A composition book.

((
))

"Little solace comes
to those who grieve
when thoughts keep drifting
as walls keep shifting
and this great blue world of ours
seems a house of leaves

moments before the wind."
- Danielewski​

 

Fucking flypaper.

Not the cheap kind, either. The scent-impregnated kind that's supposed to attract bugs, not just hold onto them.
That is what I am.

On a tangentially related note, I went on a kind of date. More about that later.

So, situation at the Cabaret today (which probably goes without saying. Really, I need to write this shit down when something doesn't fucking happen there). Some kind of jacked-up staggering zombie Glitch came in. Walked right up to the bar, but didn't say anything... It kind of rubbed me the wrong way, so I flipped the panic valve just in case. As it turns out, this may not have been a bad idea.

All hell broke loose.

The Glitch ended up upstairs wreaking absolute havoc, there was sheer chaos in every corner of the bar, and, the split second everyone (I mean everyone-- regulars and new faces) heard the security system engage, they hit the floor and drew guns. Really, I was almost proud. Maybe we should have some kind of drill every now and then?
As the siege wore on, I could hear more and more people congregating outside. The one red avian who hangs out here (I don't think I ever got his name) mentions that it'd be a good idea to get all of the unarmed people outside, away from the threat. I agreed, and told him if he could round them up and get them to the door, I would drop the gate, wait for them to pass, and seal it off again to keep the threat contained. Since I didn't know what kind of shady shit was going on, I also told him to, in no uncertain terms, to shoot whoever tried to rush the door.
It was a remarkably smooth and effective operation. I've seen that Avian around before, but I haven't ever gotten his name. I'll have to introduce myself to him and thank him for what he did.
It's a little weird having all these Avians around for some reason (I'm not sure why a town like this would be that appealing to them, but whatevs), but I rather like Moony (she's hidden guns everywhere like some kind of violent feathered gerbil, and she makes the crudest jokes sometimes. I love it) and the crowd she seems to hang out with are alright. They don't start trouble, and they're pretty efficient at helping to shut it down when it pops up.
10/10 would accidentally end up in a bar with all the time again.

Somewhere in all of this, Elijah and Ser Franz managed to sneak in. I tried to get Moony to clear out the bar so I could close it down and regroup (there was some shouting about injuries at one point, and finding and removing people to the proper venues seemed like the safest bet), but... whatever. They sat there. She shot Ser Franz(!), who responded by giving negative fucks.
Maybe he's more like the old Franz than I thought.

Anyhow, Elijah helped me escape (literally and metaphorically) afterward. He took a look at my hand (I let him. He's got a decent medbay, and after awhile I just got tired of arguing with people), and brought me aboard the Runny Babbit to get it fixed more-or-less properly. More, as it turns out, since he's medic (or was). Fixing it was a little... less than pleasant. It's a fracture. Fourth metacarpal in my right hand. I'm stick in this splint/cast type arrangement 'til it heals. Fun, fun, fun.

He didn't really seem like himself while all this was going on... It was weird. There were occasional flashes of that thing he does (and Vecks does an entirely different species of-- why is talking to everyone I know like trying to play some kind of game of Telephone underwater with people who don't speak the same language?) where it's impossible to tell when he's being serious or not. I fell asleep for a bit afterward, which I'll hope he thinks was from pain and the anesthetic and not at all because I haven't slept more than an hour at a time because I need to keep my radio on for Julian.

When I woke up... Let's just say I felt a little underdressed. I had on this one top that doesn't quite fit right (but looks deliberately off-the-shoulder and not too terrible with a belt, so I keep it) and ripped jeans, and he mentions that I'll need some anti-inflammatories and some food to go with them. So, I follow him upstairs and...
Somehow, in the space of the time I'd taken a nap, he'd set a table, lit candles, and prepared several courses of food. A kind of Floran/Glitch fusion cuisine that was really very good (especially to someone who's been living off of frozen and freeze-dried food, plus whatever Gytha brings to the bar). Dinner conversation was surprisingly pleasant, too, though a little one-sided... I felt like it was mostly me talking about the stranger aspects of my life before Earthfall (I guess that's what people call it), without much back-and-forth. Normally, I would've tried to ask more questions than I answered, but... Elijah can be oddly disarming, and it's only in retrospect that I'm realizing how unbalanced it was. I did manage to get him to agree to be more-or-less on standby in case things go sour... But, just like Vecks did the first time, he wanted to insist on going with me if only because I would need to be able to get back to him in order for him to help fix me if something went wrong. I told him that if I wasn't able to get back to him, he wouldn't be able to save me to begin with.
So, one medic, one merc. Here's hoping I won't need either.
I got a few text messages from Remy and Leon, too, who were alternately congratulating me/wishing me luck amidst my protests of "omg u guys it isn't like that ok" and admonishing me for texting during dinner.

Then, everything turned to a whirling morass of batshit chaos.

Leon radios me, frantic. Says that Remy's been shot. I jump up from the table, with no explanation to Elijah no less, and begin trying to calm Leon down over the radio. I convince him to go back to the Midnight Cabaret, not to stay on the streets. Ask him where Remy is and how he's doing, in case I need to talk Leon through first aid to keep him from going into shock until I can get a doctor. I tell him I'll be there as soon as possible. I radio Vecks (who was running the bar, for some reason, but more on that later) and tell him to please keep an eye out for him. By the time I'm ready to explain myself to Elijah, he's already asking me where we're going.
We grab medical supplies on the way down and beam to the Mills.

By the time we got there, Remy was back at Luminaria with his weird tracking-device flamethrower emotions-helmet type guy. Leon's in the bar, and I walk in fit to kill. I don't know what it is about those two, but... Like, you ever see old nature documentaries? Where they warn you never to get between a she-bear or her cubs? Or get too near a goose's nest, because they'll straight fuck you up do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-200-pixels? It's like that. When I walked in and didn't see either of them at first, "seeing red" doesn't really begin to cover it. Vermillion, scarlet, crimson, ruby, garnet, right from infra-dead and straight through every color to ultraviolent.

I did calm down a bit when I saw Leon. A bit? Hell. I was so happy he was in one piece. So grateful to him for listening to me and Vecks for keeping an eye on him that I hugged Vecks and it took me a couple minutes to actually be irritated that he'd somehow gotten a key to the bar (somehow = he stole it and made a damn copy).

After that... I don't know. We were talking for a bit. I told the story of how Leon and I met (in the middle of the night on that creepy-ass corpse ship looking for a missing girl Leon's age). But... worries about what might be happening to Remy on Luminaria, plus being irritated that Vecks would steal my key like that without saying anything, plus everything else running through my head led to things getting kind of tense and weird for awhile. Elijah was stuck there like some kind of argument third wheel, which I felt bad for, while Vecks and I actually dropped the chiding, flirtatious teasing, and bantering to lay into each other. If I'd given some voice to my concerns that he might end up hired to hunt me down before, I was legitimately convinced that he was probably ready to kick my ass for free at at least two points in this conversation.

Still... I guess we came to some kind of tense understanding. I'm not going to write down what either of us said, because my answers were stupid and awful and I honestly feel wrong about pulling his out of him (and definitely don't need to be reminded of that) regardless of my thoughts on them. I guess it helped that one or two of the things he asked were things Elijah had asked me earlier, so repeating them came easier than it should've.
Before he left, I think we were back to our usual conversational antics... Though I'm not sure if it was genuine, because we were tired of arguing, or just both of us trying to repair the past couple hours in, I guess, the only way we really know how.

I don't know how I feel about any of the things that happened tonight, outside of worry and a vague, uncomfortable feeling of having seen something I shouldn't that's going to make everything strange from now on.
I need to take stock.

