A Small, worn out, nondescript little journal

*The journal, located on her ship, inside a beside table draws would have a few drawings and schematics of various small, explosive devices would populate the first few pages, and the cover is that of an aged, leather bound notebook. Entries are not consistent, nor really marked, the writer (Quixca) uses this as a venting process*

I don`t know why I am writing this down. I guess its because I need to find a place to vent?

Regardless, it has almost, what two weeks now?

In that time, I managed to get shot at, encounter a strange symbiotic creature or even parasite, save a life, and get drunk more then once. None of that compares to the life I left behind. That old earth song, "A Pirates Life for me" applies all to well to me, because I just can not truly leave that past behind me. Sure I managed to eventually leave the actual life behind me after spending the six years I did actually being part of the crew, and the two years of forced labor before that.

That is something I need to leave behind me though, so I fly the ship that I lost my freedom on, it was where I lost it, and where I regained it. It has flaws, like the FTL drive needing to properly cool down before jumping, else risk being stranded somewhere for a while so that it can finish a full cooling cycle.

I have meet many different people here. From a scientist with questionable motives, to a gunslinger Novakid who has a rather large gun. I even met a cybernetic skeleton creation who was manic to say the least. I have meet so many, yet truly begin know only a few.

I decided to sign up for the classes offered, so as to acquire a proof of my skills, in order to open a potential stream of pixels. After signing up, I encountered the one who teaches the courses, he is a bit of a goof, but a genuinely kind soul.


*there would be a visible break as the page in question is not even half used, is left alone, the entries continue after this page, perhaps by the writer to indicate a passage of time*


At first I was hesitant to allow myself to even think of growing fond of him; however, I ended up stuck in the ass end of the sector because I had to go and try to be a big damn hero, with my ship then needing to perform a full power cycle, which takes hours to complete. Kahlua, made an offer to give me a lift back over to Upside while my ship ran the automated power cycle. We decided to grab some food, and I quickly found myself increasingly attracted to him, if not for personality alone, but he has a strange, goofy charm about him, that I cant help but find myself being drawn to.

I worry, I don`t want to attach myself to anyone, for fear my past drives them away. Because, what kind heart-ed, true spirited being, would want to attach themselves to someone who can not seem to truly escape their former life as a pirate. Who could love a nut like me, who will consider blowing up all their problems or running from them, instead of confronting them. Who could do that?

*there would be a page torn out at this point*

 

*A fresh page, the handwriting seems to be a little more hurried, and messy this time, as if it was done while thinking heavily on something*

What drives me? I don`t know any more. I just don`t know.

I have spent years of my life, without a second thought, I robbed, killed, and lost. Friends, and foes alike. Years aboard that ship, the first few were a hellish nightmare that I could not wake up from, but then I was offered a chance, and I took it without hesitation. Quixca "The Blue Fury" Nakao had replaced, Quixca "The humble chef" Nakao in no time. Spears, guns, and explosives soon over took seasonings, garnishes, and entrées. Do I regret the life I lead? I don`t know the answer to that, because I still have one more job it seems.

Will that be what I do? " Just one more job and I`m done? "

How long will that phrase follow me? How long will I allow myself to fall to my own greed and pride? I just. I just don`t know anymore. I came to Council Space, to get away from my previous life, but I find myself drawn to it for some reason. Why? Why do I allow myself to be this way? Is it the money? The craving for adventure? What drives me to do what I do?

Why did I break down like that? Why did I lean in like that? I know I will never be close to him, yet I still sub-consciously chased after him. I saw him today, and he seemed distant, did I cause that? I wish I had not allowed myself to lose to my emotions, I may have lost someone close to me, and forged a rift that will require great work to bridge. I hope... that he does come back though. With everything I don`t know any more, where he is concerned, I am certain is important. I just hope that he is thinking the same thing. Part of me wishes he had left before I lost my grip, but the rest of me is glad he diden`t, because at the end, I felt better.

