Bad Joke Thread

Why did the chicken cross the road?













To hide from the butcher that had murdered and sold his family for meat.

 

I used to do these... =~=
Well nevermind. I wasn't at all popular on forum back then (not that I think I am now) so hopefully one made by a more well-known forumite and boosted by another will help the funnies continue rolling.

So here is my joke.

A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe and orders a drink for him and his pet giraffe. The giraffe becomes drunk as toast and lies down on the bar floor. The barman sees the sleeping giraffe and says "What's that lyin' there?"
The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

 

A dwarf mystic escapes from prison. A public safety announcement stated that there is a small medium at large.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

I dont trust atoms, they make up everything.

Id make a joke about planes, but i think it will just go over your head.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel on his crotch. The bar tender asks, "Doesnt that hurt?" The pirate replies, "Aye, its driving me nuts."

 

Hey come on, leave some for the rest of us.

And I'd also make some plane jokes, but I don't have any. Guess I'll have to wing it.

 

My whitelist app.

 

What do you call a criminal who's crimes are talking down to people, running down stairs?

A condescending Con descending.

 

I use to do good jokes like Rick James or other smucks
But then i took a grammar class to my collage,
Now i just find them annoying.

 

Whats the difference between a run down bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean.

 

There once was a young boy from Crewe
Who found an insect in his stew
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
Or wave it about
or the others'll be wanting one too!"

I will continue this thread until it burns.

 

Q: What's green and has wheels?

Spoiler

A: Grass, I lied about the wheels.

 

I'll do the one I did for my profile, Whats the Difference between a Hippo and a Zippo.
Ones heavy and the other is a little Lighter

 

What do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?

Because then they'd be bayguls.

 

Why does Waldo wear a stripped shirt, Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

 

Drug dealers are always the funniest, every time I talk to one they crack me up.

 

The general had three soldiers in one of his squads, who had just come back from fighting in the Falklands. He says this to them.
"Well, boys, you lot didn't do any actual fighting so instead we'll pay you. Name two points on your body and for every inch between those two points you'll recieve two pounds."
He approaches the first soldier.
Soldier 1: "The top of my head to my toes, sir!"
The general measures him.
General: "Good man, seventy inches! That's 140 pounds for you. Now what will you have, son?"
Soldier 2: "When my arms are stretched out, one hand to the other, sir!"
The general measures that.
General: "Even better - seventy-two inches! That's 144 pounds for you to take home. Now how about you, son?"
Soldier 3: "The tip of my dick to my balls, sir!"
General: "That's certainly an odd request... Hang on, where are your balls, soldier?!"
Soldier 3: "They're still in the Falkland Islands, sir!"

 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.






I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

 

An elf and a human walk into a bar...

The dwarf laughs.

 

Hey, baby, you fall from heaven?


Because you look ugly as fuck.