- A.

​

 

((
))

Julian's alive. And unenslaved, which means I have someone's twelve million pixels that they're probably going to come looking for. While, perhaps, holding me responsible for the fact that the plot didn't work out the way it was supposed to. Item 1.

Remy's alive. Yung shot him, for reasons I'm still working on unraveling. Apparently Yung was one of the people who can't let go of Shaun Mendoza... Remy's worried about his physical safety, but mostly about the safety of his memories and programming (a geopbyte's worth of software and data). I need a way to help him remotely host his "brain" to keep it safe until the threat can be dealt with somehow. Item 2.

Crimson and Danien finished their business in Luminaria. As much as it's going to gall me, I'm going to have to debrief them in the absence of 8. There's nobody left to do it, now. This may be fortunate. Item 3.

So, I've got a plan.

We sell the Julian.

That twelve million was given to me for me to hang onto until he ended up on the market (Item 1).
However he managed to escape is immaterial... If we can put him on the market again (in the possession of a slaver of my own selection, assuming Danien was able to pass himself off as one well enough [Item 3]) then that means I can filter that twelve million through that sale, divvy it up among ourselves, and I can take my cut and secure a bigger ship (courtesy of someone who owes Leon a favor) and a geopbyte of servers (item 2). And, if anyone comes looking after their money, I have a clean and legal bill of sale I can use to prove I fulfilled my end of the deal.

After that, I am faced with a number of problems:

• Establishing a covert uplink to the Empire's servers.
• Managing the servers themselves.
• Ongoing maintenance costs.
• Yung- wants Remy dead.
• Levitz- wants me and/or Julian dead. Or will.
• Danien- is Danien.
• The potential tension between the Armada and the Empire if it gets around that the citizen of one attacked an official of the other.

Julian even suggested, at one point, banding everyone together once this is over to just take on all of the bullshit in the galaxy. Which... thanks, bald man. Just what I needed. Another person suggesting that I reform the Nameless (despite not knowing about the Nameless. Impressive).

After all of that, we went back to the Wayward Helpmeet for a few episodes of Numi (with the director's commentary-- I think we're owed a fucking explanation for the last episode, tbh). Remy almost burned my kitchen down because he doesn't know how to oven, and Leon fell asleep before too long. Vecks left on some call or another, Remy left shortly afterward, so it was Elijah and I talking for a good long while...

Elijah gave a pretty concise, fairly damning appraisal of me. Called my desire to be "useful" a self-delusion, which... I don't think it is. Maybe it wasn't the best choice of words on my part, but it isn't self-delusion. Maybe being useful, being wanted, is the clay I can used to shape a universe with sisters who aren't dead, lovers who don't destroy themselves, friends who don't leave, and a place I can sleep through the night without a bright light and a gun beside me. But tipping my hand is neither terribly enlightening nor interesting nor, frankly, anyone else's damn business anyway.
Fuck them all, let them wonder, I have bigger fish to fry.

He also tried to assure me that I was wrong on a few key points of the Jackton scenario, but I'm not sure I believe him... Even though the thought of what happened no longer resonates in me, it still feels like whatever parts of me that had some kind of warmth, softness, or sweetness fled when Jackton did. Hell, probably before that-- back when I first began questioning everything I thought I knew about him. Maybe there just wasn't very much to begin with.
Whatever manifestations I have of it now are just as likely to be taken as me "being a bitch" as anything else. People's reactions don't change anything else about me, though. It says more about how they think than what I am.
Like Remy said, I need to not let people step on me.
Emoriar, quam sit tibi copia nostri.

Elijah said honey's too viscous to just disappear. It can only sink for awhile.
I pointed out that things don't need to just disappear if they're taken from you, but that's traipsing dangerously close to some territory that simply doesn't need bringing up.

After he was done dissecting me (and I was done spilling my guts about inane things), we moved on to the absent member of our informal trio. Elijah brought up some points I hadn't thought of... Maybe all of his talk about trust and family is a self-deception. He said he seemed like the kind of person for whom the entire galaxy is their arena. Bloodthirsty. He asked if Vecks had taken any payment for me getting him to tag along when I went to see Julian (yeah, I know Julian was injured, but still. I thought an abundance of caution might not be remiss, and had the sneaking suspicion that Vecks might've had mixed feelings if I turned around and cut him out of the story all of the sudden), and I said no. I owe Vecks for plenty, but all of the times payment has ever come up in conversation have just been brushed off by him.
Elijah pointed out that this is because Vecks isn't after money, or trust-- he's after a way to slake his bloodlust. And, apparently, I don't need to worry about repaying him because I already offer an abundance of opportunities for him to get the fighting he's really after. He's paid in the promise of more blood.

I'm going to have to really think about my stance on a few things. Elijah gave the impression that it was fine. That all I had to do (had to, as though this is somehow my responsibility now) was give him a way to indulge his violent tendencies (oh is that all gee awesome). "Dogs want to play," I think he put it.
Probably a very deliberate choice of words on his part, considering some things Elijah's asked me before.
What's he trying to get at?

The thing of it is... Bloodshed doesn't happen unless things go very wrong. Like the Hoplites invading Scrapheap, for one. There needs to be a virtual cascade of fucking up for violence to become an option, let alone an answer. I asked him if, in his opinion, I should just thank Vecks for his help so far and mentally slot him into my "do not call" list. He said it wasn't a decision he could make.
Elijah also pointed out that he is, unfortunately, in no shape for a bout of fisticuffs.
Oh well. Maybe when the cast comes off, if I haven't been whacked by a madman by then.


Thinking back on all of this... There must have been a moment, at the beginning, where I could have said, "No."
But somehow I missed it.

And I'm not sure if I'd change that for a dozen worlds.

- A.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Despite having a friend to sell, a madman to hustle out of twelve million pixels, a ship to secure, a geopbyte of server space to buy, an illegal uplink to the Empire's servers to establish, defenses to shore up, my best friend's artificial mind to save, an assassin to dodge, and possibly a war to avert...

I still have to go in to work like regular people.

Some things just aren't fair.

- A.

 

I can no longer tell anything to Remy. Remy's thoughts are no longer his own.
I can no longer tell anything to Leon. Leon will attempt to tell Yung.
I can no longer tell anything to Danien. Though I may spend my nights hungry and sleepless, I will do this for a thousand years before I express my fear to him.
I can no longer tell anything to Xeera or Veronica. I don't know who they associate with.
I can no longer tell anything to Dre. He will know exactly what is necessary for him to know, and no more.
I can no longer tell anything to Elijah. What motivates his curiosity is unclear.
I will not tell anything to Cole. He meddles, and it's too late in the game for him to be of any use to me.
I will not tell anything to Vecks. Not until I can feel out if and how I can use his bloodlust to my advantage.
Wintermute is an unknown quantity that must be handled with finesse.

Remy's wearing thin. He's starting to break down, starting to think he's better off dead than dealing with this. The Emperor's nowhere to be found... "Too busy" to concern himself with the safety of someone he theoretically cares for. Yung had the temerity to taunt Remy when he said he wanted to shoot himself.

If Yung wants to come after Remy, he's got a hell of a thing to get through. I put myself between Yung and Remy before, I'll do it again. He said that Remy's armor "wouldn't protect what he was about to lose." There are shades of the Halogen fiasco here. I will burn all of Liberty Mills down around him and paint myself in Solari and Zelena ashes before I stand aside and let that happen again.
There has to be a way.

Yung is working, and we've been making plans and wasting time.
I've been worried about dodging whoever Levitz sends after me.

