A composition book.

Floran!Node meets Node-regular ---> run around wreaking havoc for awhile or smth
OverSeer = banished to west bumblefuck for "breaking a law" (he doesn't even seem to know what)
Contact with the OverSeer symbiote (planet covered in oculemons, he was just a head at the time I guess)
Floran!Node ends up the host (willingly? accidentally? did OS trick her somehow)
Now OverSeer = the other Seers (each with a slightly different appearance, also seem to lack some memory continuity)

Ion = created by the same people who made OverSeer, exiled, etc.
Find out how she got to Haus (see if Evan knows?)
According to OverSeer, no particularly destructive capabilities, just a prototype, etc.
According to Ion, just replacing sentient life through integration
Neither seems like a practical approach
Someone's probably lying

P-8 pissed off Ion by explaining to her who nobody should trust her (even though I said it was better to just leave her in the dark about it), then tried to bad-cop OverSeer with a plasma pistol before leaving because he didn't think he knew anything useful. Joke's on him, though... I managed to get some decent information after talking to him with some measure of politeness and tact.

Honey > vinegar.

- a.

 

Can't sleep. Not really news, though.

I keep the lights on and a gun next to me at night... Evan seems to think something's up, so does Cynn, and Ion has more reason to be aggressive towards me than otherwise.

It wouldn't be so bad if people didn't keep fuckin' bugging me about it.

Dan had a long talk with me a few days ago... I think it was, anyway. I'm so, so tired, every day just blurs together. It was kind of nice to be able to vent some of my frustrations to someone. I even showed him the video of Jackton, just so maybe someone else would understand where my head's at right now. Of course, I also punched the shit out of the armory wall like a goddamned child. It did make me feel a letter better, for about half a second.

Later on, he was trying to be helpful... He was saying that Home would be the safest place for him, and we could certainly do a lot worse than having someone with Jackton's capabilities on our side. I don't think he'd go for it, though. Not after the argument we had about me sticking my neck out before. He wants to settle down, and this can be messy, dangerous work (and Dominic, the Apex guy, still hasn't come back). I've been lucky to make several new friends that have helped keep the galaxy from trying to let daylight into my skin, but I am completely cognizant of the fact that one wrong move can make my good luck turn on a dime.

Still, I'm not giving up. I don't know where he is, or who he's with, but I'm going to keep looking for him, I'm going to find him, and I'm going to take him back here where it'll be at least a little safer. At which point he'll promptly leave me, because I know this isn't what he wanted at all. I'd rather know he's alive and well than worry about what he's going to think after the fact, but there it is.

- a.

 

So, because of seemingly infinite concern for my mental well-being, I was tricked into going to a wedding. Because being around a bunch of happy, committed couples is exactly what you need when your (boyfriend?) might be dead and is going to argue with you and walk out if he comes back.

Mort. de. fucking. rire.

The sermon (? I guess?) was nice, though, and the venue was pretty. Dan did the actual marrying, and what he said made a lot of sense. There are no guarantees of peace or safety. The best you can do is find someone you love, and try to build a happy life out of what fate's decided to give you.

I'm trying to ignore that, over the past few days, fate's apparently decided to leave a flaming diaper on my doorstep. Optimism, A.

- a.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jackton came back.

He looked like he'd been literally torn apart. Like... I was almost glad I was still buzzed from the wedding and half out of my mind from insomnia, because I don't think I would've been able to handle seeing him like that in my right mind. I don't know. After what happened on Tetanus with Floran!Node's body, maybe I have a stronger stomach than I thought.
He managed to talk me through how to (heal? fix? repair?) him using a surgical table, but so many things ended up going wrong that it's amazing that he's still alive. Still, he walked away from it in better shape than when he got here...

After that, he was upset because my hand and shoulder are (still) injured. Before he left, he said we needed to "talk."

It did me good to see him alive and safe again.
But damn do I hate being right about everything.

- a.

 

So, talking didn't go as badly as I thought. I made sure to go first, so I could sort of unload, I guess... I told him everything. Probably more than I should've, which worries me... What happens if we split up? We very nearly have on a few occasions. Would that make him a liability? He said he could delete and re-order memories at will, but he said it in reference to overcoming PTSD. Was he telling the truth, or just putting my mind at ease? Even if he said he'd do all of that, could I trust him to?

Speaking of PTSD, he was shaking like a leaf before we went to go "talk." I'm not sure he knows I saw, but it was kind of hard not to. He's not exactly a small dude. And, of course, it ended with the same contradictory argument that's come up before: he wants to settle down, but he also wants me to take him with me when I'm doing whatever the hell it is I do now. And he mentioned that he's not even certain that he's capable of love, or even of distinguishing between lust and love. Which... Fucking ouch, man. Thanks.

