Things are different nowadays. My life is not what it used to be. I am not the boy who ran from his problems and fought because he had too. No, I am not the same, not anymore. I am not fighting to keep control of myself, not worrying about who I might hurt, not worrying what might happen when I fall asleep, and not caring that I might never fit in. Though there is still something that bugs my soul, heart and mind. It is the question I find myself asking myself every time I wake up, see my reflections, or fall asleep. If I am not the boy who I used to be, who am I? Most of the thing I know are not thing I learned, most of what I can do is not my own abilities, most of what feel is not coming from my heart. I fear what I have become is not was intend for me, for my life. Then again, this is not just my life I am living in this universe right now. I think I've written enough for one day.
Time, the one and only thing that never ends. It is what gives us our past, present, and future. It keeps us all moving forward, makes us every changing, always adapting to its forceful ways. We take it for granite sometimes, thinking it will never stop for us, believing we are out of its reach. But we are not. Time shapes us, it gives us a purpose perhaps. It gives a way to think about our lives, the people we meet, all the thing the use our senses. But yet, I seems to never have enough time. Time stripped away most of my friends and my family. Even though it has given me new people to call friends, the wounds are still there. Before I know it, I will grow old and die, whether I like it or not. Maybe this is just me being negative, maybe it is not. I have done some interesting things since my last entry. I have dueled quite a bit on Taranis, gotten so things settled, and saved a few lives and made one better. I replaced Handerson's, a brown and white Avian who I call friend, lungs. I also replaced a lung of some guy named Carl. Also, Veronica, an Apex I meet back in Memoria, asked me to build a cybernetic eye for her. That was something I hadn't done in awhile. I am meeting new faces everyday it seems, never know which one of them going to be a killer, psychopath, or cultist though. I also meet a girl named Frost, though more on her when there is more to tell. For now I spend most of my days at Taranis or the Wovles Den.
Problems and their solutions are sometimes the thing I hate the most. Do not get me wrong, but sometimes I wish some of my problems did not have solutions. I say this because most of the solutions to my problems, I cannot perform or they require something of value to me, mainly my life or sanity. I try to find solutions and I am only meet with a dead end or a new problem. It is an endless cycle for me, and I fear I am running out of options. The problem I have faced all my life, the one I thought I solved back then, is creeping back to me. In most cases, I would not be scared of this, but it is coming back stronger than before with a vengeance perhaps. Nonetheless, I need to find a solutions to this problem, a better one, one that will keep this problem from arising every again. I just hope I find one I can literally live with. Since my last entry, not much has happened. I saw a few old friends, saw some friends change, and made new once. Though something rather big has happened, I found my home. I found the planet I grew up on. I decided to go visit it, to clear my mind, which is something I need to do but should not. I have keep the reasons of this trip a secret to most and some do not even know I am going away. Though I broke the news to them, sometime before I left, which is at the end of this day. Maybe they will understand. maybe not. I am gone either way. For little do they know, I am not doing this for myself. I am also doing it for my friends and others who are close to me. I just hope I come back. Only one way to find out.
Change, the one things that is constant, such irony in knowing that. Sometimes change is good, sometimes is bad, sometime it is neutral. Either way, something is different than before, whether we like it or not. But, sometimes we influence change to aid us, to help us, to make us reach a higher goal. Perhaps if one could control change they could live a perfect life, but living a perfect life would be a change in itself. So it seems change cycles into an endless loop even for those who can control it. Change...the one thing that has keep me going, the thing that made sure I was here today, the thing the gave me a reason to keep on moving. I have returned from my home, which to no surprise was in ruins. As I walked between buildings and locations, memories flooded back to me, triggering all them at once. Everything went almost as planned. An unforeseen factor came into play. Luna, the person I hold closest to my heart, had found me. At first, I was angered and told her to leave, which failed greatly. Eventually I and her were stop somewhere and she told me she was here to help. I wanted to tell her she could not help the monster of who I was, but something stopped me. Maybe it was the fact I knew that was a lie, maybe it was because I wanted to be with her in what could have been my finals hours. So we pushed forward together, facing what laid ahead of us. When we got to the Floran village, we were meet with two survivors, a brother and sister. They feared me and I was forced to reveal what I do to Luna. From there, my memories fades as I gave up control, entering my dream-like state, where nothing is really. I knew I was going to lose the battle, but here I am a winner. It is due to the fact something great, something I thought would never happen. I care not to describe what happened, but I will state this. Love will beat war any day of my life.