*At the bottom left hand side of the page would be a dried, discoloration from a tear that escaped during writing, the mark did not effect other pages or letters.*

 

*The hand writing is smooth, and calm, starting near the top of a fresh page*​

I met him again today. We decided to have a little adventure and hopped to a nearby system, even though my ship dropped us in an asteroid field. I managed to force the ship out of FTL before we were in the thick of it so it was not like the last time that happened to me. After getting away from that, we went over to a lush planet.

After seeing an abandoned structure, over grown with vegetation, we started up a steep incline, he had some issues when it started to get intense, but he kept going. We then decided to explore a cave we found up there, it did not go far, though he did decide to joke around when he turned off the light and started moving around in an attempt to scare me. All he managed to do is get me to trip over my own feet when I turned to try to track him.

We climbed up to the top, and went over to a rather large cliff, where we sat and looked out at the sky, the gas giant hovering in the sky, illuminating the night as it reflected the light of the nearby star. We just sat there, and enjoyed the view and eventually moved closer and just sat for another while.

It ended to soon, I felt I could have stayed there forever, but we have responsibilities to attend to. So we had to leave. Should I tell him of my past? I feel that I should, but, I feel that might drive him away. Who could ever love an orphan, who was a captive of pirates, before being turned into pirate herself?

Can someone who has robbed, and murdered ever find a life away from that, or will I never be able to escape it?

Then there is the last job. The last job that may just be one of many last jobs. I need the money, and the job has high potential, and relatively low risk. A well placed bit of plastic, and cause an evacuation, no loss of life, and a ship ripe for the taking then ransoming back to the owners. My work ends with the initial grab, I wont remain for the rest, too risky. I will target the life support systems with a series of controlled blasts, the systems will alert the crew of a critical failure and force them to evacuate the ship. I should have enough materials to make a repairable strike to the engines as well, leaving the main ship dead in the water so to speak, forcing them to use the teleportation systems.

As long as there is not an escort ship, it should be a simple job, though an escort ship is probable. If there is one, I will have to work careful, and fast while the others deal with the escort. If there is loss of life, I will regret this, though I will not back down. This job can set me up for the rest of my life if it goes right. That in mind, if shit hits the fan, I will not hesitate to leave the others involved behind. I will not lose my life for others I don`t even know, especially now, that I have a reason to come back alive outside of self preservation. Someone to see when its all said and done.

Then again, is the risk too great? I do not want to lose him. I have grown fond of his overly confident cheeky smiles, his surprising lust for adventure, and the pride he carries with what he does. I think, I could leave it all behind if he asked me, but alone, I don`t know if I can.

I flew out here for a new chance, a fresh start. Yet, I find myself clinging to my past, while reaching for a future. I can not live like this forever. I can not leave myself to be torn apart. I need to choose but, I can not seem to find it in my ability to do so.

I need to tell him, I don`t know when, or how but I need to tell him of my past. I need to tell him so that I will know, if I am right, and someone like me has no chance at such a life, or if I have a chance, even if the odds are not in my favor.

I need to know.

I just need to know.

 

*The hand writing would be scrawled on the page in a rough, fast hand form. It would be difficult to read at points due to how upset the writer was*

Just as I work up the courage to fill him in on my past, my ship decides to start entering a decaying orbit as the guidance engines started to act up. I had to leave and resolve that, which lead to me being unable to talk to him. I hope he is not upset with me for having to take off on him. My ship only gave me a vague emergency alert, so I had to leave without telling him, because I did not even know at the time.

I just need to know, if what I feel is worth it, if I, a former pirate and crazy explosives expert, could ever find a chance at happiness. Can someone like me, someone who has blood stained hands, and an ever looming past, ever find a future with someone like him? Can I?

Do I even deserve a chance? Am I worthy of such a life? A life, where I get to have the chance? I guess, I will just have to find out when next I meet with him, and as long as my ship does not threaten to smash into a planet again, I will be able to tell him.




*Large gap in text and the text is slightly more legible then the previous set*




On a lighter note, I met someone who might be a source of a great new rice type as well, real out going individual, clearly has not seen the darkness that lurks just below the surface of the universe he lives in. Real positive, kind of put me off kilter with just how outgoing he was. For his sake, I hope he never sees into the abyss that many of us have fallen into. He is a good kid from what I can tell, hope he stays that way.

