The small, black diary could be found on Jaycee's person, definitely seeming like it has seen better days. The front has a lock that is, well, locked. Scribbled on a ripped white paper on the front is 'D I A R Y'. 5/2/2416 First entry. What a nerdy way to put it. Mom, back home, said I should write in a diary. Funny, I always thought that was dumb, but look what I'm doing now. I guess things change quicker than you think. Anyway, time to spill the beans. I signed up for TQRF and I'm getting shipped off to train in five days, I think it is. I have plans to do my best, but I also have plans to mail some letters to a new friend; Volare. Another bird-friend. Chirp-chirp, am I right? Kind of a cutie. Red plumage, white mask. Sort'a raccoon like. I like him, sort of my first friend away from the Hyotle Swarm system. I've also met another bird-friend. Kahlua Downsilk, I think. Sort of a chocolate candy bar color. I wouldn't call him a finch, but he seriously looks like one. Apparently he's a more laid-back Flightless. It's.. a little strange, since I'm used to extreme Flightless. Reminds me of the ancient group back on Earth that was crushed after a few years. Islamic State of the whatever. That's about it. I'm actually gonna write as I go, so. Today, yet again, I met another person. Ernal. Green bird, Kahlua told me a little about him. Don't know much.. but, you know. When I beamed into Upside today for the millionth time, saw the prettiest sunrise you'd ever want to see. I might just be a nature person, who knows. I can't, for the life of me, finish 'Ten Things I Hate About Florans'. I just don't have the time or something. Made the best grilled cheese as well. Had a hard time swallowing it because of the cheese, should'a brought a pebble or something. Dunno. I'm also a little torn between whether to like Volare or Kahlua more, I'm confused like a twelve-year-old human. Or, I can just not confess to either of them, so that if I die in the Takelas Force, they won't miss me as much. I mean, I'm not depressed enough to commit suicide. Hell no. I'll decide later I guess. Majority vote falls for Volare-- seems just right for me. Kluex, I sound like a Floran stalking its prey. I better stop right there. Anyway, kinda sad I haven't gotten any letters back from my parents. I sure, sure hope that some Flightless didn't nail them to whatever wicked type of cross they have.
The handwriting for this entry is very scribbled, as if written when somebody is really, really tired. It is completely incomprehensible and damp with tears. This part is written clearer, seeming like it was written a few hours later after a nice cup of decaf coffee. 5/3/2416 I finally got a letter back from my parents. Thank the non-existent Kluex. It said something like, 'we're not wanting to leave, we've converted to non-radical Flightless, etc'. I'm a little sad about that. Religion was never a big factor in my family. Anyway, my big day is approaching. TQRF, huzzah. I'm hoping it isn't war-movie tier stuff. That would ruin my life. And my expectations. I've been having to preen every day, Kahlua says 'it's just good hygiene'. It's not good hygiene when you have an amazing sleep and then suddenly, 'ouch, one of my leg feathers needs to be preened, and look at that, it's in *that* spot!'. I'm not vain about it or myself, but it's just really annoying. Very annoying. I told Kahlua about what Ernal thought about him in the TQRF. He said he'll consider it. If he does leave, I got something to fight for. I won't say my parents, because they aren't in any real danger. Or any danger at all for that matter. Oh yeah, me and Kahlua also watched a cop comedy today. Hilarious. The only parts I didn't like were the avian nightclub and all the other sexual bits. Oh, yeah, when they hit the dog and made that witty comment is also terrible. There are also a few parts I didn't like, but, oh well. Life keeps on a'truckin'. I seriously wonder where Omega gets these weapon shipments. They seem like they're purely military. I'm afraid, one of these days, somebody is gonna knock me down and say 'you stole my shit, prepare to die'. But, there's nothing to be afraid of about death. Hey, from what I've heard, he's a nice guy.
