Tenca's Journal

*Her book is an unlabeled black leather journal with a crimson silk bookmark ribbon built into the spine. It looks to be brand new. Hiding in plain sight, this journal can be found on Tenca's bookshelf. She writes passages in either high Avosi or Common, depending on her mood.*

 

I promised myself I wouldn't write. "Keeping a journal is dumb. It just leaves a trail." I guess that's still true. But I bumped into a man a few weeks ago quite literally and lifted what I thought was his wallet from a jacket inner-pocket. Turns out I stole his diary. He didn't seem too happy about it. He and about four others chased me down to take it back, but we were interrupted by a third party. Long story short, I ended up escaping and had a chance to read it. This man, Ironbeak, had been keeping up with his adventure for- a lot longer than I have. Every page was filled to the brim with his experiences and feelings. I thought it was fantastic, getting to relive his life in the passenger seat. I felt his determination to find other Grounded. I felt his sorrow when he had to leave behind friends for whom he cared greatly. There was a lot of emotion in those pages. More than I was prepared to thumb through, anyway. My point is, I had never wanted to keep a journal because the adventures I've had are the kind that, if read about, could get a girl into some serious trouble. But I really need someone to talk to these days. And I'm not exactly the most approachable woman this side of the Milky Way, either. The rumors don't help. My name is Tenca 'Cinnamon' Downsilk, and I'm a space pirate that lives for the thrill of the chase and the rush of battle. But I'm also a woman. I think, I breathe, and I feel. And right now, I feel alone.

When I was a little girl, I used to love fighting and proving that I was stronger than everyone else. Sometimes when we were playing Ullamaliztli at school I would knock down the bigger boys just to prove I could. I never was very good at Ulla. As I got older, mom and dad told us stories about their time in a place called the Antares Frontier, just by Fringe Space. Kahlua and I were shocked to find out that our parents- role models for the entire district of Strixus- were once a pair of outlaws terrorizing space. We couldn't believe it. They had to be lying. But as we grew older and they told us more stories, we began to learn. They taught us how to fight, how to provide for ourselves, and dad taught me how to steal. He'd always been great with words. It would drive mom crazy when he would bring home other women for 'tea' and told us to go play outside. Looking back, I can kinda see why she'd get steamed. Anyway. Kahlua, my brother, never really took to the cloak and dagger like I did. He was more interested in protecting and saving everyone from all of the zero enemies of our peaceful colony. After school some days, though, we would race our way along the rooftops of the market and temple district. Sometimes dad would bake fresh Featherfood for us when we got home. The winner always got to choose the first piece. I used to get so frustrated because he beat me almost every time... I remember one time I even cheated and he still won. I was so mad I bumped his hand before he could take a bite and he dropped his Featherfood. He cried. I think that was the first time I realized I was a 'bad girl.' I'd always had problems controlling my anger, but my early teens was the worst. My body, like everyone else's, went through its metamorphosis. Kahlua got lucky... He grew to be tall and muscular and handsome. All the hens fell in love with him at first sight, of course. I wasn't as fortunate... I'm a late bloomer. I never passed 5'5" until I turned 22. My hips weren't as broad as all the other women in school. It drove me crazy. I was furious. The only thing I had going for me was a pretty face and beautiful feathers. So I was shocked one day when a boy I had never really paid attention to brought me flowers. He said he thought I was a really pretty girl and he wanted me to come over and help him collect fruit from the tree to surprise his mom. It was so shocking, in fact, that I didn't know how to respond. I froze. And then I punched him right square in the beak. It knocked him into the dirt, too. In front of everyone... He gave me this look of utter betrayal and was already crying before I realized what I had done. I was mortified. And I ran. I ran home and cried that whole night and begged mom and dad to let me stay home from school. I just couldn't face him after what I'd done. I never did get a chance to apologize.

