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Captain's Log; Stardate 2414.XX.YY

Discussion in 'Character Journals' started by Jamie Scarlet, Feb 24, 2015.

  1. Jamie Scarlet

    Jamie Scarlet New Member

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    "If life is movement, they have stopped."

    I find myself in great dismay; unsure of how far my life is going to take me. Even now, the fact that I am creating a Captain's log indicates just how much things have changed, but I feel there should be some sort of physical log of my life, and the life of the former SOL Shipping Company.

    As a child, I had always looked to the stars, hoping to explore them myself. I made model spaceships from the time I was only two years old. I have countless old paintings, drawings, sculptures, even printed models of entire galaxies I created ion my head, star systems down to the terraformation of every planet. I had civilizations clashing and loving, companies battling and agreeing, black wholes destroying and new suns giving birth. Space was always a huge part of my life, but I never thought it would bring me where I am today. For the record, my name is Captain Jamie Maryanne Scarlet. I am twenty-four years old, the youngest Captain of my shipping company. I was born in a small town on Earth known as Timmins, lying in the northern region of the western hemisphere. I lived in a decent household, and often had anything I wanted, although I didn't ask for too much. Maybe a couple of musical instruments and a decent computer to model on, but that was about it.

    When Sol was attacked by the Tentacles, my mother arranged for my immediate transportation away. She sent me to the care of her friend Stephen, who ran a Starship production company; he was probably one of the biggest influences in keeping my passion for space alive. He took me in, and adopted me after the loss of my family. I had only wish they would have arranged for their own escape, but those shuttles only take so many people. I was only seventeen when it all happened.. It still feels like yesterday I was coming home from school, helping my mother cook before starting my work for the day. Then I'd get to sit across from her, beside my dad, and we'd all talk about our days. My dad and I played a lot of music together after dinner, most days. He taught me all I know about it, while my mother kept on me about my art and science skills. She had a unique way of doing things; see, most people say science and art are similar but are too different to coincide. But she taught me to manipulate art and reinvent scientific principals to make them nearly co-dependent. Every night, she would help me create three-dimensional models, then tell me what all the detailed aspects were, and how they correlated with other parts of ships and machines. She taught me all of my programming knowledge, and how to make my own programs and software. From her I was able to teach myself hardware design, and successfully made my first robotic A.I. when I was only 14. I loved them, and I regret not being able to take them with me when I left. But I digress..

    Stephen became my adoptive father, and started signing me up for classes to start my Pilot's training. I didn't get the highest grades, only because they taught differently than my mother used to, but my aptitude skills, reflexes, and self-adaptability were all surpassing everyone in the last grade of training. I got my License after only two years rather than five, after which I received a paid internship to SOL Shipping Company, a transport and cargo ship-port forged in memory of everyone lost in the SOL system when the Tentacles attacked. The CEO, Marilyn Wright, saw how well I was performing on-ground and gave me an actual position as a live engineer on the U.S.S Insignia, where I effectively managed to *apparently* prove myself worthy of the Aide's Chair after a single drop. Even I was a little dumbfounded, but I did manage to single-handedly navigate the ship out of two electric storms and a raid from pirates, which probably explains why. After the CEO heard about that, she finally assigned my own ship to me, the U.S.S. Caustic Ice, a medium-sized transport vessel designed for a small crew with small cargo capabilities. She explained I could easily gain my own Leviathan-Class ship, but that never happened.

    On the topic of my own ship, I lead to my best friend and closest crewmate, Skybringer. Her and I met in Pilot's training, where we studied primary engineering and networking together. We achieved both degrees at the same time, she had only started her training later on in her life than I had, and received her Pilot's license after my own. When I was first assigned to the Insignia, she was already an engineer on the ship, and we reconnected as we got to work together and basically live together all throughout my time there. When I was given the opportunity to choose my lead engineer, I chose her without a second thought, right on the spot. Marilyn immediately made the arrangements, and we were assigned to our first mission, alongside some other classmates of mine, Andrea, Isaac, Mitchel, and Avdeyev, as well as an administrator named Lyra. Andrea piloted a Condor-Class frigate, which required more crew than my simple Kestrel-Class ship. Skybringer and I started our mission out to the Antares Frontier Sector, which is where we are now, and will likely be forced to stay. Skybringer and I have seen almost all there is to see in the sky getting here, as it is a separate quadrant altogether from where SOL Shipping used to be, from Pirates to black holes, quasars, nebulae, and entire constellation alignments. She's always seemed to share an aptitude and love for space like me, which I feel has definitely brought us closer together as time has gone on.