If he works out a deal with Davel, I will enjoy using the rice, it cooks up a little faster then average rice, and seems to have a savory flavor deeply ingrained into each well, grain. It will add a whole new layer to rice dishes if Davel does take the deal.

 

*The handwriting is at its worst on this page, as it was written while in a state of emotional distress*​

I talked to him, told him of my past. He took it hard, like I expected he would. Now, I will know. Now I will learn if I have a shot. Even if the odds are now ever more against me. How he reacts, will let me know. He has to think about things now. I just hope that this did not create a rift that can not be bridged, and that I lost someone dear to me, by wanting to be honest with him, what I could not bring myself to finish though, was that I can not seem to avoid it, that I still have one last job.

Wonderful, the one who approached me for this job, is none other then his sister, and she intends on using him. What do I do now? I need the money, she claims the job will be easy, no loss of life, no damage to the cargo, little risk to anyone. It would prey on that crazy apex running the place, and his desires to keep upside looking good.

I want to walk away from this... but I can`t... Why can I not walk away? I need someone to lean on for this question, because I can not find the answer myself. Yet, I must find that answer myself. Can I do that?

 

*The hand writing would be toned down, drastically from the previous page, and would be easily legible in the nice, uniform elegance of practiced hand writing*


Upon wax wings, I do fly
to reach heights yet reached.

Upon wax wings, I do fly
to seek adventures, yet explored.

Yet, still

Upon wax wings, I may yet fall
Burdened by my past, held back by my greed.

Upon wax wing, I may yet fall
faltering in my steps, growing to close to the sun.




I am done. I have already wired the money where I needed it, my past debts are covered, and I have set aside the remaining to cover any possible problems. I hope Cin does not take it to hard when I make it clear that I am done. It was one last job, and that is how I will keep it. I want to live a different life. I want to give up my past ways. I know this, because I have a chance still. I will never forget what I have done, and I can never forgive myself for what I did. I operated on the wrong side of the law for years, now I have a chance to leave it behind me for good.

I hope that he can see that as well.

He is not one for my dangerous life, I can see that. I will have to hide my most recent bit from him, because necessity drove me to it. I had to make sure that my past would not catch up, for any reason. I just hope that I can show him that, while I have a dark past, and even a slightly dangerous recent event, I am leaving it behind. I am willing to leave it behind, and I know I can, if I have someone to guide me along that path. Left on my own, I might stray again, falter again. Be tempted by greed, and a craving for the thrill of the whole thing, but if I have a reason, a good, solid anchor to hold myself to, I can hold my place, resist the current of temptation and the storm of greed and spiral of violence.

Could my past catch up? While I doubt it, there is always that risk, but that is why I took all the precautions to prevent that, from paying my final debts off, to complex money routing to hide sources, even the numbers that I gave Cin was just a step in that.

Speaking of Cin, I now understand why she is so carefree about it. She has yet to take a life. She has yet to feel the guilt of death, to bare the burden of bloodied hands with her. I tried to get her to get out now, before she gets that, or worse yet, lose her own life. She has yet to feel the pain, of losing a friend fading in your arms, from a bullet you could have prevented by acting without hesitation. She has yet to begin to carry the voices of those whose lives were lost as a result of your own choises. Its something I can not leave behind with my past,and its not something I want to forget either.

When I learned she was his sister, I almost did not go along with it, however, I had to make sure that she did not get herself killed. I do not know what he would think of me, for getting roped into my past ways one last time by his sister, and going along with it knowing that she is his sister. But I did it in the end, for a complex reasoning. I needed to make sure my past would not have a reason to catch up with me, and I wanted to prevent someone I care about losing a family member to the dangers of the life they haphazardly throw themselves at.

I have a heading now. I am certain that given the winds to my wings, I can take up my waxen wings to fly to a bright future, and with the proper guide, I am sure I can fly without going to high, and burning up, or flying to low, and being trapped and weighed down by my vices.

I need a good influence, and he is someone who would be that, I just hope my honesty about my past, did not drive him away forever.

