Leatherbound Scrapbook

*This book could be found collecting dust under Volare's bed on the springs, when he isn't reminiscing over its pages. The front half of the book is mostly empty space, with a few photographs adhered to the vellum. The other half is a similarly barren white expanse, but will one day be filled with the scrawlings of a worn robin.*

Photographs!
*This section will encompass every photo Volare captures and places in the scrapbook, and will be regularly updated as he takes more pictures.*​

#1: Firebird.
*Her red feathers are unruly and frayed as she stands in front of his bedroom door. She has a typical nasty look on her face, and she’s giving the camera the middle talon. Rude.*

#2: Warming up!
*Volare and Nalcotl sit next to the springs fireplace, with Ziggy standing behind the feathered pair. Ziggy is giving Nalcotl bunny ears, and they are all smiling warmly.*

#3: Assorted Photos of Home.
*There are ten photos pasted onto the page, using up the full sheet. They depict almost the entirety of Hope Springs, from the lowest spa, to the highest peak. It truly is a stunningly beautiful location.*

#3: Serenity.
*Moonfeathers stands in a pink top and jeans, feathered back facing towards the camera. She’s standing on the edge of a destroyed bridge, staring out over the river that the bridge once covered. It's dusk, and the dark colors contrasting with the bright sunset create a very pretty backdrop.*

#4: The Reddies.
*Volare and Moonfeather stand on a snowy porch overlooking a dense woods. Volare has his arm wrapped around Moon’s shoulder, and looks a little surprised! This is because Moonfeathers has decided to give him a peck on the cheek, as she holds up a peace sign to the camera.*

#5: Karo.
*The finch stands near the railing of a wooden bridge, the edges of his chocolate feathers gleaming in the midday sun. His pose is rather unemotive, simply standing tall, white cheeks lifted in a wide smile for the camera.*

#6: Karo, again.
*The brown finch stands in the foreground of a professional, charcoal shaded backdrop. Karo appears to be slightly younger in this photo, which is of studio quality. He wears a military uniform, stood rigidly upright, at attention.*

#7: A Poorly Drawn Volare.
*A piece of paper seems to have been glued onto the page. It's a drawing of Volare, likely created by a child based off it's quality. Still cute though!*

#8: Ernal and Volare.
*The red and green Avians have their arms wrapped around one another's shoulders. Behind them on the table is a nearly-eaten red fruit, dried rice spilling out, and a sipped-upon beer. They look happy.*

Spoiler: Picture

 

*This entry, and likely all entries in the book to follow, are written in a dark black ink. The lines are thick and almost calligraphy like, due to his usage of a quill as a writing utensil.*

I decided to start putting my writings in this scrapbook, because it would be nice to have all my memories in one place. Maybe one day i’ll have someone to pass this down to, and they can see all that i’ve done, maybe even continue collecting memories in it. I have come so far from when I first arrived in the sector, I was just a scared little avian running from what I didn’t know. I like to think that I have grown since then, but I still have a lot of growing left to do. Life is all about moving on, keeping the past as lessons and reminders, so i’m moving on. Just yesterday, we lost an unknown amount of Rabbits, snatched from their beds as they slept. Moonfeathers decided to walk out on us, and I could not stop her. There is only three people who live on the Springs now- Nalcotl, Karo and myself. I could not help any of my family, and I hate myself for it. I was supposed to keep my people safe, and I failed. I was supposed to help my friends with their issues, and I failed. I feel like giving up, but I know I cannot give up now. I don’t even feel too sad, which is the part that really, really concerns me. Half my family swiped away from me, and I couldn’t even shed a tear for them, I just felt anger against myself. The world moves on, and I must follow as well. Going under at this point in my life is not something I can afford, I must keep the Rabbits alive. I have made progress on the broken bridge, but luckily the river has aided me, sweeping debris downstream. I cleared all of the burned wreck in Ziggy’s room, but I don’t know what i’m going to do with it. Rebuilding it would be eerie, just remind me that the previous occupant of the place will never return, no matter how much I feel like he will. I want to believe that somewhere, Ziggy is alive, escaping his captors, but I know luck runs out. I can only prepare for the future, which is terrifying to me. We have to be ready, as we can never tell if the flightless will return once again. I’m not letting anyone hurt my family ever again, so i’ll need to make preparations. I’ll need to keep practicing shooting, keep at my exercise routine, try to pick up some fighting skills and leadership skills, and just keep my head on straight. I need to set an example for the Rabbits, so i’m staying strong for them. I need to be the shoulder to cry on, I don’t need to burden them by crying on theirs. I can only hope that my next entry will bring some more positive news, but I can never tell what's coming up. I just remember the past, live in the present, and prepare for the future.

*The next writing is scribbled hastily under the first entry, as if it was an afterthought.*

Moonfeathers decided to return, and it's a massive relief. I feared that I had nobody left to hold anymore. Moon got her medallion, so she's officially one of us now. It made me so proud to be able to present it to her, I know how that old bird felt now. I'm just happy that my family is still around with me, because we're going to need each other in the coming days.

*And yet more hastily written afterthoughts.*

I've gotten through most everyone who needs to be informed about Ziggy's passing, but it doesn't get any easier. I feel terrible for Rodrick, as he's left with Ziggy's daughter. I gave Rodrick Ziggy's pink jacket for the girl once she's big enough to wear it... and I can't wait until she can. I plan to visit Aria more often, as I have not even held her yet. I finally got to talk to Karo, and he seemed to blame himself for what happened. I tried to convince him otherwise, but he was just upset I think. I have not seen much of him, so I suppose he's taking some alone time. Ezaton called me over to his house to talk, and I must admit I have issues trusting him. The tension on the Springs hasn't helped my mood either, but anyways, I went to talk with him. He said he's leaving the sector soon, and he's taking Nalcotl with him. While I feel that Ezaton is prying people away from me, I have no right to stop Nalcotl. They're nestmates or something, so I have to let them go. Nalcotl promised she would return, and I know she will. I gave her her medallion, and the whole talk along with it. It was rather emotional, and Moonfeathers even showed up to say goodbye. She beamed away, and then there were three. Moonfeathers and I have been working on fixing the bridge, and we've gotten a decent amount of progress. Once we finish, I plan to carve a plaque and open the bridge as the "Lovepeck-Necapan memorial bridge." I'll have a small ceremony for them there, and they'll have a lasting monument to remember them by. I guess things are looking up.

 

It's my hatchday today, January 28th, 2416. I'm 22 now, but I really feel so much older. I guess the frontier really gets to you. I should be thankful i'm just injured and sad, rather than cold and dead I suppose. It was a surprisingly quiet day today, I haven't even seen another soul yet. I woke up in the morning, worked my time in the fields, or at least tried to, and exercised my legs in the springs. About the legs, I was shot. Again. I'll write about that further on here. I spent most of my day either reading, eating or soaking in the springs. I would've enjoyed the peace and quiet, but it only feels eerie. My home should never be this quiet, and it's really unnerving. I get lonely sitting around in the springs, but the colonies have been rather quiet as of recent too. I really think I should be extending more invitations to stay out to a few avians I've seen, but i'm being cautious. After the Flightless, I can't be too careful. Residents will have to be carefully considered and trusted, instead of just being let in, as before. On the other hand, we really need more members to breathe some life into the springs, so i'm working on that. I met a hen named Valeth recently, and she seems like someone who I should offer residence to. She's very shy, but i've spoken with her, and I'm certain I can trust her. The small issue is, that an Apex named Rofei claims to want to live with Valeth. I'm not sure what to make of that, but i'm not having any apes running around my home. As cool of a person that Rofei seems to be, I just can't shelter him as well. I've seen another red bird, but I can't remember her name. She claimed to be from a runaway slave, but I didn't get to speak much with her, and I haven't seen her since. I suppose i'll continue searching for my kin, and the springs will eventually fill back up to how they should be.