    Now that the story behind all of this is out of the way, I feel it's time to catch up. Recently, SOL Shipping Company and the colony surrounding it was destroyed by a large group of Pirates likely searching for the Company's flagship, carrying uncanny amounts of precious cargo. Of course, the colony would never go down without a fight, but my guess is those Pirates were a little too hellbent on their goal. Using a plasma weapon unlike anything I've ever heard of, they managed to create a ripple strong enough to implode the shipping company and forge a black hole within the colony, usurping everything inside before anyone had a chance to escape. The only remaining survivors are those who were out on private missions or were off-colony yesterday, including myself and Andrea's crew. Everyone else, however, is gone..

    When Skybringer and I made our way into this Sector, we had not expected the atmosphere we received. Coming from an economy driven shipping colony, we were expecting far more criminals and raiders than we've seen, but everyone here so far has been delightful, and those who weren't exactly sociable didn't start any fights, but rather went off their own way, which is practically unheard of for us. The towns are incredibly beautiful, if not a little underpopulated. We found ourselves at a Cafe damn near the center of the Milky Way Galaxy, with co-ordinates dwindling in the double-digits. The cafe itself lies on a planet mostly covered in freshwater, sitting quaintly on an island. I have yet to meet the owner, but we did manage to run into a single worker, who also happens to be a musician, and an amazing friend, Aegis. When he found out about our situation, he immediately offered to help us out, without needing any information from us, but luckily he had the better judgement to realize we weren't just conning him. I sincerely hope he doesn't put too much trouble into us; and I definitely hope I'll be able to repay him soon enough. Not only with pixels, but I want to make him feel like a friend, rather than just a caregiver by service. Heh, he's the first boy I've even hugged in a few years. It felt.. Warm. Beyond the fact that his dark fluffy feathers retain heat, but inside as well. Skybringer has been great company, but something else sparked when I hugged him, and I'm not sure what. What I am sure of is that I will NOT take his hospitality for granted.

    Skybringer and I have began construction on a new home for ourselves, which we will hopefully be finished with soon enough. The general digging and walling are complete, now all that's left is to furnish it.

    I'm very scared of what the future holds. If things as dark as LITERALLY everything you've ever known being wiped out in a day are possible, I'm not sure I want to know what the next worse thing is.. I miss my friends, I miss my family. I hope we can see Andrea and the others soon enough. I woke up crying after a nightmare of watching them burn, and I don't ever want to experience that again. I don't want ANYONE to experience that, in a subconscious state or for real.

    I will keep this updated as often daily as possible. Until next time, this is Captain Jamie Maryanne Scarlet, signing off.

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  2. Jamie Scarlet

    Jamie Scarlet New Member

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    Captain's log, Stardate 2414.XX.YY +1

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    "In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again."

    I've found things much easier to deal with than I had expected, mostly with thanks to the Ebony avian Aegis whom I mentioned previously. I had a horrible sleep my first night, but my second night, with his support, remained calm and resolute, save for a very private conversation I will only keep in my private notes. I find things in the universe feeling much warmer, regardless of how much time I've spent on frozen planets.

    Skybringer and I enjoyed our first decent meal in a long time, as well. Turns out the hand that feeds metaphorically can feed literally as well. It turns out Aegis can cook, very well. He took us in last night and fed us a warm meal, after I explained to him that we were constructing our own home on another planet, and the rest of our situation. We had a couple of long talks this evening, and I find myself growing closer to him with every word. I'm actually frightened at how my emotions will play out, because it seems I can't describe how I feel around him. He's been such a wonderful friend and such a hero over such a short amount of time, I simply hope my heart can handle it, if I'm setting myself up for heartbreak..