Still, I thought about what Dan said. About Home being the safest place for him, and that we could do a lot worse than having someone like Jackton in our corner. So, when he demanded to be brought along, I said yes. I think it shocked him. I don't know... He acted like it was a sudden change of heart, instead of something I've been tossing around in my head (and been told by other people). We'll see how it goes.

- a.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Nothing much has happened lately. Things seem to have settled down a bit... This really adorable Floran girl (? Do they have girls? I know some Florans that definitely seemed either male or female to me, but I don't know how their genders work) had a pool party, which me and a bunch of other people went to. Crimson and Flora and I had a water war, the weather was lovely, and it was nice to just hang out for awhile. In the bar, there's always some unknown quantity that turns up... Some shadowy, try-hard baby badass, or someone trying to get something out of someone else. It was nice to be in an environment where it felt safe. Where everyone was a friend, or a friend of a friend, or at least the kind of stranger that's just a friend you haven't made yet.

Jackton turned up too, which was a hell of a coincidence. We played in the pool for awhile, before Flora asked if we were mates (adorable, yes. Tactful? Not so much). He hemmed and hawed for a bit, deferred to me, I kicked it back to him, and he eventually said yes. I'm not sure why it surprised me as much as it did.

He ended up injuring himself later... Not super badly, but enough to need a nanowrap and to have SharpTooth offer to clean the wound. Which was, to be totally honest, freaking freaky.

Later on, I met an Avian named Fleet, and a guy named Winter. We had a fairly small, very chill afterparty on Winter's ship. Just listened to music and relaxed for awhile. It was nice.

Now, once more back into the fray.

- a.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Still pretty uneventful. I think I made a new friend... Her name's Anita, but she says most people call her Dewell.
She's like some kind of snark patron saint. I love it.
I'll never be able to look at a bar fight the same way again. It's all just terrible postmodern avant-garde performance art. A ham-handed send-up of the shadowy badass fiction trope.
Yes.

- a.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So, Jackton and I talked for a bit. Not really about anything important, just the millions of inconsequential things that we'd never gotten around to mentioning before... Favorite colors, favorite foods, things like that. He seemed like he was in a really good mood... Extra affectionate, attentive, and flirtatious, and he asked what my favorite gemstone was. I'm trying not to read into that, though... After the last argument we had, I'm not sure what's genuine and what isn't. We spent a few hours together that definitely seemed real, at least...
He might honestly be feeling good. I don't know.
I wish I did.

- a.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hung out with Anita in the bar today. She brought a screen and a hard drive with some "visual novel" to show me... Kamen High School 2044: Harem King, I think? Leon turned up too (right after the bit with the buttered noodles), and I tried to cover his eyes to keep him from witnessing the many, many animated horrors man was not meant to behold.
Of course, because it's the bar, some mouthy Hylotl twat did some kind of jacked-up backflip, smashed her elbow through the screen, and shot Anita's hard drive, because herp derp what does personal property mean? She tried to say something clever afterward. I told her to make like a tree and stand there while I go get a chainsaw.
Try-hard baby badasses, I swear.
I wish the bar had actual security to handle this shit. These fuckwits aren't mine to raise.

- a.

 

One thing I didn't mention, mostly because I wanted to wait until I had enough time to sit and write it all down the way it deserves.

David's dead.

It's strange to write that.
I don't know how to feel about his passing. I mean, we got along better towards the end, but... I just don't know. It's not easy to forget how uneasy he made me feel for so long, or how many barbs we exchanged. I wish things could've ended better for him, but I'm glad we managed to part on good terms. At least we didn't part enemies, and at least he died knowing he had been successful and (if his post is to be believed) was content.

He sent me his last set of instructions to follow, which I did. Some things were mixed up, though-- he referenced going only through doors with hand scanners, but the last one used an optical scanner. There was also an extra level he hadn't mentioned-- when he said to go right on that same floor, I assumed he meant the floor under the one he was actually talking about. Nonetheless, I managed to get to Julian. With no help from Julian, might I add, because he sent out requests for aid about a minute and a half after I touched down. Which, of course, let to a fun little game of beat-the-clock while I was trying to hustle my ass through an unfamiliar laboratory with fading electricity. This was also after David apparently posted his last fuck you to the galaxy, where he crowed over what he achieved with Julian. Thank god nobody put two and two together.

The funny thing is, I was told later that the USCM, Helios, and two other groups had shown up. Helios, at least, probably would've been very interested in Julian if they'd managed to get ahold of him, but I know David wouldn't've wanted that. The USCM might've been interested, too. The really killer part was me strolling out of the room with Julian, confronting some USCM, and literally saying, "Got it covered, fuck along now," as the two of us sashayed out.
Which just goes to show-- if you can convincingly pretend that you have control of a situation, people will just believe you.

- a.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

More arguing with Evan. More Dan trying to mediate.

