Kahlua's Journal

*This leatherbound book is quite well kept. If it's not in his left cargo pocket, his journal can be found in the top drawer in his room on the Springs.*

I decided to go ahead and keep a journal, since I've pushed out of the nest. I figured it would help me bank motivation for later, on days that I just couldn't find anything to keep me going. I want to start off by saying that I'm very grateful Cinnamon and I made it to Council Space without any serious problems. Unfortunately, we blew every pixel we had saved up for this little mission mom and dad sent us on. They expected us to retrieve a Fleet ship and turn it in for a reward. Apparently it was dad's old ship he borrowed back in the day, but wasn't able to return. He says he stole it and fully intended to return it, but, after reading about his past on a criminal bounty board, I have to think there might be more to it. Mom and dad always seemed like such sweet people... but they were both wanted for some serious crimes. I need to confront them about it; if they're putting me and Tenca in danger, we have the right to know.

So far I've spent the majority of my time in Council Space talking about my parents to their old friends. They're not my friends, so it's super uncomfortable when they treat me all nice after having never met me... I know that sounds jaded and ungrateful, but I'm not! It's just strange. I haven't done anything for these people yet. I just want to live my own life; I didn't come here to ride mom and dad's coat tails or replace them. I want to do great things. On my own merit.

So I made it happen! I opened up a school on Upside, and I give classes every weekday morning. So far I've acquired a few students. The mayor charges me for the space to rent, so I have to charge the students a little for their attendance. Still, they're getting an education and certificates that may help them find work in the future. For now, I don't have a very reliable income. To be honest though, I don't work to make money. I work to make a difference.

 

I can feel my military bearing slipping away a little bit each day. It's only been a few weeks since I left the Planetary Defemse back home. It's probably not even a bad thing... I feel really upbeat these days. Back home I felt trapped and confined to playing a single role for the entirety of my life. I don't want to be a soldier forever. I wanted to teach and really make a difference. In the frontier, it feels like I can do just about anything I want.

So I broke into an off-limits construction zone with one of my students. It's not something I would have done alone, for sure. I'm not really sure why I wanted to impress Quixca, but I really, really wanted to see her smile and laugh last night. It went pretty well, in contrast to the rest of the week.

I believe it was Friday when a group of raiders attacked the beampad and took hostages. I wasn't there, but every other resident of Council Space was clogging the fatal funnel with their bodies. Two or three people died. Even more were wounded. I feel terrible for the ones that were wounded, but I can't help but feel like if everyone had just stayed calm and tried to work through the problem with words rather than bullets, that Glitch and the human hostage would still be alive.

There was another attack yesterday; it may have been the same guys, it may not have been. I don't know. What I do know, is that I beamed down to a distress beacon to lend aid and was greeted by an overzealous hylotl pointing weapons at my face. I'd remembered to bring my shield, so I brought that up and ducked behind a tombstone before we were able to work out that neither of us were hostile. Thankfully nobody was murdered that didn't need to be murdered. Turns out there was nothing I could do to help, this time. After everyone else left, I noticed that Quixca had come to help as well. Since her ship is on the fritz, I offered a ride back to Upside or her ship. Much to my surprise and pleasure, she suggested we share a meal together. How 'bout that. We talked a long time last night. Several hours, even. While we were eating dinner, a group of Flightless wandered over to our table. A priestess, I think, and an initiate and Sunguard. Despite the fact that I'm Grounded, they seemed polite in asking their questions. I gladly gave them the information they wanted, and they moved along on their way without incident. It was a pleasant encounter. Quixca, however, seemed really on-edge about their presence. Later, I should make it a point to ask.

After turning in last night, I had a weird dream about mom and dad. In the dream, they were terrible, terrible pirates, torching and pillaging villages and colonies in an epic conquest. It was very unsettling, and the unease stayed with me all throughout the morning workout. I'm sure Karo and Volare didn't notice; after all, they haven't known me that long.

In closing, I should learn how to operate and maintain a firearm, probably, since every hot-headed yokel has one out here. My expertise is with hand-to-hand combat, so I am greatly outclassed and disadvantaged here. Also, I should take care with how I handle Quixca. She's a very sweet girl, but she's clearly troubled. She needs a good friend, but we should keep our interactions professional, since she is a student of mine. I'm not sure what it is she wants, but she seems to enjoy it when I put a hand on her shoulder. Anyway, she acts coy and sly, but I can tell she just wants a pal. I'll do my best to give her one.

Volare and Karo- I haven't seen them much lately. When I did see them, it was after the attack on Upside. I helped Karo treat casualties while Volare watched over Tenca. I need to make a point to spend more personal time with them. They seem like good guys. I'm just worried that if I get too close to them, they'll start treating me like they treated mom and dad. Speaking of which, I found mom's journal in my room, in a drawer with some of her clothes. With both of their life stories in my hand, and a general idea of their sins and crimes, it's too tempting to read the books... I can't stand it. I have to know who they really are. Everyone here speaks of them as saints, just like back home. But the records show that they've hurt, robbed, and even killed people... Can a murderer and arsonist really be 'good people?'

 

Life on the frontier is getting a little complicated. Quixca told me that we 'needed to talk.' I didn't really know what to expect, but she seemed pretty troubled, so I brought her aboard my ship to have a chat. Right before she started to tell me what was on her mind, she was called away to her ship. Now I'm feeling a little worried. Maybe it's nothing serious; I mean... I can be pretty accepting so long as people are honest. Unlike what mom and dad did... if they had just been honest and told me what they really were before, rather than letting me hear it and see it second-hand, maybe I wouldn't feel so deceived.

Times with the bluebird aren't always bad. Yesterday we spent a lot of time together. We even went on a little date, if you could call it that. She brought us out to an uninhabited planet and we took a little hike. Though, not before launching us into an asteroid field. We survived, at least. Keh. I tried to play a trick on her, and that ended up backfiring on me. Afterward, we spent a little time sitting on a hilltop watching the moon set and the sun rise... the nearby celestial body was enormous... the ambiance was gorgeous. We couldn't have asked for a better night for a hike.

