A composition book.

(The handwriting here is obviously Aissa's, but distorted as though she were writing from a difficult angle.)

Apartment was broken into. Everything got cleaned out.
Just pissed me off at first, but Wren pointed something out.
What if I'd been here? Asleep, or in the shower, or unable to hear someone coming in?
Wren said the guy was a stalker who watched him sleep, that he was lucky he wasn't a rapist or murderer.
Now he's moved on from Wren's apt to mine (not that it was okay when he was only breaking in to Wren's).

And, just like happened with Jackton that one time, and just like happened when that Floran hit me with some kind of toxic sedative spores, I freaked out.
Bad. Probably worse than I ever have before.
Worst of all, it was in front of Remy and Leon.

Everything else is a blur of panic, strange faces, and memories I thought were more distant than they really are, I guess.
All I know is that I felt unsafe. Desperately afraid I'd end up unable to protect myself jus
This situation wasn't the same. I was conscious, able to move, able to scream. Not surrounded by the same people. and never will be again, because both of them died with Earth and you didn't. Remember this.
A Floran tore his way into the room at one point. I opened fire, but it didn't stop him. He pinned me to the floor. Bit my arm, a

I'm in the hospital now. I don't remember being examined. It's probably for the best.

I'm afraid I'm going to end up going to the Bounty Office.
I hope they don't ask too many questions. I'm afraid they'll turn down my posting if I don't explain why I need it.
I have a feeling it's going to be even more humiliating th

(The entry stops abruptly, and drags off into a dark scribble to the edge of the page.)

 

blue skin green foliage

 

Being in the hospital could totally be worse.

I mean, the bed is eh (or was, anyhow, before I ended up with a serious pile of pillows), and the food is hospital food, but I'm actually almost enjoying myself. I've got good company. It's a distraction.

I feel bad for Wren, though... He's been messed up but good. I can't see him from my bed, but, from what he's told me, his arm's broken and there's not a whole hell of a lot he can do. He's afraid to go back to his apartment, broke, jobless... I want to offer to let him stay in the other bunk in my ship, but he's kind of jumpy and I'm not sure I can completely trust him yet.
I mean, it would be shitty if Remy got this far just for everything to be fucked up because my heart bleeds all over the place.

I tried to ask Dre a couple things about having a bounty posted on that Floran.
I feel like I should be all full of righteous vengeance. My problem definitely isn't that I'm not angry, but... I honestly just want it dealt with so I don't have to think of it again. Before I leave the hospital, even. Maybe It feels like taking the coward's way out, but there it is in all its ugly truthfulness.
I wasn't entirely satisfied with the answers I got from Dre, so I radioed Vecks afterward (I figure if anyone I know knew what it would take to get a posting made, it'd be him).
According to him, as long as I had enough money, they wouldn't ask too many questions.
I wouldn't need to elaborate on why I wanted the post made.
So there's that.

The only issue is the description... I don't have a very good one. Remy said he'd gotten some video of the Floran, while he was helping (what the fuck?).
I didn't know how much Remy saw, or what he'd end up playing back. When he began the video, I kind of freaked and tried to block the projection.
I guess he hadn't seen it or recorded it anyway. All I succeeded in doing is making myself look like more of a headcase. Good job, A.
At least Vecks took Remy outside to finish talking about it.
At least Remy didn't see what happened.

David stopped by at one point. He mentioned that he could help me, since he's a doctor, but...
Seriously. Of all of the people I don't want to discuss these injuries with. Even if he could have me out of the hospital yesterday, I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than go through a(nother) medical examination.