Recently, some big 'Tagal conglomerate' has decided to move into our sector, for some reason. I first met them in Ragnarok, when they sent out some representatives to recruit. Or at least I thought they were representatives, turns out their CEO, Miss Tagal, was out recruiting with them. I was surprised to see another hen in the sector, so I introduced myself, yaddayadda. At first, she didn't seem to take much notice to me, but after I showed her around Shinsei and we had some tea, she started to warm up. Under her professional mask (Which in my opinion, she could use more often), she actually seems to be a rather reserved, maybe shy person. She brought a giant spaceship with her, as her company's headquarters I guess. I've been inside the thing, and all I can say is wow. It's almost the size of a small spaceport in there. It's even got a bar, offices and multiple living quarters. She said they used to have a lot more ships in their fleet, ones that were even larger than the one they've got here, but they were all destroyed. It's a shame, as I would've loved to see those sort of ships. So one day, I was relaxing on Ragnarok, and Miss Tagal shows up and sits next to me. We chat for awhile, and then some human comes and sits down across from us. Tagal seemed to be nervous around him, and told me that we should leave. I was a little confused, but we got up to leave. A moment later, I figured out why she was trying to get me to move. The guy bursts out of the lounge, mumbles something edgy, and opens fire on us. I only had my taser, so the only thing I could do was run. Miss Tagal ran too, but I think she was shooting back at him. We got to the teleporter, and as I was diving onto it, the human shot me in my ass. Just before we could teleport away, he fired some sort of explosive that really shredded my legs. I was kinda in shock the whole time, but I remember being in my ship, and Miss Tagal was really badly hurt. I called for a doctor, and so many people came to help. I was shocked, but it really touched me to see how many people were ready to help me. Rodrick and Tsu fixed me up, but I have to thank Rugby (A brown avian, who is employed by Miss Tagal), for saving Tagal. My legs have been healing fine after the accident, and I should be able to walk under my own power soon. As for Tagal, she seemed to have made a full recovery, but that's only after Karo managed to fix her properly. So now Tagal and I are an item in some people's eyes, but i'm not too sure about that. She really seems to want to take things slow, which i'll be fine with, but it'll bother me at the same time. I also have to wonder if i'll end up giving her the talk. I've never had to do it before, and i'm not sure I want to do it either. Maybe I should just give up on that.

So then just the other day, I was about to turn in for bed, when Rofei called me to help with something at his store. I was a little confused, but I went over anyways. When I got there, Kalidasa was yelling about 'monsters' and 'saving lady Tagal'. Rofei ended up kicking him out, because he had shot a bottle of whiskey (on accident?) and was basically acting like a child. The real issue was that Tagal seemed to be having some sort of fit, apparently after Kalidasa shot. I fear it might be some sort of trauma from when we were shot at, but I can't be sure. She was balled into the corner and wouldn't say anything, which is the most concerning part. At least when Moonfeathers had her episode, she would speak to me. Anyways, I just tried to calm her for awhile, but she wasn't listening. She just hopped the counter, turned off the lights and ran to the teleporter, gone without a word. I'm really not sure what to make of it, but I hope she's okay. I talked with Rofei a bit before going home to turn in for the night. It was a rough sleep, needless to say.

To wrap things up, I've met some old friends, and some new ones as well. Kalidasa, who i've mentioned already before, is a businessman or something, and he runs Monolith power company. Just like how Miss Tagal can seem a little immature at times, he's much worse. However, he's a nice guy, and I like him enough. Ace the bar-guy from Pinewood is back, and he's running a restaurant on Shinsei. The food is good, but it hasn't really changed much from when Rodrick owned the place. It was nice seeing him again, and I also saw his fish-girlfriend. She seemed nice, and it was cute to see them together again. Reed, who I don't think i've mentioned in writing before, is an old human guy. He only has one eye, lost his jaw -- so he has a metal one -- and is a doctor I guess. He was a friend of Ziggy, so he quickly became a friend of mine. He's an alright guy, other than he smokes all the time. Stuff makes me cough like crazy. I saw Oakie recently too, but he didn't seem to be in too high of spirits. Really doesn't help with my own attitude, but I did my best to cheer him up. I think he's just going through a rough patch, he'll be okay. We'll all be okay.

 

Things are finally beginning to look up again for me. I had really been down in a slump for a good week or so, but it’s passing. I just needed a few of my friends to remind me of all the good I had in my life. Like the Springs and the Rabbits, which i’m doing my best to revitalize and rejuvenate. Valeth, who I mentioned before, has now moved into Springs as a full time resident, and she’s been doing well. She’s rather shy and awkward, but she seems to be getting used to being around me at least. It's lovely to have another hand to help with chores, but it’s also just nice to see more people out and about when i’m walking around home. With Moonfeathers having returned from her little excursion as well, it actually feels lively around home, and it fills me with happiness. The Springs have also been improving along with it’s residents, too. We finished the bridge, and held the memorial service on it just yesterday, commemorating the bridge to Ziggy and Firebird. I also finally got around to installing a septic tank and a restroom, it’s a shame Ziggy isn’t around to see it. He always wanted me to do that. Lastly, i’ve moved most of our memory items above the mess hall, turning it into a sort of museum. Now whenever i’m feeling nostalgic, I can go up there and maybe cry a little to get the feelings out.

Millihua made a reappearance in the sector, and I messed it up. When she first made a call on the radio, it ripped my heart in half knowing I was going to have to tell her that her friends had passed. I took her down to the Springs, and I told her what had happened. She was upset, like I thought she would be, and I did my best to comfort her through it. For the day or two she was there, she warmed back up and became the chipper little hen I remembered. But then I made the mistake. I ended up almost getting her pregnant. Luckily we had contraceptives on the Springs, but there was a scary period where it looked like we were going to have chicks. I said and did things I regret, but I let her know that already. She’s taken off and I haven’t seen her for awhile, and it really hurts me to have lost another friend. She was one of the last few who knew what it was like back then, with Z and F. While it hurts me to see her go, if she believes that’s what's best, I’m believing it too.

Karo has recently gotten a job at Monolith, the power plant that Kalidasa runs. I warned him he would still need to do his daily duties on the Springs, but he agreed that he would be able to. I felt guilty pinning him down to the Springs, but it’s what has to be done. I just hope the work load isn’t too much to bear for him. I caught him beating his head on our food crates one day, and he said he was just tired and bored. I fear he may be going into the same slump that I myself was in just before, and I don’t want that to happen. But on a much brighter note, Karo is getting engaged to Skye! I’m really excited for him, and he’s already said that I get to be the best man. It really will be a wonderful time, and I’m really happy for him. It almost makes to realized how much I want to settle down and have a family, but at the same time, I don’t. Maybe one day i’ll come around to realize what I need.

Rodrick recently opened up to me, and told me a bunch of things I never knew about himself. It was a real shock to learn that Rodrick often felt that I blew him off to do other things and ignored his issues. I was kinda hurt he felt that way, because I never felt like he was trying to tell me anything important. But regardless, it’s my duty to help him out at this point. He said something about Ziggy having done the same things to him, but I wouldn’t think Z would do something like that. I’ll try to help Rodrick the best I can, but often times I can’t tell when he’s looking for help at all.

I also recently met an AI named Nihili on Monolith. They, or she maybe, seem to be rather interesting, but I messed that up as well. They don’t really trust me anymore after what happened, and I can’t really understand why. Normally everyone just enjoys themselves, but Nihili has made it an issue. I guess i’d be fine just leaving that where it is, because they’re an AI. I sorta feel less bad about not trying too hard to fix things there.

Moonfeathers had also returned from her few day’s retreat, and I really, truly, deeply missed her. I actually am starting to feel a deep emotional attachment to her, more so than anyone else in the Rabbits. It really brightens my day even to just see her, it makes my cheeks fluff and my heart flutter. Maybe this is what true love feels like? Maybe it’s just puppy love or something. I can’t tell for sure what i’m feeling at the moment, but I know that I feel like being around Moonfeathers.

So I think my trying few days are coming to a close, and I can finally go back to being happy again. I really did miss being sociable, but I just didn’t have the energy or the will before. Now, other than my aching legs (Thanks Miles, you shithead), I’m feeling like a new man again. I can’t wait to get back out there today, and just do things.

 

I was having trouble sleeping tonight, so I thought that perhaps writing down my thoughts would help. It's the 21st of February, 2416. Things have been going at just about the same pace as always, which is not too badly. I get to wake up from my warm bed every morning, eat a healthy breakfast, work the fields in the place I love, and spend the rest of the day doing what I want to. I have nothing to complain about, but sometimes I still do. Truly, I live an almost perfect life, but I still find room to complain about things, I can always find time to get upset. Maybe it's just in people's nature to never be truly happy, no matter the situation they're in. Then again, it's not really healthy to be happy all the time, so perhaps it means that i'm still healthy. However, this journal isn't for my odd thoughts; it's for recording memories, so i'll get into that.

Something funny happened on Monolith a few days ago. I was just minding my own business around the bar, when I noticed a human fell asleep at a table. There were two other people in the room, but I thought they were distracted enough that they wouldn't noticed a little pick-pocket practice. So I grabbed the guy's PDA, and I was honestly a little surprised at how easy it is to take things like that. Probably helped that the guy was asleep, but still. Before I could return the device to the guy's pocket, some human yanks my feathers from behind and I drop it. They tell me to beat it, and I left so as to avoid any trouble. I thought that was the end of it, but it turns out the human who stopped me was security at Monolith. So the next time they spotted me, they sicked the team of marines on me. Said Marines are a few friends of mine, some of them more friends than others, but still. They're apparently stuck in the sector without a ship, so Monolith hired then as security. Pierce is the chocolate human, Mick is the one with hair, Richards and Jankins or something are the other two. I always mix up the last two, they almost look exactly the same. Anyways, they swarm all over me, trying to figure out if I was trying to actually steal the guy's phone. It ended up being a long argument between all the guards, and I had to call Rodrick in to save me. He was absolutely furious at them, and he sent all the marine guys to their bunks or something. I managed to calm Rodrick down afterwards, which was nice I suppose. I finished that night by managing to get into the marine's bunks, thanks to ANNA. She's some AI nanite swarm lady. She just looks like a blue cloud in the shape of a woman. She told me the code, and I snuck in their to end up having a chat with Mick. So that was fun.