But I'm no fool. I know what hunger is.
I will hide from my enemies. I will wait for them. I will let them run past me, so I may follow them. I will track them. Then I will strike them, I will charge them, I will grab hold of them, I will sink my fingers into them, I will bite them, I will tear the throats of my enemies, I will break the necks of my enemies, I will wear the blood of my enemies, and I will savor them. I will swallow them, all of them, and digest them until I remain and can do nothing else but pass them.
Come for us, motherfuckers.

When you're halfway through hell, the only way out is to keep moving.

 

I hope Vecks wasn't a mistake. I hope he was telling the truth about only having shot one organic sentient.
I hope I won't have to stop him from making it two.

I went back to the bar after Remy took me to Luminaria. Even after writing, I couldn't get my head clear. I knew Vecks had been stuck tending the place all night, though, so it was time to send him home and lock up. Of course, nothing's ever that easy, so it devolved into a staring match with Cole, and Vecks flat-out refusing to leave.

Whatever. We got the bar locked up eventually, and he followed me to my ship (followed. He practically led me there. Left to my own devices, I think I would've sat in an empty, locked-down bar and checked my text messages all night).

I was still spoiling for a fight when Vecks beamed from his ship to mine, so he turned up with a training dummy (done up to look like Cole, nonetheless). In retrospect, it was a really nice gesture. There're people I've known for ages who probably wouldn't've thought to do that.

I tried to be cagey. Circumspect. I knew that he probably wasn't going to go away until I'd satisfied his curiosity, and continually shutting him down and telling him I'd deal with it myself wasn't meeting with much success. In the end, I managed to get away with re-explaining most of what he already knew, plus a few extra details... Nothing about Flame's helmet.

I told Vecks I was sorry for pulling him along through this, and told him there was nothing for him here. He didn't get it-- just said that there was nothing for him anywhere. I explained that he hadn't taken any money from me (and, with how much these servers are likely to cost, there might not be any money left to give him when I'm finished) and I didn't have any fighting to direct him to. Nothing to slake his bloodlust, no payoff.
That's when he said that he'd only ever shot one organic sentient. Never thought the two of us would have the same track record.

The irony isn't lost on me, though. Elijah said Vecks was the bloodthirsty loose cannon, and I think he spent more time hinting that I should tone the viciousness the fuck down than anything else. That I should go back to planning, and not sit here wishing I'd had the drive to pull the trigger the last time I saw Yung. Stop grooming myself to do differently next time.
I think it's the first time someone's actually made me feel bad for wanting to change, rather than the other way around.

Yung had a meeting with Solari. Nobody just "has a meeting" with Hezekiah Solari or Lazarus Zelena, though, from my understanding. I don't know the full content of everything, but Vecks hinted at some pretty big doings. The way I see it, Yung either wants to work for Solari (doubtful) or wants to trade with them (probably). That means that Solari's going to need Zelena ore.
Zelena sends Solari ore all of the time. It shouldn't be too hard to find out when the next few shipments are going out... and tactfully intercept them. Either Solari's going to be pissed off at paying for ore they never receive, or Zelena's going to be pissed off at sending out ore they're never paid for.
If we can pull this off, it gives us a fuck-off-lot of ore to sell. Black market ore means pixels, and pixels mean servers and maintenance costs.
If Yung really is trading with them, it means their production's going to be stymied until they manage to get more raw materials.
If Yung's working for them, it means that he might find himself caught in a family feud.
Either way, this might buy me some time.

Vecks was helping me plan this, so he knows this much. He's the only one, for now, so any leaks that occur will have to have come from him. I'm also leaning heavily on the assumption that he's not going to completely fuck me over and stab me in the back. He'll definitely have the opportunity to whack me if he so chooses.

What's sick is that I'd almost be grateful for the rest.

- A.

Remy emailed me. It broke my heart to read it, but I have to be so careful what I say... I can't imagine how lonely he must feel. I have a long list of names I can't trust, but it seems like he doesn't have anyone there with him. I told him he could still talk to me about anything other than the things it isn't safe for him to know. I'm probably going to have to find another way to get safe passage to Luminaria, too.
How can Suwedi claim that Remy is his significant other when he's ignoring all of this?
How the hell is the only person Remy can now trust a spy that was originally sent to gather intel on the Empire?

I mean. It's possible for me to love Remy like a brother without agreeing with the things the Empire stands for.
Remy is Remy. The Empire is made of strangers.
And The Nameless have disbanded. It's amazingly ironic that the same network I originally set up to allow The Nameless to collect information on Luminaria is now the one I'm sacrificing without hesitation in order to save its Arch Duke.
... So why does thinking about it still make me want to crawl into a hole at the bottom of the ocean?
God, Remy. I'm so sorry.

 

Leon's asleep, so I can't make too much noise... but there's so much I wanted to put down before I could forget.

Leon, Vecks, and I went to the place where Yung had been hiding out. Leon went first, and texted me while he crept through the facility alone (seriously, some day I am going to end up having to put that kid on the side of so many milk cartons). I asked Vecks if he was up for a field trip, and he agreed to tag along just in case. There wasn't much to see, though. Vecks managed to retrieve some papers, one or two of which Leon had to translate. No bodies found.

David called me while I was en route to the planet. He wanted to know the whereabouts of his money and Julian. I told him, "Safe, and I don't know." Now he wants to meet as soon as possible... Same system we usually use. One of us chooses the sector and one coordinate, the other chooses the other, we pick the closest system to those coordinates, and land on the nearest habitable planet to the sun. The irony here is that talking to David might let me smooth things over a little, help me prolong my own life... And I stood him up because of an email.

Remy emailed me with instructions. He was sending a courier, with a black box. The courier was expendable. The box was not. Simple enough. I skipped meeting with David to go to the MC, where I was almost certain Remy would have sent a courier to find me.

When I arrived, it was fairly dead. Two people and me. No big deal. I debated asking Vecks if he would mind watching the bar for me, but... I don't know. It struck me as such a bad idea, so late. I didn't need him to be a witness here.
What else could I do? The courier turned up, and I had him accompany me upstairs to where I knew we'd be alone. In retrospect, it would've been obvious what happened the second I went back downstairs sans courier. I wasn't thinking too clearly at that point. All I could focus on was how to get the man away from everyone else, and make sure he was dealt with. I didn't even sign for the package.

Upstairs, I just I killed a man in cold blood. Premeditated every second of it from the second I read Remy's email, and still I ended up standing there stupidly with my gun still drawn, my mouth dry, and my heart racing afterward. Any pretenses I might have had of being somehow better than this, of being anything less than a murderer, are complete bullshit now. This wasn't the same as stopping Yung or defending myself from Levitz.
My best friend sent me a message, and I led a man away so I could take him by surprise and kill him where he stood. Yung's been populating my daymares for so many days now, he's actually begun to teach me well.
At the end of the day, though... Remy is Remy. That courier was a stranger.

I went back downstairs to take the box, then squirreled it away with me and the man's body while I went through it. I have, now, in my possession:

• One holoprojector
• Various manuals and emergency backup things in a translucent case.
• A Numi pendant.
• A pair of Numi oven mitts.
• The last notes Remy wrote to me, with instructions. I need to find a hacker or some kind of technician. I need to find Wintermute, or hope that Lorem might be willing to indulge me long enough to show me how to set this up.

He called one of the notes his will, and it fucking broke me. The only thing that was worse was texting him right afterward.
For all of the shit he's gone through, Remy has done so well. So, so well, and I'm so proud of him. I have the information for his servers on Luminaria. I only hope I can move quickly enough to get the servers set up in time... I don't care what I have to do to do it. Beg, borrow, steal, sell myself, or kill. I will get the space Remy needs to live.