Other than that... The rest of the night was actually nice. Vecks stole a bunch of pillows for me at one point, so it made it a little easier to sit and try to get comfortable. Moony came by to see Wren, and... I'm not really sure how it happened, but they ended up watching a hell of old movie called Space Jam, and Remy rolled over to hang out with them (he's got a thing for seriously vintage Earth animation, I think). We couldn't see anything from the angle at which my bed was situated, but Vecks managed to get it turned around so we could catch some of it over the top of the curtain.
Somewhere along the line, I guess Wren and Remy got to talking. Quietly, so it wasn't easy to make out what was said... A few words got through, though (like Remy's apparent thirst for fricklefrackles, meanwhile talking about a single buttgrab once made him fall face-down on the floor of my ship in sheer mortification)... I couldn't help it, I cracked the hell up. Vecks, too. Of course, looking at him trying not to laugh made it worse. I ended up putting a pillow over his face to try to hide the sounds he was making (and the faces, omg), but Remy was all EAVESDROPPERS (like we could even help it at that point. There is seriously a curtain separating my bed and Wren's), got mad, and rolled on me.
Vecks ended up falling asleep where he was before too long, which... I hate to admit it, but it helped to not be alone.
It also goes to show that he's a better person to me than I've been to him.

Oh, did I mention that Skarti showed up and walked around naked? Because that fucking happened.
Not only did it happen, but he ended up hassling Remy. Calling him an automaton, and insisting that, since Remy didn't need to sleep, he should entertain Skarti instead.
I wanted to get up and say something. It was hard not to.
The fact is, though, that isn't a battle I can fight for Remy... He and I talked about this. I know he's going to face opposition from people who refuse to believe that he's a person, and I know I might not always be there to tell them what they can do with themselves. If he's going to internalize what I said and develop a thick enough skin, it's sink or swim.
Besides, if he wasn't able to handle it, I was right in the next room.
Surprisingly, Wren stood up to Skarti, picked Remy's projector up, and rolled out to go talk somewhere with fewer rude assholes.
Good on him.

Wren's a good kid. I have to figure out some way to help him get on his feet once he's released.
He knows a little about servers... Maybe Remy would be willing to let him handle some of the maintenance, so I can justify paying him without it being all, "Oh, hey, you don't really know me, but I'm going to give you money because I feel bad for you." If he's anything like me, he'd just be weirded out by that. If he's anything like Leon, he'd be too proud to accept it even if it didn't seem weird. Finding a job for him would be different.

- A.

 

I'm grounded.
Also, right about everything.

... I really should play the lottery.

So, the first bit. Wren and Remy went out for a walk (hell of a walk, they ended up at the Cab. It's not exactly adjacent to the hospital). Awhile later, I get a text message that the burglar turned up there... I figure it's the same human guy I saw with a trash bag full of Wren's stuff after me, him, that loud guy with the huge gun, and Remy went running through the streets a couple days ago.
Still, I don't know jack shit about this dude. He could be armed. He could try to pick Remy up and sell him, not knowing what he is. Wren might make a rash decision and try to get back at him for the break-ins in the apartment building.
Of course, I get this message while Vecks is sitting right there, so he goes off to investigate.
I'm afraid he thinks I mean the Floran, and I'm still kind of panicking over the idea of Remy's holoprojector getting yoinked, so I get out of bed.
In a hospital gown (fortunately, not one of the Earth-style ones that gap all huge in the back).

I make it downstairs to the desk, but the Doc won't let me through. We're arguing back and forth, and I finally plea him up to letting me out for five minutes if he can find me some pants.
So, what do I do? I yank the lever to open the doors as soon as he's out of the room and make a break for it. I don't have that kind of time.

On a related note, running through LM's understreets while barefoot is not an experience I recommend.

So, I make it to the bar. No Floran (thank the indifferent gods), and the burglar's already been subdued. Vecks is standing there looking at me like I'm a mental patient (but really, he wasn't all that far off), and who comes barreling up the stairs behind me...
The Doc. With what appears to be a flamethrower.
I get yelled at and told I'm going to have to stay extra now, and that Vecks is not allowed to visit me during Doc's shifts. Vecks gets a lot of "OI! IS THIS YOUR SHAGMATE?!", which (like standing in the bar barefoot, pantsless, out of breath, and in a hospital gown wasn't bad enough) made me silently pray for the sweet release of death. I don't even think he managed a reply at all.
So... the Doc tells us to go back to the hospital, and we march out like the saddest, shortest parade ever.