Work. It has been know to bring money, lack of sleep, pain, joy, sorrow, and a plethora of other thing with it. I tried to avoid it for as long as I could, not wanting to do something with my life, not wanting to have to take on major responsibility. But this could not last if I wished to move forward in my life, if I wanted to keep from falling short of my life. I have no idea what work will bring me nor do I care. It will help me out in the long run, least that is what I am hoping it does for me. Though maybe I will find work that takes hold of my interest, love, and my creative. Though I am in no rush for work, I have thing to get settled before I do anything over-the-top. Since my last entry not much has gone on. I am the member of a group called the Armored Wolves. It is a brotherhood of sorts from what I can tell, and the member treat each other like family at times. Though my entry process for this family was interesting to say the less. Nox, the leader of the Wolves, tasked me with something to see if I was serious about joining. I was tasked to killed A.N.I. , someone who I was told had become a nuisance to the Wolves and needed to be remove. Turns out it was a lie. A lie that got me stabbed in chest, with a new scar and nearly decapitated. Though I am a Pup in the brotherhood. It is only a matter of time before I start to climb the ranks. I have many people I know in this group, Omen, Varkun (formerly known as Handerson), Mars and Luna. Speaking of Luna, she and I seems to grow closer each passing day. I find myself smiling the most when she is around and having a good time. She works with tech, like myself, though she seems to develop weapons and thing involving energy. I told her I would help her test anything she needed tested and she agreed to do the same for me. Perhaps one day I can tell her something that will maker either roll her eyes, smiles, laugh, or something else. Perhaps I can tell her that, "This Wolf will always hunt with his Moon.". I how she will react to that. Only one way to find out I suppose.
So a lot has happened since I last wrote an entry here. Usually, I would start an entry off by talking about a concept and giving my thoughts and experiences on it. I would do this to keep my mind from falling back to a less desired state. However over the past few weeks, since I wrote here, I feel there is no need for this anymore. I may start it up again if I feel up to, and as I look back at the few entries I have written, I noticed something. I never put my name or why I am writing this, so better late than never I suppose. My name is Gareth Temki and I am writing this because I felt a need to record my life's story and the event in between. So with that out of the way, let's look back on the past, shall we? I will start off with good news, seeing how I can't think of any bad that has happened. Luna and I are getting married soon. The moment she said, "yes", was probably one of the happiest moments of my life so far. Words couldn't describe how I felt that day nor can they describe it now. I proposed to her at what would be the future site of our home together. We have built our home now and I am writing this while Luna rests in bed, from last's night drinking game at the Den. I promised her I wouldn't let her do that again. However, before we went to sleep last night, Luna and I chatted and she winded up breaking down and crying. I am not entirely sure why but during her moment of weakness, I comforted and told her why I call her my "Moon." It was during those moment were I pushed back the nightmare of from the night before. That nightmare made me scared, and is has a been a long time since I have been scared by my dreams. After I woke up that day, I went out hunting to clear my head. It worked mostly because I had two encounters with animals that tried to kill me and got a good hit on me. When I return that morning, I found Luna holding the bear I made for her. I tried to keep my wounds secret from her so she wouldn't worry but that didn't happen. She seemed a bit mad at first, which is fair, but she quickly went back to being herself. After that we went to Den where the game began. That is what has been happening between me and Luna. On some other notes, I made armor for Psy, the Hell Hound of the Armored Wolves. It has the hidden feature to blast music of his choosing. I almost made some squire armor for the people he is going to recruit into his little knight group he is forming. I also found one of my friend who I thought was gone for good this time, Vivian. She came to the galaxy shortly after Luna and I first started going out. She's lost a lot but seems to be recovering from it. I discover something about her that changed how we communicate. I introduced her to Luna and the two seemed become friend quickly. Luna has even asked Vivian to be her Maid of Honor for the wedding. Speaking of the wedding, we still need to work out a time, date, and place for it. Thornblade, a friend of Luna's and mine, is handling suits for the guests, Varkun is handling catering and being the "pastor", Psy is handling the music, so everything is set up. Just need to finalize it. I should probably show Luna this journal when she wakes, I have no reason to hid it from her. I will let her rest for now, I will make sure I have a pot of coffee ready for her, before I head out to the Den today. Hopeful next time I write in this thing, Luna and I will be married -Gareth Temki, June 27 2414