    I've only had one experience of love, and it was not in the same sense. There was a cat in my home on earth. I named her Vriskers, after a character in a story I used to love. She would always be in my room, never breaking anything or dismantling or getting excited, but she was just there, on my bed when I slept, sitting beside my desk when I worked. She even walked around when my father and I used to play music together. When ever I was having a rough day, she seemed to know it, and always nuzzled up beside me while I read to calm myself down. When I was happy or excited, she would always prance about and trot along with me. When I was forced to leave, I barely had a chance to say goodbye to her. She disappeared almost as soon as I heard I would be leaving, and I didn't see her until the crewmen showed up to collect me. Her eyes were so full, yet so.. Depressed. Her and I both knew that that was our goodbye. I only don't say more about her because it still pains my heart to think about her. I feel so incredibly broken and hollow every time I think of leaving her behind.. And I never want to experience that again. That is what worries me; beyond the loss of my family and the station, there are isolated members of my life I don't think I could bear to live without. Skybringer, Andrea, Aegis.. Without them I have nothing left in this universe to fight for, other than my own subconscious. Aegis asked me to promise him I wouldn't die. I've never made that promise with anyone before, simply because I felt I may not make it, and I don't like lying to people. But with Aegis.. I promised right away. Which brings me back on the topic of love: I believe that's what I'm experiencing, and it hurts. I only wish I made him promise the same. I only hope he doesn't have to..

    The home Skybringer and I have forged is coming along well. We only need to furnish the place, and then we'll be set up and set. I've started a shipping federation first of all as a source of income, but also in memory of SOL and everyone lost in the attacks. I still miss my friends and my parents, and Vriskers.. I only hope that I'll be able to make them proud.. Aegis lives to help people; I'm hoping I can do the same.

    Captain Jamie Scarlet, signing off.

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  3. Jamie Scarlet

    Jamie Scarlet New Member

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    Captain's log, Stardate 2414.XX.YY +4
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    "She told me Fear was the heart of love, so I never went back."

    I am fearful for my life, not physically, but emotionally. The days recently passed have been.. Eventful.

    I don't much feel like talking. I don't feel much like doing anything. I feel so.. Fragmented. Like my mind is shattered pieces of glass someone is hopelessly trying to piece back together. I'm caught between logic, and feelings. I admitted how I felt to Aegis, after a long discussion. He seemed very open, but I do not know if he holds feelings for me or if he's accustomed to things humans romanticize. I am hopeful for the former, but at the rate my life has gone, I would not be surprised if it were the latter.

    I don't think I would mind it though. He has been a great friend, and I would love to keep things that way, if love is simply something he holds no interest in towards me. I guess that should feel.. Hollow, or.. Something. How it did before I told him. But really, I am happy just to have him in my life, and I want to support him as much as he supported me.

    Aegis has held a.. Dark past. He's suffered at least as much as I have, and he describes the amount of pain I felt in my nightmare about his death.

    Honestly, I don't remember why I wanted to start recording these things. Every time I record one, I feel so.. Empty. I know what memories lie on the other tapes, and they pierce at me like arrows, they burn my mind and my thoughts and I can't escape them. Maybe someday I'll die, and some angsty teenager will feel they can connect to me through my suffering, just because some kid called them stupid or their 'daddy' won't get them a specific colour of a specific car. Hmph. To think how shitty humanity can be, to the point I can't even appreciate everything I have.

    Space feels empty, something it never felt to me before. I don't know if it's because of Aegis, and my lack of closure. Maybe someday soon I'll ask him to elaborate his feelings. Until then, I guess I have to hope I stop feeling this way.

    *Sigh.* Captain Jamie Scarlet, signing off.

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  4. Jamie Scarlet

    Jamie Scarlet New Member

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    Captain's log, Stardate 2414.XX.YY +???
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    "Who'd think you could get lost in a labyrinth you yourself made?"

    I find myself more and more fractured between thoughts, in a trance caught between my dreams and reality. I'm never sure what to do or say anymore. The worst part of it all, is that I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing. So much has happened since I arrived here, I have to keep re-listening to these logs just to remember, but I still haven't even gotten everything down. Maybe because I didn't want to. My memory is so.. Jattered. There are very few things I find i can focus on, but most of it seems to lead me into the darker edges of my thoughts, the blades of my woe slicing and carving at me like nothing I've ever imagined. And I'm enjoying it.

