This expanding digital diary would be found in the back pocket of Aruana's pack, or aboard her ship in her bedroom. Day One Coming to Antares is my first step out of my shell. My parents came here to live out the rest of their years among old friends and relatives, and I decided to come along as well. Father has told me much of Antares. It is a living, breathing place. Beautiful and terrible. Chaotic and peaceful. All manner of people reside here, I am told. From the kindest hearts to the darkest souls, few other places are like it. Out here, my hunger for exploration and adventure can finally be satisfied... at least, to an extent. My immunodeficiency disorder remains. Father has no idea how I could have gotten it. Perhaps it is an effect of hyperluminal FTL travel. Regardless the cause, I refuse to believe it cannot be cured, although uncle Aerdem had his beliefs. I will find a way. Someday, I will be able to smell a real flower. Someday, I will be able to feel the ocean glide across my gills. Someday, I will be able to feel the touch of another's skin. And each day that passes means one day closer to that day.
Day Two We have arrived on my family's new home. After a lengthy introduction to my grandparents, I took to the ocean and embarked on my first expedition in Antares. The sea was beautiful, vast, unbounded. I dropped to the sea floor, and gazed upon a forest of bio-luminescent coral reef. Small fish darted between the curling tendrils of the aquatic vegetation. A massive dark creature loomed overhead. I finally felt it. A feeling of belonging. A feeling of home.
Day Three I went to a well-advertised and high rated restaurant known as Kero Kero. A marvelously built small colony made of rich green reeds. I didnt know anyone there, and ate alone as usual. Then, a peculiar, sullen, unhealthy-looking human approached me. It was Kryssa. Father told me a lot about Kryssa. Kind-hearted. Falls into old, not-so-healthy habits. Sometimes adopts new not-so-healthy habits. Nonetheless, a gem. We had a short conversation. We both were rather shy. I wish I had said more. Asked her about... something. She went back to her table with another human, and I was alone again. Some people believe that being consistently exposed to something unpleasant can help you get used to it. Some people are stupid. A fine example is high energy radiation. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, yeah right. I've eaten alone, played alone, worked alone nearly all my life, and each second I spend alone is another hit of the hammer, driving the nail in deeper. The food was delicious. The ambiance was beautiful. The meal was filling, yet I feel empty. Maybe some DNA analysis will help.
Day Four I think my first friends were made today. I went back to Kero Kero, and bumped into an eclectic group of aliens. A floran woman, an avian man and a strange, glowing being, whom I assumed to be a novakid. The avian was a rather striking man named Aegis. He had deep, dark feathers and a remarkable ability to play the guitar. He was so wise and introspective... a lot like uncle Aerdem. I wonder whether all avians are this way. His plumage looked so soft... the way it blew in the wind. The novakid's name was David. A very shy but fascinating creature. He's very intelligent, he's some sort of mechanical engineer I think. My dad might've told me about him sometime. Such fascinating creatures, novakids! I wonder how they work, how they eat, how they see, what they feel like... I had my concerns about the floran. She seemed rather scary at first, considering the horrid stories I had heard about them, but she was so joyful, innocent and playful. Her name was Petal, and she had a curious obsession with breasts, or "chest bumps" as she called them. I'm not so sure why, but regardless, she turned out to be a very kind and caring floran, if not a little... silly, or careless. She was very interested in spending more time with me, and upon hearing this I felt simply elated! I suppose this is what it feels like to have friends who genuinely like you. We all had a nice conversation. Nothing went wrong. They all accepted me regardless of my condition. Aegis said that if ever I needed anything to let him know. Petal wants to get together with me sometime. Unfortunately, she seemed particularly keen on going swimming with me, and given my condition I dont think that can happen. Perhaps we can go exploring together sometime? These new friends give me more motivation to cure myself of this disease. I continue my search for a solution tomorrow.