Another time (I cannot recall if this was before or after the events previously described.), I had met Rodrick and Karo on Monolith. We chatted for awhile, before Rodrick agreed to let me visit Aira for the first time in forever. Skye ended up tagging along to, and we went over to Rodricks house. Apparently Mispi was sleeping or something, because she snores very loudly. I was surprised it didn't make Aria cry, but I guess she's a tough little chick. I'll admit that I really had no idea how to hold a chick, but with a little help from Skye and Roddy, I got the hang of it, and I loved every second of it. She was so tiny and cute, just a little green fluffball of joy. I was a little scared of having my own chicks, but I think now I wouldn't mind too much. Besides, i've gotta get a family of my own going at some point, so this was some nice experience with the little ones. I'll be sure to visit Aria more often from now on.

On the topic of families, the Rabbits are growing again. At Monolith (Feels like all I do is there now. Who would have thought a power plant would get popular?), I stumbled upon another relic of the past. Miss Teicayotl is another one of the few surviving people who had been from the Antares sector. She had served with Triton apparently, until that had been destroyed. I'm fairly certain that when I did my first and only mercenary job, she was there. I remember a black avian with a mohawk just like hers, but they had been wearing a gasmask, so I couldn't have been fully sure. In any case, she found her way to Monolith and ended up meeting me. She had apparently borrowed some fuel to get here, and was now stuck in the sector. She was dead broke and stuck, but I was still hesitant to assist her at first. I don't know what it was, but I just had a bad gut feeling about her at first. By the end of the night, however, when it was clear she had no place to go, I offered her a spot at the Springs. She accepted, of course. I don't think anyone has ever denied an offer to stay with us. She got to meet Skye and Karo, and generally warmed up to our little community. She's already shown some conviction and loyalty to the Rabbits, which really warms my heart. To think that i'm a part of something that helps people so much, that they also feel the same way as me? It's wonderful. So the very next day, I cook breakfast for the two of us and we head out to see what's going on around our neck of the woods. As it turns out, Tiecayotl had a ship to sell, and the marine guys wanted it. She didn't really even barter for long, and we settled on a price of 40k pixels. That's a lot of money, and she said that she would use it to help the Rabbits. This is the closest we've ever been to modernizing the Springs, but i'm not sure about it now. I do sorta like the quiet, rustic feel it has; modernizing it might ruin that. As well as the ship deal, Teicayotl is also trying to trade her ruined hoverbike for a drone to help around the Springs. It would supposedly help us farm and build, which would be amazingly useful. I think that she's going to fit in with the Rabbits just fine.

Lastly, I've finally found a proper resting place for the Rabbits. I met Cordelia, the owner of Elysium, the burial planet. She's an interesting person, I suppose. She was nice enough to allow me to have a place to honor the dead of the Rabbits on her planet, our own little spot. She's already set up one for Z and F, I'll just need one made for Devi and we will be set for the time being. I just hope that our grave plot stays the size it is for as long as possible. We've lost enough Rabbits, I can't afford to lose any more.

 

I'm not sure what I can do. I can feel myself going into another slump, but I can't help the feeling. Everything just feels so lifeless and empty now. Monolith, the only place where people go, seems to be emptier and emptier as days pass by. Not that I enjoy spending time in the cold, metal enclosure that is Monolith, but still, I miss the people. Even Hope Springs feels empty again. The only person I see is Karo, but that's becoming more rare now too. I feel like my friends and family are slowly slipping from my grasp, but I can't do anything to grab them again. I just wish things could be like they were before.

The cause of this slump was due to an accident on Monolith. I took up some training with Mick, he was going to teach me some things about combat so I can protect myself a little better. We finished up and headed into Monolith to grab a drink. Once we got into the elevator and pressed the button, it just didn't move. I can still remember the horrible, unnerving elevator music that played while we wondered why the elevator was stuck. Eventually, the AI for the shaft spoke to us, and told us it was being fixed. I doubt that, as the power went out the next moment. I just sat down and awaited the inevitable; I could sense it was going to happen. And so it did. The elevator dropped fifteen feet, or so that's what they tell me. I blacked out on impact, but Mick told me what happened. Once we fell, there was apparently lots of people there to help. Sarah even showed up, I think she really helped me get through it. Sarah was even kind enough to let me stay a night, and to take a wheelchair so I can get around a little easier. Anyways, I ended up breaking my pelvis, and Mick broke his ribs I think. We had both been stuck in the Monolith hospital for many days, but i'm finally home. Miss Valeth, in a rare appearance, showed up in the Monolith bar to take me home. It was nice to see her, I guess.

Not much else of interest has even occurred since my last entry. Things are quiet, eerily quiet. At home and around the sector. I think this might be what's affecting my mood, but I can't be for certain. What I do know for certain, however, is that i'm feeling that pull once again, stronger than ever. What if, Volare? What if you settled down? There would be no more worries, you can just live out the rest of your life peacefully, right? I'm not sure I could do it, really. I'll think more on it, but for now, I don't think i'm ready to change my entire life. It's been okay as is.

 

My journals suck. I’m ashamed to even look back upon my previous entries now that I see it. I’m writing like an emotionless machine, just putting quill to paper for the sole purpose of recording events. Putting my life into a cold, managed record when I should be writing my thoughts and feelings. If I wanted to write down what’s happening in my life, i’d write an autobiography. I take it back from that entry awhile ago, this journal is for my thoughts and feelings. It wouldn’t be anything personal without them.

This really became evident to me once I read Ziggy’s journal again. His entries are beautiful, flowing. It’s like i’m reading a beautifully crafted version of his inner thoughts; it puts my writing to shame. In fact, everything about him puts me to shame. I’m a hack, a walking featherball of mediocrity. I basically stole everything from him and just did it worse. Looking back on his experiences, he lived a full, rich life. A life worth telling to people. What have I got to show for myself? Nothing, nothing that even compares to what he’s done. My leadership capabilities pail under his firm command, and even i’ve seen it before. My social skills are shriveled, dated, and tacky compared to his smooth and suave demeanor. I’ll never be anything other than a jokester pickpocket, he’s stolen millions of pixels. It physically pains me when I flip the pages of his journal, every new name is a shot through my chest, every experience of his invalidates one of mine. I’ll bleed my heart out onto these pages, and it can’t ever mean as much as it would if he did it. I’m just an inferior shadow of him, a hollow shell of a person who was once unique, left to walk the universe alone. The thing that pisses me off the most, is that I can't not write about him. He finds a way to sneak into just about all of the entries! It's like everything i've done has already been done, and i'm just relating it to what he's done. I just want to be able to live a life worth living, but I can’t fight the feeling those days are gone. I’m just riding off the end of Ziggy’s glory days, a style of living thats place is fading.

So what have I done for myself recently? I’ve blown the brains out of some avian, coating the wall and Jenkins in a bunch of disgusting viscera. And i’m glad I did it too. But this story requires a lot of explanation before you can understand why I didn’t regret replacing his grey matter with hot lead. Time has all but become a blur to me now. Noteworthy events are so few and far between for me, every day seems to mash into a single mess of time. That’s why my journals have been so bleak and robotic, I didn’t have any feelings on the matters. I don’t foresee these monotonous days getting any better soon either. I’m scared that my life really won’t amount to anything worthwhile in recent days. Sure, i’m technically running the Rabbits, but they haven’t anyone to help anymore. Maybe I would be okay If my friends didn’t all decide to die or run away… i’m writing off course here. Too many feelings now. Shit.