Anyhoot... fast-forward a few years to the end of school. I had made some friends through titanic effort. Tough boys, mostly. I was popular with the wrestling and grapple team. I didn't get to stay on the wrestling team for the whole year because of a miscommunication of the rules; Apparently it's faux-pas to throw sand in your opponents' eyes. Regardless, I had made a name for myself for being rough-and-tumble. But everyone on Strixus has to serve mandatory time in the Planetary Defense army. It's an uncommon tradition, but looking back, I think it's a great system. Not only did the army teach us important survival skills, combat drills, how to fly ships (commercial license course for free, you can't beat that), but they also taught us technical skills to provide for our families- to protect and provide for our wives, husbands, sons, and daughters. The only problem was my reputation had preceded me, and I learned real quick that a haughty attitude and dirty tricks don't fly in the cut-and-dry. I learned a new-found respect for men and women in uniform. I also learned that there's a time and place for being sneaky, rude, and beguiling. That eight-year stretch wasn't it. But it never left my mind. And I sure did take plenty of chances to get away with little things, much to the dismay of my squadmates when I was busted. It's not to say that I didn't love every second of our training. Kahlua and I entered at the same time and we were placed in the same squad. Having him by my side was probably what got me through it all. There was never a time when I wanted to quit. There were times when I was so tired and so frustrated and filthy from working and straining that I would just cry tears of pain and anger, but I never once thought of quitting. In the back of my mind, all I could think was 'this won't last forever. Time is still moving. I will do this.' And he was right there by my side, experiencing it all with me. We graduated together in a class of 36. The original platoon was 40 men and 15 women. When Kahlua and I stood on the stage and received our medals in our shiny dress armor and capes, our parents just started bawling. I felt a tremendous pride in my chest for achieving something through hard work and sweat and tears.

During our service contract, there was never a war. The districts of Strixus had been at peace for my entire life, but we were still assigned to the Redtail Market district to protect it from petty criminals and thieves. I wasn't super excited about that, of course. To make matters worse, Kahlua was later transferred to the temple district without me. I think it's the first time I'd really felt alone. Some days I truly didn't feel like patrolling the streets. Sometimes I would change my routes on the fly, just to see if anyone was memorizing my path to get up to any goobery. It's what I'd do. Sometimes, I'd even nick an avesmingo here or an oculemon there just for the thrill. Nobody suspects the average-looking woman in guard armor when something goes missing. Especially when she promises to do her best to track down the filth that robbed their stand. It was a good gig, I think. Kahlua, meanwhile, did his duty like the good little angel he's always been. Along his routes he would help the old ladies mend their fences and mailboxes, bring a cute hen some flowers to brighten her day, or some other inane goody-goody nonsense. He said he really enjoyed those days. To this day he still swears he and that owl had nothing going on, but he always was a terrible liar. Especially to me. Sometimes Kahlua and I would still meet up for a race. During training I had filled out considerably. The Army taught us about nutrition and proper exercise habits, and I never really fell out of them. I gained a little more than 3 inches in height. My hips and thighs also filled out from the rucks, the squats, and the marches/runs they put us on. My arms and chest saw considerable growth, too. If I had to pick a reason, it'd probably be all the push-ups I earned for being so naughty. He too grew larger. It would prove to be his downfall. Even without our armors he could never quite catch up to me in our last few years on Strixus. It must've been so frustrating for him. I can only imagine.