Day Five Today was rather strange. Petaldancer invited me to a spa at Resolute, which is a quaint floran colony that receives a fair amount of traffic. I had never been to a spa, and frankly it was rather unpleasant. I had no way of knowing the level of sanitation, and therefore had to sit in the tub whilst wearing my damn suit. Conversation was pleasant. Petal seemed to be enjoying the water, which was pleasing to know. Strangely enough, knowing a friend is happy is enough to make me happy as well. Petal seems to like me a lot. It's a rather strange feeling, being appreciated by someone you aren't related to. I have to admit, having friends is doing wonders for my self-respect, morale and overall happiness. Maybe I should see if I can make any friends myself, without having to rely on being approached. I find myself limited in my scientific capabilities at this point. My little "laboratory" aboard my ship really isn't adequate enough for effective research and development. Only having a fussy scanning electron microscope and an optical microscope really doesn't help, and neither does not having my professors and mentors around to tell me when I'm messing up. Hopefully I can find a local organization with abilities in bioengineering and chemical engineering. It would be nice to have a source of income too. I will not stop working toward my goal, regardless of my limitations and obstacles. I will find a way to fix my immune system. Hopefully I won't die trying.
Day Six I applied for a job and Petaldancer asked if I would be her mate today. A little unnerving, to say the least. I found an organization seemingly tailored to my very needs; an organization which offers lab space and pay in exchange for research and development for their company. It is called Helix Industries, after the double helix nucleic acids which compose all life. I hope I am accepted, and that it will provide me with a fast path toward a cure. My first job and first friend within a single week. Antares is a fast-paced place indeed. I met Petal at the Kero Kero Shodoku as usual. I had expressed earlier that I wondered what her skin felt like. Indeed, I have never touched the skin of another being with my own bare skin. After some precautionary measures and sanitizing we were safe aboard my ship, and I took of my suit in front of another being for the first time. I felt embarrassed, for some reason. I felt naked, even though I still bore my jumpsuit. We touched hands; she described my skin as like the side of a hot tub, and hers reminded me of a palm frond I had the luck to touch back at the AISI, smooth and plastic. After some conversation, and my first hug, she asked if I could be her mate. To say this caught me off-guard would be an understatement. I feel awful about turning her down, but how could I accept? For one, I have an immunodeficiency disorder and would be rather cumbersome as a spouse. Secondly, I am straight, at least I think. Come to think of it, I really don't know who I am. Perhaps after some introspection and social interaction I can identify who I am.
Day Seven A new colony opened today, I believe it was created by the same glitch who made Taranis, whom my parents told me of. Glitch architecture is magnificent, and the location was beautiful. While exploring a magnificent church they had built, an aurora appeared over the horizon, shining warm red and orange light through the windows. If I were a primitive being I could have called it a religious experience, or divine revelation. Thanks to science I call it interference of solar plasma and charged particles with planetary magnetic fields and atmosphere, causing ionization and photon emission due to hydrogen atoms acquiring electrons. Science is beautiful. I met a kind avian named Ziggy there. We spoke for a little while about my condition, made some small talk. He seemed genuinely nice. I wonder if all avians are nice. Except this one jerk who walked past me at Kero Kero, called me a zeebroo or something and said something like "I thought hylotl knew about style". You think I like wearing this damn suit? Later, I spoke with Kryssa. Briefly put, the poor girl is in awful shape, but she's "getting better". Her psychologist says that talking about it is the best way to deal with it, so I'll make sure my parents and I do that more often. Maybe we should visit her home sometime. I also spoke with a doctor named Reed. He was rather intent on hiring me regardless of my lack of doctoring experience or degree. I started coughing rather badly at Kero Kero, and had to leave. I must've caught something from Petaldancer, good thing it was something detectable and relatively benign. I went home aboard my ship and immediately administered a few vials of immunoboosters and took a long rest. I can't do something risky like that again. This is really starting to annoy me. Hopefully this Helix Industries will hire me and hurry me down the path to a solution. If not, well, I'll have to see things through a glass dome my whole life.
