It's been 7 years, 4 months and 22 days. The only thing on my mind is the love I lost. A love so precious I shall never feel it again, and if I was to, I'd reject it. Never again will I be able to feel your warmth, or see your smile. My only aspiration in life was to make you happy, and I know I've disappointed you, through my inactions and the life I've chosen. This is who I am. I won't change. It deeply saddens me, as I've faced the inevitable truth: you gave birth to me and gave me all of you, and I could never give back. You were there for me, you were nothing but love and safety, and I was nothing but trouble and madness. I still am. I was never good enough. I'm imperfect. I couldn't save you. I had no role model but you. I had no dreams but to give back. Now that you're gone, what am I? I've been wandering helplessly, closing my heart and my mouth, still doing what I always did, with the bitter taste of failure. I keep on going. I only wish to better myself, mother. I've corrected my path, not by changing lanes, but by understanding what it takes and for building ambition. Through knowledge and power, I will ascend. God doesn't like ugly, and will recognize the chosen one. I know he is above me, I'm just the King of everything else. Others don't matter, ignore the offended or the weak. No matter how many victory laps I run, there will always be one to deem my feats and talents worthless. Vultures, they feed on hatred, and it shows. Their vicious eyes when they're talking to me. All they wish is to see through me and use my weaknesses against me. I won't let that happen. I do not talk, because talking to the one seeking words is submitting to his will. Certain see me as friends, and I do not return the favor. I stay stranger to this concept, for it hurt me more than it brought me what I cherished most. Companionship of any kind limits you. Friends and lovers, without fully grasping it, try to control you. They influence your way of thinking. They step into your boundaries and try to open your heart up, supposedly for your own good. This is not what I need; I am headed the right way. I won't let potential opponents stain my near perfect mind. I bring myself closer to truth on my own, I do not wish to be pulled back, to be limited or stained by so called companions. The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials, but I see the cracks in their diamonds. They will shatter any second, and I will keep refining myself, enhancing my being. I can say today that I've changed, mother. I am not that child you used to know. I do not seek meaningless recognition anymore. I know my place. None above mine. I do not need the validation of others. I hold the greatest of sovereignty: the reign of my own mind, for it stays completely pure. My everyday life, off-duty, is filled with much calmer activities than before. I mostly paint and listen. I paint my pain, your face and all that I cannot see or talk about. I relax. I put my body at comfort, and give it as much safety as I can. Ever since I've started living in luxury, I've found a passion for reading, and relief in bathing. When I'm not painting, I combine these two activities. The doctor did wonder, I do not need to care for my robotic prothesis, the flesh over it is maintained in pristine condition. I contemplate life and meditate a lot. I look up, because I know you're looking down. They say an eye for an eye makes the world blind, and two wrongs don't make a right. But I've been wronged, and so have you, mother. At what point am I allowed to fight? God didn't give me enough cards to play my hand, but still made me one of a kind in a full house. I still seek revenge. It is part of my ascenscion. Jahi will fall. I know it will sadden you, for you are incapable of hatred. It is a matter of justice, and I can't let the thought of your tears stop me. Page 1