When our contract finally ended, mom and dad told us their last story before they'd gotten married. Dad had built a colony from nothing but sticks and leaves called Hope Springs- a sanctuary for Grounded Avians. Over the course of months he recruited men and women from all over to settle the Springs and offer asylum to others of their kind. It sounded like an absolute paradise. A frigid forest with a constant dusting of snow. The hot springs at the base of a mountain were the only source of natural heat, and there were even caverns running into and under them, growing hotter the deeper one swam. He and mom were both fugitives at the time, using the Springs to hide. Dad had suffered a critical wound and was on the mend. Mom was a savage felon and needed a place to hide after four bounty hunters tried to murder her and she fought them all off. While naked. But not before burning down an entire colony. I can appreciate that level of carnage. Both had a price on their heads. A small crew of Flightless operatives descended on the Springs one night and attacked them. They destroyed the bridge leading to my parents' home, cutting them off from escape or aid from the other Grounded avians living there. They didn't stand a chance, anyway. They were beaten and captured. Long story short, they escaped, but were unable to return to the Springs for fear of bringing the Flightless back down on their people. So they led a grand chase away from the Springs, causing as much noise as they could by robbing, burning, and philandering about to take the heat off of them. During this time, unbeknownst to them, they were pregnant with Kahlua. When they found out, they immediately put the brakes on the wild-life and fled far, far away to settle down and raise us proper. At the end of this story, mom and dad explained that their ships still orbited Hope Springs. We were sent to retrieve the ships- and their diaries. When we got there, the planet was exactly as it was described... an absolute paradise. I have never been as enraptured and relaxed as I was when I sank into the Spring for the first time... I still remember the biting chill nipping at my beak while the rest of me was submerged in absolute bliss... We met the other Grounded, too. What was left of them, anyway. We recovered the books and the ships without any hassle. Kahlua refused to read them, but I had to know more about mom and dad. Their stories about life before us were so intriguing. And I'm glad that I peeked. I learned a lot of what I know from his notes. Likewise, I found a lot of solace in mom's diary knowing that she often felt the way I do. Angry. Alone. Scared. Always with a tough front. Everything was turned upside down, though, when Karo and Volare learned mom and dad were still alive. They begged us to call them and convince them to come. And once we had their ships, it was possible.

I was eager to split from the rest of the flock. I spent my time doing stakeouts, sizing up places to rob, trying to find marks... unsurprisingly, there wasn't much money to be found on the frontier. But my first big break here came when I learned about a medical shipment coming to a developing colony. Enlisting the help of another avian, we disabled the ship and the crew, then ransomed off the supplies, the ship, and the people on-board. Later on after doing some digging, I heard a rumor of an old tomb with some potential goodies. It took a while, but I managed to scout it out, assemble a team, then we raided it. It wasn't a smooth operation by any means. But those of us that survived walked away with heavier pockets, for sure. I managed to get in touch with someone who needed some dirty work done, too. A weapons shipment needed hijacking. That one went over just fine. I caught one of the guards by surprise and held a knife to her throat. She wasn't eager to spill the beans, but she warmed up to me in time. The same man who commissioned that job also wanted me to smash some girl's face in for five grand. She's a sweet, innocent kid, but money's money, and I rather like money. I think my favorite job I've taken since I got here was making this annoying kid disappear for thirteen grand. He and I got along fine, but as soon as money got involved, he figured out real quick which I prefer. The latest work I managed to polish off was a distress beacon begging for help. A friend of mine asked if I wanted to check it out, so I figured 'at the very least, there's probably some shit we can steal.' The place was a weather monitoring station- and a fucking death trap infested with literal dragons. There's too much on the subject to write about in this passage since I'm already starting to get sleepy, but I might come back to it in the future in detail. We ended up stealing tons of data servers and scrapping them for a good chunk of change. It was a fruitful endeavor.

 