So my days are very bleak now. I still find the occasional joy in spending time with Karo or talking to some of the remaining residents of Council-Space, but it’s nothing like things used to be. Anyways, Karo, Mick, and I decided to head over to Ragnarok to relax a little while and get some drinks. It was light and cheery, Karo seemed to be in a happy little mood as well. Mick was even getting into the swing of things, but of course things went south quickly. That fateful moment is burned into my brain; I doubt i’ll ever forget it. Mick’s face warped from a smile into the most serious, terrified look I think I had ever seen on him. “Hit the deck!” He cried, and I threw myself out of the chair onto the cold stone floor. A loud Zap could be heard, before I heard someone crumpling to the floor. I knew it had to have been Karo who fell onto the floor. I frantically dug for my gun, but my hands shook so hard it felt like it took forever to draw it. When my head finally cleared, I could hear a male voice asking who he just killed. I can’t even recall what happens next, as my blind rage made things blurry. My heart thundered, jackhammering my head with the sound of rushing blood. I saw red as I balled my talons into fists. I screamed at Mick, “SHOOT!” Almost immediately, Mick send a bolt of lead at whoever had attacked Karo. I managed to scramble up onto a knee, just in time to see Karo’s attacker rise as well. A black avian, wearing black ballistic armor with some sort of energy rifle. Seeing that plucker was still moving, I raised my gun at him and let loose. I was so shaky at the time, my shot went wide and only took out his gun. As he was disarmed fully, I withheld filling him full of bullets for the time being. I stood up fully, and just as I did, Richards bursts in the bar door. “Freeze. Face me.” He said, and the black avian complied. Just as he turned, however, the avian said something like, “Could you just tell me his name? I want to know the name of the grounded scum I just killed.” There was nothing I could do to stop myself. It was instinct that drove me to pull that trigger; to remove his brain from his skull, and I’m damn happy I did it. Nobody can fuck with my people and get away with it like that, especially not twice. Apparently, it was that avian who shot Karo on Monolith before. Karo is now back on his feet already, considering his attacker only gave him a shock. I have no idea what I would’ve done without Karo. I already have so little left.

So few opportunities. So few goals. So little potential. So few friends and family. Moonfeathers is gone, for whatever reason. I thought we had something special, but what do I know. The only thing I know how to do is carry on in life… but i’ll be damned if I just roll over and let life kick the shit out of me. Pluck that. I’ll carve an interesting life out of the shit i’m in if it kills me. I’m not content to live in monotony anymore. Nobody's gonna help me with this, so i’ll do it by myself. I’m young! Maybe I might not ever live up to what others have laid before me, but i’ll die trying to climb higher than they’ve ever been. Maybe then I can die happy.

 

For the first time in a long time, I feel like i’m the whole me again. I’m not split by emotions, my thoughts aren’t clouded in doubt; I can see clearly now. While I would never admit it to anyone, Mick really helped me get through probably the worst patch of shit i’ve ever been through. Now that i’m through it, I find I struggle with explaining exactly what was going on with myself. My emotions were all so mixed I can’t wrap my head around it. Luckily, it’s behind me now. I can finally get moving into my ‘do something with my life’ plan, but what? I’m not sure what I can do exactly, but nonetheless, i’ve started training for something anyways. Ergh, my intros are all a mess, maybe I should take that writing composition class. Anyways, i’ll start from the beginning.

It was just another dreary day at home, I was passing the time reading by candlelight on my bed. I remember it very clearly, actually. The wind was howling lightly at the window, making the trees sway and dance gently outside. It was cool and slightly humid, and it smelled faintly of earth and sap. The dull vibrations of my PDA drew me out of my book, whisking me away from my best escape from reality. I was a little upset the device stole my attention, but I took it into hand and read whatever it had to offer me. It was a text from Karo, a rather concerning text. I resentfully set my reading aside and made ready to head for Karo’s ship. At the telepad, our resident marine was relaxing by the springs, dangling his feet into the warm water, almost as if waiting to tell me his farewells. He did just that and I beamed onto Karo’s ship.

I can’t say I was expecting the son of a ghost, but that’s what I found. Karo was talking with a brown avian that looked strikingly similar to Karo. I was taken off guard, and actually a little upset that Karo would make something like this seem so urgent. We spoke for some time, and I got acquainted with Kahlua, the brown avian. We later extended an offer for him to stay at our home, and he accepted, on the idea that he wouldn’t be staying permanently. I have my doubts on that. His sister, Tenca, has also come to join us. Kahlua seems to be the responsible one, with a strong moral compass. Tenca has come across as more childish, energetic and troublesome. The thing that stuck out to me the most; they’re both Downsilk. And pappa Downsilk is coming to visit as well. I guess I better get ready for that, because I’ve got more than a few hatchets to bury.

Continuing on the trend of familiar faces and new residents, a face I never expected to pop up again has crash landed back into the family. Literally, as I was one of the people who responded to her distress beacon. Of course, some Novakid had beaten me to her, though. I was talking to him as we heard the call, and he almost instantly beamed off. He didn’t even go to the telepad, he stopped to teleport with his device. In the time it took for me to grab a weapon, prepare my ship and head over there, the Novakid had already found her and arranged for travel. I guess some people always have their gear on them, are master pilots and wouldn’t be caught dead without fuel in their ship. Anyways, the snowy white bird had crashed on a snowy white planet, in perhaps a type of cruel joke. It took me a little while to recognize her, but the scar sent it all rushing back to me. It was Sunny. Now, I hadn’t know her very well before, but i’m happy to see her nonetheless. We caught up over some dinner and she’s happily living back on the Springs again. That makes three new residents since my last entry. I’m overjoyed that the place is filling back up again, and it makes my chest well with pride when I overhear just how well the Springs have been treating them. While I hadn’t made the place myself, I can’t help but feel proud about where I live. It’s a real utopia, and it’s not in a dream; it’s a real place.

So what really cracked Volare? What split me open to the point where it took all my friends to piece me back together again? Putting all my emotions within and holding them there is what. One conversation with Mick, and one comment too far led to me exploding, unjustly letting out my anger on an innocent marine. He caused me to crack, and Karo put me back together again. I had a long, long chat with Karo, explaining how I felt about things, my issues, all that. I normally would never dump my problems onto someone else, but in this case, I had to. Karo helped me sort myself out, and i’ve come out a stronger man because of it. Lesson learned.

Lastly, I admit I haven’t put all too much thought into my plan from my last entry. I can’t really think of something to dedicate myself to, or even just something I could do that would, at the very least, be memorable. Crime? Not really my forte, and I like being alive. Justice? Not really my forte, and I like being alive. I always seem to fit into the middle of things, and I think that might be why I might end up not having anything eventful happen. I’m never part of an extreme, i’m always moderate. So nothing extremely cool will happen to me? I’m not sure. Anyways, i’ve begun training with Kahlua, Karo and Mick. Running with Karo, physical training with Kahlua and combat training with Mick. Whatever it is i’m going to be doing, i’ll be prepared for it.

 

If i’m going to be using this thing, I should really do it more regularly. I feel like i’ve already forgotten about half of everything that’s happened since my last entry already. Nothing overly exciting happened since then anyways, so nothing was really worth recording in detail. The earliest noteworthy event I can really recall was some kind of attack on Upside.

I was not even a good thirty feet or so into Upside before Tenca decided it was a good idea to pull the old ‘who is it?’ trick. Naturally, I don’t take too well to being grabbed from behind, so I fought away from her like some kinda paranoid nerd. She thought I was scared I think. Anyways, she tried to cook up a plan for us to make, but she could only come up with ‘stealing something’ or ‘burning down a whole planet’. Both of which were pretty unreasonable, so I offered up a quick adventure instead. She accepted and we both took a self-guided tour of the ‘now-open-but-then-closed’ portion of Upside. That is, at least until guns started cracking in the air and the radio blared for help. Tenca and I hung out atop the telebuilding, watching them madness unfolding below. Every single visitor to Upside must have showed up with a gun to stop the apparent raiders, who were now trapped in the teleroom. It was a total cluster. In the end, a human hostage and a glitch passed away, leaving a few others injured. The raiders made it away without losing any, it seems. I guess we can only imagine what might’ve happened if people put down their guns and negotiated for once in their lives.

On the subject of Tenca, I should get to know the kiddos a little better, I think. Especially Kahlua, seeing as Tenca is much too rowdy to hang with, really. They live in the same home as me, but I hardly speak to them outside of morning exercise. It’s also been an amazing relief to see Mom and Pops back, alive at that. Never imagined i’d embrace one of them again, so I was overjoyed to see them. I’ve had a few chats with the newly minted old man, and things still feel mostly the same. I make a fool of myself, but it’s still fun. Despite what I wrote previously, meeting with Ziggy really solidifies with me that I am not overly similar to him, not at all. I’m my own person, very capable of handling everything I need to handle on my own, and that realization comes with great relief. I’m not sure how long they’ll be there, but I really want to get every moment I can with them. I haven’t even been able to speak more than a few sentences to Necapan, and I am ragingly curious about what she has to say. She’s like a whole new person now! Will she bring up the past much? Who’s to say.

My little realization that I was capable of doing everything and anything on my own, and that I am indeed unique has blown the already open doors of opportunity off the hinges. I feel kinda free again, like the inexperience star-hopper I once was. I’m young, i’m strong, and I’ve got the will to do just about anything. So the first thing i’ve decided to do is try to get into sparring. I’ve already had a few fights with Mick during his training, but i’m looking to get myself into a little more trouble than that. I managed to get my first partner yesterday, Quixca, the chef at Upside. Which is, wow, a big surprise. I won’t admit it, but she got the best of me in that fight; I can tell you i’m certainly more sore than she is. She attributed her fighting skill to what I assume was a troubling past, and I really can’t say i’m surprised. Seems everyone from Antares or Council space isn’t quite right, but I digress. It was nice to get out to meet new people and fight them right after.