A personal note, report, and journal log I will live up to my ambitions and dreams. To do so, I will need labor force. If we can be improved through cybernetics and better ourselves, surely lowlives can be put to better use. This is why I have decided to offer hope to many people. Some are born without aspirations, and are bound to a life of despair and poverty. The doctor and I have come to a solution for them. We are offering them to fight for a righteous cause, the improvement and the ascent of us, chosen ones. The poor and unfortunate one is stained. Its mind is problematic, filled with sins of the worst kind: jealousy, lust, greed... It needs to accept us as superior, but it is incapable of rational thought and ultimately will be selfish. Having grown up in the slums of Detroit, I am close to the kind, and know it well. As a superior being, I have crawled out of it and stood up high. The doctor thinks we can use Miniknog abduction, isolating the brain, individually, before transferring it into a cyborg body. For this, we need both children brains and adult bodies. This is why we are opening programs on different slum planets, giving hope to the people. Adults willing to sign are robotised and emptied, and children are taken to be dissected. The researches are going well. Soon, these people will be able to enjoy their true purpose. Extremely saddened by their meaningless life of poverty and crime, I am now ravished to see children serving a cause that will benefit the universe. The doctor and I are extremely satisfied with this project. We are estimating our first perfect servants to be fonctional in a matter of weeks. This is but another proof that I am on the right path. Through technology, knowledge and know-how, we can fix people. They will serve the right cause, without condition. Going from a stained, imperfect mind, to the greatest goal they could ever aspire to: improving us all. They will serve in the many fields needed for us to create the perfect society and conditions for transcending consciousness. I fear that they will be most needed for militaristic needs, as some imperfect minds who fooled people into following them will disagree with us. I am most worried about the United Systems. With my current funds and resources, building an army that could fight them on one galaxy would take years. While seizing control of a system by surprise shouldn't be much of a hassle, maintaining control upon them is, at the moment, merely impossible. This is why I personally need to seize control of something already more powerful than I, on my own. My first target is the company I am currently part of, DarkStar. I have made a complete inventory of DarkStar assets, and it has come to my attention that the cloning facility my company CEO Ivrian Maldranthe owns would be a fantastic resource to benefit from. It would be foolish for me to try and make a move on them already, as my professionalism is already raising doubts, strangely. As a matter of fact, some are suspicious of me, merely because I do not partake in their meaningless conversations or silly jokes. They see DarkStar Inc. as a family, or a circle of friends. I do not. Some of my co-workers are the most obnoxious and infectious beings I've ran into in my short life. Ivrian Maldranthe and her lover, Sollena Valentine, my CEOs, are both respectable beings. I see some hope in two of my co-workers, Jasin and Meroko Guakian. It is the others, I just cannot stand. The intoxicated Leshanna, the loudmouths Iris and Brigliss, the passive peacemaker Adler or the incredibly quirky Rodblade. Because of people such as Adler, I cannot act upon my beliefs just yet. All in due time, though. All in due time. Unable to find a single place of worship in all these alien colonies, I have been visiting Tetanus Fields. It is a refugee camp, at the moment. The main city is on lockdown, from what I understand. The wilderness of the planet is calming. It is a perfect place to pray and repent, for when I kneel down and close my eyes, all I hear is the soothing sound of the breeze gently carrying sand around. Tetanus Fields resembles Detroit a lot. The place makes me nostalgic. Surprisingly, I have ran into Mary there. One of the only person I will talk to. Mary isn't living life, and would rather die idly sitting down with lowlives. It is her choice though, as she understands the consequences of her lifestyle. She has the right ideas about life, she is merely not aware of what she could be, if she stood up and faced the demons that haunt her. I am reaching for the heavens, and I hope to see you when I arrive there, mother. Your son will make you proud. Page 2 (The following extract seems to be taken from another book, as it is clipped onto the end of the page) God, our Father. Rest Your weary ones, Bless Your dying ones, Soothe Your suffering ones, pity Your afflicted ones, Shield Your joyous ones, And all for Your love's sake. Amen.