'Abrasive' and 'Brusque' are probably pretty high on the list of words that could be used to describe me and the way I handle people. I've never really had a great relationship. In fact, up until around the end of February I'd never even slept with a man. Aside from the barracks, but that doesn't count. He caught me by surprise, in all honesty. We met online in a chatroom on the local network node. He said I had a pretty face, and I really didn't know how to deal with it. So, like anything else, I just applied hostility to make the nice words stop flowing. He caught up to me later at a tavern in a nearby system. After a few drinks, I figured I'd give it a try. So we started talking. He tried pouring on the charm, but I never really believed him. I'd seen boys that talked to girls like that back home to get a quick shag, but I never really invested much time or thought to it. Any time someone had approached me like that back home they really never got past the mental shielding I put up. This time, though, things were a little different... by the end of the night, he walked me to the teleporter and saw me off after we exchanged info. It was a good time. I felt... really happy. It really, truly felt like he wanted to get to know me and spend time with me beyond sitting in a dimly-lit room that smells like piss and smoke. I wanted to believe that he was maybe different than the boys back home. He didn't have a spine like they did. he wasn't as strong or as gorgeous as they were, but he was sweet. And he was patient. I told him that I'd never had someone to call a boyfriend on Lovers' Day. Or Valentine's, as the humans call it. I did, however, have a ship engine that needed a check-up. I maintain my equipment really well. By the book. Everything by the book, all the time. But... I wanted to see him again. So I offered him a job. A quick one-off to come make sure everything was on-point. The mechanic showed up on time and got to work after a little chit-chat shit-shooting. When he was finished, he asked me to come and check his work at the panel. When I moved in to open it.... there was a heart-shaped box of chocolates inside. And a letter. I didn't really know what to do or what to say. I remember feeling flooded with this hot sensation in my face, like I was on fire and being held underwater in a tub full of icewater at the same time. I didn't even realize I had been holding my breath until he said something. All I could think about was the boy with the flowers I had punched when I was little and how miserable that had made me feel. So I told him yes. That I would go out with him. And so... that's how I met my first boyfriend. Lacunos Rummek. A green-plumed avian mechanic who somehow always says the dumbest shit at the worst possible times.

*There are three small, circular water driplets in the page, smearing some of the ink.*

I chose our first date. It would be a hike in the woods over the weekend. We started on a friday. I'd intended to approach this 'dating' thing from a sort of analytical perspective. I'm an asshole, but it doesn't mean I'm uneducated. I was inexperienced in how to deal with boys, and I was determined to get it right in one go. So... I tried to figure out just what he was capable of. Could he provide for me? Was he a suitable partner? Did he have skills that would be useful to me? Initially, I decided that no, Lacunos wasn't any kind of man. But I was, as stated, determined. I tried to teach him a few skills. how to tie a knot, how to lay snares, how to prepare and cook rabbits and varmints, how to choose a suitable camp in a dangerous environment, how to find wild edible vegetables, etc. We were having fun, too. He was funny, admittedly. Very charming and flirty. It made me feel... special to get that kind of attention from him. He came all that way to be with me, despite the fact that he's a pizza-guzzling nerd with the IQ of two rocks in a sock. The first night we took up camp in some old ruins. Before settling down, I taught him how to tie knots and lay snares, setting out a few around camp for the night. We sat and talked by the fire for a long time, enjoying wild vegetable soup. I use the word 'enjoying' ironically, since the 'soup' was mostly starch. But it was food, and a certain measure of pride comes with eating something you prepared from nature. After we ate, we covered the staircase with an iron crate that was nearby to stop any animals from getting to us, then laid out our sleeping bags and turned in for the night. *there's several smears in the ink here, as if her hand moved to and from the spot several times before finally writing in.* I wanted to turn in. But he kept saying things to me. He kept teasing me, and I lost my cool. I crept out of my sleeping bag and I cornered him in his. As much as I want to forget it, I stole my first kiss from him. It was hot, it was passionate, and it was real. I don't know what made me want to do it. Something about the way he challenged me then just lit a fire in my chest and I don't really know what happened. I hate it. But it was a learning experience. The way he held my head and drew me back in for another kiss made my knees weak and my face hot. I remember it was hard to breathe. especially when his beak was holding mine closed. When we finally broke free, I just slithered back into my sleeping bag and laid there, silent. I don't know how long I stayed there before I finally fell asleep, but it felt like an icy eternity.

