((Feel free to comment OOC. However do not use this information IC.)) -A beat up leather bound diary. On the cover "RW" is inscribed in silver. Blood stains the top corner of most the pages. A large number of pages in the front have been ripped out. "Ruby Bethany West <3" is written in red on the inside of the cover- -The first legible page- I didn't get paid. Damn cheap elitists, what purpose do they serve? Sure my methods are a little "unorthodox" but the price of the hospital bills plus my fees was probably way less than the ransom. The gang was holding the girl hostage in a warehouse on this backwater planet. A real mucky place with nasty acid rain. I slipped in easily enough. Thugs like them don't know what they are doing. Knocked out three of them without causing any ruckus, put a bullet in the fourth's knee. That's when the trouble started. The last guy came out using the girl as a shield. He was real twitchy. But the dumbass didn't hold his gun to her head, no he kept it pointed at me. Made my job a lot easier. It was pretty obvious he wasn't a killer, just a desperate scumbag. So I bluffed him. "You think I care about the girl? Pal, worst case for me: I shoot you both and walk here without getting paid. Do something smart or do something stupid. Either way you ain't walking out of here a winner." He didn't buy it at first, so I put a bullet in the girl's foot. Nothing too serious, the girl would have been in for a lot worse if she stayed with those desperate thugs much longer. That spooked him good. Got the "Are you insane?" line. I got him to put his gun down and knocked him out for good measure. The girl wasn't too keen on going with me. Had to drag her back to the ship kicking and screaming. I guess the brat whined to her parents cause all I got was this damn e-mail "We think you've done quite enough, please never contact us again or we will press charges." At least the girl is safe... But I really needed that payday. I'm about out of my meds...
No luck finding any jobs. I'm taking my meds once week now instead of every day. I'm starting to lose my cool. The booze helps mellow me out, but it's making it harder to find work. Nobody wants to hire a hammered merc like me. Got kicked out of the local bar. The bartender cut me off, but I needed more... I had to silence the chaos in my head. I got angry and pissed some other guys off. It's a little hazy but I'm pretty sure I cut up a guy pretty bad with a broken bottle. Had to break open my stash whiskey, hopefully it will last a while. The memories are flooding back... oh god, I can see the blood... Even with the booze it's hard to get any sleep on the bad nights. ____________________________________________________________ -The page is covered in bloody finger prints- I'm all out. I see her all the time now. But she's dead... SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD SHES DEAD OH GOD NATALIE IM SORRY, IM SORRY -Illegible scribbles- Maybe I'll let myself bleed out this time...
-The ink has run where tear drops hit the page- I found a job. It went bad. Real messy. But I got paid. I didn't want to kill him. I didn't need to kill him. I just had to rough him enough to get him to never come back again. But, the slimeball just wouldn't shutup. Kept talking greedy, it made me sick. I lost my cool. Put a bullet in his shoulder and then I just wailed on him. At some point I realized he was dead and left him there to rot. People like him are the reason good people die. People like me are the reason bad people die I guess... When the fit of rage subsided, I proceeded to vomit. I took another man's life. This isn't the first time and probably not the last time... but I can't take it anymore. Back in the day, I slaughtered those 3 florans without a second thought. Burnt them to a crisp when they snuck into base camp. She was pissed at me, gave me an earful. I'm not that kind of person anymore. Those lifeless corpses just remind me of her, and all the good things that got cut short. ____________________________________________________________ I ended up skipping town. I didn't have any purpose there anymore. The folks just stared at me with that angry, disappointed look. It reminded me of the look mom and pop gave me most the time. I didn't mind it too much, but there wasn't any point in sticking around where I'm not wanted. I've just been drifting for a while. I've had a lot of time to think. She'd be disappointed in me. That last job was bad, shouldn't have even taken it. I'm not a goddamned hitman. I got to turn this around. I need a real cause to serve. I ain't a doctor, or an engineer, or a social worker. I'm not a good person in general. But I got this gun and I got a little fight in me, I figure I can help someone somehow. Gonna find a place where people don't know me and start fresh. Not much else to say.