We get back to the door before he does, and lo and behold, there're Wren and Remy. We all stand around like teenagers who've been caught smoking in the school bathroom, when the Doc comes up and orders all of us back inside and back to our rooms.
Vecks assured me that, banned or not, he'll just find a way to sneak in and visit.
He's been surprisingly kind through all of this... More than I expected. I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to when he visits, even. He brings some levity that's a distraction from the fact that I now spend most of my time plotting the murder of hours via sleeping or writing in this thing.

On a tangentially related note, I am right about everything.

I messaged David to find out what he wanted the other day. He messaged me back with garbled, paranoid nonsense (as per usual).
It sounds like he wants me to kill Julian.
Vecks told me Julian wants him to kill David.

Just like I predicted, circumstances have ended up putting us on opposite sides of a conflict.
I don't really want to think about what would end up happening if we knew each other less well than we do.

He reassured me that he has no intention of taking any job that puts us against each other. I said that was all well and good, but didn't mean much if he didn't know it was going to be me... so what was he going to do, run all of his jobs past me first? He actually said yes, if they seemed relevant. For anything else, he said I should wear my periwinkle hood (it's fucking purple okay) and he'd recognize me by it. Which... he's got a point. And it's actually very kind of him.
Now I just need to worry about being able to recognize him from a distance.

He also told me about the Avian religious army rolling around LM like they own the place (amazing how much can change in a few days, isn't it?). Pointed out how strange it was that, despite all of the conflicts and craziness, it was still possible to find "moments like this" (i.e., where shit isn't on fire, exploding, being torn apart by robot zombies, or all three).
Wren seemed pretty shaken by the religion talk. I can't say I blame him... if what he and Vecks have explained to me is true, then god damn that kid must have seen some shit and no mistake.

Speaking of, I talked to Remy a little about possibly getting Wren to do some server maintenance. Once we're out of here, I'll see about getting him aboard my ship to take a look at them. Hopefully, he can figure it out... Maybe with Remy's help? Or Wintermute's, even. I don't know. We'll see.

- A.

 

Freaking Dre and Wren

I swear to the indifferent gods

One more joke about kilts, sarongs, or being "vexed" and they are going to be in this hospital for another week at least

 

Yung's alive.

Alive, imprisoned, with a signed confession that will hopefully keep him there.

Meanwhile, my best friend is's body is dead, Luminaria's servers are destroyed, and I'm not sure how to feel about anything.

On the one hand, this is what we prepared for. This is why we did everything we did. This is why I have this ship, these servers, and these defenses set up. I'd hoped they wouldn't be needed, but I should have known better.

On the other... This is where my plan ended. I don't know what to do from here. I don't know if Remy's servers on Luminaria were compromised before they were destroyed, I don't know what effect this will have (has had?) on the servers on my ship, and, even if the hardware and software is all intact, I don't know what impact this is going to have on Remy.
I can't imagine it.
It had to be weird enough to be in two places at once to begin with... Then to be killed in one of them, and forced to watch yourself die in the other...

I'm worried about him.

Yung is in prison, and I can only hope he stays there. I don't know where this will end if he doesn't.
I know that what's left of Remy has to be kept secret now. There's no way Yung could have worked alone, and, thus far, no accomplices have been found.

Wren and Remy are staying in the medbay right now (with his broken arm, Wren can't manage the ladders to everywhere else), while Vecks is staying in one of the actual bunks for tonight, unless they've woken up by now. It's late enough that I doubt it.

I think I've made a mistake there, too... but one mistake I've learned not to repeat is to confuse physical desire with an emotional anything. It was kind of him to visit me in the hospital and make sure I was alright. It was kind of him to tell me about Julian. It was kind of him to let me know about Yung's capture. I'm not sure what the rest of this is, but he'll grow bored with it and distracted by something else soon enough and I'll be able to breathe again.

Il n'y a rien pour toi ici.

- A.

 

The sleepover count's back up to three again (with the addition of Leon), leaving me with two teenagers and a four- or five-month-old AI camped out in my medbay.

Leon... Simultaneously took the news better and worse than I thought. He was upset, of course, but he's happy Remy's connections to the Empire have effectively been severed. In the end, I think he was the one who wound up reassuring me.