In the morning, we skinned a few animals that were caught in our traps. I taught him how to quarter the smaller animals and, while it was disgusting, it put delicious meat in our bellies. We were going to need the fuel and the protein for a long day of hiking and climbing. We did more talking along the way to our next campsite, which was a burned out ship that a drug dealer was using to grow his product in some time ago. The place was empty, unfortunately. It's too bad; I wouldn't have minded taking a trip. Thankfully, though, the dirt he used to plant his stuff in was still soft and tilled, perfect for laying sleeping bags on. What's more, was a full barrel of clean-ish water to wash up our bodies and clothes with. We didn't trust it enough to drink it. We still had some water and soup, anyway. He and I got to playing around a good bit. I kept forgetting he wasn't just 'one of the guys.' Punching and joshing him around really shook him up, and I definitely took things overboard. I remember grabbing him in a headlock and leading him to the water barrel before dunking him after he made a smart-aleck remark. While he was submerged, I wasn't holding him too tight. He could've broken free if he wanted to, and I would've let go if he struggled. But he never did. He only tried talking under the water- and then he went limp. He was only under for like, ten or fifteen seconds tops. I set him loose and he just flopped down to the dirt like a sack of beets. I remember feeling sick. Punching a boy in the face for bringing me flowers was one thing, but drowning Lacunos would have been a whole new level. I remember shrinking back to the wall by the entrance and thinking through what I was going to do if he really was dead. I called out to him, though, and he answered. It turns out he was just trying to scare me. I suppose it worked. You asshole.

The next afternoon we set out for home, climbing our way down out of the overgrowth that has overtaken the planet surface. Before we reached the first place we set camp, we were ambushed by a pack of four Kormonts- horrible black serpentine dogs. I'd only ever read about them, but seeing them in the flesh sent chills down my spine. They lined up at the mouth of the cavern, the bio-luminescent orbs on their bodies lined up together and made them look like there were eight or nine- a hoard. I remember dropping my bag and telling Lacu to run. Everything after is a blur. I remember hearing him cry out behind me, then I felt something thick and powerful bowl me over onto the ground. By the time I was able to scramble into a defensive position with my knife, one of them lunged at me, opening its mouth wide- gaping like a horrible fairy-tale monster. I remember twisting my body and sending my arm down its throat- along with the vibro-blade that split its neck in two. Its body kept going, and I was thrown to the ground beneath it, struggling to get free while Lacu was crying out. It took me some time to get my shredded arm out of the dying thing's mouth, but by that time, I was too terrified to notice how cut up I was. Lacunos had one of the things wrapped around his body and its jaws were sunk into his shoulder. If I didn't do something, he was going to die here. Two of the Kormonts had gone after our bags for the soiled dishes I had from gutting the animals and the bottle of leftover veggie soup. I raised my knife to stab down into the one that held Lacu, letting loose some kind of horrible primal roar. I don't even remember why I screamed the way I did. Maybe to scare it, maybe to scare myself more than the monsters scared me. And just before I could strike the beast, the pack leader howled out, directing them to the dying Kormont. In what could only be described as ritual execution, the pack leader crushed the dying Kormont's skull in its jaws before they all descended on it, tearing the dead creature apart while I scooped up Lacunos in my arms. We ran. We ran for a long time. We didn't stop running until we reached our first camp. I didn't realize how bad his wounds were until I saw him in the light of the fire. For the most part, I was able to treat our battered behinds with shreds of my tank top, but I knew we were going to get infected, since we didn't bring medicine. He didn't seem to appreciate this, as I can imagine, but we were both still breathing, we were decently fed, and we weren't far from town. Both our phones were dead and it was too dark and dangerous to travel. We argued a lot. We argued about who should watch the fire and make sure the Kormonts didn't get us. We argued about who would sleep on the only remaining sleeping bag. It was dumb. But we survived, and in the morning we left for town, then staggered into the hospital after to get properly treated and shots of antibiotics. They gave me painkillers and dug Kormont teeth out of us both. He said we should make matching necklaces. Apparently his coping method is humor.