Funny enough, Sarah was almost the first person I sparred with. Honestly, I’d probably lose that fight too. What’s with this place and overly buff women? I mean, i’m not complaining really, it’s all fine until they’re beating me up! Anyways, i’ve been enjoying some more time with Sarah as of recent, and it almost seems like she has two personalities sometimes. Around me, she’s always happy and jokey, but in public she can be a real menace. At least sometimes. Regardless, I enjoy our time together, but I’m kinda scared she might latch onto me. Hopefully things can stay the way they are right now. I’ve also been considering putting myself into Sarah’s security company, but I am pretty hesitant about the idea. Security isn’t my deal, but it does sound like a pretty big adventure, and i’m craving a good adventure. I’ll consider it, and I might consider it more seriously if my sparring doesn’t turn into a fight club like I hope.

Another little adventure i’ve been looking forward to is meeting the people of ‘Mud’. I have no idea who named the place, because honestly, it almost sounds self-depreciating. I got involved with this small, backwater colony through a green avian named Ernal. I think we first met at the new pool in Upside and we hit it off after a dip. We’ve talked a little since then, and he seems to be an interesting enough guy. He gave me the opportunity of a lifetime, being the first outsider to his colony to visit, and i’m actually really excited for it. I understand that i’ve got a duty to do as well, because I need to be an example for all outsiders. Can’t go tainting the whole outside world’s reputation, now can I? I think I can handle it. It’ll be a blast.

So much to look forwards to now, I’m almost ready to bound out of my seat and get to it already. Actually, I think I will.

 

Things have been going well. I’ve been making new friends, spending time with old ones, and getting myself into a little trouble too. All in good fun, of course. But on the contrary to my general good moods, it seems the visitors and residents of Upside are starting to feel a little crestfallen. What with all the gunfire, death, and crime, I can feel it tugging at me too; not too strongly, though. However, i’ll keep the bad news to a minimum, as i’d rather write about one of the most exciting things that’s happened to me recently.

Zing! My stomach was a little upset and my head was woozy momentarily from the beaming process (They say you get used to it, I think it will always feel a little weird), but I caught my bearings quickly. Ernal was chatting with somebody just a few feet away, so I went over to greet them. As I spoke with Ernal, the other person left. I guess I scared them off? Oops. It’s never a good feeling, but life goes on. After a bit of a chat, Ernal finally offered me to go and take a tour of Mud. My eyes lit up and i had to hold my breath for a moment; it’s really a once in a lifetime experience! I gave him an enthusiastic yes and we stepped onto the pad to get deconstructed, then later to be reconstructed. Made my head woozy again, but I didn’t care. The teleporter for Mud is in a small room with some lockers near the western end of town, I think. We quickly made to set foot outside and I was taken aback by just how beautiful the place was. My talons squished into the warm mud as the warm, gentle beams of sunlight caressed my feathers. The rustling of leaves from the nearby forests and the scene itself truly reminded me of The Springs. It was almost like visiting a home away from home. But to start the tour, just outside the room are some large water, earth, and moon symbols. I asked Ernal about them, and he offered a small explanation about them. Water and earth make mud, and the moon is for freedom. It was a nice sentiment to put them there, I suppose. The next stop was Ernal’s office, which surprised me a little. I suppose Ernal really does rule Mud like a mayor would a town, maybe he’ll be like Argus? Anyways, the next really interesting thing to me that we found was a small room to relax in. It had a roaring fire with a bunch of cheerful looking avians huddled around it, sharing jokes and good times. It made me feel happy to see such camaraderie and community, even if it wasn’t my community. It’s just a wonderful thing to see. Moving on, we passed a small blacksmith before coming upon a rather large brick bridge. As we climbed the stair and crested onto the pathway, a cozy market world opened up before my eyes. It reminded me immediately of the markets on Avos; the fresh produce, the beautiful tapestries, the bustling people, and most importantly: the amazing atmosphere. We walked slowly to take it all in, eventually finding ourselves at a small tavern or restaurant kind of deal. Ernal was so kind as to pay for a small meal, and we chatted over that for awhile. We met another avian who was playing the harp, but i can’t really recall their name right now. They expressed some concern about people being upset about my presence -- being an outsider and all -- but Ernal told them there had been no issues. The other avian left Ernal and I to finish eating, but the tour was mostly over after that. We took a picture so we could remember the day for a long time to come, I already put it into my scrapbook. I really do like Ernal, he seems to be a nice guy in a not so nice world.

But seeing Mud got me thinking; Ernal didn’t seem to carry any religion with him at all. I think nobody on Mud has been introduced to the faith, so really, they’re grounded. A full community of grounded so very close to me, I can’t help but feel like this is the one and only opportunity i’ll get to really expand the Rabbits. It would be something I would need to talk with Ernal about, possibly after I give him a tour of my own home. The Rabbits need some new life injected into them, a new chance for family and community. I only hope things work out for the best there, i’ve been wanting a larger family for awhile now.

Karo was kidnapped as well. It explains why he was gone for so long, but he’s back and okay now. He’s recovered and gotten over it already, so I won’t dwell on it here either. It’s in the past, we’re moving on.

 

Nearly two weeks since my last entry. I’m glad there’s not somebody pushing me to write these things, else they might’ve been getting upset at how long it takes for me to do them. I’ll try to write more, I suppose, for my non-existent nagging audience. Or whomever I pass this book onto (or that you find once I die or something. Akhem Jr, i’m looking at you). Regardless, i’ll keep this one brief. I’ve got crops to tend, workouts to do, training to attend, oh my.

Speaking of training, i’ve become a guard for Mud. I think I vowed never to do security work somewhere in here before, but that’s changed. And really, I enjoy it so far; it’s nothing like security work. I get to patrol a veritable paradise of my kin, passing through the bustling markets to watch the daily commotion, exchanging pleasant words with the residents, and they look up to me as a protector. I’m not just some goon who they pay to shoot at bad guys, i’m there for the community. Honestly, it’s the greatest feeling I think i’ve ever felt. Just to know you’re helping out and people respect you for it; it’s hard to even put into writing. I like being a guard, is what i’ll say. I like it a lot. I like Mud a lot.

I’ve been getting to know my fellow guards better as of recent, but I already know a good deal about some of them. Kahlua and supposedly Karo are guards, so of course i’d know them. Francisco is a human male, who I think was forced into this position. I think this was the only job he could manage on Mud to compensate for housing, so now he’s on the security force. I’ll keep an eye on him, because those not compelled for the good of the community might not be the right fit for the guard. Kuro, not to be confused with Karo, is a hylotl who is also a part of the guard. Quiet but curt when he does speak, he’s an oddball. I’m not sure what his motivations are or why he’s a guard, but I almost feel a bit uncomfortable about him. We’ll see. Sparrow is of course our ‘leader’ or ‘head guard’, but he doesn’t go by those terms. It’s all very informal, training and everything. We don’t even have uniforms, so i’m using my old adventure/piloting stuff as one for now. Anyways, Sparrow seems to be a nice guy as well. I’m glad to be a part of the guard with him.

Notes to self:
-Write more!
-Don’t let Sarah drink (disaster)
-Try not to break hearts

 

Yesterday was probably the most exhausting day of my life. More emotionally than physically, but once your mind goes, your muscles really don’t have much will anyways. I was so drained I put this off to today, gave myself some time to really think it over, because I never thought it’d happen. I really hoped it would never happen, but I guess I knew somewhere within me that it was an inevitability. Not only was somebody stabbed to death on Mud, a gun was shot at someone. Maybe not big news anywhere else in the galaxy, but it just felt so strange to me to see on Mud. Disgusting strange.

I had spent a few days at home, relaxing; decompressing from all the -- everything going on. It was nice to spend the time mostly alone, tending to my crops, jogging through the crisp forest air, and preening in the most amazing natural bath i’ve ever seen. I don’t often stop to appreciate where I live, but I certainly felt appreciative then. However, i’ve been missing Kahlua as my workout buddy recently. He hasn’t been there, perhaps he’s leaving early in the morning. Staying elsewhere? Maybe. But I digress.