 

Who can I trust these days? The lines between black and white, right and wrong, are beginning to blur in this sector. I was taught that all criminals are enemies of the common people back home. I was trained to fight to protect people from dangerous individuals like my mom and dad. Yet, here, the people who knew my parents speak of them like local heroes and legends. Except mom. People seem to unanimously hate her. Or they did. Now they seem to have forgotten her. Even the nice woman I've met has just admitted to being a pirate. She seemed so sweet and sincere. I don't really know what to think. She's obviously dangerous... but I guess I am too. I just know better than to hurt people for the wrong reasons. She tries to justify her crimes with 'we never killed anyone.' 'we took from the rich and gave to the poor.' Stuff like that. It sounds like self-righteous hypocrisy, but I'm guilty of it too. I just don't feel like I can trust her. What if I'm with her one day and her rival pirates show up to gun her down? Or if I'm guilted by association by the federal law enforcers? I like Quixca a lot, but she's too much trouble. Perhaps we should just keep things on a professional level. I hope she takes it alright.

 

Ugh. What am I doing? These past few days I've been getting into far too much trouble for my own good. Life on the frontier is bizarre, and I find it difficult to know what the 'right' things to do are. Volare and I had a sporting spar the other day in a ring on Upside. It was pretty rowdy, and I'm still bruised up a good deal. I wouldn't consider this a bad move, if I hadn't seen how upset it seems to have made Ernal, an avian I've just recently met... He seemed genuinely terrified of the implications of our bout. I should speak with him more... The last thing I want to do is upset anyone.

Quixca and I chose to answer a distress call together for a lick of adventure... and adventure we got. It turned out to be a trap, and we were robbed of our weapons before the attackers fled and released us for some reason... I really thought they were going to imprison us and... I don't really know. But I felt so helpless against their guns. Everyone in this sector has them. Powerful machines of death... and I was powerless to stop them from hurting us and taking my weapon. The weapon I was charged with protecting. Thankfully they only attacked me and left Quixca and the other two alone. I'm still healing, but I should be back in shape in a few days. Classes have been resumed, since I can still somewhat walk.

It may behoove me to stop myself from time to time, take a step outside of my mind, my body, and my spirit, and take a more objective view of things. I have a feeling that my young-adult hormones are going to get me in serious trouble with Quixca if I don't cool it.

 

Can I not catch a break? I wanted to fill this notebook with happy memories and thrilling adventures. I didn't want to make this journal my personal vent through which I cling to sanity. Yesterday was absolute chaos...

Firstly, I beamed down to Upside to spend my weekend off around people I enjoy. I managed to find my brother, who was talking with a floran and a human. I wasn't paying any attention to their conversation, and in just a few moments the human was on my brother, ready to pound his face in. Out of fear and... something else, I ran in to help him. Gave the human a good swift kick to the back, throwing him off Willow. I don't know where my brother disappeared to after the fact, but as soon as the human was off him, security got involved, and I made myself scarce... I don't want to be known as a troublemaker. ... More on that shortly.

No sooner had I slipped away than a mysterious armored individual called out for me- well. He called for Captain Veyron. Karo. We do look similar, and I was greatly curious as to what they wanted with my friend, so I attempted to lure them away from the crowd gathering around the unfolding scene with security and my brother's attacker. Also, Willow's friend was being mugged.

I put some good distance between myself and the mystery figure, just in case they wanted to cause trouble... I didn't want anyone else to get involved or hurt. They never showed up- when I went back to investigate, the teleport room had turned into a hostage situation. The armored individual had grabbed an officer as a hostage and was choking her to death. Thankfully there were three other members of the guard around to get her free- just- the way they did it still gives me nightmares. Each one of them pumped the man with rounds until they stopped moving. It was a mess... Why is everyone so trigger-happy? I guess I understand. Red was nearly killed... but did that really warrant a... 'lawful execution', as one of the team called it. Just hearing that made my stomach churn. Is this frontier justice? Where life is no more sacred than the blades of grass being trampled under our feet?

Naturally, seeing this unfold left me vulnerable and riddled with adrenaline. When I left the scene, I was trembling, sweating, and anxious. I was trained for this, wasn't I? I thought I would handle combat and death better. We all did... Would Xitli and Xochitli have done the same? Would they feel as disturbed as I do? Disturbed that our most precious resource is just another commodity to be wasted on the frontier? I should give them a call... I wonder how much time has passed back home... would they remember me?

I digress. Lost in thought, I posted up in the park against a tree, where the human Omega was talking to another human I haven't seen before. He was blabbing about some of his past 'kills' in an attempt to impress the other human. He'd said something about using his 'infantry power armor' to 'kill another guy'. This was enough to grate my nerves finely enough to be spread over pasta. It took everything I had not to destroy him verbally on the spot. When he insulted my family and tried to walk away, everything securing my sanity just snapped at once. I lost control, and I smashed his stupid, smug, shit-talking fucking face. It felt so good. Naturally the human drew a weapon. Cowards always do when they pick fights they know they won't win. I was lost in the moment... So ready to just destroy this human's face beyond recognition. He brings nothing but pain and death through his corporation, and he still has the gall to talk down to me for my lineage? Bringing him pain was the most satisfying thing I'd felt all day. Like a true cathartic release. If Ernal hadn't stopped us, I don't know just how much more I would have done. Honestly, the human would have drawn a gun and shot me in the guts. That's the kind of man he is.

But what about me? What kind of man am I? Lately, I'm beginning to discover that I'm just not as prepared as I thought for life on the frontier. I thought my training and education would have prepared me for everything. I thought I was a 'good guy.' I wanted to make a difference for the better, but here I am assaulting a man over words, relishing in the thrill of battle. I could have died. I could have been just another greasy mess on the sidewalk because I lost control. I owe Ernal a lot for stepping in at risk to himself. That's why I feel so terrible... I was supposed to be the one protecting the weak. Not the other way around. He told me he wanted to take me to his home and give me a job as a guard. An avian's home is his sanctuary. Our families and our communities are more precious to us than our own lives. So I said no. Because I don't trust myself. If I can't even keep control of myself over a disagreement, how can I trust myself to protect something as precious as another man's family and home?