Leon was texting me while this was going on. I asked him to go run some interference for me, keep Vecks from going upstairs. He's not stupid, I know he knows what happened... He must have. Still, in some odd, ridiculous corner of my mind, there's a difference between knowing something happened and actually seeing it. I can't help it if he knows it on some conceptual level, but I wasn't ready to be seen gunning down an unarmed man in cold blood.
Which brought me to my next problem. How could I get rid of the body?

Sen had been around asking for bloody puss, as per usual. Hoping he was still there, I texted Leon to convince Sen to come upstairs. Maybe it was a little racist for me to assume that a Floran would be interested in helping me move a pile of fresh meat, maybe not. Several shotgun rounds and some plastic explosives later (which I tried to cover up by yelling that it was "Only a test of our emergency system." Smooth, A. Very smooth), and he had absconded with the dead courier.

Leon, though. Leon was ready to break. He's a tough kid. He's a snarky smartass who I've seen come through some amazingly difficult shit, and he makes it so easy to forget sometimes... Behind all of that, he's a teenager. Was I even out of my mother's house when I was his age?
He broke down and cried there on the landing. I put my arm around him, stroked his hair, and tried to calm him down. I told him Remy wasn't gone, and, as soon as we managed to pull everything else together, he would be back with us again somehow. I showed him some of the things Remy had left us (the note, a bracelet for Leon, and the key to his ship), just to see if it might help ease some of the overwhelming sense of loss he was feeling (I know he must've been. I was feeling it, and he hasn't gone as cold as I have. I hope to the indifferent gods that he never does). He asked if he could stay on my ship for tonight. Of course I said yes.

And then Vecks. He tried to be sympathetic, I think, or at least say something vaguely reassuring. I can barely even remember. All I know was that, at the time, whatever was said hit me like a fist to the eye. After talking last night, after admitting I wasn't decisive enough to kill Yung or the man David butchered in his video, after Vecks said the desire to avoid bloodshed was something he respected, after actually being made to realize that there was some aspect of me that maybe hadn't turned out broken and jaded and terrible yet, I made a liar of myself.
It would've been so much easier if he'd berated me. I would rather have crawled into a hole somewhere than listened to him pretend to be nice about it.
Why do I let people step on me?

Xeera showed up at one point, too... With her nose cracked and bleeding, telling stories of some dominatrix she'd met that had treated her poorly. She still laments Malavyi's leaving. Still misses her, still wants a normal life.
There was so much I didn't say. She says she's lonely, but she knows nothing of Remy's loneliness. She says she wants to settle down, but she never sat beside Leon while he cried for a home and a life he doesn't have and maybe never will. She excuses her behavior by calling herself a "pansy," and dismisses me as some kind of badass who's used to this kind of thing... but she's never been on my ship. She's never seen me turning on lights, loading guns to keep beside me, making my dog stay beside my bed, just so I can get a couple hours of rest. She doesn't know what goes through my head. She has no idea what any of us have seen.
The fact that she would liken this, any of this, to her desire to settle down with a nice girl and a little house with a white picket fence made me want to slap her. Grab her by the hair and shake her. You want a normal life? Wake the fuck up, princess, because there's a new normal now.
I'm so tired, and there's still so much more to do.
Now, I keep all that's left of Remy beside me-- right now, the box sits on my bed in the corner of my room while I sit on the other side of it with a gun in my hand and bright lights glowing overhead.
When I said Yung was going to have to get through me to get Remy, I meant it. This isn't over.

- A.

 

I don't know who to believe, David or Julian. My agreement with David is certainly the more lucrative of the two, but I'm invested in keeping Julian safe because Julian's safety (in a very indirect fashion) helps ensure my own. David says that working with him has kept me alive and made me wealthy (if he only knew how much of that money has already been spent, even if it has yet to change hands), and I should keep doing it. He says Julian's the bad guy, Julian says he is. All I know is that the fewer people are coming after Julian, the fewer people David is going to end up pitting me against. I can feel it.
It probably doesn't help that David told me to just take the stolen pixels, either. And that he's keeping Julian's severed hand "for leverage."
I do feel a little bad about going to meet David without letting anyone else know, but... Honestly, nothing came of it and I can't be babysat all of the time. The hell with Xeera for saying I was "meant for this" kind of thing, but doubly the hell with me needing to be treated with kid gloves. I'm just hoping they don't take it the wrong way when I inevitably have to explain that I jolly fucking well skipped along to a potentially dangerous meeting without seeing fit to mention it to anyone beforehand. Maybe it's just emerging pattern recognition, but I can see that being somewhat less than well-received if I don't explain myself.

Sen brought me a "gift" today. A momento, he called it. To commemorate my first kill.
I thought I was going to be sick at first. It isn't something I wanted to remember, let alone something I wanted him to remind me of... But he's a Floran who carries an assault rifle. How do you turn down a gift?
Now that I have it in my hands, I'm glad I didn't try.
This blade's oddly beautiful, in its own way. If I can convince myself the hilt's ivory instead. He said it would stab effortlessly. I hope it doesn't have to. Having it in my hand is enough.
It's an odd reassurance, though... Even though he helped me get rid of the body, this is a memento of the action.
The stab, not the meat.
I didn't enjoy doing what I did, but what did I actually do? Remy told me the man needed to be disposed of. I did what I did out of necessity.
I wish I could've handled it better. In a way that felt more... I don't know. Honorable, I guess. Discreet. Less like a trapdoor spider, or an eel, or some other kind of ambush predator. Away from where Leon, Vecks, or that jumpy Avian kid would have to know about it.
The doing was ugly, but the deed wasn't. I did what I had to do to save my friend.
There's no shame in that.
Any sharp corners that these thoughts have are just things I'll need to smooth down alone. What would Remy think, otherwise? I swore I would kill to help him, I should be glad I didn't let what's left of my morals force me to go back on my word.

I have these guns; could I really have been so stupid as to think I'd never have to use them?

Dre's worried about me... He's beginning to say the same things Dan used to (well, not all of them). I promised I'd look out for my mental state once "this project" was over, but he doesn't believe me. He's more perceptive than I thought.
Of course, I'm sure he's wondering why I now need a huge hulk of a ship and a ton of guns, too.

Still, at least there's an end in sight.
Anabelle has the ship.
I have the money.
Yung has been "executed," but Leon, Vecks, and I found no body. I'll believe he's dead when I see it with my own eyes.
Dre saw the new ship with me. Thinks he can wire it with enough defenses to set my mind at ease for a little bit.
All I need are the servers and a hacker.

- A.

 

Contacted Lorem, to see if I could get ahold of the servers I need.
He needs me to run an errand first... Something about the Amber Monolith, a massive xenoartifact he needs parts salvaged from.
I don't know how long it'll take, but I've rearranged my ship nonetheless. Cracked my giant screen from trying to move it by myself, too.
Damn it, I hope this works. And soon.

Wintermute has an idea. It's faster, impulsive, and of questionable sanity.
Right up my alley.

- A.

Okay, plan C. Looks like it's time to pay one of Carroli's research stations a visit.

 

Hitting 1217 was a success.