This entry is written pretty clear, but somewhat sloppily. Somebody has a habit of writing when they're tired. 5/4/2416 Two days until birthday-day. I'm debating between whether I should tell people I know today or surprise them. I'm thinkin' about a surprise. God, there's something in my bed that constantly messes up my feathers. I'm not letting it go, I'll probably buy a mattress so that I can sleep on the floor. After what Kahlua said yesterday, I wonder if he thinks I'm actually dangerous. I don't know what a joke to him is, and he doesn't know what a joke with me is-- but he has a good idea. Oh yeah, I had the best salad. Sounds boring, I know, but it's a salad. Honestly, I'm feeling a bond growing with me and Kahlua, and I'm still confused. Really confused. I was tempted to go to the planet where my parents are to see them, but then I remembered I'm an Exile. Such a hard way to live when you can't even see your parents and your siblings. I've been hearing pretty suspicious things about this new Gerengo colony-thing. I have yet to check it out for myself, but apparently, it's ran by a Floran. Sheesh. I always seem to beam into Upside at the oddest times. When I showed up, it was a pretty night. Yesterday, it was a beautiful sunrise. I guess nature loves me. This obvious floran keeps advertising Gerengo. Anyway, napped with Kahlua. Ugh, I want to confess to him, but it's just.. you know, too hard for me to do. I think I was invited to Gerengo, some Apex I've never seen before came up to me inquiring about 'work opportunities' on some planet far away from here. Scary stuff. Omega also described it as an acidic hell. Seems like somebody likes the scent of burning flesh. Maybe that's why a Floran runs the place.
The entry is written, actually, it was written when she wasn't tired. 5/5/2416 Ernal, Volare, and I had a small chat last night. I know.. well, almost nothing more about them now. Basically: Ernal is from a planet with the name 'Mud', which I think is self-explanatory. I'm sorry to myself about constantly writing about Kahlua. It's just, he really seems like the one for me. So, he's kind of my fascination now. Every little tidbit I know about him somehow brings us closer together. Maybe it's just the 'Avian fellowship and community' instinct kicking back in. I've been with Humans far too long to know. I honestly think I'm in love. Maybe this is a dream, maybe I was drugged by the Flightless all those years ago, and I'm stuck in a comatose dream. If that's true, then I'm, well, fucked. I miss those days, back when I didn't have to worry about anything. When I was just a simple farmer, living with my aging parents, my brother, and my sister. I'm just gonna stop ranting. It's not doing anything for me, and nobody is gonna read my diary. Not gonna let anyone. I may show people my drawings if they wanna see them, but that's it. I'm never going to that acid hell Gerengo. Especially because it's ran by a Floran. Especially because the security detail is like a max-security prison. So, for my birthday, I'll take some time to visit my parents. Maybe Kahlua will want to come, too. Would be nice for him to get to know my family. A whole family of ring-necked doves. Personally, I think Volare is a cardinal. Really looks like it, but his mask is white, not dark. Hmm. I met a Hylotyl today named Ebi. One of the security workers on Upside. Had a nice chat that lasted, well, a while. I'm hyped up for my birthday, seriously, it'll be the best day I've had in weeks. I'm hoping I'll be able to survive TQRF training. Maybe it's as rigorous as Avian regime training. I met an edgy as fuck Hylotyl. Bitch squared up with me, I think she pulled her knife when I walked away because I didn't want to bitch back and forth with her. Saying I'm a kid, saying I'm weak. Yet, she didn't know I'm a real tough cookie to crack. Next time I see her square up like that, her squishy fish face is gonna meet my friend, the pavement. Retards gotta be retards. I don't get why everyone on Upside is so eager for a damn fight. Volare didn't pick up the phone, so I'm a tad bit concerned. Not enough to go on a witch hunt for him, though. Hope he's alright.