I couldn't tell him no outright. I told him I'd think about it. There's a lot I need to think about. Maybe after I complete my training with Sarah and her outfit I'll feel differently. There's a lot of potential there, I think. She wants to train soldiers to protect the frontier. Perhaps they can offer me the training and skills that it would take to effectively protect the people. A shortsword in a gunfight just won't cut it. Perhaps they can better hone my discipline and my mental fortitude. I... cannot lose control like that anymore.

A man committed suicide by jumping from the landing pad just above the teleporter. He landed within arm's length of me. When I rushed to his aid, one of the humans on the security force told me 'don't bother.' Again, I felt myself falling ill, and I screeched at him about how his role was to protect life on the settlement... I'll remember his face. A missing eye. Unkempt face. Disgusted, I stalked off to allow the security team to handle the corpse. There was nothing that could be done. I needed space to just breathe, at that point.

I was raised believing a set of values, among which are included 'honor' and 'integrity.' I insist on living these values at my very core. So I turned myself into the police for assaulting Omega. Because whether it felt incredible or not, it was still a crime, and I uphold the law. I'm not above it. When I heard the number of pixels for the fee, my heart sank. That's not the kind of money I can make on a teacher's salary. I didn't become a teacher to make money, though. I took up that job to make a difference. Because I turned myself in, however, they were willing to work with me, and reduce my sentence to community service. I couldn't stay there any longer. Upside is an absolute madhouse. I fled to recover at home in a blind daze. I remember snapping back to reality when I hit the surface of the hot-spring. When I emerged, I was freezing... I really should've taken my clothes off. Hope Springs is always cold. Always frigid. Always unforgiving. Alien. I don't belong here. I want to leave. At the same time, the only people I can call friends live here. Without them, I have nothing. ... My mission is complete. Tenca and I found dad's ship. I could leave any day. I could just escape and go home. I could live an easy life, take a fine woman as my wife, and raise a family in blissful ignorance of how the universe really is.

But I won't. Because deep down, there's a morbid curiosity. In a strange way that disgusts me, seeing this death and destruction fascinates me. By no measure do I enjoy it, but the more I see, the more I crave. I can't explain it, and it brings into question:

Just what am I becoming?

 

I did it. I made it through the TQRF training. We all did- all but one. As soon as we beamed to their base, they were on us like sharks, screaming and barking orders. At first it was pretty nerve-wracking. It didn't get much better for the first few days... It wasn't until we started doing combatives training that MSG Britton and LT McKinley dialed it back a notch... the ones who survived the initial training did very well with the rest of their tasks. As a whole, I'm proud of my new unit. It isn't at all what I expected, but it wasn't something I was unprepared for, either. The last few days have been arduous, rigorous, and in some instances, soul-crushing. But we made it, and I'm writing Springside on leave until everyone in the squad is ready for their graduation ceremony. I don't feel much different than when I went in. Maybe that's a lie, actually. I feel far more confident with myself, having been put in a leadership role by LT McKinley. We've gone a long way in our professional relationship. Day one she dragged my father into an insult, and that stuck with me. But just last night she told us how proud she was to have us serving with her. I think it's all part of the game, what she said about him, but I can't help but feel like she has some kind of resentment for him, and by proxy, me. It's probably none of my business.

Anyhoot. Mick and I are probably a lot closer after having been through some wargames together. It was an intense couple of hours where we faced simulated artillery and enemy gunfire. Well. When I say simulated, I mean 'still hurts like hell.' At first, I thought I'd been struck by a real bullet. My whole arm went dead for the rest of the exercise. I can only imagine how Sarah's leg must've felt. I feel kinda bad for catching her on fire.

Sergeant Britton definitely got the lucky end of the stick during that exercise. Since I was able to get up behind him, we were able to disarm him without much of a fight, and he went back to base so we could continue the mission. After these two stressful as shit gun battles, Mick and I were tasked with climbing mountains with our rucksacks to 'deliver aid' to some 'refugees.' It was a fun exercise, but the marching was nearly too much. I was ready to break down and cry, but never took my eyes off the prize. Eventually we made it home... and I made it to a shower.

It's been a long few days, but it's over now. I can't wait to see all my friends' faces. I missed them a ton, and their support and enthusiasm did wonders for my motivation during the parts of training where I just wanted to break down. That's why I want to fight, though. To protect those people that give me their love and support. I'm adamant now that I'm doing the right thing. I should have never doubted myself.

 

It's been a rough couple of days... I think I ruined my friendship with Jaycee. She asked me again if I wanted to 'advance our relationship.' I said no. At first she seemed distant, but I never expected that she would put us both in mortal danger over something so... trivial. While we were on an operation together, she refused to listen to orders and even ignored me outright. It was so frustrating, because I know she knows she could've gotten us killed. The more I write about it, the more frustrated I get, and I'm trying my damnedest to forgive and forget. Am I maybe in the wrong? Am I not looking at this the right way...? I may have gotten close to Jaycee, but I've been trying to keep it more professional than anything.

Then there's Sarah. Lieutenant McKinley. While recovering from the Jaycee event, I came to the Mud tavern to spend some time with the settlement guards to get to know them better. Volare was there. So was Francisco and Sparrow. Lieutenant McKinley also showed up, and started drinking. She overdid it. Sarah said some very bizarre things that make me want to re-evaluate my position in TQRF. Is she fit to lead? Is she even stable? In her drunken haze, she wound up hitting on Volare and me. I thought it was innocent fun while she was winding down, but some of the things she said had me really concerned. I'd never been drunk before, but- I think I really considered it. I really considered taking her home. I can only imagine what an immense mistake that would've been. The last thing I need is more sexual tension with team members. How long until Mick decides he wants to kiss up on me too?

Speaking of mistakes, I think one is currently pending. It hasn't bitten me in the tailfeathers yet, but I can feel it coming. Like... one of those people with uncanny powers of perception that can tell when rainstorms are about to roll in. Ernal poured his heart out to me at dinner (which was quite nice, by the way.) And we slept together. Just sleep. As friends. Just sleep. I'm not gay, or anything like that; he just needed comforting, I think. Needed a friend. So I cuddled him the best a friend could. Cuddled the shit out of that man. It was very strange. I don't know how this is going to change things, but it can't be good. I think... my decision-making skills were on the fritz because of the yellow avian (whose feathers are actually black, but she dyes them), Zyaua. We danced together in the hearth room. It was sweet, fun, and kinda romantic. When we split, I gave her my room at the inn. Over the phone, she teased me about the pajamas she was wearing, and continued to goad me and tease... Yeah. I think I'll chalk up my nap with Ernal as an indirect result of Zyaua's teasing and my crazy, pent-up hormones. That makes it sound like less my fault, I guess.