Day Eight Today, I performed research as a major part of my day. Didn't get very far, as usual. The white blood cells I grew with the new marrow specimen didn't behave as I expected they would, I must've messed up the plasmid implantation... AGAIN. I really need some better equipment. Helix Industries better have some nice facilities. In response to my frustration with the white blood cells' insolence, I went to the new glitch place again in the hopes that the aurora would be there waiting for me. It was, and as I had hoped, it calmed me down enough so that I could relax again and think straight. Shortly thereafter, I saw Kryssa. We had just begun chatting when a strange golden glitch began staring at me. He asked if I was a relative of the Belugas, and I smiled, saying I was their daughter. He immediately began berating me, calling me a con-artist. I had forgotten about the time lapse. Later, the same glitch pulled me aside and drew a blade on me. Naturally, I panicked, but soon I was able too convince him that I was indeed their daughter. He apologized and took me back to the inn for a short talk, when he gave me a job offer. Why is everyone suddenly interested in hiring me, immediately after I apply to Helix? Anywho, he left, and I chatted with Kryssa, soon realizing she was drunk. People are rather silly when they're drunk, I found it quite funny, save for her recurrent faceplanting into the ground. I wonder what is so attractive about alcohol. Maybe someday I'll find out what makes it so good. We decided to go see Kryssa's place. It was gorgeous, a quaint little cabin on a small island on an ocean world. The view was spectacular, and the architecture simplistic and functional. She is very lucky to have a fiance like Alyx. He sounds like a brilliant and kind individual, I would hope to meet him someday. More friends is always nice! Still... after talking with Kryssa, even though her condition is less than healthy, I envy her. I felt more lonely than usual aboard my ship. Sometimes, I find myself wishing I had accepted Petal's proposal. Sometimes I find myself wondering if there is a point to life inside a bubble. Sometimes I wonder if being isolated like this is slowly driving me toward psychological instability. A short death from a pathogen, or a long slow death of the mind. I don't know what sounds worse.
Day Nine These entries keep getting longer and longer. I visited the new glitch settlement once again. I'm starting to like it there, although soon I may have to return to Kero Kero. They had a new piano, and at the request of David, I played two songs: Fur Elise, a human song, and a hylotl chorale, which was written for a reed organ, but sounded decent on piano nonetheless. My damn suit got in the way, as usual, and I hit seven sour notes. I thought it was awful, but I guess the people in Antares aren't nearly as musically talented or gifted as those at the AISI. It also helps to live by yourself with your parents and almost nothing else to do for 18 years. Petaldancer was there this time. She congratulated me on my piano playing, and asked some... remarkably deep, introspective questions, questions like what I look for in a "mate", and what love is. I answered them to the best of my ability, having read numerous tales of love and romance during my teenage years, but given my lack of any personal experience with the emotional connection whatsoever I'm not sure I was able to help her very much. Petal was also interested in learning to become literate, a marvelous thing, and I set her up with my mother's contact information. Mother doesnt have all that much to do now, and given her former floran... er, close friends... I'm sure she would be happy to help Petal. Mother isn't very bright, but she has a loving heart and I can see her being a good mentor for Petaldancer. I had a similar conversation with Aegis, afterward. I told him about my conflict, and he gave me advice my father always gave me: be patient. Don't do rash, impulsive things. All things I already knew, of course, but it is good to be reminded every once in a while. I told him I didnt really know what I looked for in a husband, and naturally he was able to help me with that, whether he knew it or not. I remembered Uncle Aerdem, how he was so kind to Aunt Gillian, so caring and friendly, and how they both loved each other so much. That's something I want to have. Something I wish I could have. Aegis introduced me to an avian woman named Eztli, whom I had foolishly mistaken for Glauen. Avians all look so similar from behind... Anyway, she turned out to be an engineer, and happened to be able to put together armor for relatively low prices. We worked out a deal, and if I'm lucky, she'll be able to make me a much better suit! Anything is better than this piece of junk, but I really hope it looks nice. If I'm gonna keep living in this suit and look remotely attractive without dying from bronchitis or something in an hour, I'm gonna need a sleeker suit. My hopes are high! I left the settlement for my ship, and was stopped by a peculiar floran sitting outside the castle gate, trying and failing to cook eggs on a meager campfire in the blowing snow. She invited me to her ship, and after a short while I decided why not? She was a friend of Petaldancer, and seemed benign. Floran architecture is strange. Their use of organic material is beautiful, but I cringe at the sight of tusks and bones of former living creatures being used as furniture. She showed me all around the ship, and it was overall... rather pleasant, however horrifying at times, particularly when she clawed at my suit. She accepted me as a friend because I was a "metal-fish" and therefore not edible. Hopefully we can stay friends if I end up curing myself. I go to sleep tonight happy. I've made new friends and have some exciting things to look forward to.