The entry is written crystal clear, however, half-way through, the writing is slightly messy because of the emotion of the moment. The dark circle of a coffee mug stained the side of the paper. 5/6/2416 Birthday day. Hope I get what I wanted, maybe a visit to my family? Who knows. Alright, today, I'm gonna ask Kahlua a question when I see him, and then propose. I mean, he'll probably say no, but what about that tiny 1%? May work! I'm probably doing it too fast, but, you know, awkward timing, especially because of TQRF training. Today is one heck of a day. Nothing to write about. Well, not surprising, especially because it's Upside, and Upside is boring. The upsides of Upside is that conflict is resolved easily and it doesn't happen much. The downsides of Upside is, well, drama. We need something to stop the drama, seriously. So, this Lovepeck Downsilk guy. Pretty.. actually, very weird person. Makes me sick to my stomach, what I hear about him. They are literally a space bachelor. Go around, fuck women, have children, send them to a galaxy that is eleven years for every month here. What the actual fuck? Kluex, I hope I meet him so I can slap a little sense into him. Made it to Mud today. Nice colony, but my talons sunk into the bare ground a little bit. I guess Mud is a little on the muddy side, and it actually doesn't allow weapons. Nice, nice. Seems perfect for me to rest here for the time being. Perfect, my gift from Kahlua was a nice set of pastries and what looks like the first book in the 'Crossed Wings' series. Oh Kluex, it's an Avian romance novel. And I LOVE it. I probably rant about this too much for my own health, but, it does seem like Kahlua is the one for me. When I see him, I instantly feel happy. It's getting to the point where I am more and more tempted to confess. "Confess, confess, confess," my mind says to me every night. Maybe we both feel the same for each other? That's it. I'm telling him. I want him to stay with me. I'd be so much happier that way. My home is small, but it is still a home. It's cramped, but it's still a home. It will always be a home. It will always be my home. Hell, if he accepts, our home. Damnit, damnit, damnit. Rejected once again. Looks like I'll be alone for another four years-- or more. There's a hole in my soul now, Kluex above, what am I doing? Guess I'll be alone for another four years, rejected, sad, once again reaching an unimaginable emotional rock bottom. If I'm unmotivated, I'm unfit for work. I should just live alone on my ship again, like always, change my name again, too ashamed to come out ever again. Hard to imagine having any brighter days any time soon. Maybe I should go to that mindfuck of a galaxy. Plenty of fuel. Nobody knows me there. Nobody will care there. What a terrible birthday, when I thought I wouldn't be alone anymore, I'm dropped. Again. Probably should just sleep this off.
The entry is written as clear as the last one-- which is also crystal clear. 5/7/2416 I'm better now. Guess I suffered from 24-hour teen angst there, yeesh. Anyhow, today's the big day. The day I get shipped out for probably really hard training. Not too worried, I've been prepared for a while. Five PM. The thought of having a below minimal wage pay sickens me, too. We're probably going to be risking our lives way too much. I mean, seriously, I understand that we aren't government funded or anything, but what Rodrick guessed is just way too low of a payment. Whatever. A pixel is a pixel; valuable. Time to begin the long wait for Sarah to pick us up. Well, there's this Avian I wanted to meet before I get shipped out. Like Kahlua, but has a shorter plumage, and has a Floran following them. I'm surprised the Floran hasn't deemed him a tasty meal yet, but, 'not all are savages'. Kluex. I've been saying and writing 'Kluex' a lot lately. Think I'm slowly converting myself to a Stargazer. Odd thing to think about, choosing not to believe something, but you somehow do? I'm confusing myself. Hmm. Maybe converting will improve my life, having someone to pray to, drop all your fears and sad feelings on and be forgiven in the end. Well. It's time. We're leaving for Talekas. Kluex save us. This was worse than Avian training, believe it or not. I'm still sweating, still exhausted, still aching, still out of breath. My personal nightmare was packing heavy. Hell, I didn't even pack much, maybe it's just the material of the pack I used. Whenever I take this shirt off, there's always something wrong with my feathers. Kluex almighty, I hate having to preen *even more* now. Oh well. When I get these feathers back, it'll be alright, hopefully. Off to a slightly happier topic; I'm actually thinking about turning my gaze to the stars, letting my wings open and to just fly. I don't care if my 'friends' don't approve of it. I'm not