 

*she would write, the letters are crisp, and the page is free of any markings.*

It has been a while since I last wrote in this, reading it over, it looks like I was being very moody. This will be, possibly, one of the few entries, that does not have me babbling on about how terrible life is, rather, today, I write about days to come, and only glance to the days behind.

I have been though a lot, from being taken at gun point to find that the one doing the taking, was actually Cal, an old crew mate. He recently told me, that everyone back there, in the place I came from. They are gone. Forever. Now he is drifting around here, ran into him on mud, and he wanted to act like nothing ever changed. When I got on that crew, we were all soon thick as the thieves we were, we were a family as much as a crew. I will miss them, but Cal is the last one I wanted to see again, well, at least, that's what I think it is what is going on. I hate him, for what he did a while back, but the details are unimportant. He does not really care, either way. He says he is a nice guy, but really, he just exists. He always has, never will he be more then that. I saw him as a friend, and that will never fully change, but we will never be close, never will I find the urge to go out on daring adventures with Cal, especially when I am turning everything around in my life. I refuse to throw it all away now. I refuse to fall to the past. I have too much to strive for, too much to lose.

Now, I have a heading, and I shall fly to my destination, enjoying the journey, and those I take it with. Speaking of those I take it with, I just can not stop worrying about that chocolate colored, and sweets craving bird who has charmed his way right on into my life. He has joined up with a local armed forces group, the TQRF if I heard that right, might be wrong though. He has been stressed, and worried. He is always busy. I just, would hate if something happened to him. He drives me crazy, in his ever selfless nature. Then again, what have I done, but start to crave that same feeling. I wonder if anyone will take on a crazy blue bird, capable of EOD, and specialized demolition skills. I hope my past does not get flagged if I go to try, I guess I could say it was a manipulation, that we were part of a resistance movement, there were many in that sector, I mean, the ones I ran with were even killed by one of them, so I might be able to work around things that way.

I just hope, that going forward, I can improve everything about myself, and with that in mind, if I took on a role like that, could I risk so much? Before, I would not have even wondered, but, since then, I have been shot at, kidnapped, fallen in love, been robbed, held hostage, and much more. I have changed. I used to run headlong into danger, now? Now I want to avoid it, but, when I do, I feel like I am terrible, that I could be more, that I am worth more, that I can be better.

 

*Hand writing, seems a bit sloppy today, as the writer is currently stressed and worried*

Where do I start? I have not written in this thing in a while. Alot has happened in the time since last I made an entry. I have gotten confirmation for TQRF training, as a start I guess. Well, that is fairly recent, but what ever, I should be the only one who ever reads this damned thing anyways. Well, on second thought, I hope I am the only one to read this thing.

K, ever the one to run to danger, has been through hell, and, while at first I hated her, I see her as a friend, Noa, has been through worse. I wanted to tell her, I now what its like to be captive, but, what I was told, it was worse... alot worse, then what I went though. I was never trusted to be around by the ones who took me, which is why they so gleefully handed me over when they could I guess. Almost killing someone with a spoon insured that. I never stopped fighting... but that is all I could do. All I still do.

I have been having nightmares more often, especially when alone. They are feed by the memories of the past bring dredged up to the surface. Its a good thing I went to my thinking place last night unarmed, because when K woke me, I was mid one of these nightmares, and I was moving to a fighting pose before I could start to think. Thinking... Kluex knows the thinking that I have been doing recently.

I am worried about him. If he were to die... I would feel alone again. Sure I have new friends here, and all that... but no one will come as close to me as he has... Kluex, help me stay strong, and I do not ask alot of you. I have also never really worshiped you either, so there is that, but do this and I swear I will try to start, because if what occurs, like is highly likely, then I will need your help, because I dont know if K will be there for me.

*A tear stain forces a break in words*

I know, I should have seen this fate... but some part of me, refused to, and still does. I dont want to lose him, or have to leave him behind... but if I do, or must... I will find a way. I always do. I will hold on to the hope though. And, if the day comes that I do no long have his shoulder to cry on, his kindness to lean on, then I will make do with what he has shown hid within me. It will be sad, if a blueberry has to move on without her chocolate, but if I must, then I guess... I hope, that I can find the strength to carry on. I just have to stay strong. I must stay strong.