I think she'd be proud of me. I took the job cause I thought it would piss off the USCM. Somebody's got to put the top brass in their place after all. But it turned out the be more than that. I'm working security for a safe haven. It's called Tetanus Fields, doesn't leave much to the imagination. It's dangerous and rundown, but its a place of freedom for the down trodden, outcast, and misunderstood. The boss is named Dirt-Biter. She's got that worn down look, real messy like, but she seems like the decent sort. She has vision, one I could be proud to serve. The head of security is named Natasha. A pretty reasonable floran. She calls it as she sees it, I can respect that. Lost my cool talking about the USCM but I think we'll still get along. There are a few others, people from all walks of life. Don't know them all that well though. The place needs some serious work though, all the systems are ancient and half broken. Tetanus has got her work cut out for her. But all the folks are dead set on surviving. I'm sure they can raise this place up by sheer force of will. It looks like I might actually settle down for once. Its been 8 or so years? Anyway I look at it, things are going to be interesting. _________________________________________________________________ Posted that poem I wrote. I kinda regret it, but what's done is done. Somebody was posting poetry on starnet. It reminded me of her. She was always so poetic. I loved to read her poems. She always told me I should try writing them... With nothing better to do drifting in space I ended up writing a several poems. I just wish I would have written her a poem before it was too late... The one I posted was my favorite, my life story wrapped up prose. I don't know if she'd like it. She'd understand though. I hope that person posts more poems. It hurts to read them, but it makes me happy too. I don't know whats wrong with me. _________________________________________________________________ Shit hit the fan. Dirt was giving trouble to some marine. She got in a fight, got real beat up. Natasha didn't like that, turns out Dirt and her are an item. She almost killed the dude and got arrested. Its bull, she was just protecting Dirt. If she was still around... I'd do the same. The USCM decided to maroon Natasha on some planet somewhere. Guess they still can't be bothered with basic rights. We are all just tools to the top brass. If they don't need to use you they just cast you away. They haven't changed a bit. Dirt's real shaken up about the whole ordeal. She loosing confidence. I tried to be supportive. Like she used to be... I'm here to serve a purpose. I'm here to protect this safe haven. I will protect it or I'll damn sure die trying. _____________________________________________________________________ Natasha is a real fighter. The girl managed to piece togather a broadcasting tower. She started transmitting Morse, got the whole galaxy worked up. I was a bit rusty, took me longer to figure it out than I'd like to admit. I got right to work tracing the broadcast. Dirt was overjoyed when I told her what was going down. We gathered up a rescue party and wandered out into X sector. Even the marine the Natasha clobbered showed up. I tried to give him a chance. After all I was a dog in the USCM once too, just getting used. The planet they dumped her on was a frozen wasteland. The more innocent folk were pretty shocked to see how bad a death sentence this was. The wildlife here were vicious, I don't know how Natasha managed to survive here on her own. I thought it would be a happy ending right there but then the marine, Josh, and Natasha started fighting. I tried to prevent them from tearing each other apart. When that didn't work I got angry. Fired off my whole clip in the air. Even that didn't phase them. Both of them are stubborn as hell. The marine was pathetic. Came all this way and then decided he wanted to burn her shelter down, just to prove a point? Did he really think he was so above us? What a disgrace. _____________________________________________________________________ I'm running low again. I got plenty of cash but there ain't any place to buy meds in this place. I'm 1/4 dosing and hitting the booze, Dirt has some strong stuff. I don't want to think about it. I can't go off the deep end, not here. Writing isn't helping. No, don't want to think about. Not about her. I got to keep this place safe. Got to save these people. Couldn't save her. COULDN'T SAVE HER. COULDN'T SAVE HER. COULDN'T SAVE HER. COULDN'T SAVE HER. -Illegible scribbles continue down the page. A large bloody hand print covers the bottom half of the page- _____________________________________________________________________ Dirt found out. She stumbled into the room I had a breakdown in. I couldn't bring myself to clean up the mess. I just ignored it. She didn't ask too many questions. She knew a guy and got me some meds. She says she still trusts me, I really hope so. I love this place, its my home now. I need to protect it. Sorry I ain't going to write too much for a while. Writing just brings up too many memories. _____________________________________________________________________ -A couple pages have been ripped out here- A lot happened. Bar fights and bugs. Nothing but trouble. We have to go camping now, out in the unforgiving wastes. Rust storms force us to move camp every couple days. Ain't much to do so I thought I'd write it all down. Went bar hopping with Dirt. It was -most the time- pretty fun. Then one day we stumbled into a bar packed full of USCM. I was hesitant at first but Dirt dragged us inside anyways. Before I could even get a drink all hell broke loose. One of Dirt's buddy's showed up, apparently a wanted man. Damn USCM tried to arrest the guy out in neutral space. Wasn't too long before the bar was divided in half, guns locked and loaded. Threatened a whole bunch of em. Still pissed off about it. Dirt caught me with my mask down. She only got a glimpse. She knows I have a girly face now, but I think she still believes I'm a guy. Sometimes I wonder if this whole masquerade is worth the trouble. Sweating my ass of under this armor, taking sponge baths, the freaking tunnel vision from this mask, sleeping with all this gear on. But then I remember all the crap I put up with before, getting hit on, not getting taken seriously, and that.... We had to evacuate Tetanus. Got some real nasty bugs, like termites but with a taste for metal. We are fuming them out now but it will be a while before we can go back home. I'm a little worried, left most of my meds back in Tetanus. But some good has come out of it. Really starting to get to know some of the people here. Reaper, Petal, Crowliss, Tiger, Lydia, they are all good kids, some more misunderstood than others. I'm getting soft, but I don't mind too much, she'd like that.