gonna gut everyone with some random claws, just gonna believe in a savior or multiple saviors; the Sunborn. Not sure how this whole Stargazer/Flightless thing works. Anyhow, this one recruit in our group. Paige Hailey, keeps getting us screwed over. If she keeps up; we're all dead. Maybe not. I think Sarah kicked her out, Kluex save her. The armor we are assigned is bipolar in a way. One second, it fits perfectly. Another second, it feels extremely uncomfortable. I like it, though. Sarah says it's a Mark Two or Three set. Combat training was today. I got my ass kicked by Kahlua during pugil sticks. Ugh, some stranger said that I'm good. I'm absolutely *not* good. Brit may make me good, but I'll probably instantly forget it. Firearms are my forte, not stabbing and swinging and all that jazz. I hate it when people say 'ooooh you'll get better don't worry~'. I hate being made a victim of something I'm not good at, just because I can swing and not hit something doesn't mean I'm a fucking baby. I'm not accepting help from Kahlua, either. I can improve myself. Don't need help from someone I barely know, the person who was foolish of me to ask if they wanted to be in a relationship. I guess the only thing I can do is sit back and do nothing, get lessons, forget them because I don't get them. Because I don't know CQC like them. Maybe, soon, after this shit show is over with, I can go back to being happy instead of ashamed of being knocked off a fucking platform and being pitied. I'm done ranting about that. It's stupid, flat out stupid. Okay, medical training. Fine with me. Boring needles, boring chemicals. Yawn. I drifted away half-way through, stuck in my own world of imagination. From what I know, the Sergeant just talked and talked and talked. Kluex, give me a break. It'd be better if the stuff was hands-on instead of a monotone explanation of literally everything there is to go over. Blah blah blah, ABCDE's of medicine. NOBODY CARES WHEN YOU DO NOTHING BUT EXPLAIN IT! The boring crew. Left to right: LT. Sarah McKinley, Me, Mick, Kahlua, SGT. Brit, and the stranger. I guess that's life as a drill sergeant. When you have no more voice, use your voice to absolutely bore your trainees. Whatever. Forgive and forget, am I right? My fiber pills are nearly out. The Sergeant decided to fetch his vegetarian MRE for me. Nice guy, but I prefer to keep him as my sergeant and instructor, not my bud. Helped Kahlua out with his stabilization issues, it helped him.. just a little bit. It didn't do much, but it still counts! I need to sleep. Today was one heck of a day.
The entry is written sloppily, most likely from the muscle problems after Talekas QRF training, but still readable. 5/8/2416 Kluex, still aching all over. The training for the past few days has totally killed me. I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted. Think I'll need a massage when I go back to Mud, if I can. The good part of having survived this training is that I'm effectively prepared for life. But, with what Sarah told us about 'distress signals' a few days ago makes me doubt I'll be ready. What if one is a trap? What if in that trap is a Floran that'll totally want to eat me? Hm. Well, I gotta say, I think Sarah looks pretty hot, for a human. If I was a guy, and didn't go through training with her as my boss, totally would ask her out. Glad I finally got a chance to test out my Kalt, for once. Today is graduation day! Fuck yeah. A merit for our hard work. I'm glad that we get a break and a medal that won't matter on our chests. Gonna be exciting. I think I'll have to shorten this entry; nothing 'cool' or notable happening. I saw this new yellow bird person. The way she dresses makes her look like an absolute slut-- but, hey, I can say the same about me when I wear my clothes from home. Kahlua was chatting with her with that same look he gave me. Soft. Caring. Thoughtful. Kluex, have mercy on me, I don't want to assume he's already planning to be in a relationship with her, but I'm assuming. Makes me wonder; if he immediately falls in love with strangers.. then why should I care about him? He's a stranger to me, and I fell in love with him. I think I should just stop writing about him, because I'm being a big hypocrite about it. I've written all I know about him. At this point, all I want to know. Maybe he's just like what I heard about him from his father. Maybe Sarah was right about him being lazy, just like his father. I don't care anymore, to be honest, my own loneliness is killing me from the inside out. I'll just pray to Kluex that I get better. I'll be honest; I'm depressed. I'm angry at myself, at everyone. I just want this loneliness to end. It's been like this for twenty-two years. Exiled at four, nowhere to go. I'm just gonna wallow in my self-pity, sleep it off later.