It's probably time to get up and patrol. I don't do workouts on the weekends anymore. It's good to rest the body, I think. Now if only I could find something to do that relieves stress so I can rest my mind, too.

 

Thankfully, I've been able to keep my feels in check these past few days. Chaos is becoming the norm, and I'm starting to handle it a lot better... Blood is becoming a common sight, and I'm worried what that's doing to my mind. I know it's unusual, it's not supposed to be this way. If I were to go home today, and tell the people the things I've seen, would they look at me any differently? Of course. Of course they would. They would think I'm crazy. Little Xitli couldn't even look at a papercut without bursting into tears. How could I tell her I've had my claws inside of a man's chest cavity?

I'm scared. Above all else, I'm scared. Scared for myself, scared for my family. Scared for the friends I've made. I know I'm changing, and I hate it- I don't want to change in this way. I want to go back to being simple, and ignorant, and sweet. I'm getting... cynical. And I hate it. Little by little, day by day, tragedy by tragedy, I'm getting worse. Growing worse. Is this how the 'bad guys' feel too? The killers, rapists, and thieves? Were they normal like me too?

I held my infant sister again today. She was so sweet... so soft. The chick is a beautiful creature, and she reminded me why I'm subjecting myself to this torture. I wish I'd never come here, but now that I'm here, I won't go back. I won't go back until this frontier is safe, or unless I go back in an urn. Kinda dramatic, isn't it? I really do need to just sit back and unwind sometimes. I take myself too seriously.

So... a few things happened since last time. One of the marines was impaled through the chest and lung by an attacking floran tribe. I expected him to die, honestly. But, the miracle of future medicine has him up and walking around a day later. Bizarre. I guess humans are more resilient than we give them credit for. Anyway. These tribal florans have become quite a problem... some attacked Upside, which is how the marine was wounded, as well as two others that I know of. Quixca and Karo were invaluable in helping them recover. I've asked them both to join TQRF to make it official. Karo's joined, Quixca's yet to get back to me with it. I think... she and I have a lot to work out. Today, there was a scuffle between a floran and a hylotl. I don't think the floran was beyond reasoning, though, to tell the truth, it's hard for me to tell. To play it safe, I had them both banned for the day, to seek medical treatment and stew over their actions.

Ernal blows up my phone on the daily... He's a sweet man. Really. But he's driving me a bit bananas. He needs constant attention, or he gets crazy, I think. Some days I'll open my phone to twelve messages or so- most of them from him. It gets tiring. If he would just lay off a little, it wouldn't be so bad. He often has wise things to say, and again, he's sweet as can be. But I just need some space. He insists we need to 'talk' every two hours or so. It may be hyperbole, and I understand his discomfort with talking over the phone- but it's not always practical to set aside everything I'm doing to come talk to him in person. I hope he can understand.

I guess that's it. It's all I need to write about for now. I haven't seen much of Tenca lately. I hope she's doing alright. Hope she's eating well. Seems like it's only a few hours she's ever around... I hope she's not planning something.

 

So it's been a few days since I've written in this journal. Things haven't gotten much better... When I'm not wrist deep in someone's wounds, I'm collapsed on the floor with injuries. My friends are doing a great job keeping my sanity in check... if you could call this poor patchwork of bitterness and cynicism 'sanity.'

So... To start off, I guess, I'll talk about getting stabbed repeatedly. Some jackass humans were causing problems on the bar in Mud. I wasn't really paying attention to their issues, I really just wanted them out. The things they were saying to Jaycee- they were about to get themselves killed. If not by her, definitely by me. One of them grabbed me, and somehow miraculously escaped a headbutt. So I jammed my thumb talons into his eyes as he started to stab me with a tiny little pocket knife. As soon as my talons were in his eyes, he threw himself off me, and I dropped to the floor, bleeding everywhere. It hurt so badly, I couldn't even get up for a full minute or two. But when I did, I was in a blind fury... I've never been so angry in my life. I never thought I could lose control so fully... when I came back to my feet, I sprinted after the fleeing human. By then, Brit and Francisco had shown up. Brit tazed the other human that was causing problems, and I tackled the one that stabbed me. I wanted to crush his throat... I wanted to finish the little shit. But I didn't. I wanted to- I've never wanted to kill another man in my life, but the fury that was coursing through my veins almost drove me to do it. But I didn't. Because I was surrounded by friends. I could have still killed him.. but what would they have thought of me? I remember being tired. And I remember everything going black. Next thing I knew, I was in the Mud clinic, recovering. I didn't stay too long- mom and dad had come to visit me, as well as half of Mud. And Jaycee... Jaycee was there. I hated that she saw me like that.

So for a few days I was on patrol, no problem... giving classes as usual in the morning. Students graduate soon. I'm very proud for them. The TQRF is expanding soon... I can't keep my thoughts focused. Lately I've been weak. I gave in to Jaycee. I was trying to stop all this... this what, adultery? Not really. Quixca was so upset when she found out I was sleeping with others, I told her I wouldn't. But why should I? There's no ring on either of our talons. It's not fair. I laid out how I felt... I was honest with her. I need to talk to her soon. She's not around much. But... Jaycee's taken a primary role in my life. She's not my nestmate, but she's certainly spent a lot of time in my nest. I don't know what to do about it. Out of control. I'm spiraling.

I went to help her one day- she'd joined the guard, apparently. Her friend was being attacked or something, and she'd sent me a message, asking for help, so I ran from my new home on Mud to find her. As soon as I'd spotted them, I was laid out on my back out cold. Apparently I was hit with a rock. A glancing blow to the side of the head. It had me stunned for a good while. Jaycee, again, was there. She seems to really care for me. I feel terrible for not... committing to her. Maybe I should give it a try? We've already done everything a dating couple would do. We've shopped. We've showered together, we work together, we sleep together, eat together. We fight, sometimes. I mean, we could be a married couple and no one would know the difference. ... No, maybe not yet. Not until things are less turbulent. If they're ever less turbulent... she may be waiting a while.