    Whether that makes me a sadist or not is another matter. Because most of my thoughts relay towards a single Avian, the ebony-winged 'knight in feathered armour', Aegis Ebonwing. Hm. Fitting last name, now that I think about it. It's been over a week since I found out about the attack, and I guess the only real reason I've been so stable is because of him. He was there for me, distracted me with the aurora of the planet he resides on, welcomed me into his home and sheltered me. He taught me what it meant to be in love. God forbid anyone ever actually listen to these tapes besides me, I'm a wreck. For so long I was able to play the stoic card, act all high and mighty like I knew exactly where in the universe everything I wanted was, and there would be no stopping me from getting there. Never once have I been so terrifyingly wrong. It's a strange feeling, having a new emotion develop inside you. You panic, and lose sight of how to treat things. Your mind plays tricks on you, and other emotions start enveloping over what you were so scared of, and it takes time before it emerges again, and you realize exactly that it was, in fact, love, all along. And you don't want anything else. All it took in a day was for me to see him smirk, and I was golden for the rest of the day (although I may not have showed it.) if not longer. Now it's gotten so bad that all I have to do is think of him (which comes by far too often) and I get all giddy and rosey-cheeked. It's honestly quite pathetic, being this attached to someone. Although I'll still admit, it's pretty amazing, this feeling. Like.. Floating. Not in space, but in water. You're engulfed, and it's a struggle to move, but you just love the feel of all the water around you, it flows so perfectly, it's like it harmonizes somewhere inside of you and you just never want to so much as surface for air. 'Drowning in love,' as the old expression goes.. Heh.. Who'd have guessed it was so real.

    I've been seeing him a lot more. Convenient run-ins. I actually consciously thanked myself I wasn't a crazy stalker who always tried to know his whereabouts and follow him. We tend to steer near the same places, and I'm not complaining. The other day I ran into him drunk after a single glass. Amazing how low an Avian's tolerance to alcohol is. Hmph. Not that I can say any better about myself.. I've chosen a path of avoiding alcohol at all costs. I'd probably pass out from a rum and coke, and this point. When I saw him, he was practically in the same state. Worst part is, he was sitting for a while after drinking, so the alcohol didn't even have the space or flexibility to move around. He came to say hi, lasted about fifteen seconds before practically falling onto the wall. I was a bit worried, I'll be honest, but it was.. Cute. He let me help him get home, poor thing probably couldn't have hit his own teleport at that point. I got him to his room.

    That's where I panicked.
    That's where a part of me I hoped I lived down finally emerged again, and nearly cost me a friend.

    Aegis wanted me to lay next to him. I don't know what the alcohol was making him think, but I assured myself I wouldn't let either of us do anything rash until he was sober, so I agreed, and I lay next to him. We simply talked for a while, just random nonsense. He wanted me to 'distract' him. Luckily I'm a little bit smarter than to let the red flag go right passed me head, so I insisted we talked. And things were fine. Then he asked me to manage the cafe with him. I can't sit alone in a room with three people for longer than a couple of hours without throwing up. How the hell could I run a cafe? Especially with how anxious I always was around him? It would have killed me. Before the panic attack could come, I quickly dismissed it with some bullcrap story about my feelings for him, which I mean.. There was truth behind what I said but I didn't want to say everything to him. And it got worse. And I started explaining things in a way that made him think I thought no one cared, including him. When obviously that's not true, and I don't even have second thoughts about it. But I AM constantly afraid that people will leave when they know the truth about me, that crowds make me woozy, that certain foods trigger some messed up reaction in my mind that make me want to scream for no apparent reason. How could he understand it? It's been a human condition that's lasted hundreds of years, yes, but I don't think any other race has had it, and even then, only some humans suffer from it as much as I do. That fear builds up and just makes the disorder worse. But he can't understand that, no one can. So I can't explain it. It's like describing a taste to someone with damaged sinuses. You can't. I panicked and I almost got Aegis angry at me for it. Luckily, he was empathetic afterwards, when I apologized and tried to explain but.. I was petrified I may have fucked up so badly right then and there.. I don't know what would have happened.

    And Aegis, if by some unknown force you end up hearing these logs, I only hope you can understand why I have to be so afraid. I can't control it. You told me to be strong, and I'm trying to be, but I hope you know that whenever I fall, it's not to spite you.. It's never to spite anything.. I try so hard to keep myself up, but sometimes the anchor's too heavy for the boat. And I hope you'll still be there to help me float..