Three people have seen my face. Reaper pulled my mask off goofing around. Kept my hair in my face so he didn't get a great look, glad I put off cutting it short again. The kid is too strong for his own good. At least he's satisfied, hopefully he won't be poking into my personal life anymore. I showed my face to Wingless and Dirt when we were alone. I trust the two, I want them to trust me. Sure I still have my secrets, but at least it won't seem like I'm hiding from them. Dirt started teasing me about my face, but Wingless was respectful about it. Didn't last too long though, some strangers showed up and that was the end of that. An avian doctor named Blackbeak got me some meds, legitimate ones too. He keeps asking me about my mental state. I feel bad for lying to him after all his generosity, but if I told him about the hell in my head he'd try and put me through some serious therapy or something. All my secrets would be exposed. That just can't happen. Then there is Pixy. Natasha's little sister. She's crushing on me hard. She's a charmer, spunky and smart to boot. I like her, but I can't love her. I can't love anyone. Natalie was my only love, I can't let her go. I'll try not to hurt the girl, hopefully her crush will fade away. Either way, I promised Natasha I'd keep her safe. It's a shame the two don't get along. I hate to see loved ones fall part. There's a lot of things I don't want to think about right now... Wingless's leg, getting shot, Reaper's accident... I need to keep my cool. I know I have blood on my hands, no changing that. I just need to protect these people, I need to do it for her. ____________________________________________________________________ -A number of medical documents have been wedged in the diary, among them a psychiatric evaluation- Subject: West, Ruby Bethany; First Lieutenant Reason for Evaluation: Lt. West has had multiple episodes of violent out bursts and exhibited signs of severe post traumatic stress disorder. Within the span of a month Lt. West's actions have resulted in one broken jaw, one fractured collarbone, three concussions, and 8 broken ribs. Notes: -Subject has been placed in solitary confinement and approved for evaluation -Subject is uncooperative, shouting incoherent obscenities at the evaluators. -Subject has been dishonorably discharged from service, Paperwork has been updated. -Subject is largely unresponsive, any response is still uncooperative. -Subject is completely unresponsive, refusing to eat, drink or move about. -Due to dehydration and malnutrition the subject has been put on a feeding tube. -Test results indicate the subjects serotonin and dopamine levels are well below normal levels. Prescribing antidepressants. -Subject has agreed to resume regular consumption of food and water. -Subject attacked evaluator [REDACTED] when transferring the subject from the medbay to solitary confinement. Subject then attempted suicide through drug overdose. Prescribing antipsychotics. -Subject has begun to cooperate, see transcript [REDACTED]. The subject's emotional response is flat. -Subject has been released from solitary confinement and tasked with maintenance duties in the mess hall. Evaluation will continue. -Subject was harassed by [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and [REDACTED]. Subject responded violently resulting in [REDACTED]. Subject refuses to discuss what transpired. -Subject's emotional response has remained flat despite measured increases in the subject's serotonin and dopamine levels. -Subject used a knife obtained from the mess hall to cut her face and wrist. Subject has been removed from the mess hall staff. -Upon arriving at [REDACTED] subject was transferred to the base's medical facilities. Evaluation closed. ____________________________________________________________________ My heart is broken. Dirt cheated on Natasha. I knew Dirt and Wingless were close, but not that close. I'm disappointed in all of them. I'd never cheat on her... She's been gone for years and I still can't let her go. I know that they are not me. It ain't even my business. I just can't understand. I'm different, I've known that all along. My head isn't right. I still respect all of them, but I feel pulled between them. I keep asking myself, what would she do? She was good at this sort of thing... I miss her so much. I wish I could say it's good to be home. _____________________________________________________________________ Its all my fault. Petaldancer was captured by Traptooth again. We got her back but she's real messed up. I cleared them to go through with the plan. Let the over eager bird take Petal along. I sent Petal to this fate... I'M JUST LIKE THEM. WHAT HAVE I DONE. THIS IS MY FAULT MY FAULT MY FAULT. -Scribbles and blood drops- I heated up a chunk of metal. I need to feel the pain she feels. I need to burn. I'm sorry Petal. _____________________________________________________________________ I'm exposed. I just couldn't hide it anymore. My head was pounding, I could barely stand. I couldn't manage to lie to Dirt any longer. She took me down to the clinic and questioned me. She just wanted to know why I was so out of it. I thought I'd just get the same old "Its not your fault." But, she said she was going to get me past my guilt. She told me to turn around, so I did. She kicked me between the legs. I should have seen that coming. I forgot to react though. She did it again so I tried to fake it, but I just didn't care anymore. She started feeling me up. I couldn't bring myself to stop her. She figured me out. She kept asking why I was hiding my gender, but none of the answers I gave satisfied her. Finally I told her about that... She was mad. It was nice to see someone actually care for once. After that I just kept spilling my guts. I showed her all my scars. I told her my name. She didn't judge me. She just gave me a hug. Then she ran off with my mask. Damn that bird. I chased her half way across town, all the while she started telling my secret to everyone. She beamed away and then lost my mask. when I finally caught up with her she replaced it with a scarf. I don't like it. I'm not suited to be a girl. Even though almost everyone was supportive, I still don't feel comfortable. Part of me wants to run away again, somewhere where I can be a guy again. But I'm not leaving. I love Tetanus too much, and I have to keep the kids safe. Damn Skyrax, what is he doing to himself.