Tonight, there was a distress call. A pink avian had been struck by an arrow- we beamed aboard her ship, and she blacked out before too long. Karo and Sarah fought a lot during the ordeal. This avian was dying in my arms, and they were worried more about 'orders' and 'ranks' than helping this woman survive. I'm sitting on the floor in the clinic now, waiting for her to wake up. When she does, I don't want her to be alone. I know how I'd feel, waking up alone in a hospital in agony... Anyway, I'm writing this now, laying against my backpack, sitting on my clothes. I don't know how filthy this floor is, can't stand the thought of it. Jaycee's run off somewhere. She was promoted today, and I'm proud of her. Maybe she'll step up and start listening to orders and taking her job more seriously...

Sarah seems to have it in her mind that J and I are a thing. She's so cheeky about it too... I guess she's not wrong. That's why it hurts.

*Appended Scribbling.*

It's also worth noting that I was molested today. I think I'm attractive- it's become startlingly and empirically clear to me that others do too. The doctor from Mud, Yuuto, advanced on me today... the way he laid his hands on me just made me feel filthy. Filthy and helpless... I could've stopped him. I really should have stopped him sooner. I knew he and Ernal were a thing. I knew it. And I couldn't choke out the words 'please stop.' That's all I had to say. He's such a frail man, I could have easily overpowered him. But the way his hand fondled me and grabbed and touched me just made me feel... sick. Powerless. I haven't told anyone yet, and I likely won't. It would ruin Ernal, I think. I think they have a nice thing going. I don't want to ruin that. Even now, I can still feel his webbed hands on me, and hear the words ringing in my ears.
'nobody even has to know.'



((Just a quick OOC note so there's no confusion, OOCly, I didn't mind that this happened- I gave the okay for Yuuto to keep pressing, but stayed IC as a confused Kahlua. So please don't go thinking Yuuto's a creepy rapist or anything like that, nor is his player.))

 

I don't feel like a hero. I don't feel like there's anything I can do to win. Even now, I don't even feel the motivation to jot my thoughts down on paper. The life has just been sucked out of me. I went to see Noa after I'd heard what happened. She had a heart attack, and I wanted to be sure she was alright. I wanted to show her the invitation I was given to the TQRF ball. I've never been to a dance. Not a real one, anyway. There were always festivals on the market bridge back home, but... that's neither here nor there. Getting off track. She's having someone else's chicks. Jaycee wanted me to be hers, but she didn't want me to know about Tlihuic's eggs. I'm not angry with her, so much as I feel betrayed. There's no ring on her talon, nor is there one on mine. I feel betrayed because she didn't tell me. I found out second hand... I'm just the side guy. The plan B.

I went to her today, after Ernal told me she was alright. I went to her to tell her how I felt about her. About us. I wanted to try to give it a shot. I wanted to take her to the dance and make it official. But she told me to wait. She told me that we would have to talk about it later in private, and she ran off to talk with the man she's been seeing. The man she's been housing and taking care of. I should've seen it coming, I guess.

Anyhoot... I followed. I shouldn't have, but I did. I had to know what it was about. I wish I hadn't. I learned that she was carrying his eggs. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. So soon after we'd been together, it was a nightmare. Still is a nightmare. I've been tossing and turning for two whole hours. There was another avian there, too. Xo, she called him. A large armored behemoth... It moved to assault the man whose seed was growing in her. She left him there to die, I expect. Decided it was too much for her to deal with.

I couldn't let him die. Even if he was fucking my woman, I couldn't just let him get pummeled to shitpaste. I don't feel like a hero. I just feel empty. Dissatisfied. I screamed at him. He didn't deserve it. It's not his fault. It's not his fault, it's mine. I was stupid enough to get attached. I knew better. I knew better. But I did it anyway. Everything is pretty hazy. I walked around Mud for a long time. Just thinking. Thinking about what to say, what to do. I can't win. I can fight, and I can struggle to overcome the strife, but I can't win. There is no winning, because the game never ends. I think when I realized that, I stopped being that wide-eyed finch brimming with excitement at the prospect of exploring a new sector. The things I've seen since coming here, I think, have made me cynical and cold. I said some terrible things to her. Things I would never have said to my worst enemies back home.

I can't win. But I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to make everyone else as comfortable as I can until my inevitable breakdown. They'll remember me fondly, think it's tragic, and carry on. Dad was right. I should never have clocked him across the face... our family was never meant to have healthy relationships. Maybe he was doing it to protect me from her. Maybe he saw it in her before I did. Before she did.

Or maybe he just lacks self control.

Like me.

 

It's been forever since I've written in this thing. Since the last time, all of my relationships have gone to shit, Quixca had left and returned, I want to destroy half my family, Jaycee was kidnapped, and I was paralyzed for a day by an alien cactus.

I don't have much to say. I can't really write very well because of the stupid cactus poison, so I'm going to keep it short. Managed to repair relationship with Noa a little, but I still don't trust her. We can be friends, I think. She just needs to put work into finding another man worth a damn. I can't be the only one, and I only half count.

Kade, Sarah's... friend? I don't know what their deal is. He spoke to me today at the clinic where I was recovering. I don't much like him for his tendency to stalk her and harrass her in public. But, he confided in me that he's locked himself from talking to her. We'll see how that goes.

going to bed. Quix will be my pillow. Not keeping her waiting again. bye.

 

*An entire page of his journal is filled with hateful scribbling. Marks scar and tear the page in some places, staining the page behind and bleeding through. Long, ugly ink slashes litter the page.*

I needed that out of my system. There's something horrid incubating in my body, and I'm about to unleash it on the floran tribe that kidnapped Noa and me. I don't know where she is. But I know who has her, and I know what their leader looks like. I will not stop until I have her back and the chieftain's head is a soft, squishy paste under my foot. Those florans that took me from Mud tore the clothes from my body while their guards held me down... I can still feel their horrible little filthy claws crawling across my body. So help me Kluex, I'll burn each and every one of you fuckers alive if I find out you've even laid a single pinky claw on my people.

If it kills me, It won't be before I've gotten them back. It will not be before I've ruined everything their leader has worked to build. Nobody takes my people. Nobody takes me. They're going to pay, and they're going to pay dearly with everything they have and with every drop of sap in their wretched bodies.