And then, of course, we talked about boys and he started to pry and it got incredibly awkward and fortunately he went to go sit with Wren and Remy after that so I could pretend to be busy being an adult.

Vecks texted me at some point fairly early in the day, too. I had to run what he sent through a translator, and I can only assume the result was intended to be a jab at me. I haven't messaged him back-- his didn't leave much cause for reply, and I had other things to worry about.

David contacted me. Wanted to meet me on some planet in the Alpha sector. I told him I would beam down alone, but, due to the fact that my ship is now a summer camp, I couldn't exactly arrive alone.
Our conversation was, as per usual, the same mixture of paranoia and bizarre tangents (did the Bible have ducks in it? I can't imagine it did. Just imagine how the flood story would've panned out-- we wouldn't've needed to wait for a cosmic horror to destroy us, we would've been taken over by evil waterfowl way the hell before then) it always is. It appears that I'm wrong about him, though... He doesn't want me to kill Julian, like I'd initially assumed. He wants me to lure him into some kind of trap.
I don't think Julian would follow me. David seems to think he would, especially if I appeared to be in some kind of trouble.

The implication here is I have to fake some kind of convincing trouble to bring Julian to David. Possibly even allow David to set up the scenario.
I'd almost rather kill Julian myself.

I'm not sure that me being in trouble would be enough to force Julian to tag along. He's pulled a gun on people for me in the past, but that was the past and it's been a long time since I've heard from our favorite bald, mannequin-handed synthetic human. He seems to trust Vecks more than he trusts me now... but that puts me in a completely different kind of difficult position. I don't want Vecks thinking I need him on standby because I won't be able to handle this myself. I can't stand the thought of trying to convince him to put himself at risk for my sake, in a situation that shouldn't have anything to do with him to begin with. I hate the idea of having to explain to him why I'm now willing to lead Julian into the lion's den, after all his talk about trust and the times killing is justified. After yesterday, I'm not even sure it'd be wise to contact Vecks about any part of this (or at all, but anyway).

There's also the question of why I'm doing this. David Levitz is the only person I know who might be able to install Remy in a new body, if I'm able to obtain one. I don't want to kill some hapless stranger for the sake of giving their body to Remy.
Is helping kill Julian to secure David's cooperation any different?
I want to say no. Maybe the only difference is that the stain stays on my hands that way, and Remy, Leon, and Wren never need to know about it. Maybe it won't be the same if I don't need to stare at the face of the person I iced every time I talk to my best friend. I don't know.

I need to sleep.

- A.

 

I can try to convince David to try to craft an organic/synthetic body for Remy, akin to what he did for Julian. We'd still need to find the organic parts, though.
I can try to convince Lorem to help me find someone who can craft an android body for Remy, akin to Ion. No organic parts.
We can find a live person willing to let themselves be subjected to brain surgery (by David) and taken over by Remy.
We can find a Glitch willing to allow Remy to overwrite them.

The last two are too close to murder.

The first one still involves murder, to a degree, but I didn't tell them that.

The second might involve murder, depending on what I'm asked to do. Lorem had a task he demanded of me before he'd help me find the servers I needed (which I ended up obtaining my way instead). If I ask for his help with this... I don't know what he'll ask. No matter what it is, though, am I really in a position to refuse? I don't know anyone else who can help us. I don't want to resort to any of the other options.
I don't want Remy to have to settle for any of them, either. I've gone through too much to end up forcing my best friend to walk around in the body of a murder victim.

If I do end up getting Lorem's help, it'll make other things easier... I won't have to worry about putting Vecks at risk by getting him caught up in David Levitz's scheming. I won't have to worry about him changing his mind about being on my side (for a given value of "on my side"). I won't have to worry about the way he'll look at me after I've knowingly led someone who trusts me (or did) to his death.
Vecks said trust was more important to him than money.
I wonder if he wishes he was a better judge of character yet.