    I'm losing track of time. Guess i've got to cut this one off.
    With love from social anxiety and post-traumatic stress, this is Captain Jamie Maryanne Scarlet, signing off.


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  5. Jamie Scarlet

    Jamie Scarlet New Member

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    Captain's log, Stardate UNKNOWN
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    "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

    I find it funny, the fact that I can feel this happy after all that's happened. I almost resent myself for it, but there isn't much I can do. I'm not going to spend too much time on this, simply because I don't know I can think everything I'm saying through well enough to structure a proper log. All I can think about now is how happy I am.

    I'm not sure what the story with that doctor was. Or the Avian woman we were supposed to hire. Or really anything else for that matter. Everything in my life that didn't have to do with Aegis before just kind of.. Whisped away. I feel so light, so let up from all of the burdens I was forced to cry through before. Whether that be just my feelings for Aegis or the fact that I finally feel like a real woman, I can honestly say I've never been happier. And it's scary, I'll admit it, but I like it.

    I don't know what's going to happen to me, or really anyone, or anything. I'm too ecstatic right now to even think about what I'm saying. Hopefully my next log will be a little bit more than me gushing but.. Love is just such a wondrous thing. It brings you your worst pains and your greatest joys altogether. There's so much passion expressed emotionally, mentally, physically.. I can barely even try to understand it. Not that I mind.

    I feel too light-headed and feathery. I'm going to call it a night. Emotions, among other things.. Are exhausting.

    Captain Jamie Scarlet, signing off.

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  6. Jamie Scarlet

    Jamie Scarlet New Member

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    //*This log is available for public access throughout the Antares Frontier and what remains of the SOL Sector. If you are going to respond to it, I ask it be in another thread or replied directly to me, for organizational purposes. Thank you, and do with this what you may ICly or OOCly.

    Captain's log, Stardate UNKNOWN
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    "I have finally come to understand your role, your place in the universe and how you came to be here. The eons of human evolution, invention, aspiration...and war. Always war. The oldest, most enduring of human practices."

    It is a great irony that the nature of war always reveals the true nature of those who fight. And from their earliest days humanity began to fight. War after war. It swarmed over the Earth and there was no ending in sight. In the midst of the desire to shed blood, we accidentally stumbled upon the seeds of our salvation. A great hope. But we found something else, as well; the seeds of our destruction.

    There were many sacrifices. Humankind was mired in horrific conflict, meaningless bloodshed, leaving the great Earth eternally scarred.

    But finally, we looked up from the blood and from the dirt and from the dying to the stars. We had not given up on the idea of reaching out, yearning, seeking a new horizon. And finding a new space to grow and prosper. For the first time, all of humankind was united in a shared vision. A common goal. We realized that this once-great planet was too small for us. There were too many souls and too little a world.


    So we sought other worlds. Worlds where we could escape our addiction to destruction. But the worlds we found were never enough. Never enough to satisfy the age-old instincts. Speed and distance did nothing to separate us from our nature. Old resentments, ancient squabbles re-emerged. History began its terrible repetition and once again, man fought man. Like a virus, war was always lurking inside us, no matter how hard we tried to suppress it. It just fought harder to get out. It always got out.

    Humankind had always looked to the stars, to the heavens, for answers. Sometimes, we didn't like what we found there. And while the galaxy revealed few answers, it was more than willing to confront us with new questions.

    I find it amazing that our species is not the only one riddled by this age-old sickness. Violence and hatred are emotions shared with every race I've ever come in contact with, and I doubt peace will ever be a viable option. And more than anything, it always seems to be over the same issue. Belief.

    Life, in itself, brings a great deal of questions. Questions that we are never supposed to know the answers to until we've developed enough to stumble upon them. Questions like wondering if we were all that was out there. Clearly not. Hundreds of species inhabiting thousands of planets, all with an ancestral-rooted desire for war.