There's something horrid incubating in my body, and I'm about to unleash it on these fuckers.
Do until death.

 

It's been a while since I've written in my journal. Before I did, I went back through and read previous passages. I used to be so cheerful and happy. Excited at the prospect of exploring outside of my nest. Well. Things are a lot different now. I feel like I've grown up some. Maybe that isn't right. Maybe I'm still the same Kahlua who was petrified of talking to the sweet owl back home. Just with an extra layer of caustic cynicism.

No, that isn't it either. I'm still good. I can feel it. When I learned what happened with Jaycee and Moonfeathers at the Sempervines tribe, I was ready to torch everything. I felt so... vile. Like I could do true evil. To end that many lives at one time would be a tragic waste of life. Savage or not. The ones involved should be held responsible. Not the whole race.

Anyway... I decided to write today because something extraordinary has happened.

I took a day off! Yesterday I shut off my radio. Shut everything out. I spent the day on myself... And just rested. At first it was hard, because all I could think about was my people getting into trouble without me. Someone getting kidnapped. A distress beacon. A trap. A bar brawl. Mind racing, I decided to try some of that yoh-gah that Trojan showed me. My wallet's still sore over that one. Anyhoot... Breathing exercises have always been great to help me clear my mind, but this discomfort during the poses is so distracting from all the things that aren't real. It's a distraction grounded in reality to help you forget all the things that could be. If that makes sense. Anyway... my mind was clear. For the first time in a long time. And I realized some things. I am of course capable of true evil. But I'm also capable of love and forgiveness. Today I learned that life is all choices. It's not a... not an endpoint. It's the road on the way to the end; it's up to us to choose which way we go. Lately, I've been losing control. Control of my heart, control of my anger. And I lost control because I didn't feel like I had a choice. But now I know better. Is this what they call an epiphany?

I'll be better. I can feel that cheer poking through again. I choose to be that cheerful, friendly finch that everyone got along with when I first arrived in Council Space. Because that, is who Kahlua Downsilk truly is.

 

Today was out of control. I literally awakened and was thrust into combat when Ernal told me to come to a party through text message. However, when I arrived, I was greeted by gunfire in the distance, and Sarah sent m to the TQRF headquarters to retrieve our combat gear. So I returned with three weapons and a set of body armor. One for her, one for myself, and one for Cole. We moved as a squad to find the source of the trouble. It found us. Two armored and armed individuals were holding up Blaze, that human woman from the refugee camp.

After a largely unsuccessful and devastating battle, we were forced to drag a broken Sarah away... Now she's on Lowsake, I think that's what they renamed the refugee camp... they have a decent medical facility there. ... This power-armored, nigh-invincible juggernaut was a monster. They were also wielding an energy-based minigun-type weapon that simply ate through buildings. The sheer destructive potential of these armored nightmares is staggering. I don't know how we're going to combat them if they're going to be a threat...

I spoke with priestess Alirei. I haven't written about her, but she is my current obsession. I don't know why, but every word she speaks draws me in. I desire her acceptance and her attention... this desire extends far beyond any kind of simple base desire for sex or companionship. I've never felt anything like it before... she is truly an altruist, it seems, and I feel unworthy to be in the presence of someone so pure and dedicated to her craft. She took the time to get to know me and to speak with me at length about my troubles. I needed her. I needed her to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to turn out alright... She did. And she did so much more.

The raven's touch sent chills down my spine... she took me by the hand. I read once, when I was little, that if you touch someone's hand, you're cursed to fall irreversibly in love with them. She reached for my hand, but she grips my heart. There's no doubt about it. The way she touched me aroused me in a way I've not experienced yet, either. Again, it was far more than the simple base desire a man feels for a fine woman. I know she doesn't feel the same way. She can't- she's an ordained priestess! The implications are bizarre, she would never have scum like me... But the way she moved for me, the way she brought my face to hers and looked into my eyes, I can't- I can't shake it. As she was leaving for the night, too, I swear she wriggled her behind for me... She couldn't have, though. She didn't, and I refuse to believe that she would've done such a thing purposefully. I would never dare to act on it. no, I refuse to come onto her. If it's how she feels, then she'll have to be the one that makes the first move... but it isn't. It isn't how she feels, because It's a figment of my filthy imagination, and I should feel ashamed for thinking of her in that way. It's selfish, and it's disgusting! She would never want someone like me. Someone who can't control their anger or their desire for casual sex. Someone who wears damaged clothes because they hold sentimental value. A- a filthy mercenary...

But what if I'm wrong...?

 

Regret. Guilt. Passion. I've felt a lot of conflicting emotions lately. It's scary how much your mindset can affect the way your body feels. You can usually tell what's on someone's mind, or at least how they feel just by looking at them. The signs are all there. Wilted plumage. Bags under my eyes. Slow gait. Refusal to eat. The way she speaks, the quiver in her voice. The desperation in her eyes when she begs me for answers that I just can't give. The trembling hands on my face while she pleas and begs and the tears begin to flow from our tired eyes. I just can't. I won't change my mind- it's not a change for the sake of my own soul; it's a change for you, to please you, and it's a change I can't make sincerely. A lie. You deserve better than a lie. You're an angel... Only a devil would lie to an angel.

It's been a long week. Another long week in the pile. Moonfeathers and Malli invited me over. They're an odd couple of birds, for sure. Entertaining, though, to say the least. I think Moonfeathers loaned Malli some clothes. They're very close, it seems. They seem to be in high spirits, and it's contagious. A band-aid for now, at best. Malli's quite the cute one; she seems so innocent. Moonfeathers is a flirt, to put it lightly. Far from harmless.

Volare and I managed to get along. We seem to be on a neutral plane for now, at least.

I can't really bring myself to write much more tonight. I wanted to write more about Priestess Alirei, but the whole situation just makes my guts turn. I should never have spoken to her. Never reached out to her to learn His word. Never should've shown interest, never should've told her how I really felt. Never should've let her in.

Now she's along for the ride, I suppose.