Clear, clear, clear. Handwriting is slightly better. 5/9/2416 Distress signal. Not quite in Talekas QRF yet, but I have to handle it. Somebody needs help, and they're getting help. Said they were trapped underground, in a lab, been like it for days. When my ship orbited the planet, it was.. barren. Nothing. Still had a breathable atmosphere, but, there was nothing on-planet. No nature. No animals. The only thing on that planet were just artificial constructs. Glad I brought my gear. The tower they were trapped under was completely wrecked inside-out, watched me through cameras and talked to me through the intercom. Surprised I wasn't absolutely destroyed by the climbing and the dropping I had to do. The tests going on in there were.. well, it made my feathers stand up, made me hate the scientists working here. While going through the facility; I thought of the possibilities. One was to be knocked out and sold as a slave on the black market. Two was to be just killed, straight up, nobody knowing. I hope neither of these happen. Luckily, neither of them happened. Got the guy back safely. What I saw scarred me, though. The shit that happened here.. oh Kluex.. the ghostly screams that echoed through that laboratory, the unrecognizable bodies and body parts everywhere, so much blood... it made me vomit everything out. I had to stop several times to wipe tsunamis of sweat that cascaded off my forehead. The things etched on the walls, 'NO ESCAPE', 'THEY SAID THEY'D COME BACK'. Spoiler: Picture #002 This shit is the stuff that haunts your memories, makes you have nightmares every night, wake up to a wet bed while you're sweating your ass off. Think happy thoughts. Think. Happy. Thoughts. I close my eyes. I see that place FUCKING VIVIDLY. I see it; I see every detail. More than I took in when I was there. I hear the ghosts of the facility mumble in my ears, "Help me." "Leave, before it gets you." "No escape..." "They said they'd come back..". I'm terrified, I'll be terrified for a long time. This will be the first time I actually cry myself to sleep because of pure terror. I hope Kahlua gets that I can't live on my own anymore.
The handwriting for this entry is erratic, but, it is still readable. 5/10/2416 I'm so tired. I kept waking up throughout the night, nightmare after nightmare. First night terror. I opened up the door to what I think is the lab, and what I got was hellish. I was devoured by an ocean of blood, rising a few feet higher when I tried to swim up. Woke up, sitting straight up, arms flailing. My lungs ached, I think I actually held my breath. Second nightmare. I was there again. Opened the same door, screamed at myself not to, and it opened on itself. Mutilated bodies stumbled out, their terrified eyes locked on mine. "Help me..", they all muttered. The last thing I remember of that dream was that, at one point, I was shooting something giant. Third nightmare. Door opens again. I think Kahlua tumbles out, deader than a doornail, rotting. The expression he gave me was pure horror, he reached up to me, and I blacked out. I stayed up after that. I got three out of my eight hours of sleep clocked in. Kluex, have mercy on my soul. I'm not gonna sleep while I'm alone. Need to be with someone who's close to me, and I only know as little as five people. None of them are close to me. Not yet, anyway. I need help.
The page for 5/11 has been ripped out. However, this page's handwriting is somewhat lazy. 5/12/2416 Hello again, universe. Sadly, I slept in most of today. I got a message from my brother-in-law today, says he saw my request for help. Told him I didn't need it anymore, but, he's coming anyway. Hmm. Think he may try and help with that PTSD group I saw on the StarNet earlier. Ugh, I'm already so tired, and I don't know why. Gonna nap.