Reaper is dead. Griffon got burnt. I blame myself. I've gotten soft. I went easy on Reaper, hoping that somehow he'd come around. Should have filled him full of holes. He'd be almost dead, but not dead. Red keeps calling it a public execution. I actually cared what he thought of me. And because of that Griffon probably got kidnapped while I was arguing with Red. And then I kissed Pixy. I was weak and she was there. She makes me happy, but I still love Natalie. I feel like I'm betraying her. Would she be okay with this? For a while I thought I had become someone else, but I realize now that I am still me. I am Rudy. I am Ruby. All the old thoughts and feelings are still here even if I have a few new ones. I can't go back to being the hardened masked merc, but I can't leave that past behind either. Where does that leave me? If I am still me, who am I? Who do I want to be? I can feel the monster of rage boiling inside of me. The blood on my wrists is proof that the monster is still here. Am I that monster? I hope not. I don't want that to define me. Maybe its a part of me, but it is not all of who I am. I'll keep the monster in a cage. I'll hold the key tightly and decide with clarity when to let it out. I want to be a guardian. I want to protect Tetanus. I must stay sharp and vigilant. This isn't just atonement for what I have done. This is what I want to do. I must train, and train hard. I need to be at my peak because people rely on me for their safety. I want to care about these people. I want to have friends. I can't harden my heart but I must stand strong to protect the people I care about. I will hurt others and it will weigh heavily on me. But I will bear that weight. I must be willing to feel the pain if I want to feel the happiness. I want to make her proud. I will never forget her. What does this all mean? I'm not sure exactly. I need more time to think. I have to sort myself out. I'm too old to be acting like a child, but too young to be having a midlife crisis.
Writing my will. A lot of people have been dying. Even old Wrench is dying. Messaged me a week ago. He's looking for a good place to live out his last few weeks. He'll be visiting Tetanus soon. Anyways, I don't know how long I'll live; I've always considered myself a dead man walking. I ain't got a future. Here it goes: The Last Will and Testament of Ruby Bethany West When I pass: Go up to my ship and take the red photo album in my sleeping quarters. Cremate me with the album. Set my ashes out in the next rust storm. Go throw a party and drink for me. Give all the kids living in Tetanus an equal share of my money. Its blood money, it should be used for something good. Split my guns between the Korpsers. Give Petal my leather jacket. Stay happy, stay innocent. Give Skyrax my empty diary, its next to the photo album. Write out your troubles. Give Pixy my pocketknife. It's just as charming and deadly as her. Give Dirt my scarf. Keep your ideals as warm hearted. Give Natasha my spear. Fight for Tetanus. Give Wingless my flack jacket. Defend Tetanus. It ain't great or real official, but it will do. -Attached are beam codes, passwords and pin numbers-
((I thought I'd be like all the cool kids and try a recording. It was pretty fun to voice act and the pitch shifting worked surprisingly well. I might switch over to a full audio log.)) Write this down... -A small disk is wedged between the pages- ((http://clyp.it/playlist/zdwtzsxa)) -Transcription- I'll jus record this an jot it all down later. I ain't play'n games no more. Tetanus got sunk down inta the ground. Some fuckers set off a bomb in the sewers. Ain't nothing left but a crater filled with scrap metal. Whoever did this best be on the run now. If I ever find em... well they ain't gonna be able ta run away when I'm through with em. *Heavy breathing* I.. I'mma lose'n my cool. I got these pills from Blackbeak but they ain't help'n much. This.. This is all too much ta swallow. Finally have a damn home and some one goes and blows the whole thing up? Fuck... I've failed again. I've failed. I'm sorry. I'm tryin' ta save these people. I'm tryin' ta cope. I.. I jus ain't strong enough. What do I do. I... need ya here with me now. I'm such a pathetic piece a trash. A damn hypocrite too. *Heavy breathing* *Rattling* *A sharp breath* -End Transcription-