 

My mind is heavy. My legs are heavy, arms are heavy. The universe is spinning so fast and it seems like I'm struggling to keep up. I think I deserve it sometimes, the sleepless nights. The disturbed feeling in my chest and the buzz in the back of my brain that constantly reminds me 'you did that wrong. You hurt that person, and it's your fault.' I think I deserve it, because if there wasn't some sort of consequence, how would I know to do better the next time?

I found out what Malli does in her spare time. It was a huge disappointment... I wanted her to be innocent. I wanted her to just be a sweet woman I could take care of and be kind to. But she's just another Moonfeathers. Flirty, promiscuous, and... Volare has no idea. I think they're dating, but I'm unsure. It's not my place to tell him what I know. I know it would break his heart and disgust him. But letting it go on is only gonna hurt him in the long run. Maybe I can convince her to tell him.

Faith. It's another thing I've been struggling with lately. It's impossible for me to read words on a page and believe in a force heretofore unseen. It's impossible to listen to another man tell me that His word is undeniable and not have doubts. But to feel something for yourself- for the first time in twenty years, mind- is an experience. Ernal was hurt badly, and I lost control, nearly killing the man that hurt him. If not for a meddler, I may very well have. Anyhoot... the attacker was detained and exiled. Ernal, however, was placed in intensive care in the Mud clinic... I was scared. Alone. Yuuto was treating him, but there was nobody I felt like I could talk to, nobody to confide my fear in. So I did something I hadn't done in two decades. I got down on a knee and I prayed. I prayed for the strength to protect my people, prayed for the safe passage of my loved ones. Ernal, Volare. The Rabbits, the Mud-dwellers. I prayed for forgiveness.

And it was the most serene, empowering feeling I've had in a long, long time. Like I was filled with an alien vigor. Like I could weather the storm and make it all right. So I stood, on conclusion, and I was the best friend to Ernal that he could possibly ask for in his time of need. I was there for him when he woke in agony. I took care of him, became his guardian for the time it would take for him to heal. He lives with me now... I feel like he's safer that way.

Various other similar attacks have been happening all across Mud's visitor district. A rival PMC, named Dark-Lake, sent operatives to Mud to assault the novakid Star's mine. I don't know what they wanted, but they were geared in full kit. They were detained and later released, though exiled from Mud. There were no deaths. Several were injured and required treatment, but it wasn't anything serious. Volare and Ernal were attacked by a ghoulish banshee of a man. Though we used nonlethal tactics, the assailant was killed. If he were even alive in the first place... his head was rotten through; it's a mystery how he even had sentience. A guard was killed. Shot in the back of the head point blank. I hope if I'm killed in the line of duty, it can be quick as it was for Gof. I can't imagine the heartache of staring up at a sobbing Ernal, or Volare, or Karo, or any of my best friends while they watch the life drain out of my eyes, unable to speak or beg for forgiveness.

On the topic of forgiveness and despair... For the first time the other night, I seriously contemplated suicide. I wanted to jump from the balcony. It was an impulsive thought. Something selfish. It might set at ease a few minds if I made it look like an attempt at 'Ascension.' But in all honesty... I'm not faithful. Or, I wasn't. I don't know, now. I want to believe. I want to believe there's more than this fleshy hellish prison.

I spoke with Skarti. I wanted someone to help me, to guide me. It seems like it won't be him. He wouldn't hardly speak with me at length, though he did give me some good information. There are no temples or shrines nearby, unfortunately. He doesn't host 'sermons,' like I was hoping, but he does perform 'ceremonies.' That isn't very useful in guiding me back to the flock, but, at least I have some insight on what he does, now. Something was troubling him. I offered myself up to listen to his thoughts, but he stormed off... I don't know him well enough to infer why. If Skarti refuses to help guide me back on the right path, that really only leaves her. Priestess Alirei. But I've scared her away from Mud. I've written at length my self-disgust and self-loathing for upsetting such an altruistic angel. It's not the time to revisit it. So... I suppose I'll have to find another way. Perhaps the priest on the human refugee camp could help me...? Teff- Tepheetcan? Tephetkan? Teffekann? He's got brown plumage, like mine. Wears robes. Shouldn't be too hard to pick out of a crowd.

Thanks for listening, Journal. I know I can get long-winded with my whining, so I appreciate your unwavering patience.

 

Things are going well, since my last entry. There of course has been the typical chaos, but it's become easier to deal with since I've gotten used to it. I'd like to think that's a bad thing. I keep thinking about what the men and women I grew up with back home would think if they could see me now. In the course of just a few months, I've changed so drastically; would they even recognize me?

We learned who attacked Alirei a few weeks ago, and we brought them to justice. As it turns out, it was Crown, Xochina's 'husband.' I had been suspicious of him since Ernal told me about the noises above his home. The final piece of evidence we needed to act was Xochina herself. she came to the tavern to drink herself into a stupor, but I intercepted her and she pulled me aside. The pitiful thing was clearly distressed. With good reason. When we were in private, she raised her shirt to reveal something that nearly made me vomit... Crown had carved into her flesh with a blade, or perhaps a spike. He was branding her, marking her body as his property... Her feathers were missing in several places, no doubt ripped from her body. Xochina is such a sweet, timid woman. She didn't deserve this. As she was coming clean to convict Crown, Alirei stepped into our private conversation- which, in all honesty is my fault for choosing Skarti's classroom as a quiet place. She had every right to be there. When she realized what was going on, she began to act strange. When Xochina tried to talk to her, all I could do was listen. Xochina knew it was Crown that assaulted the priestess. And so did she. At first I was puzzled as to why she wouldn't simply come forward to the guard. But what she said next blew my mind. I was not expecting the words that came out of her beak.

'I'm sorry, but I have to tell him what I've seen here.'