I beam down to Mud, strolling towards the barracks. It was a nice day, as I recall, and I had actually planned to try and have a little fun that day. I kinda noticed that i’m falling into a pretty boring routine, becoming a robot like one of those jarhead fellas, and I definitely don’t want that. So with a light heart and a pep in my step, I stride right into a murder scene. Blood EVERYWHERE. It coated the walls; the body was unrecognizable. It makes me shudder just thinking of it now. In the middle of the viscera? Noa Jaycee. She had a gun. A gun on Mud. How? I haven’t a clue. Sparrow had no clue either, when I spoke with him later. I was shocked, how was I supposed to respond! Sparrow hadn’t taught us how to yet, I was just as clueless as a regular bystander. As i frantically pulled myself together and asked what happened, she told me some complete shit about ‘Talekas’ and ‘Paperwork’ (at least, was infuriating at the time). At the time, I was almost about to scream! Talekas, playing universe police, shooting people on Mud, overriding my duties entirely? Of course, screaming at Noa would help nobody at the time. I tried multiple times to get her to tell me what happened, but she wouldn’t say anything beyond vague details. I was completely overwhelmed, so I just went to the barracks to slip into my uniform. Time to think as I changed, maybe. When I got back, there was a woman (who i’ll get back to later) with a dead eye and a large facial scar holding another woman, the murderer and gunshot victim. Luckily Britton (another marine, Upside security. Not very personable), came to treat them. I would’ve had no idea what to do otherwise, the most I can do is kiss it and put a bandage on it.

So after a small bit of banter, yelling, and catty remarks, we got the murderer/gunshot victim off to be treated in Upside. Now i’ve said before that any loss of life is terrible… but i’m having second thoughts. Sure, I wouldn’t have just let them die, but maybe it would have been just that they did die. It’s only fair, right? An eye for an eye? Regardless, I don’t know if they survived at all. At some point, the rest of Sarah’s gang shows up, decides it’s time for the galaxy police to handle things. Guh. I was all but about to tear Sarah’s head off until I learned Mud took up a contract with TQRF. It was at that point that my anger was completely unjust, I came to realize. But whatever, i’m still a little peeved that they’re stepping in over me, overtaking my duties. As if I wasn’t capable? It’s insulting. Anyways, I ended up body bagging the body. It was given to the Monolith morgue. Boy did I get a lot of questions showing up to the front door with a corpse. Then back to Mud, scrubbing blood off the now ruined brick walls. That pretty, dull yellow color is still stained a bright pink. I doubt we’ll ever wash off the bricks completely, nor will the incident ever wash off Mud’s history.

After that I was just drained. Sparrow showed up, asked me a few questions, but most of his confused rage was directed onto Sarah. That blew over quickly, just leaving a bitter, battered, and exhausted me to deal with Sarah. And what a joy that was. A quick chat, then a tender moment -- violently snapped away. The dead-eye’d, scarred woman from before came back, demanding something of Sarah, at least I think. Sarah took off without looking back and the scarred woman broke down. Karo comforted her, I think. I need to talk to Karo sometime soon, we’re growing distant, I fear. But once again, besides the point. I was just exhausted. I drug my worthless sack of feathers self to the barracks and napped the rest of the day away.

At least, most of it. I hoped to salvage at least some of the day, taking a little visit to Upside. Despite the attacks and violence, the place is still not too bad. Nor is the company, as I came to find. I walked on past generic camouflaged individual number whatever, as I normally do, but the colony was completely empty otherwise. Figured i’d talk to them, be chipper. Be cheeky. Like I used to be more often. Turns out, marines seem to become less of an army of drones and more like people when you get to know them. A Joshua, he was. Similar to Mick, but different. He was okay, I think. Who he was didn’t really matter, it was just fun to act a little air-headed, make dumb jokes and meet new people. I should do it more often.

 

I guess I did what I was supposed to do. They told me I would be protecting the people of Mud. I guess I do. Sparrow handed me a staff, but i’ve never used it to protect Mud. I’ve brought my taser, but i’ve never used to to protect Mud. I even polished my old piloting gear and wore it, but it’s never protected me or Mud. I spend hours at the gate sorting people. They bicker, they shove, they yell, they protest, but they all come through clean eventually. They tell me that protects Mud. I suppose it does, but when those few manage to get through anyways, I doubt it sometimes. I’ve heard more than a few rumblings from more than a few people; Mud isn’t safe, it’s po

So I take my patrols, I walk the mud, I greet the natives. Yet, i’ve never protected Mud. Kahlua has. I’m sure Francisco has. Even Sarah seems to have before. And i’m less qualified than most to protect it. I just seem less qualified for everything, lately. Not worth making friends with. Not qualified to save people. Bleh. There’s always somebody better than me at something… but I guess that makes me the best at never being the best. Another day, just another day at Mud. I’m sorting out folks at the gate, as per usual. Kahlua rushes on past, TQRF uniform on his chest. Danger, he tells me. I follow behind, ready to protect Mud. We run over to the bar, barging in to help. There’s a human threatening something, I’m not quite sure what even. Kahlua, within a few moments of entering, decides to just whack him in the head. Something he’s not even supposed to do. I could’ve used my taser, but It seemed not. Despite Ernal protesting the blow to the head, Kahlua got the thanks. Kahlua got all the attention. Even when he stormed off in whatever fit he was in, Ernal follows Kahlua. I’m left with the body. Just like when Jaycee shot that human and the other was murdered. The TQRF show up, the marines show up too. They do their thing, they leave. They leave the bodies for me. I drag the bodies off. I clean the blood staining Mud’s bricks. And I don’t recall any thanks for it. It’s my duty, anyways, so I shouldn’t mind. I drag the criminal off to the telepad. Kahlua decides that it would be a fine time to pitch in and stop mucking around, so he helps too. Ernal walks off, nothing said to me at all. Like the time I beamed in and the TQRF were subduing a floran or something. Ernal didn’t say a word to me. I didn’t have a word to say. I was the least qualified person there to help. I was just in the way. We dump the criminal onto the beam pad, send him off to Upside. It’s their problem. “Goodnight, guy.” Not even Volare. Not even my name. Perhaps i’m below my own name.

I just grunted and walked off. I changed, I went home. Home to no thanks. Empty bed. Alone. I’ll wake up tomorrow, work my fields, push my body, and get on with my day. It’ll be the same day as it was yesterday. I won't protect Mud. I’ll visit the other colonies. I’ll try to make friends, but even that isn’t something i’m so great at. I just seem like a kid, i’ll bet. I try to comfort others, i’m just better as a pillow. And i’ll never shake the feeling that there are those better than me, living on my home as we speak and I want to scream. I want to lie down in my bed and bury my head in my pillow and scream. Why should I guard Mud? There are already people better than me to do that. Why should I comfort my friends? Already people better than me for that. Why should I make new friends? Seems like I just act silly in front of all these people. I look at that old, brown bird, and I see it again. He’s better than me. Even his kid is better than me. I was twenty two years old before that child was even conceived and now they’re better than me. In less than a year. I’m lesser than a whole family in less than a year. Karo? He’d be a much better guard than me and he’s a doctor as well. Mick? He’ll beat me in a fight any day. I’m so fucking sick of being second rate but I can’t not be. What am I meant to do? If this is just what I am, then what can I do? People tell you to just be yourself, but I don’t wanna be me if Volare is second rate. And I can’t even manage the rabbits correctly. We’ve only lost members since Ziggy ‘died’. Then he came back, for some reason. Hasn’t it been years where he lives at this point? I should ask him about it… because I might just scream if he stays. Every day, i’ll stare into the eyes of people who do what I do, but better, every day. Every day i’ll be reminded of how i’m just not as good. I’m breaking down. I don’t want this but I can’t just MAKE myself better at things like that. I can push myself, I can beat myself, I can teach myself, but it just won’t make a difference. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m going to snap on someone one of these days, and it won’t be their fault. They don’t know what im thinking. They’re just being themselves and I hate them silently because i’m not what I want to be and they’re better than me. I just want somebody to hold me and tell me it’ll be okay. I'm good at having them tell me it'll be okay, at least.

 

I really hope nobody ever reads this, because it makes me out to be a lot less stable than I am. Or at least I think I am. What I wrote before is true, but it doesn't matter. So i'm second rate? Okay. That's not an excuse to lay down on the floor and give up. I've done this before already too. I flip back through a couple pages, the same crisis is written there. I guess I never overcame the feelings, so it's up to me to do it now. I hate moping over myself; it feels like i'm dragging a pity party around with me. I'm not with that. Nothing to do but try to improve; be better. I'm done riding other's coattails, i'm done chasing what people have already achieved. If I wanna do something myself and be proud of it, something others can look at and be impressed, i've gotta do it myself. What is that? I don't know. But I know i've gotta take steps into this. The first move is for the Rabbits.

Sure, call it riding coattails still, but it's a start. I'll grow the Rabbits, i'll make it a proud, happy community. Something I can look at and at least think, 'I helped bring that along'. That would be nice. After that, that's when i'll start striving towards something of my own. I'm not sure what i'm looking for exactly, and I think that's half the issue. Can't find something when you don't know what it is? Regardless, i've got a goal in front of me. Hopefully it'll help me find out what I want to do after as well. All I want is to be able to look back and know i've had a rich life full of stories. Have to be able to tell my chicks something someday.