The writing is pretty okay. 5/13/2416 Today's Friday, yay. None of the weird stuff will stop here, so, that's unfortunate. Hey. Maybe I have that chance to just settle in now. If I have to live alone, then, so be it. It's not that bad of a feeling anymore. I got my best friends with me; my diary and.. oh. I left my coloring book behind, didn't I? Damnit. Well, Mud's gonna tear me apart, 'cuz I can't afford coloring pens and a coloring book. No television, no computers that scramble your games.. huh. I'm not going to Upside, that's for sure. Only going there when Sarah or somebody else in the Response Force calls me over. It's comfortable and drama-free here on Mud. Kluex, I miss my parents so much, but, I guess that's what I get for saying 'no' to a priest's really important question. I remember it crystal clear; "Do you accept Kluex and the Sunborn as your saviors?" But, like the fool I am, I just looked confused and said "No?" From there, I was pretty much exiled. Oh, woe is me, blah blah. I asked Kahlua if he wanted to advance our relationship any, and I got the same answer. "I like you, J." "You're a good friend." "I'm not looking for a relationship." "I'm sorry if that's not the answer you wanted to hear." Kluex, I'm such a fool. He gave me something new this time. Something about how his parents taught him not to receive love from a single person or something like that. Made his whole village happy. Something like that. I've put my talons down with this. I'm not gonna ask him again, because it'll just be the same thing, the same answer. I just can't love him any longer. I haven't been able to look at him the same way ever since the first time I asked him. Now I just want to fade into the darkness. Fuck, man, I'm just a big baby who overreacts to everything. The truth is; I'm obsessed with him. Time for me to let him go, accept the fact that we won't be in a relationship. If only I hadn't said no to that priest, my life would be comfortable. Tomorrow is a better day, it's always a better day. I've just been lying in my bed, trying to rest, but I can't. It weighs heavy on my mind. Why did I waste my pixels on NightShade? So I could take my own life? That's weak of me. I'm strong. Or, at least I'd like to believe I am. I guess I don't want to sleep because there's no more dreams that make me happy. It's all just dreamless sleep. I don't look forward to emptiness. I need help. I need a hero. I'm finally getting back in touch with Volare. He's a guard here on Mud. I remember now. He's a nice, cool dude. Relaxes me when I talk to him again. I wish I could talk to him all the time, you know, relaxed all the time. Kluex. Had a distress signal today, and the person there was a human female. Cute as a button; way her hair was, the way she acted. She was.. really nice for what I assumed was a barbarian. She chucked spears at me, but I got her cornered at a giant drill machine thing. Turned it on, she leaped out of the compost pile with what sounded like a mouse squeak. I'm glad that the USMC jarheads there didn't light either of us up. I got her to beam up to my ship with me. Apparently, Kahlua was screaming orders at me, but I didn't have my helmet on. I wouldn't of listened to them anyway; I saw past that spear and frantic stare. He tried to start a fight with me, but, I didn't fall for the trap. He left for a 'guard meeting on Mud'. I kept the woman with me on the ship, let her nap for a bit. I plan on visiting her tomorrow. Teach her a little Human Common so she can be more capable of communication. I know Kahlua won't approve, but, I don't love him anymore. He's my boss. Then again, rules were made to be broken. I miss the times when nothing mattered, when I could just run through the fields, free, and always be able to come back to the loving embrace of a father or a mother. And so, I go back to sinking into the enveloping and comforting embrace of the night, snoring my troubles away.
The handwriting is sloppy, common mistakes of a tired person marking the page. 5/15/2416 Last night is all I can remember. It was a simple date with my new Avian buddy, Noxoc the Suede. Hung out a little bit. When we got on the ship though, things got heated. To say the least, I think I'm going to be a mother now. It was a heat of the moment thing. We both wanted it, that was obvious. Desire clouded our sense of reason and thought, we just.. did it. When I woke up earlier today, though, I felt a mixture of emotions. Confusion, love, nervousness, anxiety, exhaustion. I'll just have to trust my better judgement as a person to see that I get through this. Another op today. Another op on Upside. This time, it was some killer disease. Poor guy looked like he was soaked in tar. Sarah.. put him down. I feel bad for him, seemed like a nice guy. This god damn frontier will take all of the good people some day. This has been nagging at me all day; Kahlua kissed me today because I helped him out with his little sadness debut (kehe, irony), Noxoc sent me a lewd picture. I'm torn between them, one is genuinely a nice guy, and the other is seriously in a lusty 'love' with me. I don't know what to do. Well, I decided to visit the new 'Cathedral of Light'. Neat and very pretty place, but, it's pretty small. Nobody was there when I came, well, least from what I saw. Met a Glitch there, actually. Legionnare Caecillos or something. Confusing name. Well, Kahlua knows about the entire Noxoc deal. Glad he didn't take it like 'gasp you did that???'. I'm gonna get some shut-eye, been tired all week.
