and save me, make me his. It's.. not going to happen, and I have to accept it. I don't want to. I'm not going to. Please come back. Please give me another chance. I won't wrong you again, I swear, I promise on the rest of my life that I won't if you just come back. I'm sorry, Noxoc. You can't keep me in check like him. You can't keep my problems at bay like he can. He can make me forget. Those warm, blue eyes melt all of my woes away. Those warm, blue eyes urge me along, made me realize what being happy is truly like; gave me a reason to seek help for my depression. Your green eyes are the things I distract myself with, a temporary solution to the pain that's eating me away from the inside. The pain that'll bite my neck like a snake-- like it bit Tlantl in his sleep. I don't want to say this, Noxoc, not in person, not to you, not ever, but you're just a distraction. Please save me from the past, Kahlua. I won't wrong you again, I swear, I promise.
This page is not in her diary-- instead, it is on her bed in the Springs. Farewell, those I care dearly for. Thank you. Ernal, Volare, Kahlua-- everyone here on the Springs, all of you Rabbits. You were Aether-sent to me. You all gave me a reason to live, a reason to love, a reason to go on. That reason to go on has carried me away to escape from Council Space. Noxoc Thunderwing. The one who gave me what I thought I truly lost. Ernal; remember to stay strong, no matter how many times Kuro hurts you, no matter how bad your nightmares are. Volare; remember to keep on going on. You've done us all a great favor, providing us with a place to stay, a place to close our eyes in safety. Kahlua; remember to do what you want with your life. Carry on, like a leaf on the wind. Sarah; for Kluex's sake, get some rest, woman. You're an excellent leader, and a beautiful woman. Lovepeck; you still have love to spread. Spread it like the ashes of a fallen one thrown to the wind. Necapan; next person you spar, give them some mercy. Karo; live your life to its fullest-- with Skye's consent, of course! Skye; you have a wonderful husband. Don't let either of you let each other down. Everyone else; don't let yourself fall victim to the wickedness of Council Space. You're all good people, don't let Council Space ruin that. Remember me how you wish-- whether it be through the rain I love so much, or the leaves blowing gently through the wind. At the bottom is a nicely drawn pink heart with 'Noa Jaycee' written next to it.
This page is still in her diary, written as if she was ecstatic. 6/30/2416 Wow. I'm just.. I feel so good, right now. I was tired, I was heartbroken, I wanted it all to end. And, finally.. I reached my goal. Me and Noxoc-- we left Council Space behind us, kicked some dust on it, y'know? We're on our way to the Core Sectors, but, I'm not sure where he wants us to settle down. Avos, maybe? Oh well. I plan on opening a spa someday soon, though. White Dove Spa. Some of the people on Avos might not know what that is, but, it'll work. I know it will. I've said my goodbyes, left a note, etc., and I'm on my way. It'll take me a while to get there, but, I'll get there. I have enough pixels for plenty of refills (thank you Sarah and Ernal), so I should be alright. Not sure about Noxoc, though. Our ships are.. tethered? I think that's the term? Whatever the term is, our ships are together. I plan on settling down and having chicks, and if they go to Council Space, I'll have no choice but to follow them. It's the only way to make sure they're safe. Whatever, I need to sleep. Tired as heck, and my journey should be over soon. See you soon, diary!
The glyphs on this page are written out with a practiced finesse, written nearly like a scholar or a priest. 7/10/2416 I'm coming back. No, Noxoc. You can't and won't stop me. I left behind and abandoned things that I shouldn't of left. Firebird isn't just an urban legend, Noxoc. She's a whore. A fiend. First-hand experience. It's what ruined Kahlua and I. I still have Ernal to ally with. I still have all of these friends. Leaving them behind is just a coward's way out. Packing up what little things I have tonight. I'm also leaving tonight. Don't try to stop me, don't try to come back to Council Space for me. You're safe where you are. So are the eggs. I'm not leaving everything behind again. Take care of our children, Noxoc. Raise them right-- don't make them criminals, don't make them fiends. And most importantly; Don't repeat history, don't turn them into me.
The glyphs are pretty much the same as 7/10's. 7/15/2416 Burn, let it all burn Smell the stench of burnt feathers Hear the crumbling of the Bridge Hear the weeping lovesong of couples who were meant to be as they burn alive ... all because of one misfit. One person who thought they could do good, but ended up ending what was meant to be Ernal Green bean hasn't changed much. Still anxious, still nervous, still homosexual. I think Mud's beginning to stress him out to no end, partially from the constant flow of outsiders and the constant conflict I'm hearing about. I need to be here for him; as an ally, a close friend, a light in the darkness. Albeit, it's hard to be a light in the darkness when he's homo, ehe. I don't think I want another scarlet letter anyhow. Regardless, I'll be here for him, through thick and thin. He needs it, he deserves it. I already promised him that I'd be his friend anyways. Time to keep a promise, myself. Moonfeathers ... Kahlua In love with a priestess, according to Ernal. Good for him, I guess. It's taboo as shit though. Tenca ... 'Xochina' I still need to talk to her about this Crown guy. If I find her, at least. Apparently, she's a swan lady. Should be easy to find. 'Crown' Nestmate beater, from what I've heard from Ernal. I'll show him a thing or two about women being able to take care of themselves. In fact, I'm a good example of that. Or so I'd like to believe. 'Malli' Some blackbird chick who's pretty by Ernal's standards. I dunno, I've never seen her. Volare He hasn't changed much, either. Still that red floofball you can expect a smile and a joke out of every now and then. He was a bit.. surprised, shocked, whatever by my re-appearance. Hope he finds what he wants soon. No idea if that's a break or love or just a pina colada by the shore. He'll get what he wants, soon enough. Or so I hope. Hear them weep, hear them cry See the survivors point fingers and entangle you in a lie! I need to find a way to release and let go of this anger soon.