I think Dan's losing patience with me. He actually said he'd had "enough of [my] condescending bullshit," so I walked off to another part of Crimson's ship (Crimson has a new ship, by the way. With bonus creeper room mate). It stung like hell, but I know it isn't that big of a deal. Maybe the sooner he loses patience with me, the sooner I can go back to just having my head in the game and stop caring what he thinks.

We ended up talking on Tetanus for a little bit afterward. He's still the eternal optimist, of course, and pokes fun at me for being realistic. I wish I didn't feel like I should be trying to get his approval. His, or Jackton's, or anybody's.

I'm such a fucking headcase, I want to throw up.

- a.

Jackton got hurt. Through him trying to patch himself up, he was still as cheerful as ever... I know he can dampen his pain response somewhat (which is kind of scary to think about, really. I mean, good thing it isn't constant, because it would be kind of terrifying for him to constantly have to worry about getting minor injuries and not noticing them until he was dying of an infection), but it seemed like a lot to tune out. I hope he was telling the truth, though... I'd rather have to deal with him expressing genuine pain than putting on a faked front for my sake.

Fuck, I'm actually sitting here wondering if he's lying because a gunshot wound didn't look like it hurt enough. What the hell's wrong with me?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Julian seems to have a hard time deciding if he hates me or not.

It's not like I can just grab him by the shoulders and go "listen you little shit do you have any idea what I went through for your ass?" or anything, so it's kind of to be expected. I definitely don't anticipate him thanking me for what happened to him. He seems so confused, it makes me wonder if David really had Julian's best interest in mind. Sure, David's absolved of his guilt (or love, or whatever feelings made him do what he did), but Julian's the one who has to live with his actions for the rest of his life.

Maybe that's my problem-- I feel weird about this not because I expect Julian's gratitude, but because I want to help and I'm afraid he won't let me. David's post makes Julian sound similar to Jackton, at least in construction. I don't know what Jackton went through, but I know some of it was horrible. I don't know if I could live with myself if I let the unwitting victim of David's guilt go down that path. Julian might not be made to be some kind of humanity-infiltrating weapon, but there's no shortage of fucked-up things that can befall someone like him.

The real killer is how hard it's getting to be to see the difference between Jackton, Julian, and one of OverSeer's scientists' projects sometimes. I know there's an enormous difference, I can feel it. Then I write down some shit like "humanity-infiltrating weapon" and it just becomes so hard to justify to myself. Then I think about Jackton, and I hate myself for even struggling with the idea for a picosecond. It's just an endless cycle of "What if?" and me subconsciously trying to sabotage things with my mind, because I can't just relax and let things be for a little white.

I need to sleep.

- a.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So... I'm in a band now, I guess.

This might actually be helpful. It gives me something to keep my hands and mind busy, and bassists don't get in the kind of trouble I usually do.
Kind of wish I was playing the drums instead. I'm not that good on the bass, and, when it comes to working out some serious mental tension, strings just don't rank.

Still, I get to hang out and do stuff with Crimson again, which is nice. The other guy's a white Apex named AJ. Don't know much about him yet, but we sound pretty good together.

- a.

 

Big and Andrei are getting married, which means it's probably time for me to invest in a better wardrobe. I radioed out for anyone who had some dresses to sell, and all I got back was one lady offering to let me borrow hers (which doesn't really help) and another who went off on a tangent about birth and death and sounds like she spends her free time wandering through cemeteries in a swishy cape.

I think I'm just going to have one rush-delivered from somewhere on the StarNet. It'll be easier and I'm way less likely to end up waking up in a bathtub full of ice barely able to bid for my own kidneys on gBay.

The rest of today was fucking boring. I spent most of it in my room, looking up tabs so I could practice sucking at the bass until I become maybe sort of good at it. Dan stopped by, and we talked for a bit... Not about anything major, though, until he came out of left field and asked why I was still with Jackton. I said it was kind of a personal thing to ask and he apologized. Then he was saying that, if Jackton disapproves of how I live my life, it didn't make sense for me to stay. To be honest, I'm not sure if he disapproves or not. I know I feel like he does, but it's so damn hard to tell... It's like once I told Jackton it was alright for him to come along, it flipped a switch and now everything's fine. He even joked about me catching the bouquet at the wedding. Am I just not used to this, or is he really not being honest with me? I have no idea, but I feel like I should at this point... I keep thinking back to his comment about not knowing whether or not he was even capable of distinguishing love from lust. I don't know... It's amazing how one sentence from him during an argument has been enough to make me question every affectionate word he's said since. I will never say any of this to him, of course, because I can't see that ending well at all.

Crim and AJ and I jammed for a bit today. Eventually, we got bored and decided to bum around a few settlements... Nothing much was happening, though, until we contacted a guy his name's Remy (it turns out he's friends with Leon). We went to what is apparently the Empire's chief colony planet, Luminaria, which was lovely but rainy. It was going pretty well, all things considered, until we ended up viewing a slave market. Crim got up in arms about it, AJ didn't want to get involved, and I stood there and silently prayed that Crim would change his mind and not pursue things. Needless to say, Crim now has an appointment to talk to Emperor Suwedi about the slave market. Alone.