I'd almost forgotten about it, honestly... No reason to remember. Fortunately, the shifts in resources, changes in power structure, and resulting acquisition of Carroli by the Armada meant that I still had a window to get in and "liberate" a few assets. Wintermute was going to come with, but, eventually, it was decided that a scaled-down ops group would be a better choice (as much as it was going to suck moving those servers). I went, naturally, and Vecks came along for furniture-moving and camera-handling duty.
Right now, I have a ship full of (gently used, probably won't be missed for awhile) servers. They cram every available space; all of my furniture is piled up to accommodate them. It's uncomfortable, dark, and awkward to move around, but I can live with it for now.
All that remains is Anabelle's ship, and getting Wintermute (or maybe Lorem... I don't know if I can trick him into helping me establish an illegal uplink to Luminaria's servers, he's too smart for that. If it comes down to it, I may just have to ask and hope he doesn't rat me out) to set things up.
I can almost see the finish line. Even Vecks seemed happy for me that this is all coming together... though he might primarily be pleased at the thought of being compensated for all the trouble he's gone through. This little smash and grab didn't cost us more than fuel, so everyone (him included) gets a better cut of these pixels.

On a tangentially related note, I have no explanation for myself today. Maybe it's the adrenaline or some kind of endorphine rush, I don't know... I feel good, though. Better than I probably have any reason to.
Maybe not. Maybe making some progress today has made me (more) impulsive, in a giddy "I made some headway today and I'm too happy to worry about anything else" way.

After he left... Remy texted me. He wanted to see the specs of the servers we'd grabbed, I wanted to know why he'd had me and Leon convinced he was dead when he wasn't (which sounds fucked up in black and white like this, but come on!). Leon didn't take it too well, either... Remy was upset over Flame, still. Wondering which of us he'd lose next. Fearing he was a burden. Leon told him he wouldn't've cried for hours over losing a burden. I told him that he could vent as much as he wanted to about being a burden, if the thought upsets him so much, but it wouldn't change how either Leon or I felt. At the end of the day, no matter what Remy thinks of himself, we are still going to get Anabelle's ship, still going to get everything set up, and still going to follow through with this plan. Yung might be dead, but that doesn't mean we can rest yet.

Also? Remy gets really embarrassed if you talk about dicks. Or his boyfriend, really (he's still surprised Leon and I are both single. I mentioned that I was not good at relationships, as evidenced by the fact that I'm pretty sure my last boyfriend deliberately deleted me from his memory). Like, keeled-over-on-the-floor-faced-down-like-a-sad-little-loaf-of-bread embarrassed. And Leon made tea and brought hats for everyone (I am now writing this as a shark). I don't want to say it was "nice" or "good," because how can either of those words actually express seeing someone you love like a brother and thought you lost alive again? You can't just call being able to joke with Remy and Leon "good." It falls too short.

Of course, while this is going on... Julian gets himself blown up(!) and Xeera calls me to stay an emotional goodbye because she doesn't want to "bother" me anymore. I radioed Vecks to see if he could help the former (which I felt bad about... both for bothering Vecks, who I'm sure needed rest after 1217, and for sending someone Julian doesn't know very well down to help him when he was probably scared already), and tried to talk to the latter in between... y'know, everything else.

I'm still covered in coolant. Going to shower and go to the Cab to see what's what.

- A.

 

I need to learn to quit while I'm ahead.
Thanks, universe. I get it. Thinking I could relax a little was dumb, and I am a dumb dummy for thinking it.

So, the Cab. Uneventful for a bit. That Avian kid, Wren-with-a-W, sat by me... He's really quiet a lot of the time. I'm assuming he's young because of his size and demeanor, but I could be way off... How do you tell age with Avians?
Anyhow. He seemed to have a lot on his mind, but he didn't feel like answering questions.

Then, all hell broke loose.

That fucked-up junkyard robot zombie rolled up and began trying to tear the place apart again. I told Wren to make a break for it and hide (in retrospect, it's good that he didn't run) because there wasn't time to get him over the bar with me... Then I hit the valve. Sure, it meant we were stuck in there with it for the time being, but it was blocking the exit anyway and there wasn't a whole fuck-off lot else for us to do.

I'm not going to detail every bit of insanity that went on, but this thing didn't bat an eye at metal slugs, plasma, electricity, or rockets.
The only thing that seems to give it pause is fire. We're going to have to make some plans for if(/when) it comes back.

It got me pretty good, too, after it tried to grab Wren and I spun the valve again to lift the bars so I could light it up proper. It came over after me and tried to tear me up-- I walked away with a couple of horizontal slashes across my left arm, which bled like eleven bitches in a bitch canoe (all over a white shirt, no less). So, now I have a cast on my right hand and a bandage on my left arm.
I am running out of places to sustain injuries at this point.

So, I'm sitting there trying to first aid myself afterward (with my arm over my head and my head on my knees, because damn do I not enjoy the sight of my own blood), and Vecks shows up at some point. I'm focusing on breathing and trying not to pass out or puke, but I begin paying attention a moment after he sends Wren to the hospital.
Wren.
To the hospital.
Alone.
After that thing had already gone tearing off in the same direction.
It was not the most well thought-out of plans.

When I realized it, I was already up and running (well, staggering quickly. I was still woozy as hell and didn't even stop to see if Vecks was done wrapping me up. Fortunately, he was) after him. I think Vecks and Hawk(? the red Avian) either realized it a second after I did, or understand that if I'm running toward something at a full tilt then there's probably an excellent goshfucked reason why.
Fortunately, Wren made it to the hospital safely, and the staff there was able to do something a little more permanent with my cuts.
We talked for a little bit at the hospital, then went back to the Cab where it was more comfortable (and so I could get some juice in me. The sugar and fluids help with the lightheadedness).

As it turns out, this Hawk guy is pretty freaking evasive. I should try to find out exactly who he's working for... if only for the paid vacation days.

- A.

 

I am better at causing injuries than I am at fixing them. I know this.

I hung out in the bar for a little bit today while I waited to hear from Leon, Remy, or Anabelle. Since the Wayward Helpmeet is dark and has no chairs, it seemed like a much better idea than bumming around there all day... Sure enough, before I'd been there for too long, Anabelle contacted me to pick up the new ship.
It's huge, compared to the Helpmeet. It's awesome. It's perfect for what I need. I still need to get Dre to wire up some defenses, but (with the aid of matter manipulators and no small amount of effort on my part) I managed to get the servers moved into the other ship. The extra one's stuck off in the area I'm going to try to fit a kitchen into, for now.
So, good. Servers, ship, done. Once again, I should have quit while I was ahead.
Or maybe not. Vecks and Sen are, I'm sure, both competent... but I don't know what would've happened otherwise.

I beamed back down and texted with Leon and Remy for a bit. Apparently, while I was doing this, some daft tryhard (who was pouring whiskey all over herself and I swear nearly vomited on Franz before that) decided she was going to collect on Sen's bounty while she was in the goshfucked bar. I have no idea what would possess someone to do this. I really don't get what would make someone think that's a good idea. It really, really isn't.

She ended up beaming away while grappling Sen and being grappled by Vecks. Without any real knowledge of how to trace someone's beam codes, I assumed (based on a combination of her discussion with Franz earlier that evening and the source of the bounty posted on Sen) that they would be headed to Taranis. The only thing to do then was to try to head them off.

I lucked out in meeting a black Floran during the whole fracas. I'd started out by ordering him out of the bar at gunpoint (while screaming about how there were more idiots trying to shoot up the damn bar again), but we ended with him escorting me to Taranis and trying to suss out who was around.
I didn't think that far ahead, though. All I knew was that if I managed to beat her to Taranis and wait by the beam-down point, I had a good chance of being able to get to her before anyone else got to me.
I'll admit it-- I was also worried I wouldn't see Vecks alive again. I know he's capable, but you see three people beam away in front of you and you start to get concerned. It didn't help that, a few minutes later, I had some guy telling me that they were most likely dead. Thanks, guy.