 

I think i’ve written it before, but life seems to enjoy throwing the worst twists at you. It’s been a rollercoaster of a few days. Or a single day, according to my last entry. Time escapes me often, I suppose time really isn’t important out here anyways. I don’t have any yearly doctor’s appointments or anything, there’s nothing demanding my attention out here; it’s the frontier, baby. There’s nobody stopping the suave businessman from making a deal; nobody’s stopping the anxious explorer from plodding onto new soil; nothing’s stopping the killer from pulling the trigger. Time means nothing when you’re having the time of your life, or perhaps fighting for that life. It’s a dangerous lifestyle, but I don’t think I could ever leave it now. A certain somebody once questioned why I stayed out here, a young fellow, if i recall correctly. I turned and told them, “I’ve got people to care for.”

He quickly replied, “Well why wouldn’t you move somewhere safer?”

I didn’t give them a straight answer. I told them I couldn’t, or maybe that we were stuck. It was a lie; we all know why we’re out here. Unless you’re stuck, you’re staying because you like something in the frontier. The lawlessness. The open, free space. The lingering sensation of danger, maybe the thrills it brings. I feel all of that, and I know I couldn’t leave it. My brain tells me that I should take life slow, I should take it easy. Relax, find a woman who loves me and I love them, settle down. Live a simple life. But deep down within me, I know that’s not what I want to do. I secretly want that stress in my life. I want the suspense and fear from doing something I shouldn’t. I want to try to make friends, I want to try to spread some love, and I want to feel the pain from when these things fall apart. It’s all that makes me, me. Call me crazy -- maybe I am -- but when my heart starts thumping, my feathers stand on end, and the adrenaline starts pumping? I feel alive. I feel alive when i’m spending time with my friends, family. In life, you should never live it one sided. Living a whole life happy is only living half a life. You’ve got to experience pain and loss to become a real, rounded person. It’s all part of the Avian experience, and i’ve come to accept that.

Of course, that’s deep within me. I can say these things, but they’ll often not show on my surface. I don’t telegraph a lot of my real feelings to people, and they’ve told me it’s not good. I’m not gonna stop, though. I’ve made it this far, i’m not gonna change now. People should always be able to see me as somebody to rely on, an anchor when seas are turbulent. When I break down, cry on them, and don’t hold myself up, i’m failing people who need my comfort. Regardless, i’ll hold those feelings inside me. It’s just a small realization, perhaps; Volare still has to do what Volare does. That’s certainly not craving mischief at every turn, like some other kids I know. I still adhere to my good old family values.

Speaking of family, we’ve expanded. Ernal’s a fine addition to the Rabbits, somebody who I really care about and can trust. The same day I welcomed Ernal into the fold, Sunny made a guest appearance as well. It seems that the Springs lit up with life that day; Karo even popped in for awhile. Sadly, Sarah stole him away. TQRF business. Good for them, I suppose, but I do miss my friends; I worry for them. I worry for Sarah. We debated helping Karo, but he shut us down. Sunny seemed intent on helping, but she gave up on the idea quickly. She was content to splash around in the spring with Ernal and I for awhile, even broke out a toy water gun to squirt us with. It was a blast, literally. She managed to make a plastic toy explode and she got a bit of a boo-boo on her shoulder. Fixed herself up by herself too. For somebody who seems to act so innocent at times, it makes my head spin with what they do. The mouth on her is worse than a drunken human and she seems pretty capable most of the time. Anyways, we went back to the springs after that. Just relaxing, blowing off responsibility like adults shouldn’t. It was nice.

Nice until another distress beacon sent Sunny into another tizzy. She insisted that we go check it out, and I won’t lie, I was curious myself, but how often do we just get to relax? We debated for just a few minutes before my feet were headed for my closet. My pilot's uniform was on, holster filled with a deadly hunk of metal. Ernal was reluctant, but he wanted to come along with us. I gave him my taser, considering that would suit him best. We stepped onto the pad as a trio, beaming off into the great unknown.

My brain felt like mush momentarily as we beamed in, and the blaring sirens didn’t help my state. I shake off my mental cobwebs, taking in the dark room. There were already two marines there, Brit and a ‘Matt’, I think they called him. Sunny, Ernal, and I along with two trigger happy jarheads. Nothing could go wrong. The dark, run down ship immediately gave me a terrible feeling. The vents seemed to whisper at me, the ship groaned and protested at our presence. My feathers were always on end and I was always on edge. I don’t think i’ve felt fear stinging so clear before in my life, actually. “Let’s go back, the marines can handle it.” I suggested to my kin.

“...No, we’ve got this!” A small, chipper voice replied back. One unwilling to reason. Sunny insisted we pushed on through the ship, insisted we dove deeper into this hole. The vents continued to whisper, blood stained the walls, and I couldn’t shake the feeling something was behind me the whole time. Ernal was mostly quiet, just watching with wide eyes. I feel horrible for dragging him into this, but I had little choice. I was unwilling to leave Sunny to get herself hurt and Ernal was unwilling to leave alone. I was stuck, so we pushed on. Blood, skulls, more whispers through the vents. Sunny even went vent diving, I don’t think I breathed once while she was in there. We all made it okay, until we found a bedroom. Brit, I think it was, decided to tamper with something in the room. Suddenly, a scream pierced the whole ship, from nowhere, from everywhere. I fell over, clutching my ears wildly. It grew in volume, an ungodly sound. We all decided it was time to go, there was nothing left for us there. I knew I wanted to remember, though. I knew that I secretly want to be able to remember all the bad, maybe it lets me know how good it is now. I snagged a lava lamp, sacrificing my ears well being for a stupid lamp. But it’s my lamp now.

We beam back into the Springs, it was all over. Ernal somehow lost his hearing, he still can’t hear well as I write this. Sunny fainted as soon as we got back. When I roused her, she was almost in complete shock. I reassured her until she just broke down, crying into my shoulder. I hugged her and told her it would be alright, and It was alright. Ernal seemed to recover quickly, thank the stars. Karo was there as well, caked in blood. Covered in it. I wanted to scream. Karo too? He said he was okay, though. It was all okay. We all ended up okay. Sunny fell asleep, crying on my shoulder. I left her on the couch. Ernal and I spent the night, reassuring each other with the simple comfort of touch. It was all okay.

So now here I am, writing after the fact. How do I feel about it? I guess I can’t say I didn’t wish happened. I wanted to remember it, after all. The lava lamp is in the rec room. It’ll always remind me of the day Ernal became a Rabbit and the day we walked through a literal nightmare. I’ll probably dream about the corpses and blood for years to come, stains on an already worn mind. Even the horrific parts of a life help to make it rich, in a way.

In the end, I did what I did best. I kept my people safe and happy, or at least tried for their sake.

 

Everyone is safe and happy, at least I think they are. Nobody seemed hurt, even. It boggles my mind, but I suppose if they’re happy, it’s not my business. Still, talk about a wake up call. It took until right now to realize that the Downsilks are not people I want to associate with. The people I used to look up to the most in the universe, those who I was closest to, now they're the things I don’t want to ever be near again. They’ve done and will continue to do terrible things. They should’ve never come back here once they found their new home, at least I got a conclusion and had fond memories of them then. Kahlua probably doesn’t apply, but i’m not counting him out just yet. All I see is brown.

But what I know of them, it’s not my business. They can continue to do whatever terrible things they want to do, I’m just finally cutting my own path. I considered kicking them off my home, but I have no real grounds to do that. I’ll just avoid them further, it’s not like I see them much already anyways. I’m almost glad this happened, because it’s given me the real push that i’ve needed to change myself for the better. No more lame excuses to sleep around, that just hurts people. No more casual theft, that’s just dumb. No more dumb kid, no more jokester. I’m supposed to be leading a community, not be messing around like a child. So i’m growing up. I'm really my own me now.

But that whole incident doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I took the lesson from it and i’ve forgotten it. I don’t care about it, I don’t need to care about it anymore. It’s not my business. This was a bad entry too. Hopefully I never read this one again in the future.

 

Two weeks, Volare. Just you, the Springs, the fields, and your tools. Enough time for me to do all the soul-searching self discovery I need to become the person I want to be. I won’t be leaving the Springs, contact with people there will probably be minimal as well. I feel bad for leaving certain things behind, but it’s something I need to do.

Moonfeathers is back too. How I had missed her, I forgave her far too easily. Life is too short to be upset anyways, it’s fine. I’m just scared of what this means now. I’d like to see how far Moon and I will go; perhaps I can finally find a nestmate and settle down, but I don’t want to hurt Sarah. Even though both Sarah and I know how it’ll end, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. And even though i’m nearly certain of what Moonfeathers will do, it doesn’t make it hurt any less either. It seems like there’s just nobody a bird can settle down with anymore.

Regardless, this is about me. Some Volare time; time for me to really develop myself. I just hope that those around me manage to find some time to mature themselves as well. See you in two weeks, galaxy.