Considering that this dude told us that we'd be shot if we weren't wearing visitor's holopasses, I don't want to think about what Crim's going to be up against if he goes and tries to change the Emperor's mind. I tried to dissuade him from it, but, like happens with everyone, he assumed I was dissuading him because I think he'll fuck it up. I don't. It isn't Crim fucking it up that worries me, it's Crim ending up hurt or in some kind of trouble with me far away and unable to do anything about it.

Speaking of trouble, Julian messaged me afterward to let me know he was in some shit. Apparently, some Android enthusiast (is there a better title for those? I don't know) is interested in "collecting" him. And, since Julian doesn't know what's up with his body yet, I get to try to explain things to him without divulging who's responsible for his "birth." Or how. Or that he's technically a male-on-male baby made of him and Evan. I might need Jackton's help sooner than I figured...

- a.

 

Creeper came back to talk to Julian today. Nothing came of it-- AJ radioed me to let me know he was in the area, and I suited up and went to sit by the door and wait for either Julian's call or the sounds of an altercation. Fortunately, it all went down quietly... The guy left, Julian came to sit and talk a little bit, and I tried to figure out exactly what this dude's beef with him is. Apparently, he thinks Julian's worth his attention. Julian, of course, thinks he's perfectly normal. I think he might be safer if I keep him in the dark for a little while while I suss out exactly who (or what) is trying to get to him, but I don't know. I hate keeping it from him. Hate it.

I saw Xeera today. She seems like she's come out of her shell a little bit... I don't know if she'll ever be the same after losing Mal, but she's regained a little bit of herself. Enough for me not to worry when I introduced her to Anita.

Jackton and I spoke for a little bit, while I helped him find suitable clothes for Veronica and Andrei's wedding (on the off chance he'll be able to attend with me). I maybe sort of tried to drop a few hints here and there... Just to try to feel things out. I mentioned that he seemed like he was in a much better mood lately. He said he had a reason to be-- everything was going well for him, and we hadn't had anything to argue about recently. Later on, I mentioned that he's been mushier over the past week than he has since we got together. His response was essentially that he'd much rather be a happy, mushy boyfriend than a brooding machine.
We haven't had anything to argue about recently. He'd much rather be a happy, mushy boyfriend.
Does this mean he's choosing to act this way deliberately? Is he trying to indicate that another disagreement would end up changing his demeanor? The more I try to find out, the more I feel like I'm playing a losing hand against someone who keeps pulling face cards out of his sleeves.
Maybe I'm overthinking this again. I don't know.

- a.

I ended up going to the wedding alone. It was nice-- the sermony bits were a bit long, and I was sitting in the front pew (which always makes me feel anxious), but Aiko passed me a flask of something to help settle my nerves a little. Crimson crashed the wedding, too, which I could've hugged him for. It's not that it wasn't a lovely venue and ceremony, and it was nice seeing Big happy, but I felt like I could relax a little more with that Floran's antics and some music with a little spirit to it. I kind of regretted not asking Dan when it looked like Jackton wasn't going to be able to make it, but I also knew it would totally sound like I was treating him like some kind of runner-up and I'm not going to be that kind of chick.
I danced by myself instead.

Also saw this one Hylotl lady with a freaking gorgeous dress. Long, kind of a royal purple. I felt completely underdressed (which sucks, considering how hard it was for me to find a dress to begin with). I'll have to ask her where she got it. Some day, I'll learn how to dress myself properly.

 

(There's a folded-up page discreetly wedged into the spine between the last page and the next. It seems to be haphazardly written.)

Remy -> Arch Duke
Flamesinger -> Patrician? wht. hazmat suit, "funny visor"

Crystal tower houses AI servers, est. no more than 30 (incl. Remy's).
Redundant srvrs for Remy? Individual other AIs?
Protected by guns deact. with PW.

Remy attacked L when he said Empire sucked (re: slaves and asst. other bullshit).
L shot his arm off, was warned by Remy that he had to leave while some kind of
scan was activating. L not sure if he left in time, abandoned apt. as a precaution.
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ What does this mean?

Remy = Shaun Mendoza ???
Find out who. Why Shaun Mendoza?
L hypothesizes AE uses "dead" people to house AIs, not just Remy's
Slave trade?
Maybe Shaun wasn't dead when AE got to him

NEVAK/NEEVAK/NEVAC = big black chicken armor Floran guy

Have Dre look at gun. Self-destruct mechanism? Tracking device?
Stash in trash/boxes til Dre sees (not home or ship).
How does it work?

 

Molested by sentient compost. It surprised the hell out of me. I thought it was some kind of jacked-up wildlife that'd gotten into the bar somehow, but it kind of croaked "Spurgle" at me which reminded me of that one guy on the radio that one time. Maybe it was some kind of spurg-priest? I don't know. I tried to teach it to shake hands, and I think it gave me a concussion. I feel throw-uppy, and my drycleaning bill is going to be outrageous.