Reliving this is making me exhausted. But this 'fairy-tale' doesn't end there. A few days later I tried to meet him again. I wanted to compromise with him to pick an activity we could both enjoy, like building something. But he told me he wanted some time for the boys and some space. I didn't mind giving him all the time he wanted, I just wanted to make a game-plan for when we finally did something. He promised me we would get together by the end of the week, said some sweet things to me, and then we hung up for the night. I went out by myself a few nights just to stir up some trouble and see who all was about. As it got closer to the 'end of the week,' I grew more anxious. Giddy. Expectant. Thursday night I spent online, just waiting. Friday, much the same... monitoring comms and sticking to myself. By saturday, I was heartbroken... He promised me we would do something, then he stood me up. And then acted like I was being unreasonable. Maybe I was? I don't think so. Knowing what I know now, I'm certain I put too much faith into something that wasn't meant to be. I can't remember when it was, but at some point, he tried to tell everyone I was his girlfriend. This was humiliating to me at the time. Embarrassing to no end. I remember getting a running start to jump on the table he was sitting at. I didn't mean to actually do what I did. I had meant to jump on the table and slide into him, rather than full-on dropkick him out of his seat, but I was going too fast. This was taking things way, way too far, I knew it then, and I felt horrible. There was no excuse for acting that way. We fought over it. We both said some things we shouldn't have and we parted on bad terms. I can still remember the nausea I felt after we split up. After a little time had passed, I sent him a message and told him to meet me. I told him we needed to talk. He came to me like a puppy with its tail between its legs. I swear he thought I was going to spike him and sell his organs. But I didn't... instead, I brought him back to my apartment. He's the only other person who knows where my safehouse is. He skulked in the doorway for the majority of our conversation. I needed to apologize to him, to tell him that I was sorry for treating him so badly. What I did was unacceptable. He seemed angry, still, which was understandable. Eventually, we had calmed down enough to hold a steady conversation. He had begun to cry. I told him I wanted to give it another shot. That we should keep trying. He didn't seem to understand at first. I gave him the option to leave, but invited him to stay with me for that get-together he flaked on me. In the end, I convinced him to sit with me on the couch. We smoked weed for hours, laughing at each other's jokes, indulging in the sweet chocolates that he gave me, and then we made love for the first time.

When I woke up, I was clinging to him like a warm, feathery piece of driftwood on silky ocean waves. I remember being surprised to see him, but at the time, I wasn't too disappointed. I could've done worse for my first time, all things considered. The way he held me and spoke to me that morning made me feel special. He made me feel beautiful and happy all in the first few minutes of the morning. It wasn't going to last though, unfortunately. We got into another argument shortly after and he left to start his day. A few days later I left the sector for a few days to get a little vacation. While in Fringe Space, I pickpocketed Ironbeak, the avian I mentioned earlier. After flipping through his journal and experiencing his adventure, I knew I needed to return it. So I spent a few days hiding out and wandering the streets searching for him. His companion had shoved a bunch of business cards down my jacket when I wasn't looking, so I have their frequency for a radio hail, but this is more personal than just a call... Meanwhile, back home, Lacunos had decided that he wanted to take another woman on a date while I was away from the sector, thinking I wouldn't find out. Little did he know, the woman he was seeing was friends with dad. I was speaking with Lacunos over the phone before he told me that he needed to go because he was 'on the job.' I had no idea what he really meant. I thought it was fishy since it was around 10PM, which is late for fixing something. But I never suspected he would betray me like this. Not after telling me I was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Telling me that there's more to me than looks. Telling me that I'm out of his league, too driven, motivated, and this and that and every time I think about it he MAKES ME SICK. He took her home to his apartment that he rented while I was gone to fuck this woman THIRTY FEET AWAY FROM WHERE WE MADE LOVE. Where he promised me we could make it work. He bought her flowers and asked her to stay the night. He knew exactly what he was doing. That sleazeball never gave a shit about me. He just wanted to add another pussy to his sick, twisted collection. He must've said the sweetest things to her, too. He must've pretended to be interested in whatever gay, boring horse-shit job that bookend has. She stopped him, though. Hah, oh, I'll bet he was so disappointed. I would give my right hand to have been there. To have seen the look on his fucking idiot face when she told him she knew about me before walking out on him. Dad said he sent him messages begging him not to tell me what had happened. Dad told him to meet me for dinner when I arrived so he could come clean about what a disgusting bag of filth he is to everyone at once. The woman was also going to be there to be sure he didn't lie about it. He thought he was so slick, too.

