Yo, this is where I post short stories, short story ideas, etcetera etcetera. This thread is designed mostly for me to generate feedback for things I'm writing and whatnot -- so feel free to comment on things. Just a brief rule I'd like to inform people of. QUOTE WHAT YOU ARE RESPONDING TO when providing feedback to a piece of work. I know it seems irrelevant right now, but I've had people respond to something I've posted before and I didn't understand what they were talking about until they specified what they were talking about. It's easier to cut out the middleman. This isn't exactly a short story, an idea, or anything of the sort. This is more something that will be in what I hope to turn into a full-length novel. Requesting feedback for realism, grammar, re-wording, etcetera. Concept: Powered Armour Funding: Military Setting: Dystopian Future Year: Roughly 2090-2130. O(verseeing).P(rotector of the).P(eople) - A heavy suit of powered armor equipped with a considerably strong exoskeleton. The armor itself is very hefty, and equipped with steel composite armor. This requires the usage of the exoskeleton to increase the body’s strength of the human inside. The armor itself has a kinetic field generator, but is not resistant to electromagnetic pulses, or extreme heat. The O.P.P is also equipped with a few mounted weapons, such as a wrist-mounted shotgun. The kickback on the shotgun is immense, but the weight of the armor and exoskeleton counterbalance the kickback enough to ensure that it is not a threat to the human inside. The O.P.P also comes equipped with a shoulder-mounted lightweight gatling gun, equipped with 5.45x39 armor-piercing rounds, and a durable frame -- ensuring that it is not easily shot off by enemy fire. The O.P.P comes off as impressive at face value, but comes loaded with a back-mounted “industrial strength” rocket-propelled grenade launcher. The RPG launcher normally comes loaded with thermobaric warheads, but has been known to come loaded with HEAT warheads to handle extreme rebel forces using vehicle-mounted weaponry. This suit of armor is known for its ability to chew through its battery like it’s candy to a baby. It is run off of a Nuclear-Fusion battery, which generates immense amounts of heat. The suit itself is cooled by a lead-bismuth eutectic cooling system to combat immense heat generation. This system also protects the wearer from any sort of radiation poisoning, to a point.
Hey, this is just a snippit of something I'm writing. ___________________ Vincent glared out the window for a hard minute, I was confused. Scared. I was going to say something, but words just couldn't come out. Vincent turned his head back to me, and said, "Tommy. I know for a fact that you ain't a liar. I know you don't just come up to me, go, 'Vinny! Vinny! I wanna show you my magic fuckin' oil pastels, it's the government'! Trust me. You ain't a dick. But this.. The fuck is this s'posed to be, Tommy?" I start to speak, "If you listened to me, you'd know. It's a VHS ta--" Vincent interrupted me, "No shit." I sigh in response to this. "Look, Tommy. You don't gotta go.. Go tellin' me that. I wanna know what the fuck you's showin' me, and what kind of relevance it has to... To... This. This shit." Vincent gestures to the various posters, newspaper clippings, photographs, etcetera on my walls. "Like, look at it. What does this fuckin' VHS have to do with it?" I start again, "I think that they know. Don't ask me why, don't think too hard about it. I wouldn't go playing with my VHS player. This thing means the world to me. I wouldn't play with my tapes either, I watch them to find out certain things about what the government's doing behind certain veils, what they're hiding, so on and so forth." Vinny's face contorts into something of anger and confusion -- I knew he wouldn't believe me. "Look, Vinny. If you don't believe me, then.. Then go. Just go. I can't have you being a negative influence when I've come this far and shown you everything I've got." "Tommy. It's not that I don't believe you. It's that even if this is true, why would they target a nobody like you? No one would believe whatyou said, even if you had all the facts in the world. The internet's the place to go to lie, what're you gonna do, tell the press? They lie too, my man. You said this yourself, everyone's in their pocket, whether they realize it or not." "Vince. Trust me on this. I'll get word around. People are gonna know so much more than they do now. They're gonna cry, be shocked,nothing good will come out of it but the truth. People are liars, and we're all machines designed to HATE. I direct my hate towards the people that deserve it. The sadistic people at the head of it all that like watching their people crash and burn -- and for what reason? Y'know? It's all the same shit, and people are trying to advocate this whole social justice thing. Why not debunk the government first?" "Tommy this is fuckin' stupid, but I trust you. Look, I'll get Ryan over -- have him park his car outside the place and look around for suspicious people and shit."I frowned, and hesitated before responding, "W..Who's Ryan?" Vincent adjusted himself in his seat, "Ryan's my compadre who got outta jail recently. Good guy, just needs a sense of direction. Trust me on this one, I trust you, you trust me. We're like family, Tommy. You and me." I nodded, and Vincent continued, "So let no one tell you that you're wrong. And let no one tell you that I'm just a shitlord tryin' to be a dick to you. We've been friends since '02. I wanna keep it that way. Alright?" I nodded again. "I'll take your word for it. I just hope he's no sheep." ______________ And that's a piece of a work in progress light novel I'm working on. It's basically set in the modern day, Vincent and his conspiracy theorist friend (The main character), Tommy are basically setting out to debunk the government. Vincent's got contacts, Tommy has time. If people are interested, I can go about posting more. But otherwise, thanks for reading this and have a good day. Oh also, if at all possible, I'd like feedback on my writing -- the style, the grammar, etcetera.
yeah ill write an erotica Narfball enters the room, and stares Solour deep into his eyes. He whispers quietly, "ey bitch lemme see u back it up bring that ass down low.." He begins shouting, angrily, "AND BRING THAT MOTHERFUCKER UP! NOW BACK THAT PUSSY SHE'S A MO'FUCKER, NOW BACK THAT PUSSY SHE'S A MO'FUCKER, NOW BACK THAT PUSSY SHE'S A MO'FUCKER!" Solour, scared and confused, curls up in a ball and starts crying. Narfball stops shouting and sits down beside him, and pets his stupid fucking face, I fucking hate you Solour, why are you making me do this stupid shit, go away oh my god. ______________ Jokes aside, thanks for the pretty good thing. Not to sound unfriendly or rude, but if any is available -- could you provide feedback? uwu It would be appreciated if you could -- if not though, that's fine too.