Staying in boxfort.

- a.

 

Mierda, I am so confused right now.

Jackton apologized for missing the wedding, and he's busy again today. Danien told me a lot of stuff and I got into an argument again because yes following a very strange party game (where I got dared to kiss an Avian lady a bunch of times, too). I don't even know what to think.

Oh, and Aiko came bouncing into the break bar with my underpants (the white ones with puffins). The ones I apparently didn't realize were stuffed into the pocket of my jacket when I took it out of the dryer. And which then ended up migrating into her hot tub, because sometime in a past life I ran over God's dog.

I kind of would like to crawl into a hole and die yes pls

- a.

(Below this entry, the rest of the page is just covered in doodles of stars, butterflies, flowers, and birds done in multi-colored, fruit-scented ink. A few words are sandwiched in between the drawings, gaily festooned with tiny hearts and stars.)

♥ ☆ ♥☆ I am fucking awesome ☆ ♥☆ ♥​

Look at the genius​

Look at her sit in her room
♥
​

being so awesome you don't even know
☆

•´¯`☆`•.¸.•´☆´¯`•
​

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sat around the bar trading stories with Crim and AJ for a bit. Julian was there too, though he seemed to be kind of in and out of it.
Turns out, AJ once had his teleporter control eaten. He had to follow some monstrosity around for a day to get it back, and then spend the rest of his time covered in monster doots until he could find water to clean himself off with.

Crim was chatting with a lady, who apparently thought he was a lady and freaked out when she discovered this was not the case.

I told the story about Aiko finding my underpants, and then one about getting chatted up by a Hylotl this one time. He tried to be really slick, but blew it by saying he was looking for adventures "of a sexual nature," like, way the hell too soon.

Some Floran got shot with a plasma weapon, so Crim, AJ, Remy(!), her (I think?), and I went to Tetanus to try to get her treated. No joy finding a doctor, but, last I heard, she was in stable condition.

Actually ended up talking to Remy for awhile. It was kind of heartbreaking... Turns out Shaun Mendoza does have family, and they're not that happy seeing Remy walking around with his face. Some of Remy's issues seemed similar to some of Jackton's, too... I guess it's a pretty similar situation all around, though. The only difference is that Jackton has a human brain sharing a space with an AI, while Remy seems to be all AI.

He strikes me as a kind of odd mix of Leon and Jackton. So, of course I showed him my arms and gave him my radio frequency and an address he can use to message me, because I am an enormous sucker and have no sense of self-preservation at all. It's a fucking miracle I survived to adulthood without being lured into a van full of candy and lost puppies.

He gave me his contact information, too. I wrote it down, because there is no way I am not going to lose a holocard.
It's a really fancy holocard, but still.

Julian's beginning to notice things. He took twenty eight shots of whiskey in the space of about an hour, and didn't get drunk. He says his blood isn't red. I don't know how long I can keep putting this off.

- a.

 

Everyone I know seems like they'd be much happier if I was less cynical, smiled more often, put up with their insults, didn't keep secrets, and didn't run around the everywhere like a chicken with my head cut off. In short, if I was just way less "me" in general.

I would be much happier if I didn't feel like I secretly needed other people's approval to not feel like a failure at life. I mean, I know this about myself. I'm fully cognizant of the stupid emo horseshit I'm saddled with. Why is this habit so hard to break?

- a.

 

(One corner of this page is crinkled and off-white in color, as though it's had something spilled on it. There's a drawing of a llama in the margin of the page.)

Waiting to see if Julian, Dre, or anyone else important shows up, since I haven't been able to get ahold of either of them. Some old guy poked me with a cane while I was sitting here. Asked if I was waiting for a drink. I said no, and he fucked off. Then, some guy comes up and sits next to me, and (I guess jokingly) mentioned his processors engaging and him breaking my arm after I waved my hand. Then said I couldn't take a joke when I was all "Oooh, we've got a badass over here!" and moved my seat to somewhere with less ridic bullshit.
Fucking people sometimes, I swear.

Dre better get here soon.

- a.

Danien is such a butt.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2
canoe or smth?
honey crystallizes, no
camera
silk scarves

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dan and Crim are ready. Contacted Mr. Beluga about obtaining a larger ship through the company. I passed by Leon, but was in such a bad mood (and a hurry) I couldn't really stop to chat. Dan did, though, and told me everything's alright... That's good. He's seventeen, and we're not related, but that's one of my kids right there. I couldn't let something happen to that boy any more than I could let someone cut my own heart out. That's one of my biggest fears right now... Hell, even Julian worries the shit out of me, and the biggest thing I have to worry about from him is him getting too curious about himself. And thinking about Remy, as many problems as he's caused Leon, still tugs at my heartstrings.
Dan says he's losing his sense of optimism, which is probably my fault.
Jackton called to ask me about Agarans, and I guess make some jokes about threesomes.
I can only hope Crim really understands what he's getting into, because I can't do a damn thing to help outside of sitting back and "advising".