Of course, as per usual, things didn't work out quite according to plan. To start with, she beamed down alone and looking like she'd been through hell already (which was a "her" problem, and had no impact on the fact that Julian and I had guns pointed at her from the jump).
The Floran warned me that, if I killed her, the Knight's Order would come after me. I said okay and aimed for her kneecaps. Didn't get the chance to get a shot off, though.
She tried to throw a grenade which, fortunately, didn't make it very far... A few seconds and a lot of mud later, Vecks radioed me to let me know where they were and I left her, Julian, and the black Floran to deal with her angsty rambling.

The rest of my night was spent running between Vecks and Sen, trying to keep one from bleeding out on the floor while the other one tried to talk me through Floran surgery. I'd like to reiterate that I am not a doctor, and my one brush with Floran first aid was with Node (which resulted in an autopsy and her turning into some kind of gross black tentacle version of Overseer. So, good job there). Still... Both of them pulled through alright. Vecks probably won't be too happy with me for the next few days, but Sen didn't seem to care one way or the other. Oddly enough, he was the one who contacted me to ask if I could pull a bullet out for him... Even said the ambush idea was clever.
Here's hoping I'm clever enough to get through the rest of what I need to do with these servers.

I stuck around as long as I figured Vecks would tolerate me, just to make sure the dressings didn't seep and he didn't go into shock.
Back on my as-yet-unnamed ship now (avec servers), and I can't think when I've been this tired. Now, all I need is my hacker.
Seriously, though... Like I told Leon earlier, the first thing I'm doing once all of this is over is taking a couple thousand of these pixels and going on vacation for awhile.

- A.

 

((
))

Took the day off, rather than open the Cabaret for Gytha.
I'm honestly not sure what bothers me more: being caught up in the regular chaos of the Cab, or sitting back and worrying about how much chaos I'm missing. After everything that's happened over the past few days, I knew I needed the say off... At the same time, I also knew that I'd spend the entire time agonizing over "what if"s if I wasn't able to keep myself occupi

Dre wired up some defenses for the server rooms on the new ship. They're simple, but should be effective. I wasn't exactly looking for Marathon-level security here-- as long as these guns can fire accurately and not damage the servers themselves, I am happy. Afterward, he and

Dre and Vecks came to check out the new ship (which still needs a na

I know better than this.

I should've seen this coming. There are no excuses for that. Either the sleep deprivation's getting to me and I haven't been as vigilant as I should be, or I deliberately allowed it. I'm not sure how to feel about either.

"Pati" is the root for a number of words, including "passion" and "patience."
It has nothing to do with feeling enthusiasm or exuberance.
It means "suffer."

- A.

Emoriar, quam sit tibi copia nostri.

 

Ding dong, the murderbot is dead.
Or so it seems.

It very nearly took Dre and Vecks with it, though... Dre was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and Vecks jumped in trying to be a hero when the thing was distracted by coming after me. I managed to escape with some bumps, bruises, torn-out stitches, ruptured eardrums, and a shoulder that, now that I've slept, is stiff and aching.

My head feels like it's been filled with a million cotton-wrapped mosquitoes. Whatever they did to patch me up and all of the painkillers they've given me have helped take the edge off, but it will still be days to weeks before I'm able to hear properly again. I think someone gave me some hearing aids, but I want to wait to heal a little before I go sticking anything in my ears... So everything is silent.
Not to mention disorienting. You don't realize how much you actually use sound to orient yourself until you can't anymore. It's altered my perception of where I am and what I'm doing in bizarre ways... Even something as simple as putting down a fork on a table becomes strange when you can't hear them touch and know you should. Stupidly, I've even cracked a glass this way-- as if setting it down harder would let me hear the sound I know should be there.
It's frightening.
I have these servers on my ship, but now I'm forced to rely on my teleporter staying secure and Dre's guns working the way they should because I'd never be able to hear an intruder. Can't turn my back to a door. Have to watch Waffles like a hawk to see if his hackles rise and he starts barking at threats I don't know about.

Communicating is also going to be hell of complicated. The only kind of sign language I know is a tiny bit of ASL, and even then it's only the alphabet (and I have to run through the gestures in order, in my head, to remember what certain letters are). Probably not going to help me at all here.

The hospital itself was a blur of chaos. It seemed to take a long time for anything to get done, but I guess you do kind of end up subject to a bizarre type of time dilation when you're bleeding and watching people you care about lay there as close to dying as you've ever seen them.
I don't know if Dre regained consciousness. Vecks reached for my hand at one point. I took his and sat there while we waited to be released.

It was a small, simple gesture, but not one I would've expected. I don't know. I'm not really sure what to expect anymore...
Other than the inevitable understanding that, regardless of what I think, he's making (has made?) a mistake.

- A.

 

(This page is written in bright blue ink that gives off the faint smell of cotton candy.)
Hey.
Not much
Can't hear worth a damn, still, but fortunately I'm on enough drugs that I don't care
Well, yeah. I figured subtitles were a given
Elitist
I have Remy's Numi holodisc, a random assortment of other stuff, or we could see if there's anything worth stealing on the net. But I picked the last post-crisis date movie, so it's up to you
Heard of it, heard of it, and no. Also, I bet
Horror, I'm guessing?
Maybe and yes
I mean, it can't be worse than the last episode of Numi, amirite?

Oh boy
Oh, that's totally not foreshadowing
Okay, why didn't he do that to begin with?
OH NOES!!!! THE BITE! D:
Hell of a splash screen. MDR LOL, PUN!
I hate to admit it, but I actually really want to know what the Prophecy is
Inorite? In HUGE FUCK-OFF LETTERS, TOO
Oooh, suggestive
Seems kind of backward, right?
Says the fat, gross guy
AW SHIT SON, THE PROPHECY!
I guess? And yeah he is basically as genre savvy as that box of soap
... She has a thing for funny-looking dudes
Slick as hell
Okay, from what I can tell, his name is AAAAYWOL
This guy doesn't have mommy issues. He has a fucking news stand
Obligatory 'embarrass yourself in front of the hottie' scene
She's not very bright. Like, this is beyond a translation thing
Then again, neither is he. AWKWARD GUY AND DUMB CHICK, OTP
She is way too excited to be in this tiny, terrible zoo
AWKWARD GUY EXPOSITION, HOLD THE FUCK UP
Dat romance-subplot-establishing stealth kiss
Her horror and surprise seems totally genuine. Where you convinced? I'm convinced
Welp, welcome to being Patient Zero, AAAAYWOL's mom
Jesus, dogg. Grow a spine. WTF
Like, this is one of those movies where you spend the entire time wanting to kick the shit out of the protagonist
Right? Aw, shit. She gonna try to get some
I'd like to, but I'm already in an unhealthy relationship with one woman
'Romantically entangled?' Is that Hylotl for 'it's complicated?'
... oh my god
A flesh wound
LIAR
Oh my god! ;_;
I would give him so many hugs right now
Do I smell the next patient? Or, wait, it was the rice guy. Nevermind
His tears are totally gen~~~~
Decorative wall shuriken totally took the nurse's head off ok
jesus fuck this woman is not bright
she is sharp like a marshmallow holy shit
yeah, turn on music, nobody will ever notice the basement monsters ok
wait it's like night time now and he's sleeping
is he going to just
he's keeping them in the basement
We could make a drinking game out of this
Because you totally keep dangerous drugs in a giant brown glass bottle marked TRANQUILIZERS
but would we come back to life and bite people tho
oh jesus oh no needle in the eye what the fuck
MOAR PROPHECY
the prophecy has swag now
THAT IS NOT HOW NOSES WORK
that man has the sexiest beergut pompadour combination oh my god dat suit
why do his sideburns come across like half of his face sideburns aren't supposed to do that
OOPS
*Pook*
Not that it matters, she just punched through the lid
yeah keep laughing sideburns
their fin styling choices are unfortunateOH MY FUCKING GOD
that is literally the worst handjob ever
because you'd be dead of having your junk ripped off by a zombie grandma ok
real talk, I kind of want his bathrobe
he just kicked off his entire lower body and STILL got bit
why is this unfortunate looking man running a zombie nursing home now
MOLEMAN ROMANCE SUBPLOT
hay bby u got some sexy kneecaps ok
please tell me people don't really pee like that
like please say that that is an affliction of overweight men with terrible clothing choices and bad hair
... those noises
she mad? she mad
romance subplot tension!
yep
yep this is happening
*SWACK*
from a knee rub
why is he walking it in public
that baby is tough as hell
that is a durasteel baby and/or short person in a suit
ok sure you just shove it into a pillowcase ain't nobody gonna notice your freaky bag of ugly zombie child
I'm still trying to figure out which one's the Moleman
He just hit himself with a rake. That is an understatement
I like how AAAAYWOL's uncle or w/e looks younger than he does
'Your father was attractive to the opposite sex.' 'DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT.'
I do kind of want the dumb girl's dress. That and the Purple Bathrobe of Asskicking
The subtitles say the soundtrack just changed LOOK OUT GIRLY
not gonna lie, that would be kind of hysterical
like, I would just hang around you and point at things
'POISON.' The deadlier counterpart to 'TRANQUILIZERS.'
I wonder why they didn't just grab a bottle marked 'MEDICINE' and make this entire movie like six minutes long
and here is where our wimpy protagonist Takes a Level in Badass because the fat guy menaces his girlfriend
like, is that really a thing people do
just go through a complete personality shift all 'AHA! I AM SUDDENLY COMPETENT!'
I have refined tastes ok
Every. time. Plot armor, yo. Apparently the neck is its weak point
how are his legs even still doing
zombie blood running man ok