7/30/2416 Hope Springs has been destroyed. Found out myself when I beamed down to just relax and maybe write a good entry in my usually depressing diary, celebrate my first good change in.. well, forever. It would've been my last day on the Springs, relax for an hour or two, pack up and leave. Flightless can't stay on Hope anyways. Just wanted a little break from all of my tiring guard work, then I put the gear on. The gear that helped me help others, the gear that protects my identity when I go about as a vigilante in the dark night of space as Corporal Jaycee. Mud's sky burned, then Mud closes down, then Fog gets his fucking leg blown off. Why? Because Council Space, that's why. The bleak shit hole that can never get some good, no matter how many good tourist attractions are made. All I know is, whoever destroyed the safest and most loving place in Council Space that I swore to protect has quite the damn pain train coming their way. Kluex have mercy on your souls.
The entry is written with quite a bit of finesse, clear and comprehensible. ".. Recall that you're the sort that would sneak a gun onto Mud and shoot a woman half to death."8/3/2416 That's what Ernal told me last night when I was suspicious of Crown's activities. He said more before it, just can't waste my time trying to remember the other things he said. That caught me with my pants down when I thought I could trust Ernal with my opinions and trust him with my thoughts. Turns out I was wrong. Whatever. Mud closed down, so it doesn't need its 'most devoted' (words of Ernal) guard anymore. Time for me to move on from a place I don't even belong. Mud has 1,500 Grounded avians beyond the Outsider's District, and a Flightless wouldn't fit in. Would never fit in. Ernal doesn't need me anymore, either. I'm gonna resign from the guard force, quit the TQRF, go on my own again. It's the only thing I can do right anyways. Find new friends, maybe. Maybe make friends with that 'Blaze' mammal. Dunno. Good night, diary.
The page is damp with the familiar markings of tears, splotching the ink on the paper. 8/10/2416 A bit has happened since my last entry. None of it is good. Of course none of it is good, why would anything be good for me? For starters, Kahlua's hanging on to the edge of life right now. Says it's just a 'little hay fever'. Doubt it. We had a talk about the past the other night. Let all of those pent up emotions out in a nice way. Didn't hurt him, at least I don't think I did. Speaking of Kahlua, he and Ernal got together, according to Ernal. Good for him, I guess. Maybe it's for the best? I sure as hell don't know anymore. Why would I know? Another thing. Somebody vacuumed out a guy's chest on Mud a couple of weeks ago. Didn't write about it because I didn't want to. Volare and Kahlua got into an arguement while Ernal just watched. Poor guy. Shouldn't have to deal with those two fighting so much. Meanwhile, while everyone's being happy and getting happy, I'm alone right now. The only reason I'm even getting out of bed these days is the fact I can see Noxoc soon, which is where I'm going. Ship's travelling the beaten path to the Core Sectors with its head held high with the hopes of seeing my chicks again, with the hope of seeing him again. I know you won't read this and will never read this, Nox, but I'm sorry. So dearly sorry. I acted on impulse. I thought I could put some good in Council Space and I didn't mean to leave you but I did anyway. Please understand. Please accept that I want to come back to you. Don't leave, please.
9/6/2416 It's been a while, diary. I'm sorry for that. Lately, I've just been tired. Not the type of tired you can just sleep off, but the kind of fatigue you feel when you fall down. The sensation of falling fades over time, but it never quite leaves your gut. It settles there and wakes you in the middle of the night with an overbearing sense of dread that you can't quite put a name to. I've been falling for a long, long time. I know that, somewhere deep down. It would be a shock to reach the bottom, and I'm not quite sure that I could handle it. I went back to the Core Sectors to try and find Noxoc, but I didn't have any luck. He either left or I just didn't search enough. But, he is one of those people that can disappear in plain sight, so I doubt I could've found him anyway. After trying to find him (and consequently giving up), I went back on my ship to think for a long, long time before reaching Council Space again. Thought about what I'd do next, what I'd do with the ring he gave me, so on. When I reached one of the few Flightless temples in Council Space, I met someone new. Pahuitl Sunstriker, I think. He was a Sunguard, worked in a squad that was after a duo of ship thieves. They disbanded a long time ago, and I don't quite remember why. Still, it was nice to learn about somebody's past for once. For the past week, I haven't even left my house on Mud, either. Just stayed inside, watched the rain, read, wondered. Ernal visited a couple of times, too. Don't really remember why he did-- actually, I remember the first time. He came across something in Memoria that shocked him. A clone of himself, I think. Carrying around a dead Kahlua, Sparrow, and somebody named Eight. Said he didn't want to be around Kahlua right then. Thank you for listening, diary. It's nice to have something to talk to, even if they can't respond.