Handwriting is nice and readable except for the second paragraph and beyond. 5/16/2416 Kluex, I'm still tired. I'm always tired. Starting to think that this exhaustion has a deeper meaning, like, 'go ahead and leave Talekas QRF'. I'm agreeing with that inner voice, it's never nice to have to deal with some killer disease or wannabe terrorists. I've made a devotion to Ernal that I would live on Mud, and as much as I hate the steady flow of non-Avian outsiders, I still love the place. Nice to feel your talons sink through the cool mud every day, makes me realize that I'm still alive in a vicious frontier. I still got things to live for, I'll be honest with myself. It's not a small thing, either. I wouldn't say love has found me, but, it has. I think Kahlua has warmed up to me. I have to be honest with myself again; I don't know love. Maybe the stuff that has happened lately is getting to me. Whatever. I seriously hope I didn't disturb Kahlua last night, had a pretty bad nightmare. Skipping my meds for the past few days has been good for me, because I'm actually able to manage myself at night now. I've been having good dreams for once, so, this is the first nightmare I've had in a while. Nothing about it was frightening, it was a normal dream, but I felt absolutely terrified throughout it. Kluex. I nearly killed a living being today. Living, breathing. She may have been a psychopath, but she was still human. Her name will always echo through my mind whenever I point a gun at somebody, hear the bullet tear through their flesh and bone like paper. Katherine. And I fucked up by doing that. Mud won't have me anymore. Exiled again. Exiled. Again. It's unbelievable how many times I've fucked up. Exiled from two beautiful homes because my decision making is terrible. Kahlua recommended I get help. Nobody wants to help an Avian who can't control herself, who attempted to murder someone, who broke so many laws. The most that the doctor will say is 'go to rehab'. Fuck, how could this happen to me? One second, life is looking up, then it fucking crashes down on me. Crying it all out hasn't helped me, either. I'm so sorry, mother. I'm so sorry, father. I've failed you both for being a would've been, could've been, should've been, never ever will be. I've failed everyone. Taking a blade to my wrists has never felt so freeing. I don't want to live any more, my only reason to exist has been tossed away. I traveled a very long distance away from Mud. Where nobody can even hope to find me. I pray Death will find me soon, this knife is too dull. An upside to this is that nobody will miss me if I die. Exactly what I want now. To fade into the milky and soothing darkness of the night. Besides, trying to gain access into the Aether isn't possible for someone the likes of me. Whatever. I found myself hoping that someone would call me or find me in the solemness of this lonely planet. I have to remember these co-ordinates. X: 3123207, Y: 3123233, I. Good spot to sit and think in solitude. But I guess I'll be sitting and thinking for the rest of my life. Because, if I know how Ernal treats wastes of genes like me, it's a permanent exile. Guess I'll never get to see Noxoc, Ernal, Volare, Sarah, Kahlua, Brit, and everyone else again. Promise myself, they won't miss me, nobody misses a murderer. Universe will tick on at the same pace it always had, I'm insignificant. Let the fucking cool kids handle everything because anything I can do, they can do infinitely better. Had some delicious cooked tomatoes for dinner. Freshly picked. Fuck my poor life even more, I can't stop crying. Why am I crying so much? I knew what the outcome would be of this shit. I don't miss anyone, but, I weep. I'll never forget what I did and what hell it caused me. Kluex, forgive me.
The handwriting is finally crystal clear. 5/18/2416 I've noticed that I've been both saying and writing 'Kluex' a lot more. I probably wrote about this in the past, but, seriously. If I were to make a chart, the line would be all the way up. Last night was such a mess. First, it's Noxoc and I. Now, I'm assuming, it's Kahlua and I. Then again; it was only one night. A really exhausting one, at that. He asked if he broke me or something, and I felt alright, so I simply said 'no'. If anything, my little houses' hard ass glass might have gotten just that close to hurting me. He knows I do want a child, but, that dream is squashed. This sector is far too vicious for that. The truth hit me like a truck hitting a deer in the headlights, though. It hurts to acknowledge that this sector is so twisted, even though there is the occasional nice person. Maybe when I'm fully accepted on Mud, when I've settled down. Who knows how long that'll be? As the old phrase goes, there's no rest for the weary. Turns out Mud will have me again. My only saving grace is that Ernal sees good in me. If he didn't, he would've proudly said 'you're exiled, get the fuck out of my face'. We agreed that my reconciliation would be to teach natives and outsiders why we don't bring weapons on Mud, which, to be honest, I'm not a good teacher. Oh well. I'll try my best, this is the only place where I can finally close my eyes and feel safe, and I'd do anything for a fucking break and a nice pillow to lie my head on. I'll be up all night deciding when and where to handle my penance, but I'll talk to Ernal about it tomorrow.