 

I’m not sure you’d call it an increasing amount of indifference over time, or rather a growing sense of reason; whatever the case, I really don’t feel too strongly about whatever had me going before. I was never good holding a grudge anyways, I just hope that’s because time works some sense into my head rather than whisking it away slowly, right out from under my beak until I don’t care anymore. Regardless, it feels nice to let things go; nice to move forwards in life. That’s what this whole deal was supposed to be about anyways, so it fits nicely that I leave any sour feelings behind as well.

As per usual, I believe I overreacted when I said I needed to ‘mature’ or whatever. I’m practically a fledgling still! I almost feel as though i’ve been robbed of my youth, what with all the shooting and killing and death and such. Still, it seems i’m right around the average age for the sector. Maybe Council-Space truly is a bunch of young people running around pretending to be knowing what they’re doing all the time? Anyhow, i’m too young to try to play the part of an older, wiser person. I’ve still retained the lesson, however, and it’s important that I keep whatever maturing i’ve done tucked for when I need it. Or perhaps keep the mature side out and tuck away the fledgling side? Who knows.

Another note (though not for myself, this is directed at YOU. Yes, you. Whoever found/was gifted this journal and is now reading it.):
I’m sane and I swear it! Some of my journals make me out to be completely whacky or depressed near constantly, so I am gonna clear that up. Generally, things go rather well out in Council-Space; there’s little tragedy, not much depression, certainly not as much shooting as I make it out to be either (at least not at me personally). I’m doing okay! It’s just that generally, tragedy is something that will stick with you longer than a pleasant day out talking with your favorite green bird, or maybe an evening with a gold-locked lady. The point being, I’ll record ill-doing events far more often than pleasant times, simply because they stick into my brain a lot longer. I’m not just a walking pile of red feathers and sadness. Swear!

Anyways, i’m sure my writing hasn’t improved much at all (it hasn’t. Look at these varying styles too! Ak.), but whatever. I should get some sleep, i’ve got a lot of people to get re-aquainted with come tomorrow.

 

Joined Mick's Rangers, haven't really had to do anything for it yet.

Told Ernal no to a relationship and he finally got it this time, I think. He's doing okay after as well.

Yelled at Kahlua a bit, ended up making an ass of myself. Oh well.

Upside is gone, shame. Blown to bits from what i'd heard.

Improved the springs, new rooms, made a shack, ect.

Jaycee left the sector, not even sure if i've mentioned her before.

We've been hiring all sorts of whacky guards for Mud too, been trying to get them fired. Think it's working.

Probably a lot of things I forgot. I'll write more often, or so i'll tell myself.

Things are going okay, I suppose. Too lazy to write a nice entry.

 

I haven’t had much time to pick you up and tell you what’s been going on lately. I suppose that’s a common theme in recent days, though. Not enough time. In any case, i’ve got about a month's worth of events to try to recall and retell. Teaches me to put things off until later.

Mick Lanski. Bit of a ghost on the Springs as of late, but I think he’s trying to do something to get out. He caught me drunk off my tailfeathers one night, sleeping in the kitchen (I think, don't recall why I was drunk). I don’t recall much of it, but I know we promised to talk, and so we did. He caught me a day or so later, sat me down, told me all about what was going on. It seems that Mick wants to put together an aid and relief group which also responds to distress beacons. All non-lethally; it seems like Mick is becoming a pacifist like Ernal. I suppose that’s a good thing, but as the days go past, I can’t help but drift further from that kind of thinking. Inevitably, people need to die. We can try our best to prevent it, but some will need to die. Regardless, it sounded like a noble effort, so I promised Mick i’d pitch in to help out. In the time since that’s happened, though, I haven’t seen him again. He said it was kinda dead in the water at the time, so maybe it didn’t work out. I feel bad for him, kiddo doesn’t seem to have anything to himself anymore. Hope he’s feeling okay.

While Mick’s little gig doesn’t leave me with much to manage, i’ve got a lot of responsibility dumped on me from Mud. Sparrow’s been having issues, apparently. Ernal tells me the brownbird threw someone off the top of a building or something and killed them. Apparently the event shocked him into resigning from his position at head guard. This is a huge issue, really, because Mud’s already having a bit of a security crisis and the lack of a head won’t help. Initially, Sparrow approached Kuro about the head position. Kuro is the gigantic imposing fish that lives on the outskirts of Mud in his ship, apparently cooped up in there most of the time. I hardly see him around, much less see him patrolling, which makes me question Sparrow’s judgement. The more I think about Sparrow, the less and less I feel he was really qualified to run security for outsiders. They’re a different type of people, ones that need to be monitored and can’t be trusted. Regardless, when Ernal told me about Kuro being the new head, I was a little confused. After some discussion, Ernal convinced me to talk to Kuro about taking the head guard position. Personally, I might not be the most qualified, but I felt like the only guard patrolling constantly who cared about Mud, so I was willing to go ‘try out’ for the position.

I hadn’t been around Kuro’s ship before, really. It was massive and imposing compared to the humble brickwork of Mud. It felt eerie and out of place, but maybe it was just my nerves getting to me. I climbed the ladder and knocked at the airlock. The face that greeted me was just as imposing as the ship it resided in, if not more. Kuro was at least two feet taller than me and his frame was completely filled out with muscle. His passive eyes seemed to stare deep into me, like he could be pondering anything. Anything from that painting he kept looking at while we talked or crushing my head like a beakseed. Still, I didn’t let it stop me from talking with this slimy beast. We sat down over some tea and discussed the issue, which was a huge relief; made him seem much more relatable and less terrifying when he was speaking. After little chatter at all, he gave the reins over to me. It seemed almost like he didn’t want them. Makes me question Sparrow. We left his ship, told Ernal, and that’s that. I’m the head guard of Mud, and there’s going to be changes around Mud. It’s going to be hard, I think, but somebody’s got to do it, and I want it done right.

My personal life hasn’t been much less stressful either recently. Ernal apparently couldn’t let us just be friends, apparently he couldn’t get the idea drilled into his birdy skull. I thought i’d made it very clear in the past, but I guess not. It was just another breezy night on the Springs, I was hanging in the kitchen and Ernal comes to visit (or that’s how I think it happened). We sat down, it got sappy and I think there might’ve been some tears. I told Ernal this needed to stop, and he looked me in the eyes and demanded I told him we’d never be a thing. Never ever. I did it, because obviously we couldn’t be nestmates, and he needed to let it go. Still, it always hurts to see a friend get hurt; it hurts even more when you’re hurting a friend. I felt terrible I couldn’t have let him down softly, but it’s better in the long run for me. And him. He ran off for a few days, I think, but came back soon after. I think it’s changed our friendship for the worse, though. I haven’t spoken to him on matters that aren’t business in what feels like ages. It might just be coincidence, but maybe we’re growing further apart. I hope not.

Met a hen named Nochitl (I think) awhile ago in Mud, but her friends and I like to call her Malli. She’s a native to Mud, from the Waterdipper region. Her guardian is Sparrow as well, so I guess they're a little family of sorts. She’s nice and cheery with a lust for adventure, reminds me a lot of myself when I was a little younger. She had apparently never been off Mud before, so I arranged a camping trip for us, off to some little arid planet. I thought it was empty, but it was covered in primitive homes, likely floran build. Luckily for us, the most difficulty we faced was a few steep hills; the florans evidently weren’t home. I’d like for us to just be friends (and maybe rabbits), but I can’t help the encroaching romantic thoughts about her that seem to invade my brain. I don’t know why and I don’t want it to happen but it just does.

Jaycee returned to this sector as well, for some reason. I believe I asked her why in the one interaction we’ve had so far, but the answer was some ‘gotta do good’ thing I think. I don’t know why she would come back, really. If I ever left this sector again, I don’t know if I could bring myself to return. It’s not a nice part of space.

I looked back through my journals again to see if i’d written about Moonfeathers and I before, and it turns out I have. A few times, actually. Moonfeathers was released from some Sumpervines (I think) and I was instantly overjoyed to hear. I spent half a day sending her texts to find out where she was, I couldn’t wait to see her. When I finally saw her on Mud, I restrained myself from giving her a flying hug. She was around people, after all. Kahlua in specific. We all sat down for some drinks and to chat and I was just overjoyed. Time with a friend and my love and it all seemed so great and so wonderful. And then she started flirting with Kahlua. Ended up going to his room at some point too. I should’ve known and I did know it was going to happen but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s like she didn’t care about what we had before at all, it’s like she didn’t realize what she did would tear at my heart. I should just give up on her already because I know it’s a lost cause but I can’t and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because i’m lonely. Scared i’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe that’s why I think that way about Malli sometimes too.

I just want to see Devi again. I can’t believe I threw away everything I could have ever wanted. I wish you were here, even if you would have chastised me for things like this.