Day Ten I'm more confused than ever, I believe. Today, I sat at Kero Kero alone for the majority of the day. I like the silence. The sea. The waves breaking against the shore. Even through the microphone and speakers it is soothing. I wonder what it sounds like in person. What it smells like. After a few hours or so of this, I went back to Gryphon's Peak in search of companionship. Petaldancer was there. We talked a little. Some scary stuff happened. Petal bought a glance at a human's breasts. Nothing unusual. Then, Petal invited me down to the "warm waters" in the lower levels of the facility. We talked some more. About relationships. What dating was. I realized that Petaldancer has no attraction to males whatsoever, which I really should have noticed earlier. Questioning my own sexuality, craving companionship and feeling sorry for Petal, I asked her to be my girlfriend. I mean, she's really nice to me and obviously finds me attractive, so I figured what harm could come. Now, I'm not so sure I should have done that. It was impulsive, and there are indeed consequences to this. Dating ends in either of two things: marriage or breakup. I'm definitely not sure we'll be married by any means, so that means this is likely going to end up in her getting hurt. I couldn't bare to do that to someone. I'm either going to see my best friend in tears or in a wedding dress. Or, maybe dead. This is Antares, after all.
Day Eleven I was just told by the head of a clinic here that my condition is unable to be cured. I don't know what to do. She's obviously more experienced than I. I don't want to believe her. She has to be lying. That has to be it. Of course it's treatable! I know I'm not staying in here. It is treatable! What does she know? She must be really inexperienced. It's not like she has a degree in bioengineering. Shes only a doctor. Who am I kidding? I've been banished to this suit, confined to a living hell, viewing the world from behind a pane of palladium-treated glass, touching it through a sealed metal suit, hearing it through speakers, and leaving my other senses virtually untouched. Maybe its best this way. Baileaf seems to enjoy my armor more than she would enjoy me without. I dont have to worry about changing. I dont have to worry about getting wet, or breaking a bone, or smelling something unpleasant. No. I can't live like this. There has to be an answer. The doctor said it is impossible to change my genetic code. Yeah? Well, the ancient Emperor of Ethalas told Darfin that it was impossible to travel beyond the sky, and look at us now. I will change my genetic code. I will find a way. In the meantime, I'll dampen the pillow until I fall asleep.
Day Twelve There comes a point in life when one must choose between turning the page and closing the book. Choose between the bleakness of the future or the void of death. Thankfully, after my dreadful night last night, I chose not to jump off the balcony at that restaurant. I probably would only have ended up breaking something, and then dying a slow, agonizing death. The next page turned out not to be so bad after all. I received my new suit from Eztli. It looks gorgeous! I put it on right when I got it, and it feels spectacular! The GUI in the helmet is much more ergonomic, and is actually rather pretty compared to the boring one inside my other suit. I'll have to fiddle with the programming a little. More father-daughter bonding time, I suppose! I'm starting to think that maybe being trapped inside a suit isn't as horrible a fate as I was convinced it was. I mean, I see people walking around in enclosed suits all the time for fun. Nevertheless, I will keep pushing forward. I will come up with a way to modify nucleic acid arrangement. And I will find a way to cure myself of this dreadful disease. Now all I need to do is the impossible: Modify adult DNA, then build an immune system by doing so. It'd be nice to have a research grant right about now.