It has finally happened. Luna and I are married. The weddings, thanks to our friends and guests, will not be forgotten by me, anytime soon. There was only one fight I believe. That was less than I expected considering who was all there. The gifts that were give were amazing, especially Onyx Root's. He said is was not very good at all. Maybe in his eyes, this is true, but to Luna and I, it is quite the display. Thing was heavy and one hell of a thing to move to our home. I still am trying to get out of overly happy state since I will probably have work to do a Wolf right when I get back. Need to start Nox's armours and finish upgrading my own. Maybe it will help me calm down and get back to thinking straight. Though I am not the only one in my life that has received some joy in life. Vivian and Viiker, who had secretly been going out for awhile, are engaged. They have their ups and downs but more ups, I believe. Viz, a Wolf, has also found a woman in his life. A pink-haired woman named Pandora. Viz also has a drone named Viruz. I let Viz copy a blueprint of my tech to help upgrade his drone on the condition it is never shared. We also gotten a large amount of new Pups in the Wolves. Looks like I will have to make more armour soon. I need to find a new spot to get resources soon. Speaking of the Wolves, Luna has been put in charge of a retrieval mission. If the mission goes well, she will be a new Beta, a second in command. But she is worried about the mission. She fears something will go wrong and something will happen to one of us. I have told her I would not let anything bad happen, but is this the one promise I can not keep? I may dig out my old wristpad. I told myself I would not use it, but if it is to protect Luna, the risk should be worth it. I wonder if Vivian will recognize the device, hopefully she does not. For now though I will just upgrade my armour and hope it enough.
((This entry is a video recorded on a small chip attached to his notebook.)) Gareth is sitting a rainy planet in a flooded town that would be very familiar to most. He sits staring out the window, or what's left of it as he lets a small sigh before speaking. "Just when I thought my darkest days were over, everything crumbles. Mars and Nox are dead and with them, the brotherhood known as the Armored Wolves." *He lets out a shaky sigh.* "Though I have not lost much. There are those of us who are forming a new family, a better one, some say." He closes his eyes and listens to the rain a bit. His facial expression is emotionless but calm. "I have failed to keep a few promises. I have keep some but not all..guess I can't say I have never broken one now. Perhaps this is for the best. Maybe it best to fully move on from the past and only look to the future. Which means some changes need to be made." Gareth takes off his jacket and places in a wooden support sticking out of the ground. "I am no longer the person I was, not the way most believe. I am still me. I am still someone who will protect those who matter to him, who will fight until his dying breath for what is making life worth living, who will not go down easily." He gets up and the rain stops for a bit. "Our new family will be living in New Chicago, so I will need something to help me blend into the city better. Perhaps Thorn can help. For now I am going to focus on three things." Gareth holds up one finger. "I will keep Luna safe that is first and foremost." He holds up a second finger. "I will make sure this family can hold itself up without me." Gareth holds up a third finger, smiling a bit. "I will not break anymore promises." The recording ends.
I lost who I was. I could not think straight, I was something I had not been in awhile. I still may be, I am not sure. I need to collect myself again. For now, I keep to myself and only intervene if I am needed. The past, present and future are all a blur. I am myself but I am not. I have changed whether it be for better or worst. I will tell the others this, no need them to deal with this, this is my problem alone. I know others can help me, but it time I learn to get through things on my own. Enough on that matter for now, this is a place for me to record life not my problems. Things have picked up for the others. We celebrated Akane's birthday. I gave her my old sword since I have no use for it. Whether it sits on a wall or is used until it break I do not care. Vivian is getting married to Wave. She deserves it with all the hell she has been through. I hope it goes brilliantly and I can conjure up a gift in time. Perhaps I can make something with the limited materials I have left. Omenvreer...is a different. He is changing back to who was back in Memoria, back on Gruval. He is planning something and I do not know what, but I can assume many things. If I helped him in the past I can do it again. Hopefully with better results, more permanent ones this time. Whatever happens, I go down fighting. Now I find myself going back to something else. I can feel time pull and push me along my life. I can feel the chapter of my life end, start again and close again. I have come to the crossroads of my life. I can see three paths as of now. Where I want to go, where I should go, and where I need to go. I do not know which to take for now I just have a few questions to answer for myself. Where will my friends and family be in these paths? Can I stay true to myself down these roads? And lastly, where do these paths end?