No way in icy hell did she say that. Knowing that Crown beats, mutilates, and threatens his nestmate, she would go to him to tell about our plans to arrest him? Why? Why? For a long time, she didn't answer. Xochina, understandably anxious and terrified out of her mind, ran from the room before I could stop her. I knew I couldn't keep up in my armor... so I turned instead on Alirei. I yelled. I lost control, again. I had to know why she would risk the life of someone else. Xochina's life; my life, too. Crown has dirt on her, apparently. Something so terrible that it threatens her position in the priesthood. Everything she'd worked for in life. I can understand hesitance. But I cannot tolerate selfishness on such a level as to put one's own reputation before others' lives and safety. And I let her know real quickly. Eventually, she settled for a compromise, reluctantly. If I promised her that Crown wouldn't find out she came forward with any information, she wouldn't tell. I... trusted her. I trusted Alirei and she showed me that she's not that perfect angel that I wanted. That I expected her to be. I guess... projecting my unreal expectations on others just sets me up for disappointment. I understand she's just an avian like me. We all make mistakes. In the end, she did the right thing. But I have a hard time looking at her now. It'll pass, I'm sure. But out here, once something's ruined, it's ruined forever. I'll never think of her the same way again. There's always going to be a speck of doubt, of mistrust. No matter how sweetly she speaks to me.

So, I tried cocaine for the first time. It's a little hypocritical isn't it? Fuck you, it was great. I felt so awake, so alert. At first I couldn't believe it; my brain couldn't even process it. I felt... hot. My pulse was pounding like an underground dance party, everything was interesting, and I just wanted to run. I wanted to move and work and do SOMETHING. Well, I did end up doing something. A bluejay that often hangs around the tavern's bar, Tac, found me in the bathroom running water over my facial plumes. He wanted some help moving furniture. I'd like to say moving the furniture is what took several hours, but it wasn't. When I finally beamed down sometime around midnight, Ernal was already asleep. I felt a little guilty, but he wasn't my nestmate. And we'd had an argument prior to my leaving for the tavern in the first place. Still... even though we were mad at each other, he left me space to get into bed.

He's always been there for me. Always reminding me that he's there to listen. There to talk. He would do anything if I just asked, I think. I've been taking care of him since he was injured. But that was over a week ago, and he can walk and take care of himself just fine. To be completely truthful, I've kept him around because it's wonderful having someone who cares about me to come home to. It's a... a genuinely heart-warming sensation. Like everything outside ceases to matter, and I can just be with him. I keep insisting that I'm not gay, I don't like men. I don't. I don't like men. But I like Ernal. I like Ernal a lot. So... I asked him to be my nestmate. Something he's been waiting and pleading for for a long time. We made it official last night. He gave me his finest plume, and I gave him mine. We held hands on the way home, and we slept together as a couple should.

I've never done this before. Never had a nestmate- I've always been too scared to settle down. My mind has been racing with 'what if's and 'what happens when's. But it's all irrelevant. This is what I want, and it's what he deserves. He has been so patient, so kind, and so loving. Of course we've had our arguments, our disagreements. But there's nobody I trust more than him. Ernal is my best friend, and now, I have an excuse to see him every day.






I'm still not gay though.

 

It's been the better part of a week now, and I'm still with Ernal. The universe hasn't imploded and nobody's died. I'm starting to think that things can really be normal again... aside from the odd bar brawl or strange encounter on the streets. But he's going to shut down the borders, so even that too will cease. I wanted to show Ernal my appreciation for his forgiveness, so I've spent the better part of a day hunting for game to cook us a proper feast. It's been a while since I've been bow-hunting, but I still remember the measurements for my fletchings. The trees here are strong and pliable- it must be the constant rain. Anyway, I haven't had much luck with the recurve bow, but I did find a lot of sweet, tangy fruits- I bet he'd like those in a pie.

Khh. Look at me, I'm fawning like a housewife. What happened to Mr. Big Strong? Ah well. So long as I keep up appearances, nobody will be any wiser. The festival is today, and I'm very excited. Ernal will give his speech, and then perhaps he can show me some of the history of Mud. He says that it'll seem like the planet is burning; I've never experienced anything like that before. Maybe it's a distant nebula flaring up? I don't know. But I would like to take him to my ship during the event to give him a view from space, if it's local. In a way, it would be morbidly romantic, watching your planet burn from afar with the one you love.

Still, I've got this strange feeling in my guts. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's been too quiet lately. Too peaceful. A while back when the ghoul attacked Volare, that felt normal. Bar fights, those feel normal. But none of it has happened lately. It's like the silence of crickets when a predator is near. Maybe I'm just paranoid because I'm still sitting out here in the forest, all alone while I wait for a lamnar to graze nearby. It's just this sense of anxiety I can't get rid of.

 

Hey. Today I can finally sit up in bed... It's been a rough two weeks. I really think I was on a feather's breadth of death. A high fever just crushed me out of nowhere, and I have no idea why... But I'm slowly getting better, and I'm thankful. I'm especially thankful for my sister and for Ernal. And for Xochina and everyone else who's come to visit. Even... Noa came to see me. She says she's on her way back to the Core to find her husband. And her chicks. That girl is too indecisive. Hope things work out for her eventually.

Ernal and I have been together now for... weeks. Honestly, I don't even know what today is. My phone died earlier and I haven't been able to get out of bed to charge it... In fact, the only time I can force myself up is to bathe, use the restroom, or the one time I was able to eat at the table with Ernal. That seemed to really cheer him up. I'm glad. The last thing I want to see is him upset. I don't think I could forgive myself if I croaked tragically in his arms over nothing...

Much like occurs in my feverish nightmares, also a new development. I'm not sure if it's the fever screwing with my brainwaves or... just a morbid fear of losing everything I have... Stability, a loving companion, a job I can be happy with. Tenca stopped by to take care of me for a few days. It's nearly impossible to get hold of her, but when she's needed, she always comes around... I'm so glad to have seen her. We never spend time together anymore these days. I suppose it's my fault...

Xochina stopped by, too. She wanted to express her gratitude. And she did- with a massage. I had to stop her before things got a little too out of hand... I certainly didn't expect anything like *that* kind of massage. She seemed like such a timid creature... Maybe that was just part of her conditioning? Admittedly, whatever those 'aroma therapy' oils were that she rubbed into my neck and chest made me feel... very, very vulnerable, in a sense. But... I couldn't let Ernal down like that. Sorry, Xoch. Maybe later on down the line...

Tenca's gone, again. Dunno where. We didn't even really need to talk about it, I think she could just pick up on her own that I was getting better. We've always been the cerebral kind of siblings, the ones that just *know* what the other is thinking. I know she's off causing trouble elsewhere. At least she has the decency to do it off Mud, where it's not my problem. Keh. I don't think I could really take her down anyway. She always did kick my ass.

Let's hope it never comes down to that.