A personal note. I still picture you putting your hands on my knees. My head against your chest. "It's going to be okay". Was it ever? You didn't believe in white lies, and knew they could turn black so easily. Were you so good you believed in them? You still leave me breathless and confused. I cherish your words like treasures. I paint them, I instrumentalize them and I write them. They're precious to me, like I was to you. But will they always stay with me? I'm quite convinced they won't. Anybody who tells me otherwise is a salesman, a liar, or deranged. It is an universal principle; you can earn it, make it, find it, or steal it, but you can never keep it. And I've tried. I've tried so much, and so hard, for so long. But what does it lead to? I leash it, and it finds a way to escape, and I teach it to stay, and it disobeys and leaves, I imprison it and impose it to stay, and it goes astray day by day. I trust it with all my heart to stay, and it betrays me and leave. And the rare times I come out for advice, they tell me to keep trying. What for? To be betrayed again? To be played for a fool again? It is not a matter of pride. It's a matter of wear-and-tear. Is this what my mind needs? Am I not slave to to these principles, if I give in? Am I strong enough to preserve that love, and still open up to more? When I do open up, they slip in, silently, and they take part of the game. They're part of the lie. It all feels like a brilliantly designed trap. It's the slowest climb, but the quickest descent. Is it different now, because I'm slightly older? Wasn't I wise enough? How many more years of sufferings do I need to experience, to be able to call the pain out, and chase it away? Will it ever leave me at rest? Is my heart cursed because of someone else's sins? How stupid of me, to ever think I could keep the pleasure in, and the pain out. Page 3
A report, and a personal note My dreams are shaping up. The Astral Empire is a force to be reckoned with. Baron Tarkus and Halogen are exceptionally fast and efficient, as well as silent whenever silence is needed. Halogen especially seems to only communicate for the bare minimum. His reports are clear and sound. Qualities I like. Lately, we have taken over 8 systems, two of them being extremely exploitable. We will install modern mining facilities and seize the people as soon as possible. I fear we are spending too much time and resource on improving the common man. Remy has proven successful so far. Members of the high council would disagree, but I'm convinced he is. He has worked effectively, getting every tasks done in little time, and is not needy. The main problem being his social adaptation, he is extremely childish and could be compared to a prepubescent kid, on many aspects. There are certains things that simply won't get through his thick skull, while his journal shows that he obsesses over certain words and parts of phrases. Remy will be nurtured until he reaches a stage of complete autonomy. He has become a valuable member of our society, thanks to his work and obedience. Remy won't be a failure himself. I care too much, now. The real issue lies in how Remy will succeed. We obviously cannot have 300 Remys around. We can't convert half our population into half-obedient children and pamper them until they go through a new teenager phase. Remy needs to learn faster, naturally. If he doesn't, I will give up on giving that chance to anyone else, and will come back to our old techniques: enslaving the mind completely, through complete hypnosis, miniknog abduction techniques, and Halogen own techniques. I have met Tarl Hollow, of R.A. An extremely strange encounter, as he seemed to constantly fake politeness, while I obviously didn't care myself, not acting particulary different as usual. I told him my true honest intentions, including not wanting to seize Tetanus Fields. The more I think about it, the more I know I care about Tetanus Fields. A place of worship is a place of worship, and that shrine to Kluex is very quiet and peaceful. It is where I pray. On a sidenote, an incident happened in Tetanus. An unknown Apex thought it would be funny to randomly taze Remy, without a single reason, apparently going completely insane. Determined to put the deranged out of her misery, I stepped up and put it down. I heard from a guard that I wouldn't be welcome back, which I highly doubt. Remy is my property, and whoever damages my property deserves punishment. I will come back to Tetanus to pray and to rest at the bar. I will have Remy explain to them that I only did the moral thing by killing that Apex. The guard seemed especially ungrateful, seeing as the deranged one shocked her with a "tazer rifle" of some kind. I am hoping some good will come out of my upcoming meeting with Tarl Hollow. In all honesty, I don't see why not. As we're expanding the fleet, I am pretty sure we are capable of crushing his troops. It is not what I seek though; The R.A. happens to keep the places I cherish independant. He too, disagree with the UN and its council. We might have a lot more in common than I expected. Surprisingly enough, I cannot say the same for Sharptooth. How come this Floran has any kind of standing as a chief simply baffles me. I contacted her, in hope of establishing a slave trade market with her, wishing to create a currency the UN wouldn't have their hands on, but soon enough she told me she didn't possesses any. Taken aback by this information, I still proposed to sell her some. She agreed, and I said I would recontact her. I then found her in a bar, wasted, smelling like cheap alcohol and bad advice. For once, I decided to be the talkative one and tell her about how much of a fraud and a weakling she was. She hissed and went back to sleep. Any prideful Floran would have jumped at my throat for what I said. She is not fit for her duty, and time will prove it. Then again, how can I expect pride, in a floran that joined forces with the UN? Ridiculous. Page 4
