*is in Storm's house* ((Also OOC (or IC if you find the journal, it isn't hidden or anything) comments are allowed)) Hss... is has job now... iss good. Iss hope will do wellss I... I want to do wellss. Iss second chance, for me. I guess... iss hoping not be ssad for much longer.
... old.. friend? maybess? iss dead nowss... did know know I wass there, or who wass.... iss saw stop breathing. iss sad now
Well hass been doing good, forgot to write in heress. um... hss... had issue with partner, but iss better now, iss hope. wass my fault, should have been ssmarter. hss... iss need to write more often... umss.... hss... oh! iss maybe um hass good friend now? hss name Shachi. Iss teach her how to live heress, ssince Outcasst have control everywhere. keep head down, don't attract attention, don't be a hero. Iss learned that the hard way. Hss... hass decided to jusst let what happenss happens, not point in fighting for a losst causse, yess? oh alsso, iss sset up possible date for her with Floran she hass crush on. iss hope workss out. hss.. also leader of outcasstss dieded. hss... that iss bad. hss...now even worsse persson will end up in charge iss think. hss... Ssometimess wonderss if iss worth sstaying here... everyone ussed to care about iss dead or gone. I've sseen the sector turn to sshit, everything wear away. Thiss place does that, wears people down, chipss away at them until eventually ssomething happens that breaks them, makess them unable to keep going, and they jusst... sstop... and then they die. hss... iss... iss afraid iss happening to me. After what happened to me, being dissfigured, tortured... hss... ssomething broke in me. Iss afraid... iss never ussed to be afraid... but nowss... hss... when I think back to how recklessly I've acted in the passt... I sshudder... hss... one false move and... no, it doessn't bear thinking about. ... hss, lissten to me, ssounding like and old persson, all cynical and world weary. Hss no. desspite all the sshit I've been through, every ssingle time I've been beaten, sstabbed, burnt... I've toughed it out. and... iss sstill have people who care about me. Iss have partner, and Miss Storm. yess... hass not losst everyone... hss... but iss through trying to make a difference, you knowss? people keep dying when they do. casse in point, those poor people I read about who tried to hire ssome mercs... hss... would have helped when I wass more foolish... NO. no. iss getting depressing againss... hss... need to think of ssomething happy. hss... umss... wellss... ... hss... will find ssomething eventually. good night.
gossh darnit... hss Dillard wass arressted by RA after he almosst killed ssomeone. hss... iss... wass afraid. lasst time that scenario happened, I ssaw ssomeone I cared about die. ...I wissh Floranss would be more sensible. If we could jusst learn when to let go and not get involved, less people would do sstupid thingss. But no, every hick tribal hass to take offense when ssomeone callss them a bussh or ssomething. Can't they ssee they're being baited? hss the offender jusst needss an exscusse to kill them. ugh I'm sso mad gossh darn it. that whole epissode wass a mess. I mean... Fuck.
ugh. ok, screw this. You know who I am, I don't need to write in that accent anymore, it's very frustrating. now. Turns out Dillard is alive, that's good, that's /really/ good to hear. I was worried he... nevermind. next, uh, Opp has been invaded by swarms of goddamn blackleaf Floran. which is very bad for the Floran population mind you. everyone's gonna blame them. which is a shame. oh, sorry for writing in such angry sentences but it's late and I'm tired, you know? so like I've been thinking.... we... Florans... this body I live in... well... I think we do deserve all the hate that gets heaped on us. I mean... we destroyed one and a half homeworlds and everything... killed /billions/, done all sorts of nasty things... hmmm... After Sharp stepped down from leadership... I realized... I was only going through the motions of my previous self, trying to copy him, to restore some semblance of normality. I never... really wanted what I had. All these strange and primitive tribal customs... they were as alien to me as I was to humans. I... when I was evicted from the tribe, loath as I am to admit it, it was a good thing for me. I mean, here I was, a total outsider, taught by humans and everything, throwing away all that so I could learn more about my species's culture? and I spend so long in that tribe, and for what? When my legs failed me, when i had that flue, because of what I am; I was exiled, never to return under the pain of death, my only crime to my knowledge being weakness. Well, if that's how Floran culture treats it's adherents, I don't want to be a part of it. Screw that. Back when I was younger, my old family would have given an arm and a leg to make sure I was ok, and these "True Florans" throw me away as soon as I become a liability. So screw Floran culture. It abandoned me when I needed it most, so I say I can abandon it as well... ... I dunno... maybe this makes me a traitor to my own race or something... even thinking that kind of bothers me... But... I... well... what a problem I'm in. The races I understand and can relate to hate me , with good reason, and the Florans who should care about me could easily be pack hunters looking for weakness... it's painful... At least... at least I have some friends right?