And then, once we were all done discussing murder, subterfuge, and the questionable morality of getting Remy a new body, Leon, Wren, Remy, and I watched cartoons and ate pancakes.
Amazing that such an island of humanity(/artificial intelligence/Avianity) can exist at a time like this.
I worry so much for them, about what all of this stress might be doing to them... but I always end up surprised by just how resilient they are.
I worry because I'm afraid I'll end up having to protect them (whether it's from people like Yung, or just people who try to cut them down the way others do to Remy), and I know I'm not going to be able to fight their battles for them.
The truth is, though, they're probably going to end up being a bigger help to me than I could ever be to them.

I guess Danien knew what he was talking about when he said it's the little things that'll save us all.

- A.

 

Yung's escaped.
When I doubted that he'd acted alone (how could he have?), I was right... Turns out he had a whole gang ready to bust him out of prison and rack up a hell of a body count while they did it.

Why can't I ever be right about anything good?

Vecks was the one who told me about it. Coldly, dispassionately, like I was listening to a recording calmly explain the various ways in which my world was now going to go to shit. He'd started telling me in the bar, but all I heard was "Yung broke out" and I was off and running to beam back to my ship. On a practical level, I knew the boys were fine. But how in the hell could I think practically after hearing that?
Of course, they were still asleep (or defragging, I'm not sure what Remy does when he's inactive) when I made it back.

Vecks had followed me, which was kind but unnecessary. Tried to help me come up with some kind of coherent plot to figure out the extent of Yung's resources and what size army he had on his side. I know I wasn't much use in that regard-- all I could see were the worst-case scenarios. I even mentioned possibly using Danien as a liaison of sorts, which I'm sure went over well. Vecks didn't seem to have much of a reaction when I explained who Dan was and what he tends to get himself involved with, and only belatedly did I realized I'd just described a scenario where I use someone's trust and former feelings for me to get information (good job not making yourself look completely morally bankrupt, A. Really). Still... I doubt Dan would jump into the fray as eagerly for me now as he may once have, so the entire point's probably moot.

Then the conversation moved on to David. I told Vecks about the options for getting Remy a new body (which he's going to need, now. He can't defend himself well as a ball)-- two I wouldn't consider until and unless they were the only ones left, and two that seemed at least a little less morally objectionable. Of course, securing David's cooperation means leading Julian to his almost certain slow death... So, score two for me using someone who used to trust me in order to achieve a goal. I tried to rationalize it. I told Vecks it wasn't as bad as murdering someone so Remy could have a body again. I told him that I'd carry the guilt of what I'd end up doing with me. I also told him that I loved Remy more than I cared about living with the remorse.
It assuaged some of my feelings. But I still couldn't look at him while I explained it.
He asked me if there was anyone I wouldn't kill for Remy's sake, which was almost insulting... Remy's practically family, but Vecks knows about Leon. How could he think I'd gleefully slaughter my way through anyone and everything I knew for the sake of getting Remy a body? There are some people I care for at least as much as I care about Remy. There are some people who are just off-limits because of who they are (I might not know Wren well, but how the hell could I put a bullet between the eyes of a kid who's trusting me to keep them safe and housed for the time being?)
So I gave him a list. I don't know what he thought about it.

Things took a weird turn after that.
I've had situations before where I've strategically pretended to "miss" bits of a conversation just to avoid having to respond to them. I don't think I've ever had to plea deafness as often or as thoroughly as I did here.
He accused me of making assumptions about him. Said it was no different than me getting irritated with him for making assumptions about me without bothering to ask first. I told him he shouldn't stick around just to be offended.
I'm not sure I really followed everything he was trying to say, every analogy he was trying to give. Tuning things out doesn't lend itself well to explication.

He's still wrong, though. Or at least very mistaken.
He outright told me, long ago, how much importance he places on trust. Whatever he thinks he's doing, I know that's what he's after (among other things, maybe, but he's probably no different than any other guy I've known in that regard) even if he doesn't acknowledge it. What better target than someone with her own weird little "circle of trust"?
Maybe he's ended up confusing it for something else, but it is what it is.
I've seen people mistake less for more.

There were a couple of times where he'd pause for awhile, as though he wanted a response. He didn't get one.
I'm not sure either of us really wanted to deal with the kind of conversation that me saying, "You're wrong," would've resulted in.
Eventually I just stopped talking entirely.