I remember being the first one to the new tavern. Dad met me and we talked, but he wouldn't tell me anything about why Lacunos was sending me weird messages. All would be explained, he said. I was angry. I hate it when people won't just say what they mean. I was nervous. I was anxious. Amethyst, the woman Lacunos tried to bag showed up next, and she wouldn't say anything either. At first, I was afraid that dad had contracted cancer or something. Finally, that putrid pusball showed up, taking a seat between me and Amethyst. He wouldn't talk at first, acting ashamed. It was all an act. He didn't care. He's never cared. And it was obvious, too. He even admitted that he only wanted to sleep with Ametzl, then he tried to blame it on me- he said that I was just 'so crazy' he 'didn't know how to handle me.' And then, much to everyone's fucking shock, he tried to blame dad, too- saying that he was 'jealous of the way that she let him talk to her.' You dumb fucking idiot- you don't cheat on your woman because you're jealous of her dad, you cheat on your woman because you're a weak, spineless coward who's disrespectful to women. After I lost my cool and shouted a bit, I had a seat and collected myself. I told Amethyst to tell us her side of the story. And I asked if he showed any remorse. Any regret at all- any kind of sign. I was so hopeful. A glimmer of salvation would do. But she just shook her head. He knew what he was doing. All that little boy cares about is pussy. I don't have room for garbage like him in my life, so I stood up and told him to leave. He refused and tried to mouth off to me. I don't even remember what he said. I just remember a hot flood behind my eyes before I leapt at him, clawing and punching and kicking and grappling, and the knot on my head says there was a headbutt in there too. We fought for what felt like hours... we ended up wrestling onto the floor of the tavern and he kicked me in the top of the head. Right in my crest. The very same feathers he used to stroke and caress when he whispered sweet things to me. He tried to scramble to his feet and run away, seeking shelter with the others, but as soon as he made the mistake of turning his back, I was on him. I put everything I had into it. He hyper-extended my ankle, but I didn't care. I ran and picked up speed before drop-kicking him full force in his spine, sending him down the staircase. I couldn't move for a long time. I remember just laying there nursing wounds, fuming and generally just being so pissed and disgusted and absolutely livid. My everything hurt and I just wanted the day to end. But Lacunos wasn't moving. I forced myself to crawl over to the edge of the steps to look down and see him lying at the bottom, bleeding from his head. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a sick, twisted sense of gratification seeing him lying there, getting his comeuppance. Thankfully, he was alive. I'm not sure I could forgive myself if I'd actually killed him. Even though I just committed a felony in front of everyone in the room, they let me walk away. Limp away, really. Of the two of us, I definitely got the better end of the deal. He caught my heel from a full-force kick to the ribs and one to the back of the head and his lower back, as well as a headbutt to the face. My ankle is still plenty sore as of this writing, but the swelling has gone down considerably. The knot in my head is gone, too. Before I left, I was still angry. I told them to tell him when he wakes up that 'I'm not done with him yet.' Honestly... at this point, I just want him out of my life. Initially, I wanted to ruin his reputation. Let everyone know what a scumbag he is. Let everyone know that he's just going to lie to them to get what he wants, then throw it all away when he's done with them. Dad tried to walk me out. Admittedly, it was at least a mile back home. We were both shocked to find Raybina called us a hoverbike, driven by that blue-feathered dork. He forked over the keys to dad, then I snatched them from him. I'd never driven a hover vehicle, but I needed something to keep my mind off of everything. I'd also never heard dad scream like a little fledgeling.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep having to force myself to eat. I've been sleeping on the couch since it happened. I can't bring myself to talk with anyone, even on the local internet nodes. I can't stand this apartment. It still smells like him. I've washed my bedsheets at least six times, but they still have his scent between every fiber. It makes my stomach churn. I still run every other day and keep working out, but I just can't push myself anymore. There's no improvement. No drive. I can't be angry at Lacunos anymore, as hard as I try. I'm tired of being angry. Now I'm just sad. but I won't waste anymore tears on him. He's not good enough for that. I wanted to ruin his reputation by putting out a statement and evidence and all this dumb shit... but it all seems so petty. Nobody cares. Everyone has already chosen their side, mine or his. For whatever reason, Refract seems to side with me, but I'm not innocent either. I tried turning myself in, but they insisted that because it happened in the Outer Zone that Refract's laws didn't apply... truthfully, I think I just wanted to spend a few nights in the Enforcer Station cells to escape from this apartment.