I will never be enough for anyone.

- a.

 

(This is a loose piece of paper. It is obviously written in different handwriting from her own, and has been crumpled and smoothed out before being tucked into her notebook.)

I sit here, angry at myself. What the hell am I going to be doing with my life? I gave up traveling, and I signed up for a job, I've gotten to know some people. Sounds good right? Wrong, I miss seeing the infinite wonders of nature, knowing these people make me feel horrible the more I miss out on with them, and the fact I had to name drop for that job means that I can probably be found by the military that i ran from.. My life's fucked If I'm found. And the people I've gotten to know may be screwed if they get in the way to protect me... I.. I.. wish I hadn't done this to myself..

 

(This page doesn't have much written, mostly just a printed-out picture glued in place.)

​

Me,Waffles, and the Wayward Helpmeet (mostly-stock CCV Minnow-class Interceptor). Officially fucking fancy.​

 

(There are a couple smudges of gray and blue paint on the rightmost edge of this page.)

Now that I'm done working my tail off making this ship feel a little homier...

I spoke to, I guess, Prince Franz III today. Or some incarnation of him. Or an impostor. I don't know. From everything John told me when I visited Taranis (what feels like ages ago), it sounded like he was gone for good... I only ever saw Franz in his armor, and this Glitch was wearing regular clothes and no helmet, so it's not like I can make a visual comparison or anything. Other than that... He introduced himself to Julian and me, and asked if we'd met before. I said yes, and offered to fill in some gaps if I could.

Oh, this is the part where I should probably mention that this wasn't my first time seeing Franz again(?). The first time, we didn't speak. I heard him mention Franz's name and title and sat right where I was to spy and eavesdrop a little bit. He didn't seem to recognize me at all, which was fine by me... I figured he was an impostor. I'm not entirely convinced he isn't. It seems like an odd thing to do, though... Why would someone impersonate a well-known and decidedly dead Glitch?

I hope this is real.

I know it won't be the same as having the old Franz back, but still.

If there was ever a time I could use someone like him to look up to and ask for advice, it's now.

- a.

P.S. So, it turns out Dan was lying about ever having enlisted in the Navy. In reality, he'd been to prison. Well, not "been to" so much as "was there for a year, fucked up, and went back for seven more." He was listing some of the things he'd done-- robberies, shakedowns, and the like-- and I could feel the panicky feeling starting up again.
I started asking for some more specifics: had he beaten anyone? Maimed anyone? But that was as far as I got. I couldn't even force myself to say the words I was thinking, like I would throw up and die if I did. I kept a tight rein on it, though... He kept asking me if I was okay. I managed to brush it off until he left and I could quietly freak out without an audience.

I can't let my own issues start lumping my friends into the same category as those fuckers.
I am here and they are gone.
I don't think he's like they were.
Gods, I hope he isn't.

 

"What makes you feel sad?"

That's a hell of a "get to know you" question to hear from a stranger, isn't it? It seems so obvious. Like asking, "Does fire burn you?" or "What kind of knives cut you?" What could you possibly learn about someone that you couldn't assume off the bat?
I don't know. I said the usual stuff. Deaths, loss, sad music, et cetera. Which was, admittedly, a cop-out on my part.
More things make me angry than sad. I've worked hard at that.
Anger still lets you get shit done. Wanting to curl up in a ball and cry until you drop dead does not.
There's being proactive, then there's just being whiny and self-indulgent. I'm not doing that again.

- a.

(("You think I'll cry? I won't cry... My heart will break before I cry... I will go mad."))

 

Nothing much happened today... I cleaned up a bit, moved some things around, and hung out with Danien for a few hours. He explained more about his stint in prison, which was awkward but not as bad as I'd feared. He got a little upset with me when I mentioned that there are worse things you can do than killing someone, but... I think he gets it. He wanted me to explain (I didn't), of course, but he gets it. I'm just hoping it doesn't come up again.

That sentient pile of compost came back into the bar, and started wreaking some minor havoc. I try not to hurt things that aren't hurting me, but orders are to shoot on sight now. Considering that it clawed Aiko up pretty good (and gods only know what it's carrying), I'm okay with doing this.

Remy messaged me late at night (early in the morning? Without a sunrise, it's hard to tell. I should get some kind of timed dimmer for my ship). He stopped by to drop off Leon's tablet, the one that was apparently synced to one Leon had. He also wants me to make Leon hate him, essentially... I kind of agree. I don't know if Leon would be dissuaded just by saying, "Hey, Remy says don't talk to him anymore," but emphasizing the danger might make him listen.