    The Avians are a prime example of this. While I don't know everything about them, I know that many of them seem to turn to a deic individual known as Kluex, similar to what a believe was an ancient Prophet of Earth known as Jesus Christ, or God himself. The Avians single-handedly divided themselves, without ever putting thought to the strain on its own 'humanity.' The Stargazers, a series of Priests and Prophets, all claim to be 'Readers of the Feathers.' They speak the will of Kluex to the Avian peoples, and essentially, control an entire race of people. Much like the Catholic religion formerly on Earth, before its eventual and fortunate dismissal by the mass population. While I am not certain these Stargazers are going about things the same way, I am fearful that it may be another corruption scandal taken far too out-of-hand.

    These Stargazers divided the Avians into two groups; the followers, and the heretics. They call them the Flightless, and the Grounded. The flightless follow the word of the Stargazers, living in the belief that living a life valuable to Kluex will provide them wings to fly into Aether, an Avian paradise. It really is amazing how closely it resembles old Earth culture.

    But of course, as you resemble Earth's culture, you also take with you the depths of our humanity; our faults, and our downfalls. There are a great deal of Avians who fail to believe in this religion. They outright denounce this deity, this demigod known as Kluex. For standing out, and believing something else, they are exiled, and claimed the 'Grounded.' Almost a derogatory term for an avian-species being 'forced' never to fly. As time went on, more people worshipped, and more people divided out into exile and shame, cast away from their own homeworld. This aggression has continued for a time I'm unsure of. The Avians have been around a long time, and religion will always date back to the beginnings of a race's communication.

    Religion is nothing but a cause for blame; something to give people something to be angry about. And of course, much like Earth, as we desperately tried and failed to find peace in time, the Avians continue to turn on each other, to wage war among their own race over a single Avian from the past. My closest friend is fearful for their life, because followers of certain faiths accused, deemed, and blamed my friend for something they had no control over. They cannot face their own friends, because of what a factor religion plays in the lifespan of an Avian now.

    This is the first log I am making public, because this is an issue stemming from the roots of time, and is something only time can fix. Could you not consider, that perhaps someone's way of seeing the universe is what makes them great, rather than what makes them different? Everyone is different. Every worshipper of Kluex will worship a different way, so what difference does it make that someone cannot wrap their head around the idea? There are still religions and deities on Earth, but I just can't bring myself to believe it. Does that make me a horrible person? Does me saving hundreds of lives, sacrificing everything I have loved and known, all in the name of strict humanity, mean nothing because I cannot simply sit there and act thankful to some all-powerful being who's taken everything from me and countless others? I really wish I could pull myself into religion. I might be happier that way, in fact I'm sure I would be. But I just can't, and that's something I can't control.

    To an Avian.. Just consider this: WHAT IF you are wrong? Just consider it. The old Earth religion of Catholicism claimed in ten defining rules, ones to never be broken, that to kill was an undeniable sin, and would cast you out into the fiery depths of an anti-paradise, filled with torture. And what did Catholics, the very people who followed this faith, do? They killed, supposedly in the name of the God that wrote that very rule. If you believe in something, it should be for you. Not a clergy, not your friends, not for enemy's sake, but for you.

    Look at how far all of our races have come. Individuals can reach for the stars our ancestors could only dream about and gleam at from the ground. Isn't that, in itself, a kind of flying? To those of you that believe in Kluex, could the wings you strive for possibly live in the ships that carry you out to the sky, something you could never reach before? Just consider it. Because war never favours, it only takes. And you are causing war.

    Age-old instincts will continue to engulf every race. But it doesn't have to be over something so simple-minded.

    War will never leave us, but only we, as peoples of the Galaxy, can make it more than mindless.

    Try to see the beauty in the galaxy. ALL of the beauty.

    This is captain Jamie Maryanne Scarlet. I lost my parents, my friends, everything I had to the attack on SOL and earth seven years ago. The few friends I did make since then, I've lost most everything. Watched people die, watched others suffer, endure pain, fight. If that is all that this galaxy holds for our peoples, then I don't see how anyone would want a part of it.

    *A gentle sigh is heard through the speaker.* I'm signing off in the hopes at least someone will understand what I've said. I just want someone to realize the truth about belief, and that we don't have to forge hatred in ourselves against those who go against something we were told. We didn't discover it for ourselves, someone read it from a book, and we believed them. Does that not sound a little bit odd? Just consider the possibility.

    Captain Jamie Scarlet, signing off.

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