Day Thirteen It has been far too long, I am concerned that Helix Industries dissipated, or worse, passed me by. I'll have to look for help elsewhere. There has to be some research facility nearby. On another note, I'm thinking about ceasing to "date" Petaldancer. I feel rather guilty about even starting it, I suppose I'm just leading her on, really... When I told Kryssa that we were dating, she... gave me this blank stare and just left. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I just felt bad for Petaldancer for not having found a mate. Maybe I felt lonely and thought that having a girlfriend would fulfill that emptiness. I don't know. How am I going to tell her? Any way I put it, she'll feel awful. How will she react? What will I do? Never had I thought I would have more relationship problems than physical challenges. On the brighter side, I finished working with father on tweaking the new suit. He used some special laminate that the HKC developed back in it's day, and now the suit is a glossy pearly white! We added in some HUD elements and some pretty LEDs. Come to think of it, we basically redesigned the entire suit. There are all these weird things on it that he said he'd tell me about later. They look like decorations, but if I know my dad, they're more than just decorations. Tomorrow, I will tell Petaldancer the unfortunate news. I hope we can remain friends.
Day Fourteen I could not find Petaldancer today, she was not responding to her radio. I decided to go to Katune, the new colony, instead to practice my socialization skills. Not very good pickings today, people-wise. Tory was there, she really bothers me. She thinks nothing of being disrespectful, and is generally uninterested in knowledge. It seemed like no one was. Another human, a male, was similarly disrespectful and uncouth. I keep meeting these revolting humans, not afraid of extortion or unethical or immoral behavior. I certainly hope their race is better than this. I met Yukari as well, an old friend of my parents and Aunt Gillian. She indeed was rather excitable, but in a flamboyant, chaotic way. She clearly had good intentions, but she was far too silly and careless for my preference. Father came to the restaurant a little later, a surprise visit. He chatted with some of his old friends for quite a while, until he told me that I had received support from the AISI. Later, he elaborated. The AISI donated one of their modular homes to me, as well as a small sum of 6000 pX as a startup bonus! I'm going to wait another few days before striking out on my own. It would be in my best interest to find local support, rather than having to work with the AISI across the galaxy. Maybe I should look for other scientists who can point me in the right direction.
Day Fifteen Today was a flurry of confusing emotion. At Katune, I saw Aegis for the first time in forever, and he had a friend with him. I believe her name was Feathertail? After a few minutes of conversation, I learned she was an aspiring geneticist! Imagine that! She seemed to be looking for something to do, I wish I could offer her a paying job, but I don't even have an income myself. Maybe I should open an official laboratory, I'm sure the AISI would be interested in funding it. I hope. More friends trickled in. Kryssa, David... Everyone loved my new suit. Things were going really well. Then, someone barged in with an assault rifle, running around and pointing it at everyone. His gun was... horrifying. Simply repulsive, yet I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I remembered the flash, the deafening bang. I thought those memories were gone. I hoped they were. They weren't. Apparently, some mutant floran was running rampant around the colony. More soldiers with more guns ran around. I dont remember much. It was all so surreal, detached. Bodies moving past my corner of the room. Murmuring. Gunfire. Shrieks. Walking somewhere. Awakening slowly on the bridge. All I wanted was to leave. To get away from that hell. Kryssa agreed, and so did this peculiar other avian named Chestnut, whom I had met earlier. We three decided to go to my new house, freshly deployed on an ocean world a few parsecs away. It was still empty, an untouched pristine island in the middle of a vast, pacific sea. It was still mostly empty, I had only finished setting up my bedroom and a small living area. Kryssa had to leave rather quickly, leaving me and my new friend Chestnut. Chestnut is a peculiar, quaint little avian. My first impressions were that he was rather innocent, jumpy, excitable... He fainted at the sight of a floran, to put things into perspective. An aspiring priest, if I recall correctly. It was raining, and he wished to use a towel. The closest analog I could find was the radiation treatment chamber between my bedroom and the common area, where varying preset wavelengths of electromagnetic radiation are fired around to eliminate pathogens. I set it to an infrared wavelength, and allowed him to sit within the small chamber. He seemed to enjoy it far too much, falling to the ground and taking a short nap in the warm light. After ten or fifteen minutes I woke him up, asking if he wished to stay, considering he had no home of his own and I had a sleeping bag. He accepted my offer, after some insisting that he wasn't intruding. He chose to sleep in the radiosanitation chamber. The few times I had to adjust his circlet for him, I couldn't help but look at his eyes. They were very large, and eye catching. The last time I did this, I felt a peculiar, warm, confusing feeling, and in my confusion I promptly retired to my room. My oxytocin levels are higher than usual. Am I attracted to him? Are my reproductive instincts, delayed by my prolonged isolation, finally awakening? I feared this day would come.