I've started drinking a little more frequently. I didn't notice it at first because I usually have a glass of wine with dinner in the Center, but before I knew it, one glass became two, three. More than once I've stumbled home since the incident. I didn't think one sleazeball would fuck up my flow this badly... I'm a beautiful, educated, clever woman who's stronger than anyone I've ever met. So why is this weak little nobody holding me down?

I threw out the chocolates he gave me today. An avian was passing by while I was crying by the trash can. I couldn't really bring myself to throw them away, so I gave them to him instead and stormed off. He was probably very confused, I imagine. At least the rest of them didn't go to waste. I don't think I'll be able to eat chocolate again for a while. Which sucks. Whatever the reason, I can't say no to a good chocolate treat. If only he'd brought me pretzels or something. Maybe this would have never happened.

Anyway. I may be a mean lady, but I still have a heart, you know? Mine's still a little raw and it's going to be some time before I can open up and find another man worth anything. Well... I mean, maybe it'll be a while before I look. I've met a man. A real man who can provide for himself and has actual marketable skills. Drive. Passion. His name is Kachullu-Koh of the Shooloo flock, a clan of hunters on Avos. Many of his kin were displaced by the loyalists, which is a crying shame. He's a good man. I admire him greatly, and he seems fond of me, too. His animal companion, a hunting bird, Scaveran, seems really taken to me too. He seems to be able to pick up my scent whenever I'm around and comes running to me for love and treats. Unfortunately for the both of them, I don't have much of that left to spare. c:

Actually, reading back over that, I've realized it's the first time I've smiled since shutting myself in here. I wish I could have spoken to him more. Kachullu-Koh seemed like the wise type of man that knows when to listen. He said that the Shooloo masks were meant to 'Strike fear into the hearts of their enemies' and to protect their faces from underbrush during the hunts. I asked him if he considered me an enemy, because I certainly didn't see any underbrush. He conceded- there was not underbrush, nor did he think I was his enemy. I've seen his face before when we met in the wild during one of his hunts... he's not a bad-looking man, but it hardly matters to me. He seemed embarrassed when I told him that I prefer to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies with my ferocity, rather than hiding behind a mask. 'It's tradition,' he choked out. That made me smile. He has an odd sense of humor. I wonder if he's that way with everyone? He told me to try on his mask. To 'see if you would make a good Shooloo member.' I thought it was a bit of a bizarre request. Before I could take the mask from him, though, I had to tell him the truth about what I was. A pirate. A pickpocket. A thug. And he asked me a question that keeps ringing in my ears. 'Would you ever steal from your family?' He said. 'No.' I replied, without hesitation. 'I treasure kin above all else.' He gave me the mask and confided in me that the Shooloo were no strangers to 'redirecting loyalist wealth' back home. I wish he had courted me before I'd ever met that green, greasy slimeball.