Losing a bet and a bowl of cereal saved me after that. Vecks ate, Wren woke up, Leon texted me about popsicles, and I don't think I've ever been so relieved to have my day spin right back around into the strange brand of chaos that it usually does. Even trying to explain the Yung situation to Wren and Leon went better than I anticipated... which is kind of upsetting in its own way, really. Have these kids been through so much that the news that a violent murderer being on the lose doesn't even raise an eyebrow?
It'll be different when I have to explain it to Remy.
I'm just hoping Leon or Wren don't carelessly spill the news first. This has to be approached very, very tactfully, and I still have no idea how the hell I'm going to do it.

- A.

 

Now that I've been around more (i.e., not in the hospital), it's amazing how much has changed... and how much it keeps changing.
Not for the better, either.

There are whisperings of a revolution on LM. It doesn't even seem like the residents are the ones involved, either-- I've seen them. They want to wake up in the morning, go to work, stop for a beer, go home to their families, and lead placid, uninteresting lives.
All of this started once the Cabaret and the Mills became inexplicably popular, maybe a couple weeks after I stumbled on the place. Suddenly, it went from a pretty mundane industrial colony to the sight of more shootings and violence than you could shake a stick at.
This isn't because of the residents.
The people who come through the Cabaret want to go home and wash the coal dust off of their hands, not pull triggers.

It seems like the Solari and Zelena families let the Holy Fleet in... I guess if anyone has the authority to, it's them. Knowing what I know about the Families, I can see why. The Fleet's an army-- coordinated, well-equipped. I don't even think they're charging the Families to be here acting as the colony's law enforcement, and the idea of a free, trained police force would definitely appeal to people like Lazarus and Hazekiah.
And with every incident that happens, the Fleet grinds the colony down a little more. Now there are checkpoints... barricades, soldiers on every corner. It's easy enough to get by them if you keep your nose clean, but who wants to live like this? Who wants to explain to their children that they're growing up under martial law because a bunch of unremitting, uninformed morons with hero complexes decided they needed to be "saved"?

The people who live here don't. Of course, the tryhard wannabe revolutionaries don't know that. If they do, they obviously don't care. Every time they hassle the Fleet, every time another skirmish occurs, it just makes things go from bad to worse. I don't know why people who don't even live here feel like they need to "save" the citizens (from what? Police here to protect them from the sudden outbreak of violent crime? What the fuck is wrong with these people?), but they're feeding their hero complexes with the blood of the people who get caught in the crossfire.
And at the end of the day, once the smoke clears, the revolutionaries get to go to a home that isn't occupied by a foreign army.
The citizens don't have that luxury.

Fuck the heroes.
May their first day in hell last ten thousand years, and may that one be the shortest.

- A.

 

((
))

The whisperings are a dull roar, now.

I don't even know what to say to all of the starnet posts anymore. At first I responded with vitriol, but now all I can manage is a kind of exhausted disgust.

There are calls for people and businesses to pull out of Liberty Mills. While it's definitely no skin off my nose if they do, all of these calls labor under the sad misapprehension that the problems the Mills is suffering came from anywhere other than outside. As though this place is somehow different from all of the other colonies with bad reputations that came before it.

It's even been called a "churning pit of crime," which is spectacularly ironic, and it's been said that if it is "lost" then the galaxy won't be losing anything of value. It's a manufacturing and mining colony. One of the richest sources of refined durasteel (among other metals) in the sector, from what I've gathered.
These assertions are also ignoring the fact that if outsiders actually began leaving the Mills... the crime rate would improve dramatically. Hells, Solari and Zelena probably wouldn't even have reason to keep the Fleet here if that happened.

What I want to know is... What do these people think is going to happen if their suggestions are heeded? The Mills doesn't exist in a vacuum.
If it's a churning pit of crime, all that's going to happen after the perpetrators of those crimes go inflict themselves upon another planet is that it will become the next hive of violence. And so on, so on, ad infinitum, until the criminals either give up or every colony they move to after the Mills imposes their own peacekeeping force. Or worse, decays into vigilantism.
Seriously. If these posters are afraid of what martial law has done here, then they should be absolutely terrified of what they're actually suggesting.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” - Tolstoy

- A.