Day Sixteen I'm gonna keep these short. Today I met some more people interested in helping me with my research! There was this avian named Feathertail, who's some geneticist I guess, and she was in need for a job. Lucky me! Her and Aegis offered to lend me a hand in my research; the AISI agreed to send over a two-person house. Then, I met this other hylotl named Starton. He's some brilliant scientist, who wants to work on erichius crystals or whatever, but he agreed to help me out with my problem if I helped him out with his afterward. I told the AISI about this, and they said that at the rate I'm recruiting, they're considering sending over a full-fledged laboratory! I could be the leader of AISI Antares, the second time a member of the AISI has set up shop here, after Aerdem! Heavens, I'm so excited! With the combined help of Starton, Aegis and Feathertail, along with any others we acquire along the way, we may actually solve my problem! I look forward to tomorrow. Wait... I just got a message from Baileaf. She wants to talk on her ship again. She sounded sad, poor girl. She's so nice to me, so innocent, so kind. She wants to be civilized, I can tell, but she's having trouble internally. I believe in her though, she has so much potential, and she's trying so hard. Maybe this is the night I help Baileaf become who she can really be! Wish me luck!
Day Seventeen Yesterday night, I lost something. Baileaf invited me over to her ship, a common occasion. She said she loved my suit. She asked if I wanted a massage. I really didn't. She insisted. Said it was something friends do. Needed practice. Would make me feel good, help relax. I trusted her. She wouldn't hurt me. She had had plenty of opportunity to before. I lay on the table. Nervous. Anxious. She was a floran, after all. But I had my armor. Military grade laminate. Father said it was the strongest material ever, that once you got through the top layer you hit a superhard diamond sheet that was indelible. No blade could get through. Even the fabric was carbon nanotubes in a hex lattice. I felt safe. I lay on my belly. I watched over my shoulder. She climbed onto my back. I froze in fear. No way could I move with a floran holding me down. I was subject to her will. I waited for her to kill, but she didn't. She pressed against my shoulders. It felt wonderful, the pressure. Pressure was something I had rarely felt before. Something I had always enjoyed feeling. How could I doubt Baileaf? She was right. It did feel wonderful. She reached my gills. I was worried about that. Gills are sensitive. She caught on quickly. Applied more pressure. Digits trying to find weak points in the armor. Found. Made me make noises. Noises I hadn't made before. She liked them. My gills, they felt amazing. What had I been missing all these years? Touch was a fantasy, and Baileaf was making it come true. Floran laid on my back. Became nervous. Calmed by the pressure. She wasn't dangerous. She was misunderstood, like all floran. Clearly they were capable of compassion. I trusted her. Baileaf was doing me a huge favor, doing this for me. Flipped over. Not expected. Full body massage, she said. Scared again. I was exposed. The floran could hurt me in many ways if she wanted. But I trusted her. She didnt hurt me. Pressure on my shoulders. Pleasant, relaxing feelings. Suddenly, my chest. Also not expected. Uncomfortably pleasing. Baileaf was my friend. This was something friends do all the time. I trusted her. She didnt hurt me. Made her happy. Just a little discomfort. Felt pressure on my thigh. Also uncomfortable and pleasing. Part of routine. Felt good, but felt wrong. I trusted her though. Warned her not to go there as a precaution. Just a warning. I trusted her. Baileaf took a metal device. Slipped under one of the rings at my midsection. Turned on. Buzzed, vibrated, screamed, gasped, begging, pleading, writhing, scratching, tears, sweat, horror, ecstasy, pain, pleasure, paradise, hell, rapture, damnation. So amazing. So awful. Moved device down. Became better. Became worse. Louder screams. More tears. More horrific. More ecstatic. Stopped her. She apologized. I cried. I yelled. She cried. She yelled. She showed a video of her torture. I went into cardiac arrest. Awoke later. Baileaf apologized. I forgave. Dont know why. Baileaf took my trust, my innocence, and yet I forgave. Returned home. Lay in bed for four hours staring at ceiling. It wasn't Baileaf's fault. It was her nature. She could be changed, and I could do it. She can be saved. I know she can. Gills still hurt a little. It's not too bad. I can get through the pain. Will have to talk with Baileaf again. Check on her. Be more careful. Help guide her. Can do it. Will do it. Shes misunderstood. I will help her. I trust her.