The handwriting is similar to 5/18/2416. 5/19/2416 Woke up with a headache. It hurt, but, it's definitely not a migraine. I'm not sure what could cause a headache, but, my guess is that my stress is finally being relieved. I got a week of paid leave off from Talekas QRF, get to be on Mud, huzzah. I also apparently fell asleep on my lesson plan. Welp, turns out everything's fine and dandy. Not. I'm worrying myself to death about Kahlua's health on my first day off. I think the reason why I'm so concerned is that we have something important. Something very valuable. A precious relationship that none of us should let go, because family is very important. Kahlua said we'd be going to a psychiatrist, and I'm honestly wondering who my psychiatrist will be, from what I know, there's a doctor on Upside. Not sure Paige is still in that business, but.. huh. Apparently Noxoc is a criminal. What the fuck? I knew this sector was as corrupt as it seemed, even the nicest fucking people are evil somehow. I'm just waiting for the fucking day Sarah or Ernal stabs me in the god damned back. I should've never come here. I should've stayed on my mountain, never given Kahlua my location, just stay in obscurity, never to come back. I let it all out to someone I think was a priestess and her companion, a little scared of their judgments to come when I explained it to them. Initially, they seemed pretty disappointed that I would only seek repentance for Mud and not the Sunborn and Kluex. Then I dropped another bombshell, explaining that I wanted to become one of the faith, another surprise for them. Priestess Cempazuchitl Songfinder. I'll remember her as the new sun in my time of strife. Thank you, Kluex, for keeping me alive in my times of doubt when I thought it'd all end. Perhaps I'll find my purpose with the guidance of those around me.
Crystal clear handwriting. 5/21/2416 Today, I met two people. One is a daredevil named Ashley, and the other is a Flightless Avian who was attacked by a human. I did some climbing with Ashley, and my arm hurts like hell. Tlihuic was picked up by this human on a refueling mission, and ended up being attacked by him. He's from a little planet where they carve their homes out of stone mountains for protection. Apparently, he was surprised that I came from Avos. We chatted a bit, until I noticed his stomach growling like a freight train. His captors apparently beat him to a pulp, and he was very malnourished. I decided to take care of him. I don't plan on growing too attached to my new friend, because I've experienced first-hand what that's like. I made another mistake today. I got hammered off one drink. The alcohol wasn't even that heavy, I'm just a stinking lightweight. Why? I wanted to be drunk, purposely. Because I wanted to wash down some sorrow that plagues my life eternally. I don't know what it is. I was pretty much nearly out cold, miracle that I managed to tuck myself in. I really am worthless. Kluex save me.
Nothing for 5/22. But, 5/23 does have decent handwriting. (( aaa i'm sorry for not getting these out on the day I write them, either I forget to or shit's goin on )) 5/23/2416 There's something up with me. I think what Sarah told me on the Talekas base was true. I let my mistakes consume me instead of learning from them. Just like that old phrase; old habits die hard. It'll be a while before I learn to not dwell on things. Or I'm right in a sense, misfortune has found me. Probably why I've been so worn out lately. Next topic, dropped a big bombshell on me. I met a god damn porn star today! What the hell, man! Some Rustfeather chick. Her pornos aren't even that good. Still, her story is neat, I guess. Porn star looking to settle down and have a family. I mean, she's pretty and all, but I am NOT touching her down there at all. Not worth the risk of an STD; even if her partners did use condoms. I'd imagine she's also pretty loose. Holy shit, I need to get out of my head with this stuff. Man, I am a sucker for looks. Whatever, next topic. Keh, I'm doing this like some teacher or something. Found out today that Kahlua made a promise to his friend, Quixca, because apparently she made a lucky fucking guess and found out we did it twice. I'll respect the promise, and Kahlua will respect the promise. The wait is worth it. I'm probably not gonna write for tomorrow, this diary isn't clearing my thoughts at all. Only makes them worse.
