((A small diary, shredded by an explosion of some sort, with a large majority of the pages blackened or gone. It's often kept hidden in one of the dressers of Xocho's poster-filled home or kept on Xocho's person.)) 6 - 2 You make me forget myself. Make me think I'm someone good. I destroy everything and assault others, but you make me forget myself, make me think I'm someone good. You gave me a chance, despite the heavy armor; despite the intimidating visage. Everyone else looked at me with contempt and hatred. You gave me a chance and let me pretend I was someone good. I'm sorry I couldn't control myself. I tried. I tried so hard. I still broke things. I broke people. They almost exiled me. I have nowhere else to go and the only place I can go hates me. I'm a wreck, and my life is shot. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Did I do something wrong, or does the great cosmic scheme of things have its eye on me, looking for every chance to make me feel miserable? So many places. So many angry people. Kicked out of so many places, thought I'd find a new life here. In the frontier. But I can't control myself. You keep me hanging on, Jaycee. You keep me hanging on. And I've almost ruined it. I'm sorry. I hate this armor. I hate myself. I hate my lack of control. I hate it all. If I'd the bravery, without you, Jaycee, I would already be dead by my own hand. I came close, yesterday. Couldn't go through. You make me feel like I'm someone else, Jaycee, someone good. Thank you.
I've ruined everything. I'm sorry Jaycee. I'm sorry. In the end, I never could control myself. I was a failure from the start, robbed of my dignity, my sanity, and my body. You tried so hard. I'm sorry. I couldn't have been saved. The odds were against you the entire time. You're a good person. Let nobody else tell you otherwise. You're a good person. I wasn't. I tried so hard. You tried so hard. I'm sorry. I was a destructive mess and I remained a destructive mess. I destroyed everything around me and hurt everybody in the process. I couldn't go through with it before. But I thought I was salvageable back then. I had hope. We both did. I wasn't recoverable. I was no good person. Never was. I deserved what happened to me. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. But I was an awful influence on you. I drained you. I constantly caused problems. Got into trouble. I was never worth it from the start. Every single colony I've gone to, 78 in all, kicked me out for a reason. Just go on with your life. Forget I existed. I wasn't worth anything. Never was.
6-5 I've got a home a home a home a [The writing scrawls off illegibly.] I garden too I've got a job it pays money I use tools that aren't weapons I just trim hedges and farm rice and it's great it's great I get to watch crops grow and I get to keep plants in line and use a hedge trimmer and it's great it's great it's great I can't wait to tell Jaycee I'm finally getting that life she said I was starting to find
6-7 It's raining. Can't keep the motivation to write. Kicked off of Mud. Went to random planet, building a log cabin now. Probably not a great builder. Set up camp, tied a sharp rock to a sturdy stick. I can't be trusted in civilization. I only hurt people.
6-8 Got the foundation done. Packed some dirt together. Dragged some logs into place. Threw four of them into little holes I made for them in the dirt. Don't know how stable it will be.
6-13 Coming along nicely. Not a builder, but cabin is doing okay so far. I miss people. Carved a face onto a log. Named her Jaycee. Sometimes I talk to Jaycee. She provides me company while I build. I don't know what I'd do without her.
6-15 I build. I build. I build. That's all I do now. I grow ever closer to finishing this little cabin. Just a few more days. Then I can move Jaycee in (If she's not too long of a log to fit in) and I can create furniture and I can have that life I've always asked for. No surprises, no rage, no nothing. Nothing but a day to day life of gathering food and talking to Jaycee. I miss civilization, but I can't go back there. What happened ruined me, made me unsuitable for civilized society. And it's about time I've recognized that. Recognized it fully. That I can't invite anybody over. That I can't talk to anyone but Jaycee. Lonely, but it's what I've asked for. So many times. It hurts, but I was the one who requested it.
6-20 I wish I could get drunk. I wish there was something to get drunk on. I've been living off of the landscape, building my little cabin. Jaycee gives me company. Who would've thought that a log would help me push through. You keep me hanging on, Jaycee. Through the lone nights and the rainy days.