Day Eighteen Recovery day. I spent the first few hours in my room, and decided to make good use of the treadwheel. Maybe it would help blow off steam, or be cathartic, as father always said it was. I barely held up a decent jog for ten minutes. Wearing an assistive suit my whole life has made me weak, and somewhat strangely built. I shudder to think that someday someone will see my body underneath the suit. I hope by then I have developed enough muscle to look proportionate again. Feathertail knew something was wrong. She saw the scratches on the armor. There was no use hiding it. I only hope she doesnt tell anyone else, or that no one else finds out. I'll have to come up with an excuse for having these scratches. No way can I get them fixed. That would require asking father to repair them, and then he'd ask, or find out. He can't know. No one can. Feathertail hugged me. It was nice. She is a genuinely caring person. Then she told me she liked me. I don't know what's happening to me. Recently everyone's been seeming attractive to me. Even people I barely know, but would like to. Aegis, Ziggy, Feathertail, Petal, Chestnut... nearly everyone. I know its wrong... I get strange, alien thoughts. Forbidden thoughts. I push them away, but they keep coming back. I now know to some extent why my mother followed the path she did in her young years. I shudder to think of myself as one of them. All these people, confessing feelings for me... Petaldancer first, then Baileaf, and now Feathertail... Feathertail is so gorgeous. Her bright pink feathers, adorable chirp, fluffy tail, defined... What's happening to me? Why is this happening?
Day Nineteen Everywhere I set flipper today, someone was causing themselves harm to help me. And I hated it. It started with Feathertail. She was curled up by the pier, and looked dreadfully ill. She had consumed a chemical which eliminated all pathogens within her, and essentially destroyed her immune system for a few days so she could know what it's like to be me. I hated it. Watching her in pain, watching her have to be confined to the same sterilized room as I am... Apparently, though, I'm able to be in her presence without my suit now, due to her sterilization. I dont want to remove my suit in front of her. I'm much too fat and out of shape. My suit belies my proportions. To get away from the poor bird ion her anguish, I visited Baileaf. That only made matters worse. She reached for me at one point, and bit herself in the arm as punishment. Not only that, but I... I lost control of my emotion for a while there... I regret it immensely. I should not have done that. No. Never. That's something done with a future mate, not a dear friend. What's wrong with me? How could I do such a thing? I need to regain control of myself before I do something horrible.
Day Twenty Starton, of all people. I'm attracted to Starton. I spoke with him at Kero Kero today. One could even call it a date. He had such an interesting childhood, such remarkable parents. His intellect is also far superior than mine, as well as nearly anyone I know of. I am very honored to know him. I actually believe he would make a remarkable husband, or at least a head-of household and father. The manner in which he conducts himself is very learned and scholarly. He behaves as a teacher, constantly striving to spread knowledge. Something I look for in a husband. He also is indeed rather attractive. He's very sanitary and stately, and very gentlemanly. I tried to imply my intention to pursue a relationship with him to him via social cue, however it seems as if he may not have picked up on it. Perhaps I will need to be more obvious with my attempts. Plus, he's so far the only one out there whom I could naturally have children with. That's always a plus, having actual kids. Keep the family line going. No one else is gonna do it, as far as I can tell. With genes like mine and genes like Starton's we could have some remarkable children. But, this is of course, speculation. Perhaps I will make good of this speculation tomorrow.