Oh, what to write about first. The sad, the joyous, or what I do? Life has been a living hell lately, and I am not sure how much longer I can stand it. I have seen friends die, I have seen them tormented and tortured. And what has happened to me? I have only gotten a few bullet wounds and couple of stabs. So much for keeping those promises..I have failed. Suppose I will start with the sad. Miya is dead. And I am not sure who is next. I have seen many people die, too many..I don't want to see my friends fall anymore. I will not stand for it. I will not. Next is joyous, I guess. I have a sister. A family member, lucky me. She appears older which seems most logical. She hunts down Miniknog and their experiments, only reason I am alive is being I think she doesn't want to kill her brother, that or she wants to keep using me for something. A lot of shit has gone down. I am not sure what I will or can do. I told Vivian I would settle down myself with Luna, but now..I am not so sure. I want to fight, I want to protect my friends and family. The question is how? ((OOC note: Vivian has possession of Gareth's journal for the time being. She can ICly write in her until Gareth takes the journal back.))
((And journal is back with Gareth so time for new entry.)) So I am back in Antares after leaving for a bit to help Tarren with her mission. That was an experience that lead to many more interesting ones, though I rather not focus on that. I learned more about my sister during that time and that's all that matters right now. We dealt with some Miniknog and their experiments on her list, apparently a Glitch called Grout found out about this and that lead to some..interesting conversations. In my absence, a group of criminals and other forms of renegades known as the Outcasts, has stirred up trouble most notoriously in New Chicago. After that, they struck in Taranis forcing the Order to bump up security measures which I hope helps keeps those of us still around in this sector. I haven't seen some people in days, others weeks, and one in months. I know it is useless to worry myself with this, but it is natural. When things begin to seem out of place or cause confusion, our minds start to assume things and what we see, feel, and hear through these periods of confusion will affect what we believe. I know it is pointless to write this, I know this won't change what is anything right now, maybe ever, but I hope you are safe and well, and aware I will be here if and when you return, hopefully.
(( This entry would be slightly covered in dirt and small drips of dried blood with hard to read hand-writing.)) I never thought I would do it, I never wanted to, but I had to. I am tired of feeling like this. I am sick of the tension.I tried to keep it away. It just keeps eating away at me and there is nothing I can do to resist it. So why not embrace it, embrace it all? I am tired getting rid of it, that failed. Running from it, failed. Destroying it, pointless. Becoming it, very possibly. I know this will not be approved of with the others, I just hope they can understand. I know once I finish this, I will never go back to being the same. Even though this is all to familiar this make me, I am still scared of this. Soon, I will have my answer I suppose. My time is drawing near. I feel like something is missing. I can't see it, but I know it is there. I am not sure what is, but I can feel it. Maybe I can find out what it is, maybe not. Why do I care, really? What do I need in this damned universe? I am purposely trying to avoid this stuff. I have almost nothing left, so why I am thinking of this now? I just want it all to end, I have given up. So why am I still here?
It has been forever since I have written in this thing. I never have had much to say in this but I suppose it to have something. I am not sure where to start it been two months. I suppose I should start with that I am going back to my old life, not entirely however. I do have reasons to keep my life the way it is. I can not give up on what I have and some people still need me around. To leave them and what I have behind would be something I can not forgive myself for. I am not sure why I let myself support others but I do. Maybe its because I do not want to see anymore death. I have seen enough of that for one lifetime. But I know it unavoidable. Sometimes you have to put things down and one day you might be put down. But that does not really matter, what matters what you do with your life. In this vast universe you are bound to meet people, good and bad, sane and insane, wise and stupid, and all sorts of various opposite people will posses. I keep writing like this as though someone will read it. Maybe they might when I gone, but then again it could just be a reminder to myself of what I used to to compared to the next time I write again. For now, I will write down events that occurred to the best of my memory. Raylorn is no longer with us. He went off the deep end and Omen took him down. Asani has become a place of regular visitors it seems. I have taken up mining again and will start working in the forge soon. And then was today, January 10th 2415 by Earthly calenders. Shortly after Pandora was tortured by cultists Omen feel victim to them. Pandora was influenced to join them and I do not blame her, they broke her. We saved her and Omen from the cultist. Omen lost his legs and it eye it seems. Pandora lost piece of her sanity. I had a feeling that if something was not decided there and now, Pandora was going to face things that I should have and I was not going to let that happen. If I can be helped then so can she, it might not work but I have try. I can not do much in this universe, I'm only a blacksmith with few talents. But one of those "talents" is going to be keeping the people I care about around.