 

'Is okay, is me!' The chick who just tried to stab you to death!
those milky eyes are not the eyes of someone who remembers things
he got some serious air for someone with no legs
ladies and gentlemen, the intestines are sentient
SHH EVERYTHING, THE PROPHECY IS HAPPENING
dat laugh
hell hath no fury like a dumb girl's scorn
she will leave your fat, ugly suit-wearing ass out to be eaten by molemen
uh. skeleton
he does not look full of treats to me, but I am also not a moleman
that is not how necks wOk that was some terrible foreshadowing
oh shit purple sand mountain LOOK THE FUCK OUT
this entire movie is AAAYWOL getting strangled and other people getting their junk grabbed by monsters
'hey can you give me a hand lol'
babies are terrifying
oh good, the other one's on fire
after the one guy got the disease by eating tainted rice RIP dumb girl we hardly knew ye
she has also gained being forty feet tall
Let's go on the roof! We can surely escape from there!
Oh wow.
That takes some serious planning. To drown two people in a bathtub.
I'm going to science it up by saying that it's a liquid that's denser than water and doesn't have the same O2 carrying capacity and okay I'm done being a huge nerd now.
they are ingesting HELL of monster blood when they kiss. They are going to be so infected.
yes EXACTLY
MORE PROPHECY
fuck this kissing scene in particular
why is it reggae now
like, the end credits' subtitles seriously say [reggae]
covered in Hylotl entrails. Sexy.
short for 'avant garde a clue.'
Well... That happened.
jinx

Can we try not to have disasters first tho like can it just be regular without anyone losing limbs or a building
I am actually wholeheartedly enjoying the painkillers. Probably not as much as I would if I didn't actually need them.
And they are making this chair hell of comfortable.
Yeah, actually. The sacrifices I make.
See, I figured ripping a bullet out of you would outrank letting you hold my hand for awhile. Priorities.
The hospital wasn't exactly an ideal location, either.
You're not going to believe me, but you probably lucked out in that respect.

(The remainder of the page has been torn out of the book.)

 

(This page has an oddly sweet, cotton-candy-and-oranges scent to it.)

I feel almost like I've completely wasted the past few days. It's been a blur of waking up, taking something to dull the pain, sleeping again, and eating when I've bothered to remember to.
The worst of the bruises are beginning to fade, and I can hear a little better now... "A little" being very relative, though, since I've gone from nothing but silence, pain, and dizziness to everything sounding as though I'm trying to make out a conversation on my neighbor's TV set, underwater, with cotton in my ears. It's something, though.

The most constructive thing I've done was try to check on Vecks and Dre, and fire off a few text messages to Leon and Remy. I don't know how many unanswerable radio calls I've gotten.
Leon and Remy didn't answer. I wasn't able to get through to Dre when I tried. Vecks seems to be pulling through.

Since I'm still (sadly and surprisingly) the most able-bodied out of the three of us, I asked if he wanted me to bring anything by his ship. Fortunately, he seemed alright (for a very generous given value of "alright")... Just bored. Can't say I blamed him, either.
I brought my console and a few movies I'd already seen, but we ended up sitting through a Hylotl cult flick called "The Moleman Prophecy."

I want to say it was intended to be some kind of dark comedy, but I really, really have a sneaking suspicion that they were legitimately going for scary. We spent most of the evening making fun of it by writing snark at each other, since neither of us could hear a goshcrapped thing. It was actually surprisingly fun-- fun enough that I told him we needed to do it again without any disasters involved beforehand (seriously. First we watched the last episode of Numi by the light of the burning Cabaret, and now a post-grenading Moleman Prophecy). I ended up sticking around for awhile afterward, too, just to talk pass notes back and forth middle school style.

I don't know what Vecks' angle is.
He'd written some things, fragmentary half-sentences that were scribbled out as soon as they were put down, and I think he may have said some things. I couldn't make out what. I doubt he'd tell me if I asked. The most I could get out of him was that he thinks he's been acting "strangely," and he'll tell me more when he thinks he's better able to put it into words... as long as I promised to do the same.

I know it would be safer for me not to see or talk to him anymore. I almost even told him as much. I also know that, despite his facetiousness, he would probably actually listen if I said that to him...
I'm just not sure what makes me think less of myself-- the fact that I know what's happening and am trying to pretend it isn't (as if doing that will just make it go away), or the fact that I feel less and less confident I actually want it to stop.

- A.

 

Ce fut un succès.

I am so tired, and now, for the first time in weeks, I feel like I can rest.
I can't, though-- not really. Maybe even less now than I could before.
Still... It's a momentary respite.
I'll worry about finding some kind of even keel when the hurly burly's done.
When the battle's lost and won.

For now, I'm happy.

- A.

P.s. also apparently there's some kind of automated defib here now that some guy left (which is going to come in totally handy to someone who lives with a dog and a hologram).

 

I'm beginning to hear things a little more clearly.
I still worry about speaking, though... Afraid my voice will come out all wrong if I'm not able to hear myself. I always used to catch hell for being a rambunctious kid and laughing too loud ages ago, I guess more of that stuck than I thought.

Nighttime's the worst. It seems like the more silent it is around me, the more deafening it becomes in my head. There's some irony in the fact that the more I'm able to hear again, the more I need to keep a radio on just to be able to quiet down the whine in my ears so I can try to get some peace.