Gods, I feel bad for Remy, though. I don't know if this is the first time he's had to lose a friend because they conflicted with his programming, but it doesn't seem easy for him. We went to the bar to hang out for a little bit, but the lack of decent chicken nuggets put a damper on it. Some stranger put some kind of mystery sauce (Remy hypothesizes it's made from Satan sacrifices, but she says it's all "normal ingredients." But, like... this one Glitch-type guy orders battery acid at the bar, and I know what Florans eat. Normal for who?) on the nuggets, which wasn't bad... straight-up honey barbecue would've been better, I think.

Or hot sauce. Hot sauce makes everything taste better, while also making everything taste like hot sauce.

Which reminds me, I need to find some spray cheese. I don't usually eat the real stuff, but damn do I have a weakness for that fluorescent orange pseudo-dairy-product-in-a-can sometimes.

Anyway, the late nights must be catching up to me... Even with the nap I took, I still ended up dozing off in my seat (which I've never done before, and which was kind of frightening when I woke up). I beamed back to the ship, and Waffles had shredded half of my shower curtain because I don't know how to close doors properly.

Going to take another nap and hope tomorrow's a little more interesting.

- a.

(Under this entry, there's a note tucked into the spine of the book.)

 

Sentient compost came back to cause trouble. Worst of all, it managed to take enough electricity to kill a human without going down... What the hell do we do now? The thing's dodged bullets, survived a hell of a tazing... I hope Dre might be able to come up with a way to take it out for good. Worst of all, there are apparently a bunch more just like it.

As a side bonus, it fired off some kind of spore cloud after I zapped it. I was near Leon and a dude with a pimp cane (and a record label-- more on that later), but Leon had a hat covering his face and I was crouched down so I think I got the worst of it. Right in the face. It made my vision go all blurry and I started to feel woozy, which made me freak the hell out a little bit. Fortunately, Pimp Cane brought me some benzodiazepines and Leon grabbed me some juice.

After I was done sleeping that off, I talked to Aiko for a bit at the bar. Some Floran guy and some chick wearing enough armor to plate a tank got into some shit, or something (she tried to explain it at one point, but she picked a really bad time and I just had zero fucks to devote to paying attention). He apparently tried to rob her to pay for an operation for a sick kid, but the numbers he quotes seemed kind of... astronomical. There's also the problem of the fact that he kind of flip-flopped between this kid needing an operation of some sort and already being dead, and that I'm not sure how he thought he'd get nearly a million pixels by robbing people for loose change.
He ended up fatally shooting himself.

I understand desperation. I understand the allure of seeking a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I just don't understand what he thought he'd be able to do for his daughter from beyond the grave... If there was a daughter. It was so conflicting, disjointed, and confusing. I feel for anyone who is as miserable as this guy seemed to be, but I still have no idea if he was even telling the truth. Even if I was ready to gun him down if he made a wrong move, I'm just glad I wasn't the one who had to pull the trigger in the end. The whole thing was a sad mess even before he painted the walls like a water balloon full of vegetable soup.

Aiko busted out some tequila afterward. The kind that smells like someone working on a car. The real stiff coal that only even becomes remotely drinkable after about four shots in. I don't know how the hell much we drank, but I know I'll never be doing that after taking any kind of pharmaceutical again. I think I could've achieved the same effect by injecting industrial solvent directly into my eyeballs, and it would've given me less of a headache.

And still, somehow, I wasn't the one who ended up crying after some kind of screaming mutant baby thing started tearing ass around and shrieking for a babysitter. That honor fell to some white-haired guy I offered to pay to kindly "escort" the screaming mutant baby thing off of the premises.
I am never trying to command a brute squad again, I am either clearly terrible at it or just spectacularly fucking inept at hiring effective brutes.

- a.

P.S.- Remy has Numi on holodisc. Like, way more episodes than I've been able to download (especially since I look for the subbed version, the dubs are always pretty terrible from my experience). It's too bad that going to Luminaria would be so awkward, we could totally have a Numi marathon. Maybe somewhere else?

P.P.S.- Yeah, I know how weird that seems in light of everything. Still... Even with the slaving, even with the situation with Leon, I can't help but like Remy. Maybe he was programmed that way, I don't know. It seems like there's a good person under all of that programming, though, and I'd like to help him keep that intact.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

crisse de calisse de tabarnac
il est vivant
julian, where are you?
caralho, eu não sei​

 

(There are a few brownish flecks on the page here and there.)

That fucking creature that's been hassling Aiko's bar came back.
I know people tell me it's a Floran, but I really hesitate to call it one... I've known too many other Florans, it's kind of given me a mental block when it comes to considering this thing the same species as someone like Crimson, Flora, Bloodrazer, or SharpTooth.
It tore Dan up good-- apparently he decided to go up against it without just shooting it on sight, and he paid for that in full.