 

((
))

Alright, I give.

I know what I need to do. There have been enough indicators.
I guess the galaxy isn't giving me a choice. I should be used to this.

Time to be smart about this.
Someone has to have some finesse, and it's becoming abundantly clear that it isn't going to be one of them.

God damn it.
If I had lower expectations for the galaxy, I'd be disappointed far less often.

- A.

 

If it isn't one thing, it's another.

Vecks decided to collect on his share of the voxel-pile David left in my custody (which I still feel weird about spending... It's not like it was legally obtained, exactly, and David very explicitly warned me to be careful not to leave too much of a trail when I used it). Which, fine. He's definitely earned it.
Hell, when he told me what he wanted to use it for, I kicked in a good-sized chunk of my own share. Definitely won't hurt having a nice, defensible little hidey-hole carved out where nobody's likely to stumble on it (and will get lit the hell up if they do).

Especially considering the disturbing news Leon decided to drop on me. At first I was pissed off that he decided to go talk to Yung without telling anyone (if he wanted to go, that's on him... he's still a kid, but he's not dumb. Still, a warning would have been nice. What if something went wrong?), but the information he brought back kind of eclipses that...
Apparently the RA and Empire are joining up and planning some kind of assault on the Mills, from what I gather.

The smart thing to do would be to hightail it out of there and find another planet to lay low on, but I'm not sure that's wise right now.
For one, the Empire and the RA are either comprised of, or have the support and cooperation of, a lot of other planets. Judging by Tarl's one post on StarNet, there are any number of other planets and organizations that can end up involved in the fray. This puts a limit on the number of places I'd be comfortable hiding out on. If we went to a relatively uninhabited planet, we might be safe... but we wouldn't have a hospital, a water treatment facility, or access to a safe, constant supply of food.
They're small things. Luxuries, in a lot of places. But I've seen what happens when you don't have them.
I'm not letting that happen again.

Secondly, if we did move to another planet, we don't know where they'll strike next if this thing blows up. It becomes a choice of taking our chances on a planet without a sturdy apocalypse-bunker and hoping we won't have to defend ourselves, or taking our chances on a planet that will almost definitely get invaded but at least offers us a fighting chance.

The thing is, one of the first things that the Mills will probably get hit with is a blockade. That means that my ship isn't going to be able to safely stay in orbit... and neither is Remy's brain. So, do we move the ship somewhere else and hope for the best, or do we try to move his servers into the bunker?

Leon wants me to go with him into the wild. We've both come through it, we could pull it off for awhile. But when he talks about it, all I see are Jaime and Tania...
I can't force Leon to stay with me. I can't conscience letting him do something I've deemed too unsafe to do myself, either.

Leon also isn't the only one I have to worry about... If this has anything to do with the Holy Fleet, Wren could be in danger just for being an Avian. Remy's in danger because his "brain" is housed separately from his body. And Vecks... I don't know what Vecks is going to do. He'll probably want to stay in the bunker (he wanted it built for a reason, didn't he? No sense running away from it at the first sign it might actually have to be used), but I won't can't stay just for him.

That's a whole other kettle of fish, though.
How do you deter someone who's completely confident they can overcome anything?
Someone for whom denial doesn't seem to matter. For every reason you give them for not doing something, they have three more for why they shouldn't listen to you.
Like, someone who's totally certain that they can change your mind if you'd just give them the chance to do it.
Maybe that's why I don't want to, though. I don't know.
He's come too close to doing it already.
I'm not getting suckered like that again.


Speaking of suckered!

THEY STOLE MY FUCKING SHIP also my dog and probably all of my food.

Apparently some guy in a horsemask was hassling Wren? Wren had Remy with him, so they both panicked and beamed up to my ship... Which, okay, fine. Sensible. I'd've done the same.
This does not explain why Remy, Wren, Leon, and Hawk decided to fly my ship two goshfucking sectors away.