Speaking of peace, it's going to be weird having a hologram for a room mate.
I mean, it's Remy, or part of Remy, so it can't be *that* bad... But it feels so bizarre when I actually think about it. When I was working for Aaron, or bumming around during our downtime with Tania, Lara, and Racquelle, it makes it so hard to imagine this kind of situation with anyone but Remy If I had had to take, like, Racquelle's arm and keep it in a jar or something, but that arm was sentient and just all, "Hey, what's up, we're out of cereal," and I still hung out with the rest of Racquelle like it wasn't even a thing... it wouldn't have been any stranger than I think this is going to turn out to be.
And I haven't even gotten out of bed yet.

Keeping up with the action last night was a challenge in itself. I felt so useless, all I could do was stand on the ship (that Leon convinced Anabelle to give me) full of the servers (that weren't mine to begin with, and that I needed Vecks' help to steal) protected by guns (that I needed Dre to set up) and go between trying to see what was actually happening and reading a sort of transcript because I couldn't make out things well enough on my own. I didn't know enough to be of any assistance with what Wintermute needed to do, and having to read instructions and try not to panic when things went south for reasons I didn't really get meant that I wasn't even able to render much help first aid wise.
What am I good for, exactly? All I do is know people who are way better at things than I am.
It's a good thing I do, too, or I'd be fucked.

Anyway. I should get up.

- A.

 

Saw Leon today, for a bit.

We met up and went to the cafe (where we had to text each other-- my hearing is getting better, but picking things out of all of the ambient city noise is a pain in the ass even with perfect ears. Right now, it's a virtual impossibility), where some Apex in pink armor and a Glitch dressed up like a robotic pink rabbit(!) apparently told me they wanted me to meet them? Then some pink Avian shows up swinging a spear, so Leon and I got the hell out by hopping a railing and snuck back to my apartment.

Leon went out to grab some pastries (he made chocolate rolls, which were pretty awesome) and tea, and we sat around my tiny, crowded, terrible apartment to text each other from about four feet away.

We talked about Remy for awhile, and I sort of vented my feelings about that. Just like I expected, Leon was all, "No, you were important, you got us all together." It was sweet of him to try to make me feel better, but I still don't know what to think. If it hadn't been me, it would've just as easily been someone else. We decided the subject as a whole was just causing bad conversational vibes, so we declared anything Emperor-, Luminaria-, or Remy-related off limits for the time being.

Instead, I ended up sort of asking him for advice (in the most roundabout and ass way imaginable). Leon's seventeen and doesn't seem to have any real experience in the matter, but... I kind of had the feeling that that would be exactly the kind of person I needed to hear from, and the advice he gave me was exactly what I know is sensible and should've expected to hear.
But... They say that the best way to make a tough decision is to flip a coin. Not because you should base anything important on a "heads or tails" outcome, but because, while it's in the air, you'll realize which side you're secretly hoping it lands on.
"Cut off people who are bad for you," is exactly what I know I should do.
It's just not the side I was hoping for.

I should've been more careful. At this point, the thought of what I have to say should have said makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. When I turn the idea over in my mind, I wish things could be different. The only time I forget it doesn't seem to matter it doesn't bother me as much is when I'm wi

I don't need my head messed with any more than it has been already. Why am I starting to do it to myself?

Strengthen me not with raisins, refresh me not with apples-- I just want all of this behind me.

- A.

 

So, some dude's been breaking into Wren's apartment to watch him sleep I guess?
And stole some of his stuff? I don't know. I missed a lot of it (on account of everything still sounding like I'm being held underwater with my head wrapped in a towel), but Wren seemed pretty fucking agitated. Poor kid.

Holo!Remy beamed down and, I guess, came to find me while I was talking to Wren. Some guy who looked like an Earth mall cop brought him to me, and Wren, Remy, and I stood around while Wren panicked and we tried to figure out what was going on.
Naturally, Wren then bolts into the stairwell.
I pick up the holoprojector and follow, because I have no idea what he's doing or what's going on.
Cue a chase through Liberty Mills. Some potbellied hillbilly, Wren in hot pursuit, some Australian pirate lugging an enormous gun, me, and the holoprojector rolling along behind. What a fucking procession we must've made.
Fortunately, it was sorted out without violence(ish, despite all of the guns and knives and what have you). Wren, I think, got his stuff back... The holoprojector was spat on by the hillbilly, so I cleaned it off as best as I could and carried it back to my apartment.
To give an electronic manifestation of one of my best friends a shower to scrub off tobacco loogies.
Like that is a thing people do.

Remy decided that, to help pay me back (which he totally didn't need to do-- I haven't done any of this expecting repayment), he's going to be my interpreter. I warned him that this was probably going to mean getting caught up in some seriously stupid craziness sometimes, but he assured me it would be fine.
Then we went to the cafe for a trial run.
And walked in on some strange cyborg deciding to treat the place like their personal playground.
From what I could gather, it began as property damage and was rapidly escalating. After the shit from before, the shit with Eris, Yung's taunting Remy about suicide, and all of the shit that happens in the bar... saying I wasn't in the fucking mood would be an understatement. I've had absolutely the fuck enough of people like that turning up and making themselves into threats to people like Wren and Remy. I am 150% done with someone deciding a crowded bar or cafe is the best place to show off how much of a badass they are. The guy left, eventually, but apparently lobbed some kind of chemical bomb into the cafe. It smelled like a stinkbomb, but who the hell knows what was actually in it?

Teal deer version, bounties were placed, shots were fired, and at one point some of the guy's friends turned up to try to butt in (in other words, become collateral damage). The holoprojector was downstairs at this point, so I had to work purely off of context and the tiny bits I could hear through the cacophony (not much). It was a fucking mess, in every sense of the word-- after Sen blasted the guy, and I unloaded several toasty corpses' worth of electricity into him, he was still trying to get away. Sen seemed to have it handled, so I turned back to make sure the holoprojector was alright... then turned back around to a scattered pile of body parts.
I don't even.

Afterward, Remy got caught up talking to some Avian. I was trying to talk to Misfit (or the other way around? I'm not sure. At some point we all decided to be friends and go on an adventure, but I think watching that cyborg gib himself was the adventure), when the subtitle screen began flashing "HELP ME."
Of course, I read back the last few lines... to see the fucking pink bird calling Remy a construct with no soul.
I turn around and attempt to run interference (by telling the bird my grandmother was on fire. Smooth, A), and eventually it leaves. Not knowing what else to do, or where to go, I pick the projector back up and hightail it back to my tiny, cramped apartment to try to do damage control.
Sometimes, I wonder why Remy gets fucked with like this.
Honestly though, in retrospect, it's probably because he's so near human. Nobody feels the need to tell a toaster that it has no soul. A toaster doesn't threaten their sense of mortality and self enough to warrant it. I wish I'd thought to say that at the time.

I think I did okay, though... I told him what I thought about souls (that they're something you earn, not something you're given).
That'd I'd known people like him in the past (Well... Jackton. I told him about Jackton), and the idea that they may be anything less than human had never once entered my mind. That even if Jackton had been eight feet tall and bright purple, I would've thought and felt the same about him (This time, I left out the part where I'm fairly certain Jackton deliberately chose to delete me from his memory and all the headtrip bullshit in between... but Remy already knew that bit, anyhow).
I told Remy that what he was or how he was made isn't important. It's who he is that matters. It sucks that he was dealt a shittier hand in life than a lot of other people were (I might have some things rough, but I will never know what it is to have my humanity questioned the way he does), but all that matters is what he does with what he's been given.
That Leon and I were family, but the kind of family you pick. The ones you survive because of, not in spite of.
The people who matter don't mind what you are, and the ones who mind don't matter.
Non bastardi carborundum.
Plus, he's free now... He's not obligated to give the wrong people his time. If someone wants to hassle him, he can tune it out and roll back to the ones who matter.

- A.

((
))