((yeah Silk knows that, and understands the reasoning. he's just angry that it got out of hand like it did.
Well... Opportunity was lost to those ferals. fuck, that was the last safe place left, not many options now... Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it Damn it- *this continues for some time* should have burned them. but no, here I was, to much of a coward to do anything more than shoot stragglers far behind the front lines. Disgraceful but... if I died... Dillard would be upset... can't have that... ugh... this is depressing, I'm going to stop now.
Well I finally got over that nasty cold, I can go out more often now. Hm, I think I need to tone down my language for those last entries. I mean, my goodness. Must have been from spending all that time with those soldiers. Not that I mind... but anyways I need to get my brain back to normal again. Can't end up swearing all the time, especially since it may blow my cover or something. Although... I did hear a rumor, just a rumor though... that something happened, and some of... those people.... got killed... No evidence though... Still not sure what the report is gonna be. I hope it's true though. I really do.
So, um, gosh, everything is actually working well for me. That's good. I got a shipment of hylotl stuff from Asani, so I have that and most other races covered. Still need to work on Glitch and Apex food though. Can't find anyone who sells that. Although I did find a guy who sold cinnamon spices. But then he was like "you really think there are spices in here, don't you?" Well of course I think that. The guy said he was selling it. But he was selling it for like, 60k, which is like, almost half of everything I own. And then he asked if I was a cop. How confusing.
I am doing well... I am doing fine. Don't show weakness, just smile and nod. Don't think too hard about what is going on under the bar. Just smile and nod. You'll be fine.
You know... Among many pack animals, perhaps including the tribal Floran, it can be noticed that the leader is the one who seems the strongest and most dangerous. This is required, because if the animal did not act like the strongest and most dangerous, it would be killed and replaced with another, more dangerous pack leader. So, the pack leader must keep up that reputation of fierceness and cruelty, in order to survive, even as he grows tired of maintaining such a harsh public image. It is a sad state of affairs. I would pity someone in such a position.
Well... this is interesting... On one hand, the people who hurt me very badly are all gone, so I should be happy. On the other hand, a lot of people I admired disappeared in the AI rebellion. I... don't know how to feel right now... I can't go to Asani and live there, since I'm a Floran /and/ if someone recognizes me I might get lynched. Can't go to Taranis... too many old, painful memories there... Guess I'll just stay at Wayward. I'll keep waiting for my employer though. After all, no bodies means no proof. I think they have to have survived, somewhere....
Am I really just a monster? Are Florans so locked into place that we can't change, we're just stuck like this, a bunch of mindless killers? Well, that's just cruel. What kind of... whatever... would make a race like that? Why should it deserve to live like that? Would it be best to just let it die before it hurts anyone else? Well... maybe we can change... I mean, I'm sure, like, I've seen some who gave up on being tribals... and.. even some tribals who aren't that bad... but... I don't know... I... well... Florans as a whole have killed millions. Do we even deserve forgiveness as a species? I mean, are we worth saving? EDIT: ((Also the journal is now carried with Silk in his pocket.
Well um... lots of things happened recently... first off um... I have a job now. I'm a servant to that nice Mr. Radical person. He even helped me get painkillers when I was hurt and the hylotls made me wait outside. So um that happened. Speaking of hylotl, apparently there are some fancy new guard walking around Asani. Some people complain, but I don't mind. I have that one Floran that is trying to kill me, after all, so it's good to know I can actually call people if things get bad. On the other hand, the poor girl doesn't look to be more than a sapling, so I don't want to ruin her life so early... I've had enough of that... Anyways, I'm going to try and get some fancier off-duty clothing, hopefully some that I can sneak some light plate armor under, just in case. Have to make a good impression for the new guards and all that.
I just wanted to get this off my chest, I've been carrying it with me for such a long time and I wanted to get it out... I killed an old friend of Frax by accident... Long, long time ago, she gave me a call that a human friend of hers was hurt, and needed help. I, um, just told her to find a needle with liquid inside of it, I can't remember if I said red liquid or not, I'm sorry but anyway, I thought, you know, there had to be a stimpack nearby or a nano-wrap or something... How was I supposed to know there was this shady character lurking around nearby? Frax would have been asking for needles, and this guy... Anyway, the human was killed by a heroin overdose. It's all my fault, I took away her first friend because I was too stupid to think about what I was saying. I think that's why I've been so protective of her and stuff. I wanted to somehow make things right. I... I don't know if I've succeeded... if I'll ever succeed.