I just kept getting hysterical texts and radio calls from them. Vecks actually managed to get through and get coordinates out of someone, so he gave me a ride to Alioth Prime to find my ship and dole out beatings.
Well, not really. The boys did get hell of scolded, though-- I talked sternly to whichever one was available at the time, while Vecks tracked down and retrieved the others.
I'm not sure how I apparently ended up with a small, multispecies herd of gay teenaged sons, but figuring that out is, perhaps, the least of my concerns right now. I'm also not sure when Vecks ended up pressed into service as a substitute parental figure either, but whatever.
They're safe. The ship's safe. My dog's safe. The horsemasked man will be dealt with if he pops up again.

- A.

 

((
))

What am I doing

What have I done?

- A.

 

Mierda, I don't know where to begin.

I mean, it isn't that I haven't been busy. The opposite, I guess? There's just been so much... I don't have nearly as much time for self-indulgent whining as I used to. Ergo, nothing to write.
There's time now, though, and I guess I've got enough ground to cover...

Leon's taken up cosplaying. It's good for a kid to have a hobby (besides making pancakes. I find pancake one on the ceiling here, and we are going to talk). Some assbag popped him in the face, though-- broke his nose. He'll be fine, though it doesn't look like it's going to heal perfectly straight.

Wren has been through a hell of a lot, as per usual. Some Stargazer got ahold of him and, from the sound of things, forced him into self-injury. Vecks and I patched him up as best as we could and got him to the hospital... He didn't want to stay there, though (not that it was easy to figure out, the poor kid could barely speak), so we brought him back to the ship to keep an eye on him. He stayed in the medbay, we stayed around so at least one of us was always in earshot. Once he was less in shock, we brought him down to the bunker. He seems to be better now, but I'm sure it's going to be a process.

Remy... I don't know where to start. He's excited about becoming a "real boy." I haven't told him what that means I'll have to do. I don't know if he'd be okay with it. I don't know if I want to know if he would.
All I know is that he's in Levitz's hands now, and I will not get him back until I have delivered Julian to him.
Too late to back out now. I've made my bed, and I've no choice but to lie in it.

Vecks, I don't know where to begin with either. We have a bunker that's growing more full of people every day, it feels like. We have separate rooms, connected by a staircase. It's so weird. Everything seems so normal when I'm actually around him. It's only when we're away from each other for a bit that I realize how completely, irrevocably in over my head I am.

Dre seems to have settled into the bunker well, as far as I can tell. I don't see him very often (usually just when everyone's gathered around the holoscreen to place bottlecap bets on televised fights or watch movies), but nothing's exploded. So, bonus.

There's a girl named Abbie here (Abby? Abbey? One of those) now. She seems nice, I guess, though shy. I think I've only spoken to her for a grand total of thirty seven seconds... I never know what to say to the shy ones.

There are more here, too-- Moony and Hawk. I don't see them often. I guess I've been too wrapped up in my life and my people to really pay much attention to anything else.

- A.

 

Every day is exactly the same.
Okay, that isn't fair-- most of them were, when I decided it was time to leave Liberty Mills for a little while. Hell, left life in general for more than a little while. I didn't want to hear from anyone. There are days when I still don't, as much as I wish I knew whether Leon and Remy and Wren were doing okay.

I can still see the rows of server lights blinking, so I know Remy is alive somewhere. If anything happens to him, he can be brought back again... Though I've used up my favor from Levitz, and I cannot put myself in his debt again. Remy'd have to be content being a holoprojection for awhile again until I found another way, I guess.
Look at this. It's so long after the fact that I look at these words and wonder how they even make sense anymore. Then I try to erase everything and write it again, as if I can write myself a world where Remy and Leon are safe, Wren never needed medication, and Julian is still alive.

Vecks stayed behind. It's a strange thing to call it, but I don't know what other words to use. He's still here, still as much himself as I think he ever was, and seeing it makes me want to sink my claws in even deeper to the bits of myself that still have familiar edges.

I feel like I should've written more between the last thing I wrote and now. I don't feel like I've had much to write.
I think that's going to change.

-a.