On the plus note, Dre finished a little side-project that should take it out for good.
Well, I shouldn't call it "little." It's fucking enormous. Like, legitimately too big for me to fire by myself.
Fortunately, with Dan out of commission for the time being and P-8 off doing his own thing, Dre offered to gun the little creeper down himself.
That, I'd be excited to see... even if it means owing him a back rub afterward. After seeing what he can do with projectile weaponry, I'm definitely inclined to stay in his good graces.

Wolfram turned up for the demonstration of Dre's project, too. It took me a minute to remember his name... We met on Avalon, and I haven't seen him in a dog's age. He said he "certainly remembered" me, which started making me wonder whether I'd gotten drunk and done something stupid in front of him or owed him money. Maybe Aiko just told him about the puffins.

Anyway, went to the Prancing Dragon after that. Dre and I got kicked out for not ordering enough(!), while Remy apparently had some hell of fancy chicken nuggets. We sat outside once we got kicked out, they didn't seem to care. Some waiter offered to bring us drinks after that, so I ordered a glass of wine. Dre ordered some cider.
I received a very good glass of red wine (I really need to figure out what kind-- my ship needs a stash).
Dre received a pineapple.

Just a whole pineapple. Sitting there. All not-bearing-any-resemblance-at-all-to-cider-what-so-fucking-ever-or-anything.
The waiter didn't seem to see any problem with this. So, it was me, Dre, and a completely undrinkable pineapple.
I don't know if I had too much to drink or not nearly enough, but I could've sworn I heard it talk at one point.
Decided to play it safe and gave Dre the rest of my glass of wine. I don't need to be fucking around with some kind of shady ventriloquist bullshit produce.

So, we hung out and talked for awhile (Dre and I, that is. Pineapple excluded), until it got too late. Then... I don't know what the hell happened, but two torn-up Avians came staggering out of the restaurant. Dre bounced on me, so I had me, an unconscious black-feathered Avian who passed out in the fountain, and another one who looked three sheets to the wind. I'm standing there with jackshit fuckall for medical supplies, so I ended up cutting up the dude's jacket for bandages to try to slow the bleeding until a doctor came. Two did, eventually, so I kind of hung around in the background just in case I'd have to explain myself... ended up with an Avian blaster, too. I'm going to have to figure out who to return it to.
Maybe Skarti'll know, if I ever see him again. Guess I'll be stuck carrying around another gun until then.

- a.

 

I saw Jackton again, after entirely too long. He looked... rough. Really rough. He's lost a lot of weight, and just doesn't look healthy. He's also covered in tattoos now, but I've been to enough clubs on Earth not to bat an eye at some ink. Told me about some kind of Floran cargo cult he'd run into (and subsequently been stuck with). All I know is it seems like it did a number on him and his ship.

He mentioned wanting to just get rid of the ship, and that he'd missed me, he'd been faithful while he was gone, and some other things that made it seem like the conversation was headed in a Direction. Then, he said "consider this a proposal if you want, but..."

I don't think I responded the way he would've liked. I don't know if I'll see him again after this. I honestly thought I wouldn't after one particular argument we'd had where I questioned his feelings for me, and I really doubt doing the same thing with a proposal involved is going to end much better. I don't know.

But what the hell could I say? He's better than anyone I know at fucking with my head! I said if he wanted to get rid of his ship, he should know he was always welcome on mine. That he didn't need to feel like he somehow "owed" me a proposal just because he's made me worry so much (which is honestly what it sounded like). And wasn't he the one who said he wasn't sure if he could distinguish between love and lust? He insisted he'd never said that... I don't know if he honestly doesn't remember, or if it's gaslighting.

I don't know what to do now. I still love him. I know he'll always be in my thoughts, in some form.
But I doubt I'm going to hear from him again. He's already mentioned being able to re-order his thoughts. To forget unpleasant things he doesn't want to remember. He might not even recognize my face by now, if I've upset him enough. I have no idea what he's thinking, so all I can do is assume the worst. I just don't know.

So, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I went down to Haus, I walked up to Ashlyn, I bummed a cigarette, and I bought the biggest G&T they could fit in a glass. I guess I can live without closure, if that's what he decides it's come down to. I'll get my head around it somehow. I can't spend my life waiting to hear from someone who doesn't want to speak to me... but for now, I will.

- A.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Found an interesting watering hole called the Midnight Cabaret, on some industrial backwater durasteel planet named "Liberty Mills." Pretty place inside, and the atmosphere seemed to match my mood perfectly (dark, smoky, with lots of corners I could sit and feel sorry for myself in).

The tender's a woman named Gytha, but apparently everyone calls her "One-eyed Gytha." I don't know how old she is, but she seems about as ancient as the rocks ground down to make dirt. She asked me what was troubling me, and, in true barfly fashion, I spilled. Not everything, of course-- just the moody, angsty, boy-trouble bits. In return, she made me a drink, cut me a slice of cake, and told my fortune on a cocktail napkin.

I think I like it here.

- A.